Monthly Archives: March 2012

David Sunflower Seeds Original

I can’t wait for the Major League Baseball season to begin, and so I will write about the game’s official snack. Hot dogs and Cracker Jack are typical stadium junk food, but it you want to act like you’re in the game, you need sunflower seeds. And no brand of seeds is better than David. David sunflower seeds are consistent in size and flavor, with the occasional salt lump thrown in as well. The bag calls eating seeds a “snacktivity.” That’s clever and true, you have to do some work to eat seeds. Amateurs can only eat them one at a time, but if you are a stud like me, you can store a handful in your cheek like a hamster and use your tongue and teeth to de-shell them. If you can eat the kernel and spit out the shell without biting your tongue then you are doing it right. Good for you. I take back all that shit I said about you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Crisis on Infinite Earths

DC had a problem. By 1985, over 50 years of heroes, villains, multiple timelines and alternate Earths had created a heaping pile of confusion. Marv Wolfman was tasked with creating a story that could simplify the DC universe and make it more accessible to new readers, and fix continuity problems. It’s a somewhat confusing story about good versus evil and the Multiverse.

So there are two omnipotent beings, one is good, one is evil. The Monitor must recruit heroes and villains to save the Multiverse from the evil Anti-Monitor. The Multiverse is a universe with multiple Earths and worlds. There is an Earth-1, Earth-2, Earth-B, etc. There are multiple incarnations of each DC character, and there are differences between each version. If you aren’t confused, you aren’t paying attention. It seems like virtually every DC character, famous or obscure, makes an appearance. If you aren’t too aware of DC, you might want to avoid this comic. There are a lot of characters and plot points that are too hard to follow if you are a newb.

There is a lot going on. This is not a simple read. Characters die, whole Earths die. It becomes somewhat convoluted to remember who did what when, and which who did what. Crisis on Infinite Earths is similar to X-Men 3… there’s a bunch of characters running around doing things, and you recognize a lot of them, but you don’t care about most of them. And when it was over you have a lot of questions, but overall you were entertained.

It tries to simplify the DC universe. It just does it in a confusing way. Read it if you like DC. Avoid it if you don’t. There are a lot of notable deaths, so if you’re morbid, you can read it for that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Twix

Two for me, none for you. Twix are cookies bars with caramel and a chocolate coating. They are delicious. As George Costanza will tell you, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. They come typically come in pairs of two per pack. Wikipedia tells me that they are called Twix because they are “twin sticks”. That makes sense. If you are an American, you love cookies, caramel, and chocolate; a candy that provides all of the above is proof that God loves us and wants us to be diabetic.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Scream

Wes Craven’s Scream was the best horror film of the ‘90s. It is also Neve Campbell’s best movie (her best scene is in Wild Things though). This is a scary movie that also spoofs the clichés of the horror genre. It’s very meta and self-referential, but it does it subtly and doesn’t throw it in your face. It has a lot of funny moments, but no gags or jokes. It’s a horror satire, not a horror parody.

It has a good cast with Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Rose McGowan, Matthew Lillard, Jaime Kennedy and Skeet Ulrich. Drew Barrymore has a brief cameo in the introduction. Spoiler alert: she dies. It was a surprise to see her bite the dust so quickly; you just assumed that she would be in the whole movie. It’s even more awesome because Drew Barrymore sucks and she should die in the first ten minutes of any movie she’s in (except E.T.).

David Arquette’s Deputy Dewey is goofy and provides some comic relief. But Jaime Kennedy’s character is the funniest in the show. He is a film buff and kind of a dork, but he knows the rules of scary movies. He knows what to do and not to do, what to say and not to say. He shares his knowledge with the other characters and the audience. If you ever get trapped in a horror movie and want to survive, you better remember Randy’s rules.

The movie is kind of dated now. The ‘90s hair and wardrobe are weird looking. If you have a cell phone you are a suspect. The plot still holds up though. The whole backstory with Sidney’s whorish mother and the wrongful incarceration of Cotton Weary was pretty cool. It comes up in the sequels too. The twist at the end where it is revealed that there are actually two killers was well written. But seriously look at how shady Billy Loomis is. Did you have any doubt that Skeet Ulrich was the killer? Matthew Lillard does a great job transitioning from being funny to being psychotic.

The Ghostface mask has reached iconic status. It is instantly recognizable, and it makes the Scream killer as identifiable as Michael Myers or Jason. The voice is what really makes it terrifying though. It could be anyone under the mask. The actors never met Roger L. Jackson, the voice of Ghostface, they had no idea what he looked like.

Scream is a cool movie. It’s funny, scary, and smart. It inspired a new wave of horror movies aimed at teenager and twenty-somethings. Urban Legend, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Jeepers Creepers… all of these are riding Scream’s coattails. Scream did it first and did it better. What’s your favorite scary movie? Probably this one.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Vanessa Lee Chester

You have probably seen Vanessa Lee Chester on the big screen before. You probably don’t remember her. She played Jeff Goldblum’s daughter in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. I feel bad for her. She did everything right in order to become a successful working actor. She started doing TV and small film roles, and eventually gets cast in a Steven Spielberg movie, a sequel to the then currently most successful movie of all time. Too bad it was a terrible movie and she played a terrible part. Her character was just another burden for Ian Malcolm to have to deal with. She spends most of the movie running around with Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, and Vince Vaughn, so no one noticed her. At least she got to kick a velociraptor to its death. That’s cooler than anything I’ve ever done.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

The final book of the Harry Potter series was split up into two movies released six months apart. David Yates, the director of the fifth and sixth movies, comes back to finish up the epic saga. Splitting up the movie into two parts was a great idea. The book is rich and dense with material, and the previous movies left so much out, there was no conceivable way to make a two-and-a-half hour movie that would wrap everything up in a satisfactory way. The two parts of Deathly Hallows are the most loyal to the book since Chamber of Secrets. It makes the film much more enjoyable if you’ve read the books.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson all do a great job again. The last few movies would have been terrible if they had to recast. This Potter flick didn’t have any 3D. There were only a few scenes that would have benefitted from looking extra dimensiony, so it doesn’t really affect anything. The special effects were amazing, one of the highlights being the scene with the decoy Harrys.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide that destroying Voldemort’s Horcruxes is cooler than going back to school. The three of them embark on a mission to identify and track down the mysterious objects that house fragments of Voldemort’s soul.

Voldemort has taken over the Ministry of Magic. Harry has become a fugitive along with his two best friends. Ron gets all moody and bitchy and storms out on Harry and Hermione. They celebrate by dancing awkwardly. Eventually Ron comes back (what a relief) and the three of them continue on their quest.

Hermione reads aloud the story of the Deathly Hallows, and they jump to an animated sequence of the Peverell brothers and how they cheated death. It is reminiscent of the Japanimated O-Ren Ishii sequence in Kill Bill Vol. 1. It’s unexpected and an interesting moment that was unlike anything else previously seen in the Potter movies.

It’s a great adaptation of the book. With the extended running time, there is no reason to rush or cut out important parts from the novel. It’s a bit disheartening when they show so many vital parts from the book, but don’t delve into Dumbledore’s backstory. That was a huge part of the book because it makes you question Dumbledore’s integrity. The film lags and drags for a bit when Harry and friends are hiding out in the wilderness, but the book was like that too. The escape from Malfoy Manor and Voldy getting the Elder Wand is a great way to end the film with a nice cliffhanger. It’s a good way to wrap up the movie and leaves you gearing up for the final chapter.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Bud Light Platinum

There used to be a very simple test to determine one’s cheapness. If a person goes to a bar or restaurant and orders a Bud Light, they are cheap. Ordering a Bud Light is one step up from ordering an ice water, a bunch of lemons, and a shit ton of sugar packets to make your own lemonade. But now there is Bud Light Platinum, and as much as I love to bash Bud drinkers, this is the new light beer of choice. It has a hefty 6% alcohol content, and it still tastes like a light beer. Bottom line is that it is super drinkable and that alcohol percentage will sneak up on you. Anheuser-Busch finally realized that giving Bud Light a wheaty or lime flavor isn’t nearly as awesome as making a light beer that will fuck you up faster.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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All Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder

Frank Miller’s prequel to the Dark Knight Returns and the Dark Knight Strikes Again is a reimagining of how Batman and Robin teamed up. Miller’s story is a little more coherent than his DKSA travesty. Jim Lee’s art is amazingly stunning, especially compared to Miller’s gritty Dark Knight illustrations.

Frank Miller’s Batman is basically Dirty Harry. He ruthlessly beats criminals and enjoys doing so. He calls himself the “goddamn Batman”. A lot. It’s annoying to have a classic character changed so drastically. Batman is an asshole in this book. You don’t like his personality.

Dick Grayson is just your average twelve-year-old circus acrobat who is an expert at martial arts for some reason. His parents are shot and killed in front of him, and he is kidnapped by some corrupt Gotham cops. Batman rescues Dick from the dirty cops, and enlists him to fight in his war against crime. Batman doesn’t give Dick a choice; he just takes him back to the Batcave and starts training him to be a soldier. When Dick Grayson asks for food, Batman tells him to catch a rat. What an asshole. Robin doesn’t even get time to grieve. Batman damaged Dick Grayson beyond repair, making his reappearance in DKSA have more meaning. Batman ruined Dick Grayson’s life.

Jim Lee’s art makes Miller’s harsh story beautiful to look at. Vicki Vale, Wonder Woman, and the Black Canary are incredibly sexy looking. The female characters are definitely nice to look at. The highlight of the artwork is a huge multipage foldout depicting the enormity of the Batcave. It is huge, vast, and filled with tons of Bat-ccessories.

Batman is smart, knows it, and rubs it in your face. He handles the Green Lantern by controlling where and how they meet. He makes Robin paint the rendezvous spot all yellow so his power ring is useless. You gotta admit, that’s pretty clever.

This is a cool book. It has a more focused plot than the Dark Knight Strikes Again. The characters are more relatable. Even though the goddamn Batman is an asshole, at least he’s not a parody like he was in DKSA. Miller’s story is dark, but Lee’s artwork makes it appealing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Pepsi Wild Cherry

Have you ever wanted to try a Pepsi with cherry flavor added to it? Try a Pepsi Wild Cherry soda-pop. Pepsi is a little more extreme than Coke. Coke’s cherry cola just has regular, boring cherries. Pepsi uses Wild Cherries. That’s too much excitement for me. The cherry flavor is a little muted compared to most cherry colas, maybe wild cherries aren’t as sweet. It’s decent, but it is still a Pepsi. Pepsi lost the cola wars for a reason… Coke is better. There are a million sodas out there, try this once, and move on with your life.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Gattaca

Andrew Niccol (the Truman Show) directs this picture about a future where science has progressed to the point when you can choose the best of your genetic material to make a genetically enhanced child. If you are genetically modified you are a “valid” and life is good. If you are conceived the old-fashioned way (i.e. drunken humping), you are an “in-valid”. With me so far?

Ethan Hawke plays Vincent Freeman, an in-valid who not only has to deal with an unfair lot in life, but has a lifelong sibling rivalry with his superior valid brother, Anton. Vincent dreams of being an astronaut, but he has a bad heart. Frequent genetic testing means that he can never be chosen to go to the stars. The only way to accomplish his dream is to borrow someone’s valid DNA.

Vincent finds a valid named Jerome Morrow who looks just like Jude Law and is willing to share his amazing DNA. Jerome was a kickass athlete who was supposed to be the best, but he was only second best, so he gave up on life and stepped in front of a car. Instead of dying he ended up in a wheelchair. Vincent uses Jerome’s hair, blood, urine, even his skin cells to get a job at Gattaca, a space agency with an upcoming mission to Saturn’s moon Titan.

It would be interesting enough to have the whole moviebe about an in-valid trying to sneak into a good life that he’s never supposed to experience, but Hollywood demands bloodshed, so of course there is a murder at Gattaca. Detectives find Vincent’s eyelash, and he becomes a prime suspect. He must keep pretending to Jerome, but the increasing police presence is putting a strain on his chances of going to space. Another thing that Hollywood demands is an unnecessary love story. Uma Thurman shows up to play the love interest Irene. She thinks that he is a perfect specimen, they get close, she finds out the truth about his lame DNA and gets mad, then they make up, yada yada yada, you’ve seen it three hundred and seventy-six times.

So how does Hollywood choose to end a science fiction movie about genetically modifying humans, space travel, murder, romance and paralyzed Jude Law? With a swim race of course. Fucking Hollywood.

It’s a pretty decent movie overall. There’s an interesting premise that is hidden under all the extra bullshit. It came out in 1997, but the treatment of in-valids by the valids is pretty relevant in this post 9/11 world. There are lots of cool ideas, and this movie will make you think about those cool ideas.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Mountain Dew

Let me just call this an extreme soda and get that out of the way. Moving right along, Mountain Dew is a soda. I don’t know how to describe the flavor; it’s just Mountain Dew. It’s not a cola, root beer, lemon-lime, or cream soda… it’s very unique, they claim it is lemon-citrus flavored. All this time I thought lemon was a citrus. You either like the taste or hate it more than sand in your pants. The name comes from a slang term for moonshine. That’s why there’s a hillbilly on the retro bottles. It has caffeine, that’s always a plus. I wont even mention Mello Yello. Damn, ok, never mind.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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The Return of Superman

Doomsday killed Superman, and the world needs a savior. Four mysterious men show up claiming to be Superman. One is a teenager, one is a cyborg, one has a spiffy looking visor, and one is plated with custom armor. Who is good? Who is evil? Who is pretending? Will the real Superman please stand up?

The emergence of each new Superman fills the void for a Metropolis still grieving for their fallen hero. The Superguys eventually gain their own followers and supporters, each believing their Superman to be the real Superman. Lois Lane has the sneaking suspicion that none of them are actually the real deal. She has some history with Superman, so she is the expert I guess.

The teenaged Superman is really more of a Superboy. He doesn’t like to be called that, but fuck him. He is clone of Superman. He’s an arrogant, cocky, reckless hero, who eventually settles down a bit. The cyborg Superman, also known as the Man of Tomorrow, looks like half Superman and half a Terminator. He is made from Kryptonian technology of course. Spiffy Visor Superman looks the most like Superman, he even has some of his memories, but he is cold, calculating, and ruthless, and that’s not Clark Kent. The armored Superman is the only one who blatantly tells people that he is not the reincarnation of Superman. He is big black guy so I don’t think they would believe him anyway. He is called the Man of Steel or Steel, and his real name is John Henry Irons. One or more of these Superdudes might just have a sinister agenda; you’ll just have to read it to find out.

It’s a long story, much more so than the Death of Superman. It’s pretty easy to follow for as lengthy as it is. There are lots of subplots and a cool twist. I like it more than the Death of Superman; it is more complex of a story with better artwork. You realize that the world needs a Superman, and just because a guy is rocking a cape with an S insignia doesn’t make him a savior.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper is a soda that has 23 flavors all competing to make one very unique soda. It’s dark like a cola, but you can’t define its taste. There is way too much going on. It’s pretty good though. It’s not that light; it’s not that refreshing, but sometimes you feel like a Dr Pepper. They spell it without a period after the Dr, so my spellcheck is going crazy. Yes, that’s how I want it spelled, leave me alone.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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The Little Giants

The ‘90s were a glorious time for kid sports movies. The Sandlot, the Mighty Ducks trilogy, the Big Green, Little Big League, Rookie of the Year… and the Little Giants, easily the best movie about a co-ed Pee-Wee football team of all time. Duwayne Dunham (Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey) directs Ed O’Neill (Married… With Children) and Rick Moranis (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Strange Brew, Ghostbusters) in this family film about family, teamwork, and making fun of fat kids.

The basic premise is that Becky “Icebox” O’Shea wants to join her uncle’s Pee-Wee Cowboys team. She doesn’t make the team because she is a girl. So she manipulates her dad into starting a new team, so that she can play too. There’s a “One Town, One Team” rule, and so the rag-tag Little Giants must play the Cowboys to represent the town. Most of the kids on the Little Giants are lousy, but Icebox and a kid named Junior (a young Devon Sawa) are pretty decent. Icebox starts to develop a crush on Junior and has to decide if she wants to be a footballing tomboy, or a cheerleading girly girl. She quits the team and lets them struggle in the big game and then the joins the team again and everyone is happy.

If you quit a team or a group, you let everyone down. She quit the Little Giants when the needed her the most. It was her idea to start the fucking team. And they just let her come back and act like nothing was wrong. She’s either a bitch or a victim of shoddy writing. Yeah, I know I’m getting angry at an old kid’s movie, but shouldn’t kids be learning valuable lessons like DON’T BE A QUITTER?!?

Anyway, there is a motley group of kids that join the Little Giants. You have the nerd, and the mama’s boy, and the Asian kid, and the black kid and the fat kid. The Asian kid isn’t the nerd, the black kid can’t catch a football unless he imagines it’s toilet paper, and the fat kid gets mocked repeatedly throughout the movie. He always farts or falls on the skinny kids. It is really mean-spirited. I wonder if the director or the kid’s agent told him how relentless the fat jokes would be. It’s a great message to send to kids: you can be a valuable asset to a team no matter who you are, but if you are fat you are comic relief. This is America! You can’t make fun of fat kids, they are our future.

Rick Moranis needs to make more movies. Not movies like this, but more movies in general. Come back, Hollywood needs you. Ed O’Neill is a great actor. You forget that Al Bundy is coaching a kid’s football team. He doesn’t cheapen his performance or talk down to the camera. He acts like coaching Pee-Wee football is all he knows or wants to know. He plays it very real and genuine.

This movie is a rip-off of the Mighty Ducks. They just changed a few things, but it’s definitely the story of a crappy sports team that gets slightly uncrappier, and they win the big game. The Mighty Ducks had the Flying V; the Little Giants have the Annexation of Puerto Rico. The Mighty Ducks has Adam Banks, a great player who was on the Hawks and than joined the Ducks. The Little Giants has Spike, a great player who joined the Giants and then switched to the Cowboys (a reverse Adam Banks). The Mighty Ducks has a tiny little actor playing the coach (Emilio Estevez); the Little Giants also has a tiny little actor playing the coach (Rick Moranis). They are both so small, but they try so big.

The Little Giants is a decent family film, but I doubt that kids today still watch it. This isn’t a classic film like the Sandlot or even the Mighty Ducks. It’s entertaining but not life changing. I wouldn’t change my Facebook status for this movie.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Lost Coast Brewery Raspberry Brown

Eureka, California’s microbrewery presents Raspberry Brown. This is a brown ale with a hint of raspberry. It is a little bit north of subtle, but it isn’t really fruity. There is a slight chocolate taste; it works well with the raspberry. I can only have one or two at a time; it is more of a dessert beer than one you drink to get shitfaced. If you like Newcastle, chocolate, or raspberries you need to try this beer. It is a great craft brew. If you did a good deed today, you deserve to reward yourself with this.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Batman: The Dark Knight Strikes Again

Frank Miller’s sequel to his brilliant Dark Knight Returns takes everything he did in the first one and destroys it admirably. I can’t tell if Miller is parodying himself or if he just went crazy. It is an interesting read, even if it bastardizes the original. There’s something about train wreck sequels that is appealing.

DKR was set in the ‘80s. DKSA takes place just a few years later, but Gotham and the rest of America aren’t even recognizable. Lex Luthor and Brainiac have taken over the country and left in in a police state. The President of the United States is a computer program. A lot of heroes are forced into working for the government. It is not a good time to be a citizen in the DC universe.

Dark Knight Returns only had a few other heroes besides Superman and the Green Arrow. Dark Knight Strikes Again has a lot more. Wonder Woman, Lara (Superman and Wonder Woman’s love child), Captain Marvel, the Atom, the Flash, Plastic Man, Elongated Man, Green Lantern, the Martian Manhunter all make appearances… is this Batman or the Justice League? The Cold War setting in the first book made Gotham real and the story relatable. DKSA has the Cold War, but it is amped up to the max. It is extremely jarring and isolating. This world is not recognizable, it could never happen. It is too out there. You can tell Miller is trying to outdo himself, but he forgot what he was doing.

Carrie Kelly is a few years older, and is Batman’s Second-in-command. She no longer uses the Robin mantle; now she goes by Catgirl. Batman has a mini army of vigilantes. They all go on raids and try to overthrow Luthor’s dictatorship. The media is a big part of the story too.

The two main villains in the story are Lex Luthor and Brainiac… is this Batman or a Superman comic? Batman is the world’s greatest detective, so seeing him match wits with Luthor is pretty interesting. There is another villain as well, a crazy psycho who models himself after the Joker. It was a nice little twist to find out his real identity. It’s one of the few redeeming parts of the comic.

It is entertaining and worth reading, especially if you read and enjoyed the Dark Knight Returns. This is a shoddy sequel, but not the worst thing to happen to mankind. It is sad to see a genius like Miller losing his touch.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra

Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra is a core of soft caramel surrounded by chocolate and caramel ice creams and fudge chips. If that sounds intense, it is. It’s super rich and the caramel core is a big glob of sugary glop. It is extremely chocolately and caramely. In case you didn’t know it is named after the Kama Sutra, a delightful ancient Indian children’s story. It’s actually a sex book, making this flavor a very sexy pun. Props to Ben and his pal Jerry.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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