Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

April 25, 2014 · 8:44 am

Flipping the Bird

Flipping the bird is when you extend your middle finger to someone. It’s a way of saying “FUCK YOU!” without using your voice. Most cases of road rage involve somebody flipping someone else off. You’ll get cut off and have no other way of expressing your anger than by flipping that motherfucker off. Then they flip you off and swerve into your lane and shit starts to escalate. Who knew that a simple hand gesture could lead to so much devastation? Remember that it’s flipping the bird. Some people say flicking the bird or that they flicked you off. Those people deserve to be flipped off. They don’t realize that flick doesn’t make any sense in that scenario. You’re insulting somebody, not trying to get rid of a booger. Get it right or don’t do it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2014 · 8:43 am

Instant Friend Request

You go to a party with a friend and meet a bunch of new random people. You have a few beers, a few laughs, and then you call it a night and go home. You wake up the next morning and check Facebook and you have a new friend request. You’re intrigued and you click on it, and you find out that it’s from that weird guy that debated about Marvel vs. DC with you the night before. You’re not sure if you should accept his request or deny it, so you ignore it. An instant friend request is always an awkward situation. I don’t know you. I just met you. Why are you stalking me on Facebook? And how did you find out my full name? How desperate are you to socialize? I was just being friendly, I wasn’t trying to be your friend.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 24, 2014 · 8:29 am

Bluetooth Headset

A Bluetooth headset is a small device that fits in your ear used for short-range voice transmission. You’ll typically find them on businessmen, cab drivers, and douchebags. There is no way to use a Bluetooth headset without looking pretentious. The problem with them is that you never know if the douchebag is talking to you or to someone else. They will suddenly ignore you in the middle of a conversation because their phone rings, but you can’t tell that the phone rang. You’ll think that they are still talking to you so you respond to them, and they point to their Bluetooth headset like you’re an idiot. People complain about how everyone is so absorbed in technology that there isn’t any real human interaction anymore. Bluetooth headsets and smart phones have a lot to do with that, but you can use a smart phone without looking like a tool. You can’t do that with Bluetooth in your ear. It’s a social deterrent. Bluetooth headsets are only acceptable if you are working or driving. But you’ll still look like a douchebag.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 24, 2014 · 8:27 am

Losing a Tooth

Losing a tooth is awesome when you’re a kid. Losing a tooth is terrible when you’re an adult. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means a visit from the Tooth Fairy and getting money. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means a visit to the dentist and spending money. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means another one will grow in its place. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means dentures. I guess that I’m trying to say that losing a tooth has lost its allure. There was a time when I would have loved losing a tooth. Now it’s something I worry about. I miss the days when I was still immortal and regenerative.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2014 · 1:11 pm

Birthday Buddies

It’s always cool meeting somebody who has the same birthday as you. You instantly have a bond, a connection. You are birthday buddies. The world is a big place but it seems a lot smaller when you find someone who came into existence the same day that you did. It happened to me the other night. I was grabbing a drink with some coworkers after work and one of them brought along a friend. The friend mentioned that her birthday was coming up next week. My birthday is coming up next week too, so I asked her when it was. She said April 29th. I told her it was mine too. She asked for proof. I showed her my ID and she showed me hers. Once it was verified that we were birthday buddies, we raised our glasses and we toasted to Tauruses everywhere. There are billions of people on the planet and only 365 days (sometimes 366 days) each year, so you share your birthday with millions of people. You just have to find out who they are.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2014 · 11:31 pm

Banging Your Head

You’re brushing your teeth and you left medicine cabinet door open so you remember to floss when you accidently drop the cap to the toothpaste. You bend down to grab it, you do, you stand back up, and you smack your skull right on the cabinet door. You see a flash of light, an explosion of stars, you feel lightheaded, and your eyes start to water. BAM! OW! OUCH! Banging your head is not fun. There are lots of ways to bang your head, and there are lots of things to bang your head against. All of them suck. And if you’ve ever experienced a concussion you seriously consider wearing a helmet in everyday life. Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. I know more than a few people who could benefit from a safety helmet.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2014 · 9:57 am

Text From a Stranger

I got a text yesterday from someone asking me if I was going to the park. I said I wasn’t planning on it. They said alrighty, and that was the end of the conversation. The only thing that bugs me is that I don’t know who I was talking to. I didn’t recognize the number and I can’t figure out who it was. I never delete texts from my phone so I was able to check my history. It turns out I had a previous conversation with that number fourteen months ago, and they asked if I was going to work that night. I can only assume that it’s a coworker that I don’t care about. But that’s only a guess. I have no clue who the real culprit is. An anonymous text is an unfortunate side effect of modern technology. Caller ID can only take you so far.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2014 · 11:26 am

Walking Through a Picture

I work in a popular restaurant in a scenic tourist trap location. I see tons of people taking pictures as I walk to work. I used to stop and wait or go around them, but now I walk right through the shot. I realized I was wasting a lot of time and energy trying to be polite with no reciprocation from the universe whatsoever. Plus there are hundreds of people taking pictures, there is no way to avoid wrecking a picture. So own it and walk through the shit with your held held high. Walking through a picture makes you feel like an asshole at first, but you get used to it and you start to feel like a badass. You can do anything once you’re able to walk through a picture with no remorse. The world is your oyster, the possibilities are endless.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2014 · 11:25 am

Driving the Wrong Way Down a One Way Street

There’s nothing quite as exhilarating as driving the wrong way down a one way street. The sudden realization that you’re driving directly into oncoming traffic makes your heart skip a beat and your blood starts pumping. A quick reaction time and reacting swiftly without panicking is essential for surviving the situation. And you’re virtually helpless if you’re not behind the steering wheel. All you can do is try not to piss yourself and hope your driver doesn’t kill you. Dying kind of sucks, I try to avoid it.
If you’re going the right way on a one way street and encounter a dumbass driving the wrong way, you’re legally obliged to blast your horn and extend your middle finger. You have to call the driver out for being a moron and endangering your life. Make sure he knows that he fucked up and he fucked up badly. Make him feel bad.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 18, 2014 · 8:38 am

Two Left Shoes

I had a job interview yesterday and I had to dress business casual. Collared shirt, no tie, no jeans, and no sneakers. I had a nice button up shirt and some khakis, but I needed a new pair of shoes. I had the bright idea to get them thirty minutes before my interview. I was running a little late so I hailed a cab and gave him ten bucks to wait for me while I ran inside Payless. I grabbed the first pair of cheap decent shoes that I saw, got in line, paid for them, and ran back to the cab. As we started driving I took off my sneakers and threw them in my bag, then took my the new pair out of the box and swore loudly. There were two left shoes in the box. I couldn’t believe my luck. All I could do was shake my head and continue onwards to the interview. At least I had a good anecdote when they asked me about my day. I don’t know if I got the job yet, but I got it covered if anyone needs a left shoe.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 17, 2014 · 11:08 am

Giving a Deaf Couple a Braille Menu

I used to work at Chili’s and we had a hostess that was really pretty but really dumb. In fact, she was downright incompetent. I remember her finest moment. She sat a deaf couple in my section. I went over to greet them and take their order but they were too busy laughing to talk to me. I asked what was so funny. They held up the menus that the hostess gave them. They were in Braille. She gave the deaf couple a Braille menu. Let that sink in. You better believe that I gave her shit for that. She was a really nice girl but there was no way I could let that slide. Giving deaf people a Braille menu is a whole new kind of stupid.
Critically Rated at 3/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 16, 2014 · 9:29 am

Time Jumps

Time jumps are when you glance at the time, look away for a moment, and glance back at the time and realize that an hour or more has slipped away. It happens when you’re sleeping. It happens when you’re bored. It happens when you’re fucked up. It happens when you’re driving or travelling. It happens when you’re really happy. And sometimes it happens in life. A summer romance ends as September approaches. You just started high school and now you’re already graduating. You just got your dog, he was a puppy, and now you’re taking him to the vet for the last time. The kid from The Wonder Years is how old now? Where did the time go? What happened? And if only I could go back and do it again…

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 16, 2014 · 9:27 am

National Stress Awareness Day

April 16th is Nation Stress Awareness Day. Don’t panic if you didn’t know that. Take a deep breath. There’s nothing to worry about. You don’t have to do anything to celebrate except acknowledging what’s stressing you out and then taking a chill pill. Or a couple of puffs because weed is more effective.  National Stress Awareness Day should be a day where you reanalyze your priorities and temporary goals. Find out what’s bugging you and come up with a way to deal with it. You don’t have to eliminate the stress today, there’s another pseudo-holiday for that. You only have to be aware of your stress; you don’t actually have to do anything about it. However, it probably doesn’t help your stress levels if you forgot that yesterday was Tax Day.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2014 · 11:33 am

Bigfoot

Bigfoot is one of the most famous cryptid animals, up there with the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman. Bigfoot is similar to the Abominable Snowman, but the Abominable Snowman lives in the Himalayans and Bigfoot lives in the Pacific Northwest. He’s one of the few mythical creatures from America. The Abominable Snowman is also called a Yeti, and Bigfoot is also known as Sasquatch. Never get them mixed up because the differences are huge and the details matter. I grew up watching the History Channel right around the time they were making the shift from legitimate historical facts to bogus stories about ghosts, aliens, and the paranormal. They presented Bigfoot as if he was a real creature. They had plaster casts of his tracks, hair samples, audio recordings, photographs, raw video footage, and reliable eyewitness accounts. The world’s top scientists speculated that it might be a Gigantopithicus, a supposedly extinct species of giant apes. Bigfoot wasn’t a fantasy creature; he was a real animal that was so rare they couldn’t prove that he existed. Then I grew up and started to doubt that there could be a giant species of apes living in the mountains and forests in modern day USA, but every couple of years some hunter claims to have the hide of Bigfoot and he makes the headlines again. It makes me wonder, it makes me wish. Bigfoot may only be a myth and a legend, yet he’s left a legacy that will endure long after you and I are gone. That might not make him real but he definitely exists.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2014 · 11:29 am

Early Birthday Wishes

Facebook has a feature that informs you of birthdays. It’s a pretty useful tool. It helps it seem like you remembered/cared about the day someone was born. But sometimes people don’t know how time zones work and someone will post a happy birthday message a day early. It’s a nice gesture, but then you’ll suddenly be bombarded by dozens of other early birthday messages because everyone else saw that you had a birthday message and they don’t want to be the asshole that forgot your birthday. Pretty soon your birthday becomes a trending topic a day early and there’s nobody left to wish you a happy birthday on your actual birthday. At least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you eat cake in bed crying.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2014 · 9:59 am

Lisp

A lisp is a type of speech impediment in which the speaker has trouble pronouncing the S sound. Say “Lisp” out loud. Does it sound like you said “Lithp”? If yes, then I’m sorry to inform you that you have a lisp. It’s all right, lots of people have lisps. Just not successful ones. That’s not really true, I’m just an asshole. My buddy used to have a lisp when he was a kid. He had to go a speech therapist and say tongue twisters like “the snake is in the grass” for hours on end. He still has nightmares about it, but he eventually got rid of his lisp. I never would have known that he used to have a speech impediment if he didn’t tell me about it. He probably wishes he didn’t say anything to me, because I make fun of him for it all the time. See, I told you I was an aththhole.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2014 · 10:42 am

Unicorn

A unicorn is a mythical creature that looks like a horse with a horn on its head. I don’t know why they are called unicorns. If they only have one horn, they should be called unihorns. That makes a lot more sense. Unicorns are a symbol of purity, grace, and magic. The horn is said to have healing powers and drinking the unicorn’s blood can make you immortal (at least according to the Harry Potter universe). Giants supposedly used unicorn horns as toothpicks. In the ancient world they believed unicorns were real and were probably based on sightings of unfamiliar animals and bad descriptions from unreliable eyewitnesses. In the middle ages they believed that unicorns could only be captured by virgins, so you should be insulted if someone calls you a unicorn-catcher.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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