Dog Farts

Dog farts are the most acceptable type of fart. If a person farts around you, it’s easy to get offended or disgusted. But if a dog farts around you, you simply groan and push him away. You might not even push him away. A dog fart is distinctive too. You can tell right away that it’s a dog fart and not a people fart. Dog farts still stink, but they don’t smell as bad as a people fart. Maybe it’s because dogs don’t eat broccoli smothered with melted cheese. I’m not saying that I enjoy dog farts, but if something’s got to fart around me I would prefer it to be a dog.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Don’t Step In Any Liquid On City Streets

So you’re going to the city for a night. You get all dressed up and ready for a fun night on the town. But before you go out, let me give you some advice: don’t step in any liquid on city streets. Because it’s probably not water. It’s probably piss. People piss outside all the time. Homeless people, drunk people, and people who just can’t hold it in anymore all treat the city like it’s giant toilet. Yeah, it’s gross. Yeah, it’s disgusting. But that’s how it is and you can’t change it. All you can do is try to avoid stepping into any mysterious puddles or streams on the sidewalk.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Your Friend’s Attractive Girlfriend

Everyone has one friend with a really hot girlfriend. Like way hot. And everyone secretly wonders how he got her. Because she’s so hot. And she’s funny. And she’s smart. And she laughs at your jokes. And you think that she kinda likes you. And that maybe you should ask her out. And then you remember that she’s your friend’s girlfriend and you feel like a douchebag. She’s just so hot though. God dammit. Your friend’s attractive girlfriend is like artwork in a museum. You can look, but you can’t touch. Only make sure that your friend doesn’t catch you looking and have an excuse ready if he does.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hop Rod Rye (beer)

Hop Rod Rye is an American IPA from Bear Republic Brewing Co. Bear Republic is mostly known for Racer 5 and Red Rocket Ale, but Hop Rod Rye is gaining in popularity. It pours a dark copper color with a nice tan head. It smells of sweet malts and citrus hops with rye, grass, and floral notes. It tastes like it smells. I get lots of sweet malt, hops, orange peel, grapefruit, and maybe a little spice. It’s not that hoppy for an India Pale Ale and it makes my mouth happy. It has a decent 8.0% alcohol content, which is enough to make you sleepy before bedtime. This is a very enjoyable craft beer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Concussion

I got a concussion when I was in third grade. We were playing Capture the Flag in gym class and I was in jail waiting for a teammate to tag me and set me free. Now at this point I need to mention that I was the shortest kid in my glass. I was tiny. And the biggest kid in my class was on my team, and he took up the challenge of freeing me. He ran full speed into me, basically clotheslining me and sending me flying backwards. I landed on my back and slammed my head on the blacktop. I laid there dazed for a minute or two before I slowly got up and stumbled over to the teacher. She sent me to the school nurse and I stayed there for about half an hour before I went back to class. After gym class was Sustained Silent Reading, and that’s when I knew something was wrong. I was reading my book and my vision was blurry and out of focus. The words were moving and shifting around and I started to get a headache. I was eight years old. I never had a headache before. I didn’t know what they felt like. I didn’t know what was happening. Needless to say that it freaked me out. I knew that I was hurt, but I didn’t know why. I just chalked it up to banging my head and didn’t mention it to anyone. I survived the school day and my head started to feel normal after a day or two. About a week after the incident, my mom nonchalantly mentioned that I experienced a minor concussion, but nobody told me about it because they didn’t want me to worry about it. I was actually proud that I got a concussion. I thought it only happened to football players and I felt like I accomplished something. After all, not everybody gets to experience a brain injury. Lucky me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sweet or Sour (game)

When I was a kid I would play a game in the car called Sweet or Sour. It was a pretty simple game. You wave at a stranger in another car. If they wave back, they are sweet. If they don’t wave back, they are sour. You don’t get any points if you get somebody to wave back, and you don’t lose any points if they don’t wave back. We didn’t keep score. Nobody would win and nobody would lose. In retrospect it wasn’t much of a game. I was still good at it though. It’s probably not a game that I will teach my kids. It just conditions kids to be overly friendly and unsuspicious of strangers. It’s like telling them that strangers have the best candy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Pier 39 Sea Lions

I work at a restaurant in the San Francisco tourist trap known as Pier 39. There are a few restaurants and attractions worth checking out, but the sea lions are the only major reason to check out Pier 39. The sea lions starting hanging out at Pier 39 during September of 1989. At first there were only a dozen or so, but word spread amongst the sea lion community that Pier 39 was a haven from sharks, killer whales, and had an ample food supply. By 2009 there were as many as 1,700 sea lions calling Pier 39 home. That’s a lot of pinnipeds. There aren’t always that many sea lions. Most of them leaving during the winter months, but they typically return by springtime. During spring and summer there are usually a couple hundred lounging out on the docks. Now it’s time for some pinniped facts! Pinniped is Latin for fin feet. Pinnipeds include sea lions, seals, and walruses. You can tell a walrus by its tusks, but it’s harder to tell seals and sea lions apart. The main difference lies in the ears. Seals don’t have ears, only stupid little ear holes where the ears should be. Sea lions have nifty little ear flaps. Seals are silent loners that flop around awkwardly on land. Sea lions are loud social creatures that gather in large groups and can walk on all fours on land. They are called sea lions because they are the lions of the sea – aggressive, agile, carnivores that believe in the circle of life.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

The well-known Pier 39 in San Francisco

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Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Oatmeal raisin cookies are cookies that are made with oatmeal and raisins. You usually find them at Grandma’s house. I don’t like oatmeal raisin cookies because they are deceptive. They try to look like chocolate chip cookies. That doesn’t sound so bad until you consider that chocolate chip cookies are among the best types of cookie and oatmeal raisin cookies are among the worst. There’s nothing more disappointing than taking a big bite of a chocolate chip cookie and discovering that it’s disgusting oatmeal raisin. You feel like you got duped and you did. You feel violated. You’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to trust another cookie again. You’re not sure if you want to. Oatmeal raisin cookies should be banned. I don’t know anybody who actually likes them. And I don’t want to know about it if you do.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Asking to Steal a Fry

It’s lunchtime at McDonald and you’re munching on some McNuggets. Your friend got a burger and some fries, and those fries are looking mighty tasty. You start craving them but you don’t want to pay for any. That’s when you resort to asking to steal a fry. It’s a casual way of getting permission to eat his food and it also makes him more willing to share them. You could just grab a handful of fries and shove them in your mouth, but it’s more polite to ask if before you take any. It’s always better to ask for approval rather than assuming that it’s ok. Besides, you’re not actually stealing anything if you ask to steal it. Right?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Smoked Porter with Chipotle Peppers

Stone Brewing Co. presents Smoked Porter with Chipotle Peppers, a seasonal summer American Porter brewed with real chipotle peppers. It pours a dark brown, nearly black color, with a thick tan head. It has a rich malty aroma with hints of spicy peppers, chocolate, caramel, and smoke. The taste is of roasted malts, smoke, pine, and it starts sweet but then you get a spicy kick from the chipotle. I’ve had pepper infused beers before, but combining chipotle peppers with a smoky porter takes it to a whole new level. The chipotle is subtle yet still lingers on your tongue after each sip. It’s indescribably tasty. It’s has a 5.9% ABV, which is about average for a craft beer. But nothing else is average about this beer. You have to experience it for yourself. Do it. Now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paper Cut

A paper cut is a small cut that you get from a piece of paper. Even though they are small cuts, they are deceptively painful. You can die from them. You probably won’t, but it’s still a possibility. You could get a paper cut on a major artery and bleed out, or the paper cut could get infected, or the piece of paper could be poisoned. There are lots of ways to die from a paper cut. It’s one of the main reasons why I won’t ever work in an office. It’s too dangerous. Paper cuts have been a fixture of pop culture for decades. There was a bully character on Nickelodeon’s The Adventures of Pete & Pete named Paper Cut. His gimmick was making deadly paper weapons. There was also the infamous scene in Jackass: The Movie where Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O get self-inflicted paper cuts. It makes me cringe every time. I wouldn’t wish a paper cut upon my worst enemy.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Oz Season 2

Oz Season 2 is the second season of HBO’s acclaimed dramatic series about life behind bars of the fictional Oswald State Penitentiary. It’s only 8 episodes, each one about an hour long, so you can watch the whole season in a few days. The first season introduced you to the rising tensions of the prison staff member and inmates that culminated in a deadly riot. Season 2 is about the aftermath of the riot, about the lessons learned or ignored by the main characters. You catch up with old characters and you meet new ones that change the dynamic of the prison.

Tim McManus (Terry Kinney) reopens Emerald City, determined to make it succeed. He does this by separating the inmates into different groups (The Mafia, the Aryan Brotherhood, the Muslims, the Homeboys, the Latinos, the rejects, the homosexuals, etc.) with only four members each. Amongst this new backdrop new issues and problems arise.

There are way too many story arcs to cover, so I won’t even try. I’ll just mention a few that I enjoyed. The warden’s daughter gets raped and one of the inmates knows who is responsible. The talented Poet (who happens to be a poet) gets his poetry published and becomes a celebrity who gets his freedom, even though he’s not ready for it. Tobias Beecher (Lee Tergesen) and Schillinger (J.K. Simmons) wage psychological warfare on each other. And Ryan O’Reily (Dean Winters) falls in love with the prison nurse, gets his mentally challenged brother to kill her husband, and deal with the guilt when his brother gets sent to Oz for the murder. There’s another subplot involving two old inmates trying to dig their way out.

There isn’t as much as stake as in Season 1. Season 2 seems to be more of a character study. And there are a lot of interesting characters so there is a lot to explore. It’s not a tame season by any means. Remember that Oz is an HBO show about prison. You’re gonna see a lot of shocking and fucked up shit. If you liked the first season, you’ll love the second season.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Beer on the Rocks

One time I was hanging out with my friend at his mom’s house and he offered me a drink. I never turn down free booze so I gladly accepted his offer. He handed me a warm bottle of Heineken and a glass filled with ice. I had no choice but to crack the brew and pour it into the glass. He got his own beer and glass with ice, we clinked our drinks together, and took a sip. It was crisp, cold, and refreshing. It was beer. Beer on the rocks. I didn’t mind the ice as much as I thought I would. If anything, the ice gave me more incentive to drink faster so it wouldn’t melt and water it down. I don’t think I’ll try it again though. I love cold beer, but ice in the glass isn’t the way to go. The next time I’ll take wrap a wet paper towel around the warm beer and stick it in the freezer for fifteen minutes. That’s the ideal life hack for this situation.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Idris Fiery Ginger Beer

Idris Fiery Ginger beer is an English soft drink made with ginger extract. The slogan Try me if you dare!! I don’t normally take orders from sodas, but I decided to accept this challenge. I bought a 330ml can, cracked it open, and took a sip. I didn’t like it. I took another sip. It tasted a little better. I took a few more sips and it became more enjoyable. But I still didn’t like it by the time I finished the can. I guess I don’t like ginger beer. It’s not half bad, but it’s not good. I won’t be getting Idris Fiery Ginger Beer anymore. It’s all yours, England.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stella Liebeck

You might not know Stella Liebeck’s name, but you know who she is. She’s the lady that burned herself with hot coffee and successfully sued McDonald’s. She became the poster child for frivolous lawsuits, a reputation that she did not deserve. The media blasted her, mocked her, and twisted the facts to depict her as greedy, sue-happy, and eager to manipulate the system. They were eager to portray her as the villain and McDonald’s as the victim. The fact is that McDonald’s knew that they had a dangerous product. Their coffee was sold at 180–190 °F, which is enough to cause a third-degree burn in as little as two seconds. They had over 700 separate reports of severe burns caused by their overly hot coffee and they simply ignored them or paid off the victims until Stella Liebeck came along.

Stella Liebeck was a 79-year-old lady wearing sweat pants sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car when she removed the lid to add cream and sugar and accidentally spilled the cup on her lap. Her sweat pants acted like a sponge and held the coffee against her groin, buttocks, and thighs. She got third-degree burns over 6% of her body and first to second-degree burns over 16% of her body. She had to get skin grafts, lost over twenty pounds, and spent over two weeks in the hospital. She was in real pain, and the jury was aware of it. They awarded her with 2.7 million dollars, which the judge reduced to $640,000, and Liebeck and McDonald’s eventually settled out of court for under $600,000.

But the media latched on to the $2.7 million, and so the urban legend goes that a dumb lady spilled hot coffee on herself while driving, sued, and became a millionaire. Stella Liebeck became a joke, a laughing stock, a punchline. She might have won the trial, but she lost her dignity and her reputation. You can’t believe everything that the media says. Stella Liebeck really was a victim, and in more ways than one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Compulsive Liars

Compulsive liars are people who habitually lie for no reason at all. They lie about what they do, how much they make, what they did last night. They embellish, they exaggerate, they make up things. Everybody knows a compulsive liar, where everything that they say has to be taken with a grain of salt because half the things that they say are complete bullshit. Most of the times the things that they lie about aren’t worth lying about. I know a girl that claims she was Prom Queen and Valedictorian of her high school and she brings it up fairly regularly. My cousin went to the same school as her and can verify that she was neither of those. I confronted my friend with the truth, and she denied it and called my cousin a liar and a bitch. Then I took out her high school yearbook and she had to shut up and admit defeat. I wish I could say that she learned her lesson, but she still spins tall tales and false anecdotes every single day. I can’t trust her, so I can’t be her friend. Trust is integral in any relationship. You have to be able to trust your friends, your family, your lover, your coworkers, even public servants. You want to believe what they say is true, and you’ll believe them unless you have a reason not to. And you just can’t trust compulsive liars.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accidentally Poking Yourself in the Eye

Nothing makes you feel like a winner more than accidentally poking yourself in the eye. You’ll be washing your face and your finger will slip and suddenly there’s blinding pain, a flash of white, you see stars, and your eye starts to water. Not only does it hurt, but you feel like a dumbass and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Poking yourself in the eye is unavoidable. You could go months, years, even decades without having any phalange-ocular contact but it only takes one careless second to end that streak. Everybody accidentally pokes themselves in the eye at some point, and if you haven’t done it yet, then you are long overdue. Just try not to scratch your retina with your fingernail when it finally does happen.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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