April 16, 2014 · 9:29 am

Time Jumps

Time jumps are when you glance at the time, look away for a moment, and glance back at the time and realize that an hour or more has slipped away. It happens when you’re sleeping. It happens when you’re bored. It happens when you’re fucked up. It happens when you’re driving or travelling. It happens when you’re really happy. And sometimes it happens in life. A summer romance ends as September approaches. You just started high school and now you’re already graduating. You just got your dog, he was a puppy, and now you’re taking him to the vet for the last time. The kid from The Wonder Years is how old now? Where did the time go? What happened? And if only I could go back and do it again…

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 16, 2014 · 9:27 am

National Stress Awareness Day

April 16th is Nation Stress Awareness Day. Don’t panic if you didn’t know that. Take a deep breath. There’s nothing to worry about. You don’t have to do anything to celebrate except acknowledging what’s stressing you out and then taking a chill pill. Or a couple of puffs because weed is more effective.  National Stress Awareness Day should be a day where you reanalyze your priorities and temporary goals. Find out what’s bugging you and come up with a way to deal with it. You don’t have to eliminate the stress today, there’s another pseudo-holiday for that. You only have to be aware of your stress; you don’t actually have to do anything about it. However, it probably doesn’t help your stress levels if you forgot that yesterday was Tax Day.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2014 · 11:33 am

Bigfoot

Bigfoot is one of the most famous cryptid animals, up there with the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman. Bigfoot is similar to the Abominable Snowman, but the Abominable Snowman lives in the Himalayans and Bigfoot lives in the Pacific Northwest. He’s one of the few mythical creatures from America. The Abominable Snowman is also called a Yeti, and Bigfoot is also known as Sasquatch. Never get them mixed up because the differences are huge and the details matter. I grew up watching the History Channel right around the time they were making the shift from legitimate historical facts to bogus stories about ghosts, aliens, and the paranormal. They presented Bigfoot as if he was a real creature. They had plaster casts of his tracks, hair samples, audio recordings, photographs, raw video footage, and reliable eyewitness accounts. The world’s top scientists speculated that it might be a Gigantopithicus, a supposedly extinct species of giant apes. Bigfoot wasn’t a fantasy creature; he was a real animal that was so rare they couldn’t prove that he existed. Then I grew up and started to doubt that there could be a giant species of apes living in the mountains and forests in modern day USA, but every couple of years some hunter claims to have the hide of Bigfoot and he makes the headlines again. It makes me wonder, it makes me wish. Bigfoot may only be a myth and a legend, yet he’s left a legacy that will endure long after you and I are gone. That might not make him real but he definitely exists.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2014 · 11:29 am

Early Birthday Wishes

Facebook has a feature that informs you of birthdays. It’s a pretty useful tool. It helps it seem like you remembered/cared about the day someone was born. But sometimes people don’t know how time zones work and someone will post a happy birthday message a day early. It’s a nice gesture, but then you’ll suddenly be bombarded by dozens of other early birthday messages because everyone else saw that you had a birthday message and they don’t want to be the asshole that forgot your birthday. Pretty soon your birthday becomes a trending topic a day early and there’s nobody left to wish you a happy birthday on your actual birthday. At least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you eat cake in bed crying.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 14, 2014 · 12:25 pm

Nectarines Are Just Bald Peaches

Some people think that nectarines and peaches are different fruits. Some people even think that nectarines are a hybrid fruit crossbred from peaches and plums. Some people are ignorant and shouldn’t be on your team for Trivia Nights. The truth is that nectarines are just bald peaches. Really. They are the same species. Peaches have the dominant gene for fuzzy skin while nectarines have the recessive gene. Patrick Stewart also has the recessive gene. Peaches get all the glory because they have fuzz. Nectarines are neglected. Like your personal hygiene.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 14, 2014 · 12:23 pm

Girls Named Tara

I feel bad for girls named Tara because they have a simple name that can be pronounced two different ways. It’s either sounds like Tar-uh or like Ter-uh, but it’s only one of those. Most people aren’t sure which one to use, so they flip-flop back and forth and say both pronunciations just to be safe. They figure it doesn’t matter if they’re wrong half the time as long as they are still right half the time. They don’t consider that Tara dies a little bit each time someone calls her the wrong name. I think Tara should hang out with Andrea because Andrea knows exactly how she feels. Names are important, learn how to pronounce them correctly or come up with a good nickname to avoid the whole issue.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2014 · 12:12 pm

Fans Who Leave Early

Fans who leave early aren’t really fans. You should never give up on your team. You should support them until the bitter end. Especially with baseball because it isn’t over until you get the final out. Besides, you’ll never experience the thrill of a walk-off win or an amazing comeback in overtime if you leave early. I don’t even understand why you would want to leave early. Tickets are expensive these days. You should see the complete game and get your money’s worth. Sure, you might want to beat traffic but there will still be traffic. Leaving early won’t help you any. In fact you should linger and stay longer, maybe kill some time at a restaurant or bar and let the roads thin out a bit. Take some time to reflect on the game you just saw with some friends and analyze the key plays and turn of events that affected the outcome. You don’t want to show up late and leave early like a Dodgers fan. People respect the Dodgers, but nobody respects Dodgers fans. Stay for the whole game. Don’t leave early.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2014 · 12:10 pm

Post-Credits Scene

A post-credits scene is a bonus scene that pops up after the film credits roll. Most of the time it’s just a promotion for a potential sequel, but occasionally it adds some merit to the plotline of the film. It seems like a new gimmick made to establish the Marvel Universe these days, but post-credits scenes have been a part of Hollywood for decades now. Ferris Bueller told you that the movie was over and that it’s time to go home. Superman promised that Superman would return in Superman II. Post-credits scenes used to mean something and they get you revved up for a potential sequel. Now you wait for fifteen minutes to see the Avengers eating shawarma. Times have changed. But the post-credits scene is going to stick around for awhile. You better get used to it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2014 · 10:00 am

Grand Slam

A grand slam is one of the most exciting plays in baseball. It’s a home run when the bases are loaded. One crack of the bat gets you four runs. You can come from behind and get the lead with a single swing. It’s awesome to watch on TV, but there’s nothing like being at the ballpark and seeing one firsthand. Don’t take it for granted. You should feel lucky to witness one because you are lucky to witness one. It’s an instant memory and one you’re not likely to forget. A grand slam is always enough to get the stadium going, but a grand slam hit by a pitcher is the cream of the crop. It doesn’t get better than that. Especially if it’s an AL pitcher because they never get at bats.  If you don’t appreciate a grand slam, you don’t appreciate baseball. You should probably give your season tickets to somebody who does.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2014 · 9:59 am

Lisp

A lisp is a type of speech impediment in which the speaker has trouble pronouncing the S sound. Say “Lisp” out loud. Does it sound like you said “Lithp”? If yes, then I’m sorry to inform you that you have a lisp. It’s all right, lots of people have lisps. Just not successful ones. That’s not really true, I’m just an asshole. My buddy used to have a lisp when he was a kid. He had to go a speech therapist and say tongue twisters like “the snake is in the grass” for hours on end. He still has nightmares about it, but he eventually got rid of his lisp. I never would have known that he used to have a speech impediment if he didn’t tell me about it. He probably wishes he didn’t say anything to me, because I make fun of him for it all the time. See, I told you I was an aththhole.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2014 · 9:47 am

Heckling

Heckling is the act of harassing and distracting somebody who is trying to perform. It’s wrong to heckle comedians or musicians, but it’s perfectly acceptable to heckle athletes. It’s part of the game. Heckling is integral in rooting for your home team. A lot of fans enjoy sitting in the bleachers to yell insults at the opposing team’s center fielder or star quarterback. But you need to be clever if you want to be rowdy and yell. It’s lazy to shout out “Number 22 sucks!” and nobody will appreciate it. It’s better if you know they Number 22 is adopted and you scream out “Your parents never loved you!” In ordinary society that would be a big no-no, but it flies on the field. Yell out that you’ve seen his wife’s tits in a movie she did and that one of her nipples is bigger than the other. That kind of shit will get in his head. That kind of shit will make him drop the ball and commit an error. That kind of shit will help your team win. Heckling is glorified bullying. You want to make them unsure and unconfident. You want to make them cry. And you want other people to laugh at them too. Don’t feel bad about it. Those fuckers get paid good money to deal with drunken spectators trying to shatter their self-esteem.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2014 · 9:46 am

Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale

Lagunitas Brewing Company presents Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale, a limited release American Strong Ale. It really is a strong ale too. 9.7% ABV is nothing to scoff at. It’s a very enjoyable craft beer. It pours a reddish copper color with a tan head. The aroma is mostly floral and citrus hops, but I get hints of grass, caramel, pine, pineapple, and sweet and bready malts. The taste is mostly bitter hops, but it’s balanced nicely with grapefruit, orange, lemon peel, pine, sweet malts, caramel, burnt sugar, and spice. It’s deliciously bitter with an IBU of 66.6 (so I wouldn’t drink it on a Sunday if you’re the religious type). It’s a limited release so you should get on it while you have the chance. Buy a six-pack and thank me later.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2014 · 12:51 pm

Flyover

A flyover is one of the coolest things about professional sports in the US. They are usually reserved for special games like Opening Day, playoffs, and championships. You’ll be sitting in the stands listening to a stirring rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner when four jets fly directly over the stadium, right over your head and your patriotism gene kicks into overdrive. The engines scream and the crowd roars and shouts out chants of ‘MURICA! and USA! USA! USA! It’s fricking awesome. Sometimes it’s jets, sometimes it’s helicopters, and sometimes it’s just big ass planes, but it’s always a military commercial. It makes you want to enlist and kill Al-Qaedas. Flyovers are always memorable and will probably be the highlight of your day if your team loses.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2014 · 12:49 pm

Ballpark Food

You’ve never truly experienced a hotdog until you’ve eaten one at a baseball game. A hotdog is ballpark food and it tastes best at the stadium with your favorite team on the field. There’s something about being at the ballpark that makes food taste better. Hotdogs and Polish sausages and corndogs become a delicacy. Cotton candy is sweeter and fluffier. Peanuts are crunchier, sunflower seeds are saltier, and the Cracker Jacks are top notch. Different ballparks have different menus that reflect their region. They have crab fries in Philly, carne asada fries in San Diego, and garlic fries in San Francisco. Ballpark food is going gourmet too. You can find some truly amazing dishes at stadiums around the MLB. Of course no ballpark meal is complete without a ballpark beer to wash it down with. A ballpark beer is a regular beer, only far more refreshing and five times as expensive.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2014 · 1:44 pm

RAT on the New York subway! (YouTube video)

RAT on the New York subway! is the descriptive title of a YouTube video about a rat running around a crowded subway car. It’s pretty funny because most of the passengers are standing up on the seats like they are all playing a game of hot lava. The rat runs around the length of the car causing people to shriek and jump out of the way. The rat is actually a blessing in disguise. Nobody is really freaking out about t, and you can tell that the rat is really a bonding experience. People are actually interacting with each other as they laugh, groan, and scream together. They all look like little kids, and that looks like fun. It makes you want to experience a rat on the subway for yourself. Besides, I’d rather deal with a rat on the subway than with one in my house.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2014 · 1:41 pm

Hoppy Daze (beer)

Hoppy Daze is a Belgian Style India Pale Ale from California’s Coronado Brewing Company. It pours a golden amber color with a large white head. It has a predominantly hoppy scent with aromas of cloves, Belgian yeast, citrus, and light malt. I like how it tastes. I get a lot of herbal and citrus hops, honey, spice, coriander, bready malt, pine, and pepper. It’s a satisfying Belgian IPA and a good craft brew, but I wouldn’t call it a great beer. If I ever write a list of my top hundred beers, Hoppy Daze wouldn’t be on it. It would make the top two hundred though. I drink way too much beer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2014 · 10:42 am

Unicorn

A unicorn is a mythical creature that looks like a horse with a horn on its head. I don’t know why they are called unicorns. If they only have one horn, they should be called unihorns. That makes a lot more sense. Unicorns are a symbol of purity, grace, and magic. The horn is said to have healing powers and drinking the unicorn’s blood can make you immortal (at least according to the Harry Potter universe). Giants supposedly used unicorn horns as toothpicks. In the ancient world they believed unicorns were real and were probably based on sightings of unfamiliar animals and bad descriptions from unreliable eyewitnesses. In the middle ages they believed that unicorns could only be captured by virgins, so you should be insulted if someone calls you a unicorn-catcher.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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