Tag Archives: currency

Ones

The lowest dollar bill denomination that we have. A lot of money if you are five years old, but they are the pennies of paper currency. They are kind of cryptic and have weird symbols like a pyramid with an eye and an owl/spider (depending on who you ask) hidden in the upper right corner behind the shield. Crispy, sexy ones are ideal for vending machines and for bus fare. George Washington rocks the front. He is on the dollar bill, the quarter and has a dollar coin as well, he’s tied with Lincoln and Jefferson for being featured on three different denominations.

Critically Rated at 14/17.

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Quarters

Quarters are the best coin. These are ideal for temporary tattoos, magic tricks, scratching off lotto tickets, parking meters and the list goes on and on. It even has its own drinking game named after it.

It has George Washington on it. GEORGE WASHINGTON, the guy who discovered America in 1776 and stole it from the British. He was a full 25% of the Four Fathers, the first President to win a second election, and he carved his own teeth from a cherry tree he chopped down. This is the American Coin of Choice.

I will give away pennies, nickels, dimes, even crumpled dollar bills to bums on the street, but I keep my quarters. Those are for laundry. We should get rid of all coins except for the quarter, half dollar, and dollar coin.

They would get a perfect score but you can’t buy a pack of gum or make a phone call anymore. I know that it’s because of inflation, so maybe they should make quarters worth 35 cents. Problem solved.

Critically Rated at 16/17.

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Dimes

One thing that has always bugged me about dimes is the fact that they are worth more than pennies and nickels but are smaller than both. Is it because FDR was a cripple? He won 4 straight presidential elections, got the US out of the Great Depression, and helped pave the way for an Allied victory in WWII, but couldn’t walk….. makes sense to honor him with a coin, a little tiny coin.

At least you can use them at the meter, for laundry, for bus fare, at the vending machine. It is probably the most practical coin beside the quarter, but that doesn’t mean much.

Critically Rated at 9/17.

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Nickels

Nickels are mediocre coins. They almost look like a quarter so you get your hopes up, and then you see Jefferson’s shitty profile and you die inside a little bit. Not to shit on good old TJ, that guy was alright (go to Wikipedia if you don’t believe me), but nickels are only good for 2 minutes in the meter or a Bazooka Joe.

Critically Rated at 7/17.

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Pennies

The penny is commonly thought of as garbage money. It is practically worthless. People don’t care about them. I’ve seen people throw them away. I know that a penny saved is a penny earned, but you have to save a shit ton of them just to buy a pack of gum.

Washing machines won’t accept them. Vending machines won’t accept them. Parking meters won’t accept them. Coin Star is the only thing that wants your pennies.

I like Lincoln, but he’s already on the five dollar bill and he also has his own dollar coin too. I don’t think he would lose his head if we got rid of the penny. Lose his head. Get it?

Critically Rated at 5/17.

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