Monthly Archives: October 2013

October 5, 2013 · 9:58 am

Arguing With a Clueless Person

People like to argue. They like to verbally spar and match wits with other people. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that’s great and all, but the problem is everyone thinks that their opinion is the right one and some people are simply wrong. They will ignore facts and speak passionately about something that they know nothing about. They refuse to see reason. They talk just to hear themselves talk. They are wrong, but they don’t care, their only goal is to piss you off and make you angry. Arguing with a clueless person is an exercise in futility. You can’t win. He is far too dumb and way too proud to ever concede to reason, logic, and cold hard facts. He can never admit that you’re right because that would mean that he is wrong. All you can do is swallow your pride, walk away from the argument, and then bitch about that jackass to anyone who will listen.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2013 · 9:45 am

Calling Somebody Old on Their Birthday

There are a million different birthday traditions that you feel obliged to practice. Let’s say that it’s your friend’s birthday and you want to celebrate. You’ll throw him a birthday party. You’ll buy him a birthday cake with birthday candles. You’ll buy him a birthday present and a signed birthday card. But it’s not officially his birthday until you give him grief about getting older. Calling somebody old on their birthday is the best way to remind someone about their mortality. They are one year closer to death, and you need to rub it in their face. Their saggy, old, wrinkled face. It’s a way to punch them in the gut on their special day. You need to do it out of love though, and not malice. You don’t want to make them cry, just feel a little less immortal.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2013 · 9:41 am

Folding a Map

Maps were a way of getting from Point A to Point B before the days of GPS and smart phones. These days you only use a map when you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. You unfold the map, spread it out, and try to find the road that will take you from where you are to where you want to go. Then you fold have to fold the map back up into it original form. But that’s harder than you think. Folding a map is a lot harder than reading a map. Reading a map just requires common sense and a vague sense of direction. Folding a map is always a challenge. It’s hard to find the correct creases. You always end up folding one part the wrong way. You’ll fold it hot dog when you should have folded it hamburger. Folding a map is hard. It takes practice. Most people get frustrated and hand it over to somebody else to fold it for them. Everyone has a little OCD when it comes to folding maps.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2013 · 9:56 am

Airports

Airports are some of the most interesting places on Earth. A major airport is its own little world. It reflects the city around it, like when you hop off a plane in Vegas and see slot machines in the terminal. And even though each airport is unique, they are still all the same. A lot of airports have the same features. Huge airports usually have the moving walkways, those giant treadmills that move passengers and their luggage at slightly faster speeds. Those people movers become pretty fun after a few drinks. All major American airports have a Chili’s in them. It’s required by law.

You see the same types of people at every airport. You see the tired, travel-weary passengers trying to catch a few minutes of sleep using their carry-on as a makeshift pillow. You see the frantic young couples desperately trying to quiet their screaming toddlers. You see nervous people who are scared of flying trying to find some liquid courage at an outrageously overpriced bar. You see angry people yelling at bored ticket agents. All of them are united by delayed departures and changing arrival times.

You have to deal with airports if you want to see the world. You might as well embrace them and accept them. Yeah, they have overpriced stores and expensive restaurants. But you can also see people from all around the world, and you get a different perspective when you see how small the world really is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2013 · 9:54 am

Helicopters

Helicopters are an amazing piece of technology. They can fly in any direction swiftly and nimbly, like giant manmade hummingbirds. Helicopters are useful for news and traffic reports, for transporting billionaires around, for fighting fires, and for military operations to secure oil derricks and kill innocent civilians around the world. I’ve never been in a helicopter and I don’t want to. I’m not scared of them, I just don’t trust them. If something goes wrong in a plane, you can always hope that the pilot can glide you to a safe landing. But if something goes wrong in a helicopter, you fall out of the sky life a rock. Planes have parachutes, life jackets, inflatable slides, and ejector seats in case of an emergency. An ejector seat in a helicopter would lead to an even faster and messier death. Those rotor blades can do some serious damage. Just ask Vic Morrow (That’s a really good joke, but it might require a quick Google search).

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2013 · 12:38 pm

Counting the Holes in the Ceiling

I don’t like being bored. I always need to be doing something that stimulates my brain. I like reading. I like writing. I like watching TV and movies and listening to music. But sometimes I can’t do anything but count the holes on the ceiling. I just got back from the dentist and had to lie on my back for forty-five minutes while they poked and prodded and polished my teeth. Counting the holes in the ceiling was the only thing that I could do to keep from going crazy. You don’t want to actually count each individual hole, that will take forever. Start with one ceiling tile and count the number of holes in the first row and the first column, then multiply those numbers together and you will end up with the amount of holes per tile. Then you simply have to count all the tiles and multiply it by the amount of holes in one tile. The hard part is doing this all in your head and not losing track. It’s hard to do math without any paper or a calculator. You actually have to think. Even if you do succeed, it’s a hollow victory. Nobody cares how many holes are on the ceiling in your dentist’s office or that you counted them yourself.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2013 · 12:35 pm

The Last Nugget

You always have to monitor your stash to avoid being caught off guard and discovering that you only have one more nugget left in your jar. The last nugget is a scary time for a stoner. It means that you’re almost out of weed. You have to start conserving, trying to make sure that you have enough to last until you get a chance to get more. You need to start thinking about how your work schedule looks and which dealers will be available or which dispensary will be open when you finally get time to re-up. If you’re smart, you will save the biggest bud for last for this very occasion. A bigger last nugget buys you more time. But you still have to get up off your ass and get more eventually. And that’s the hardest part.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2013 · 9:53 am

Ripped Dollar

I went out to dinner a few nights ago and picked up the check with my credit card. My friends opened their wallets and threw a couple of bucks my way and then we all parted ways. I got back home and took out the cash to count it and I noticed that someone slipped in a ripped ten-dollar-bill. It was practically ripped in half, and the two pieces were barely holding together. A slight breeze could have blown it apart. I felt hurt and betrayed. I could not believe that one of my so-called friends would have the audacity to give me such a ghetto piece of legal tender. At least tape it up before you give it to me. You only have two options when you get a ripped dollar. You can go to the bank and exchange it for another bill, or you can tape it up and try to pass it on to some unsuspecting cashier. Money is supposed to be crisp, clean, and sexy. Nobody wants a tainted ripped dollar. Try to get rid of it as fast as you can and move on with your life.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2013 · 9:51 am

Puddles

A puddle is a small pool of a liquid. Most of the puddles that you encounter are rain puddles. If you have babies or puppies, you are more familiar with pee puddles. If you know my friends, you are more familiar with puddles of vomit. It was fun to splash and stomp in puddles in the rain when you were a kid, but then you grew up and realized that the world is a soulless, crushing place and now splashing in puddles doesn’t do anything for you anymore. The only joy you get from puddles these days is from watching cars drive through them and soaking old ladies walking down the sidewalk. Grandma shouldn’t be walking in the rain anyway.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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