Monthly Archives: June 2014

June 9, 2014 · 10:15 am

69 Day

June 9th is National 69 Day. It’s not an official holiday, I just pretend it is because American’s write out today’s date as 6/9. 6/9 is similar to 69. And 69 is an awesome number because of its relation to the sexual position. I won’t tell you about what a 69 entails, that’s a post for another day. I’ll just say that you haven’t lived if you don’t know what it is. You can also judge somebody’s maturity by how they respond to hearing someone say 69. If they laugh, they are immature. If they smile, they are normal. If they scowl, they are prude. 69 should always invoke a response. Only the unimaginative remain neutral, and the unimaginative are boring. 6/9 is also Donald Duck Day, but that’s not nearly as exciting.

Critically Rated at 6/9

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2014 · 1:09 pm

Split Checks

Want to piss off your server? Tell him that you want split checks after he drops off your bill. I realize that split checks are sometimes necessary, but you should tell the server before he starts to take your order if you know that you’re going to need split checks. That saves him time and that saves you time. It’s not your server’s responsibility to ask if you’re going to want split checks. Most customers take offense to that. It implies that they are rude, cheap, or both. If you’re sitting together, that means that you’re one party. One party gets one check. Most restaurants can split payments, and that’s a lot easier than splitting checks. You should bring cash or a card, keep track of what you ordered, and pay accordingly if you’re going to eat with a group. Give the right amount of cash to whoever is handing the bill. If you have a card, tell the server how much to run it for. Be simple and make it easy as possible for your server. Don’t be a difficult guest. And don’t forget to tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2014 · 1:07 pm

Chef’s Cut Real Chicken Jerky Roasted Red Chili

I picked up a bag of Chef’s Cut Real Chicken Jerky Roasted Red Chili when I was at the store today. I’ve never heard of Chef’s Cut, I’ve never had a Roasted Red Chili flavor before, and I’ve never had chicken jerky before either. That’s all changed now. It looks and smells like beef jerky, with the fowl, crumbly texture of turkey jerky. The Roasted Red Chili flavor is pretty muted with a slight spicy kick. It’s a disappointing jerky. It’s too bland and dry. I noticed that it’s gluten free. Maybe it would have tasted better with some gluten. I’ll try other varieties of Chef’s Cut jerky, but I think I’m over the chicken jerky. Not a good first impression.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2014 · 9:00 am

Hot Lava Game

The Hot Lava Game is a children’s game where you pretend that the ground is made of hot lava. Obviously you can’t step on the ground or you will be burned. You can play it indoors on a rainy day, or outside on a playground when the weather is permitting. The rules are simple. You have to stay off the ground by any means necessary. For example: Start by getting off the ground and stand on the couch. Then jump to a chair. Then leap from the chair to the table. Then go from the table to the kitchen counter. Continue on. Just don’t touch the floor. That’s how you play Hot Lava. It’s a slower, tamer, and less glamorous version of parkour, and you’re far more likely to piss off Mom, but it’s a classic game and there are a million variations to it. All are acceptable as long as you don’t touch the floor. I can’t stress that enough.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2014 · 8:59 am

Dollar Sign After the Number

I went on Facebook the other day and saw my friend complaining that she got a parking ticket for 100$. Everyone else made a sympathetic comment, but I called her out for misusing the dollar sign. People do a lot of stupid things that bug me, and putting the dollar sign after the number is one of them. I don’t even know how anybody could be stupid enough to do that. You see dollar signs about a thousand times a day on commercials, price tags, printed ads, menus, and storefront windows. You have to be pretty damn ignorant to not know where the dollar sign goes. If you put the dollar sign after the number, you should be prepared to explain yourself. I genuinely want to know why you put the dollar sign there and not where it’s supposed to go. If you can’t respect the placement of the dollar sign, you don’t deserve any money. You should give it to me. I’ll respect $1 more than you could ever respect 1$.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2014 · 12:21 pm

Sharing a Cab

Once or twice a week I will go out for drinks with a few coworkers at the end of a late shift. We go to the local dive bar, have a few rounds, and leave around closing time. Then we have the unfortunate task of going back home. We call a cab, pile in, and tell him that we will be making a few stops but we will tip well. We bicker over where to go first and who will be dropped off last. It’s important to communicate with each other and the driver, which is easier said than done because everyone is slightly wasted. The first person to get dropped off never pays as much as they should and they slip away before anyone notices. The second and third people to get dropped off pay more to compensate for the first person not contributing what they should have. And the last person to get dropped off doesn’t have to pay as much because of the second and third person overcompensating, but they have to ride alone with the cab driver and apologize for everyone else’s behavior. This is the joy that is a shared cab ride. But it beats taking the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2014 · 12:20 pm

A Fan Making a Great Play

Yet another thing that I love about baseball is the fan interaction. You need to pay attention when you’re at the ballpark. You have to dodge the occasional broken bat. You get foul balls and home runs flying into the seats and stands. And you can make it on SportsCenter if you make a nice catch. A fan making a great play is always entertaining to watch. There are so many memorable fan catches. There’s the guy who drops his daughter to catch a foul ball. There’s the guy that snags a ball in his beer cup and celebrates by chugging it. There’s the happy dad who gets a foul, gives it to his kid, and watches in disbelief as the kid throws the souvenir back to the field. There’s the plucky old guy who gets a home run ball for the first time and offers it to a youngster nearby instead of keeping it. You’re not likely to catch a game ball, but it’s always a possibility. Be prepared and be ready to release your inner athlete at a moment’s notice.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 5, 2014 · 1:32 pm

Teleportation

Teleportation seems like it would be an awesome superpower or technological advantage. Going from Point A to Point B without moving between the physical space would save you a lot of time. When you’re done with work you can teleport straight home and avoid the shitty commute. You could travel anywhere in the world instantly and avoid paying excessive airline fees. Seems like there are a lot of perks to teleporting until you realize the truth. When you teleport you’re rearranging atoms and molecules to recreate your own in a different place. You’re basically cloning yourself into a new location and destroying your original self in the process. The clone looks just like you, has all your memories and personality traits, and thinks that it is you. But it’s not you. It’s an imposter. You killed yourself when you teleported. Suicide shouldn’t be a viable form of transportation.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 5, 2014 · 1:30 pm

A Good Wake Up Call

I had a cyst removed from my cheek about a week ago. It was about the size of a marble, which doesn’t sound very impressive until you realize that it came from my face. They cut it out, put it in a jar, and sent it out for a biopsy to make sure that it wasn’t cancerous. I wasn’t too worried about it, but it was on the back of my mind for a few long days. Well, I woke up this morning to my phone ringing from a number that I didn’t recognize. I groggily answered it. A woman’s cheery voice informed me that they got the test results back and they were negative. My cyst was just a cyst and nothing more. I thanked her, hung up, and smiled. That was a pretty damn good wake up call. The best way to wake up is to find out that you don’t have cancer. Not all days start off with great news like that. I’ll take it.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2014 · 10:32 pm

Bus Stop Fidgeter

You’re on the bus or train going home during rush hour and every seat is filled. All you can do is stand in the aisle and wait for somebody to get up, get off, and vacate their seat so that you can claim it. You’re aware of every movement that everyone makes. You notice that there’s one guy sitting down who grabs his suitcase and clasps his jacket shut at each stop. He looks like he’s about to get off but he never does. He’s a bus stop fidgeter, and he’s a terrible passenger because he doesn’t know that he sucks at riding the bus. When you’re on public transportation every movement you make has to have a purpose. You have to indicate to the other passengers what your intentions are. If you’re getting off soon, you should have overly spastic movements to let other passengers know that you’ll be getting off soon. You should be as still as possible if you’re going to be riding the bus for a while. It’s common sense. But some people just don’t have it. Stop twitching. Be deliberate. Don’t be a bus stop fidgeter.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2014 · 10:31 pm

Slipping On a Banana Peel

Watch any old funny movie or comedic TV show and it’s practically guaranteed that somebody will end up slipping on a banana peel and fall on their ass. It’s one of the oldest gags in the book. It’s comical. It’s unlikely. But it does happen in real life. I’ve personally witnessed it. I saw a girl slip on a discarded banana peel that was left on the sidewalk. She fell down and she fell down hard. It was hysterically gratifying. You don’t think that it happens but it does. Slipping on a banana peel is an actual possibility. Be aware. You don’t want to die of losing traction from the remnants of a fruit. That would be a terrible way to go out and would be a terrible addition to your tombstone inscription. Nobody can feel bad for you because they’d be laughing too hard.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2014 · 9:57 am

Tupac vs. Biggie

There are certain things that you should never discuss in a bar. You should never talk about religion. You should never talk about politics. And you should never talk about Tupac vs. Biggie. The ongoing debate about the best rapper of all time always comes down to Tupac vs. Biggie. They both used their talents to become hugely successful and influential, and their initial friendship soured and they became enemies as the East Coast and West Coast went to war. Both men were gunned down in their prime, victims of a war they perpetrated in an effort to gain more sales. It’s tough to say who left a deeper impression on rap. Tupac was a writer and Biggie would flow. Tupac was more versatile and prolific, recording more songs and albums, and acting in films. Biggie did more with less. He only had two solo albums, and one of those was released after he died. And he’s still constantly brought up when we talk about the best rapper of all time. The fact that he’s even compared to Tupac with such a short body of work just proves his greatness. He was a better storyteller with a smoother flow. We will never reach an agreement as to who was better. The debate will go on forever. It’s still a shame that we lost them both before they even turned twenty-five. Their legacies live on, forever intertwined. But seriously, don’t talk about Tupac or Biggie while drunk because fists will fly and friendships will end.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2014 · 9:55 am

PEZ

PEZ is a brand of Austrian candy, famous for its trademarked dispenser. The dispenser was originally designed to mimic a cigarette lighter, but it’s transitioned over time to become more of a toy or a collectible. You’ll find all kinds of PEZ dispensers with characters from all sorts of movie, TV, and cartoon franchises. They even have dispensers of historical figures, sports teams, and rock bands. The candy itself is pretty meh, but it tastes better coming from a PEZ head. Popular PEZ flavors include Cherry, Grape, Raspberry-Lemon, Chocolate, Peppermint, etc. You take the candy out of the wrapper and load it into the dispenser. Then you lift up the head, a piece will pop out, and you pop that piece into your mouth. It’s more fun to dispense PEZ than to eat PEZ. Everyone has had a PEZ dispenser at some point in their life. You get them as stocking stuffers or in a gift bag from your friend’s tenth birthday party. If you’ve never had one before, I suggest that you get your ass down to the local 7-Eleven and pick up a Hello Kitty one today. You’ll see what all the fuss is about and you’ll thank me for opening your eyes.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 2, 2014 · 12:26 pm

Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly

Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly is an hour-long HBO comedy special starring Dave Chappelle and features some of his best material. This is the special that put him on the map. True, you saw him in Half Baked and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, but this was the first time you saw his true genius and realized that he was a masterful storyteller. He talks about everything, including drugs, sex, rolling down windows on old limousines, and Sesame Street.

I remember watching it for the first time in high school and I went nuts for it. I illegally downloaded the video and the MP3 and I listened to it constantly. My friends and I could quote the whole thing from beginning to end. Hell, we still quote it. And I’ve made a lot of new friends that quote it too. It’s a part of our culture, a part of our past. It’s my generation’s Eddie Murphy Delirious or Raw. It had real significance and it lead to his further success with Chappelle’s Show. And even though Chappelle’s show only lasted two real seasons, it still solidified Dave Chappelle’s place amongst the comedic greats. Chappelle is a genius. You only need to watch five minutes of Killin’ Them Softly to find out why.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 2, 2014 · 12:23 pm

Oz Season 3

HBO’s acclaimed prison drama returned for its third season on July 14th, 1999 and there are a few changes afoot. For starters, the name of the prison is changed to Oswald State Correctional Facility Level 4. Glynn is still the warden, McManus is still the unit manager of Emerald City, and most of the other Correctional Officers, prison staff, and main prisoners are still around. There are a few new additions to the cast, most notably Seth Gilliam as Clayton Hughes, Kristin Rohde as Claire Howell, and Phillip Casnoff as Nikolai Stanislofsky. Hughes and Howell are new Correctional Officers. Hughes father was also a CO at Oz and he died in the line of duty. Hughes makes it his mission to find out who did it and why. Howell is feisty, manipulative, and develops a dangerous crush on McManus. Stanislofsky is a Russian contract killer who purposely got incarcerated to pull off a hit.

There are a few major storylines that unite the 8-episode season. The first involves a boxing tournament between the different factions in Emerald City. The tournament stretches throughout most of the season and sets up a lot of drama and tension amongst the prisoners. Tobias Beecher and Vernon Schillinger continue to hate each other and scheme to break the other. Beecher gets the advantage when Schillinger’s vulnerable son gets incarcerated in Oz. Muslim leader Kareem Saïd starts to lose his power and loses control of the Muslims, effectively isolating himself in a place where you don’t want to be alone. Adebisi seems to go crazy for a while, but then he goes back to being a badass after a few episodes. Miguel Alvarez remains an intriguing character.

There are simply too many characters and plot points to cover, so I’ll be lazy and not talk about them. I’ll just say that Oz is an awesome show and leave it at that. You should watch it. Especially since I’m watching it for the first time and I have nobody to talk about it with. That’s the worst part about watching a show that’s been out for so long. There’s nobody to geek out with. Nobody cares anymore, and it’s frustrating because they should.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 1, 2014 · 5:32 pm

Hot Iced Tea

I have two little sisters who created their own drink when they were growing up. My family was the type of family that always had a pitcher of iced tea in the refrigerator. My sisters would pour a glass of iced tea and stick it in the microwave for a few minutes. They called it Hot Iced Tea. Not tea. Hot Iced Tea. And technically they were correct because it was a powdered iced tea mix that we got from Costco. It wasn’t regular tea that was iced and than reheated. It was an iced tea formula that was heated up. And so it was that my sisters created Hot Iced Tea, a delicious oxymoron that they’ve probably forgotten about. I’ll remind them about it the next time I see them. Maybe they can bring it back and start a new beverage trend.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 1, 2014 · 5:31 pm

Spilling a Drink on Somebody

If you spend enough time in bars, eventually you’ll end up spilling a drink on somebody. That’s a big deal. It’s enough to start a fight. It’s enough to make Aaron Hernandez come after you. The most important thing about spilling a drink on somebody is how you react to it. Your reaction is key. If you spill a drink and are instantly remorseful, you are more likely to be forgiven. If you spill a drink and are casual about it, be prepared to offer to buy them a drink to make things right. If you spill a drink and laugh about it, shit has the potential to go down. It’s no use crying over spilled milk, but spilled booze gets people all worked up. If you spill a drink on somebody, you better own up to it. You should apologize and mean it, help them get cleaned up, and then buy them another drink. Try not to spill that one on them.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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