Tag Archives: transportation

September 28, 2012 · 9:36 am

Use Your Fucking Turn Signal

Hey buddy, use your fucking turn signal. That’s awesome that you wanna turn here, but I can’t read your fucking mind. Nothing can penetrate that thick skull of yours. There’s no good reason to ignore your blinkers. Maybe you’re rebelling against public safety, maybe you’re just being lazy, or maybe you’re just a rude, inconsiderate dickhole. You have turn signals. I can see them right there. Even if they are broken you can still use those stupid arm gestures that they teach you in driver’s ed.

They install turn signals in cars for a reason. If you’re the kind of driver who consciously chooses to ignore them, do us all a favor and ignore your headlights too. You deserve to die in a car crash. Just don’t take anyone with you, motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2012 · 3:05 am

Getting Up For Your Stop Too Early

You’re on the train or bus heading for your destination and you know that your stop is coming up. In fact, it’s the next stop. So you ding the dingy and get up and shuffle towards the door. But then the vehicle stops at a light or yields for a pedestrian and you’re stuck standing awkwardly by the exit. The clock keeps ticking and seconds turn to minutes and you realize you got up too early. You glance back at your seat and a stressed-out guy in a business suit has already taken it. You were too anxious and karma kicked you in the ass this time. The only thing you can do is act like you meant to get up, like you wanted to stretch your legs or be polite or some other nonsensical reason. Nobody buys it. You fucked up and everyone else knows it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 31, 2012 · 10:54 am

Talking on the Phone on Public Transportation

If you are on the bus, train, ferry, or some other form of public transportation and your phone rings, you have two options. You can do the right thing and ignore the call, or you can answer your phone. It’s understandable to answer your phone. But you should mention right off the bat that you’re on the bus so you can’t really talk. You find out what they want and you end the conversation.  But if you answer and proceed to have a loud and glorified conversation for more than five minutes, you are blissfully ignorant of how rude and obnoxious you are. It’s even worse if you’re the one calling people on public transportation. You are scum and you should know that.

There’s this thing called Other People. You might want to continuously be yakking on your phone for thirty minutes, but Other People don’t want to be forced to eavesdrop on your lame but loud conversation. Other People don’t give a shit about your day, and they don’t want to hear about it.  No one wants to listen your stupid conversation about how drunk you were last night and how mean your boss was today because you were hungover. And you talk a lot of shit about your friends to whoever you’re talking to.

Who calls people anyway? It’s text or bust. Especially on the bus.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 5, 2012 · 9:46 am

Missing Your Stop

Taking the bus is a good thing. It’s good for the environment. It’s good for your budget. You just need to know where to jump on and where to hop off. Knowing your stop is essential to taking the bus. If you don’t pay attention to where you are going, how will you know when you get there? Missing your stop is the sign of an amateur, but it happens to everybody. You just have to calm yourself and pretend like it was intentional, that you wanted to walk an extra few blocks back to your stop. Exercise, you know?

Critically Rated at 9/17

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July 14, 2012 · 8:54 am

Riding a Bike with Your Helmet on the Handlebars

People who ride bicycles in major cities have to be fearless. Stop signs are optional and coming to a complete stop is a sign of weakness. It’s a good idea to wear a helmet if you are going to risk your life that that, and so a lot of people protect their noggin. Some people decide to live on the wild side and don’t wear helmets. And some idiots buy helmets and just sling them on their handlebars. You are an idiot for riding a bike with your helmet of the handlebars. You have a helmet, you have it with you, you are on your bike… you should fucking put it on. It’s common sense. I hope your helmet strap gets caught in your front wheel and you die. If you have a helmet, fucking use it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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June 16, 2012 · 8:55 am

Being More Sober Than Your Designated Driver

People like to drink. People like to pretend that they are responsible. Sometimes they will designate a designated driver, sometimes someone will volunteer to be the designated driver.  It is hard to be in a public situation with tons of drunk people and refrain from having a few drinks. It’s understandable if the designated driver has a few, so long as they don’t get too drunk. But sometimes they do. Sometimes you end up being more sober than you designated driver. All you can do is suck it up and buckle your seatbelt and be glad you’re not in the driver’s seat. If he crashes, it’s his fault, I just wanted a ride.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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June 9, 2012 · 9:52 am

Running for the Bus

Running for the bus is always a bad idea. If you run for the bus and miss it, now you are out of breath and slightly sweaty and you feel awkward for your desperate sprint to futility, and you are stuck waiting a few minutes for the next bus. Even if you run for the bus and reach it in time, now you are out of breath and slightly sweaty on the bus. It’s a lose-lose situation and you will never impress anyone running for the bus.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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May 11, 2012 · 9:33 am

The Annoying Girl on the Bus who Whistles Her S’s

I was coming home from a late night at work, and it was bad enough that I had to take the bus and didn’t have headphones, but these two girls right behind me would not stop talking and cackling. It’s already annoying that they wouldn’t shut up, but one of the girls whistled all her S’s. She sounded like that beaver in Lady and the Tramp, but with a higher pitched and shriller voice. There is no polite way to tell a stranger that her voice makes you want to puncture your eardrums with a Q-tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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April 10, 2012 · 10:00 am

Escalators

Americans are lazy. Escalators are proof of that. We need moving stairs. Elevators make sense. In a skyscraper they are the fastest, most efficient way to move people and cargo to different floors. Handicapped people rely on them. But if you can walk, you can probably walk up stairs. Moving stairs are just a novelty that became a staple in shopping malls.

Department stores and businesses like escalators because they speed up consumer foot traffic. People walking up moving stairs get to the top faster than people walking up stationary stairs. The problem is with people who don’t walk up the escalator. That’s counter productive. They are lazy. And they stand stationary, side-by-side so I can’t get by.

I am always careful to make sure my shoelace doesn’t get sucked into the escalator. That would be a shitty way to go. At least you would become an urban legend… that’s a decent legacy.

 

Sometimes escalators break. And people walk over to them and grumble about how the escalator is broken and now they have to take the stairs. And then they walk over to the stairs. And they walk up the stairs grumbling about how they have to walk up the stairs. And I laugh at them because a broken escalator is stairs. They could have just walked up the broken escalator. But they would rather be stupid and complain. Americans are funny.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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