Monthly Archives: March 2014

March 14, 2014 · 8:38 am

Deciding Who’s It

You’re ten years old and you’re about to play a game of Tag or Kick the Can and it’s time to decide who is going to be it. It always sucks being It, but somebody has to be It. Deciding who’s It is always tricky, so you have to be fair about it. I always resorted to Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe or Fart in the Barnyard to determine the outcome. Everyone puts a fist in a circle (maybe two fists to mix it up) and somebody says “Fart in the barnyard/ Pey-yew/ Who did it come from?/ From you.” On each syllable the speaker taps a fist and rotates around the circle. Whoever is the last fist touched is either It or is eliminated from being It. It’s more fun to have an elimination process to determine who’s It. Anticipation makes everything better. Once you decide who’s It, you can finally play the game.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 14, 2014 · 8:33 am

Salvation (beer)

Salvation is a Belgian Strong Pale Ale from Colorado’s Avery Brewing Company. Colorado’s getting a lot of attention for their legalized marijuana right now, so people forget that it’s also a mecca for microbreweries. Some truly amazing craft beers come from the Centennial State (I thought Colorado had a cooler nickname than that). Anyway, I saw a bottle of Salvation at the liquor store and I had to try it. It pours a golden amber color with a thick white head that dissolves into a thin layer. It has a sweet, fruity aroma with apricot, peach, banana, cloves, nutmeg, citrus, malt, and spice. The various spice and fruit flavors carry over into the flavor of the beer. It’s kind of spicy with a bready malt backbone. You can taste hints of apricot, peach, banana, nutmeg, pepper, clove, and hops. It has an ABV of 9%, but it’s smooth, rich, and very drinkable. I would suggest it as an after dinner beer. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but it seems to get better with each sip. And that girl seems to be getting hotter too. Hmmmm. Maybe it is the alcohol talking, but I would get this beer again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 13, 2014 · 12:34 pm

There Are No LEGOs

I bet you a hundred dollars that you never played with LEGOs as a kid. I bet you never even had a box of LEGOs. And I know for a fact that you never had LEGOs because LEGOs don’t exist. Don’t get me wrong; there is a popular line of construction toys called LEGO. But the LEGO company doesn’t want people to use the wrong form of pluralization. In their own words: “Dear Parents and Children, The word LEGO® is a brand name and is very special to all of us in the LEGO Group Companies. We would sincerely like your help in keeping it special. Please always refer to our bricks as ‘LEGO Bricks or Toys’ and not ‘LEGOS.’ By doing so, you will be helping to protect and preserve a brand of which we are very proud and that stands for quality the world over. Thank you!” So yeah, looks like you owe me a hundred dollars. You’re lucky we didn’t shake on it. I’ll let it slide this time, but next time I’m taking out your knee.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 13, 2014 · 12:31 pm

Lagunitas Imperial Stout

Lagunitas Imperial Stout is a Russian Imperial Stout from Northern California’s Lagunitas Brewing Co. It’s a great craft brew. It pours out a dark brown, almost black, with a thick foamy tan head. The smell is of toasted malts with a little chocolate, caramel, coffee, and maybe some smoke. The flavor is mostly roasted malt with chocolate, caramel, char, smoke, coffee, and bitter hops. It goes down smooth and creamy. You can hardly taste any alcohol, despite the high 9.9% ABV. It’s a very solid, well-rounded stout and any beer aficionado should give it a try. It also gets bonus points for saying that life can be a real “suka” on the label. If you’re going to learn any Russian words, “suka” is a great one to start with. Spoiler alert: it means bitch.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 12, 2014 · 12:31 pm

Sorry For Your Lost

My friend’s grandmother passed away recently, and she posted a Facebook status about missing her grandma. The first four people to respond wrote “Sorry for your lost.” I almost threw my laptop out of the window in rage. I wanted to slap those ignorant motherfuckers… it’s “Sorry for your loss” not “sorry for your lost.” Loss and Lost are two entirely different words. You can’t just make up your own expressions or ruin preexisting ones. I know that somebody died and that I shouldn’t be correcting the grammar of strangers, but those idiots are killing the English language. If you died and your tombstone read Rest in Peas, you would probably be pretty fucking pissed off if you weren’t so dead. People aren’t immortal, but words can be. And using the wrong words to honor the deceased is insulting on so many levels. They used to say that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Fuck that, I’m through being nice. If you don’t have anything right to say, don’t write anything at all.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 12, 2014 · 12:28 pm

Tango Orange

Tango is a European soda brand, and Tango Orange is their flagship soda. They have other soda flavors like Apple, Cherry, and Citrus, but Orange is the original flavor. I got a can of it at the store near my house that sells random food items from around the world. They have an abundance of British sodas for some reason. It pours a cloudy yellow orange color with a foamy head that quickly dissipates. It doesn’t have much of a scent, but I would describe it as fizzy water with a little bit of Tang. The taste is like a muted Sunkist. It’s lighter and more refreshing. There’s a little bit of an aftertaste, but you get used to it fairly quickly. I’m not a big fan of orange sodas, but this is probably the best one I’ve had. Too bad orange sodas suck. Sorry Kel.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 11, 2014 · 12:13 pm

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is a 2006 comedy from Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and Judd Apatow, three of the biggest names in comedy right now. Judd Apatow produced it, Adam McKay co-wrote it and directed it, and Will Ferrell co-wrote it and stars as Ricky Bobby, a NASCAR driver who just wants to go fast. It’s your typical Will Ferrell flick, he plays a loud, ignorant manchild with delusions of grandeur. The problem begins with his absentee father (played by Gary Cole) telling a young Ricky that “if you’re not first, you’re last.” That gets stuck in his head and becomes his whole philosophy about life.

Ricky’s life seems to be going great. He’s the fastest driver in NASCAR, he has a loyal best friend (played by John C. Reilly) who is willing to take second place so that Ricky can always win, and he has a sexy wife and two kids. His is rocked by the arrival of a new racer, a flamboyant Frenchman (played by Sacha Baron Cohen) who has dominated Formula One racing. Suddenly Ricky is not number one anymore and he loses his competitive edge. His wife leaves him for his best friend. His whole life starts to fall apart.

Ricky must learn how to become Ricky Bobby again. He gets some advice and help from his estranged father and his former assistant. Gradually he regains his confidence and it culminates in a climactic showdown on the racetrack. I don’t want to give the ending away, but it’s pretty satisfying. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby isn’t the best Will Ferrell movie, but it’s probably in the top ten. It’s funny and quotable, but it’s already more dated than Anchorman and Step Brothers. I could watch Anchorman once a week and not get sick of it. I have to wait a few years before I can watch Talladega Nights again. There is also a lot of product placement in this movie. They try to make it obvious to make you think that they are making fun of it, but product placement is still product placement. At some point it stops being a Will Ferrell movie and becomes an extended commercial for Applebee’s and Mountain Dew.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 11, 2014 · 12:10 pm

Ben & Jerry’s That’s My Jam Core

Ben & Jerry’s recently released their line of Core ice creams, which are ice creams with an inner core of fudge, caramel, or jam. This way you always get the perfect spoonful of ice cream. That’s My Jam is chocolate and raspberry ice creams with fudge chips and a raspberry jam core. It tastes even better than it sounds. The chocolate ice cream is rich and creamy. The raspberry ice cream is sweet and smooth. The fudge chips give it a little texture and gives you an extra chocolatey kick in the mouth. The jam is soft, sticky, slightly sour, and it spreads easily to get the perfect swirl on your spoon. I generally prefer fruit flavors over chocolate, but this is a perfect medley of the two. This is a great ice cream and an amazing treat. Ben & Jerry’s Core lineup is the greatest innovation in ice cream technology since the invention of Dippin’ Dots.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 10, 2014 · 10:03 am

Mogley

I know a girl that has a dog named Mogley. I asked her why she named him Mogley. She said he was named after the character in The Jungle Book. The character’s name is spelled Mowgli, so I asked her why she didn’t name him Mowgli. She told me to shut up and go to Hell. Maybe I was rude, but spelling mistakes bug the shit out me, especially when it comes to names. Names are important. You shouldn’t give anyone or anything a name that you can’t spell correctly, especially if that name comes from a beloved classic. She could have spent thirty seconds looking up the correct spelling online, but instead she butchered it and Mogley’s suffered ever since. It’s kind of sad that the first thing she did when she got her dog was to make a mistake that she never bothered to correct. Poor Mogley. Poor Rudyard Kipling. And poor English skills.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 10, 2014 · 10:01 am

Old Lady On a Scooter

I was skating on a sidewalk downtown and passed by an apartment complex with an underground parking garage. As I was skating by, I heard a buzz and saw a sign light up to warn pedestrians that there was a car coming. But there was no car coming. It was an old lady on a scooter coming out of the garage. She pulled up to the sidewalk, looked both ways, and then started driving down the street in the bike lane. It was obvious that she did all the time, that it was her normal route and routine. She looked like a badass. It’s her city and she does what she wants. I don’t know her name, but I know that she means business. Roll on, scooter lady, roll on.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 9, 2014 · 12:31 pm

Walk the Line (film)

Walk the Line is a 2005 biopic about Johnny Cash. Joaquin Phoenix plays Johnny Cash, Reese Witherspoon plays June Carter, and James Mangold directs the film. The film follows the generic Hollywood biopic formula. It starts with the tragic childhood event that changes Johnny’s life forever, then on his early formative years as he hones his talent and finds his persona, then his breakout moment and how he adjusts to his celebrity, then the dark years, then the recovery and ultimate redemption, and then the movie ends on a happy note just before the credits roll. I remember liking this movie a lot when it was in theaters. Everybody was talking about it for weeks and weeks before I finally caved in and bought a ticket, watched it, and loved it. I bought two Johnny Cash albums on the way home. I knew who Cash was before the movie, but I didn’t really discover him until I saw it. This movie introduced me to Cash and I’ll be forever grateful for that, but I’ve realized with the passage of time that it’s a very flawed movie.

Joaquin Phoenix does a more than adequate job as Johnny Cash. He got all his mannerisms down pat, he even did his own singing. But I don’t want to hear Joaquin Phoenix singing. I want to hear Johnny Cash. Cash has a very distinct voice and Phoenix does not. If I’m watching a movie about Johnny Cash, I want to hear Johnny Cash, not karaoke covers. And Reese Witherspoon might be able to hit all the same notes as June Carter, but she sounds nothing like her at all. It’s kind of insulting to make a film about musicians and change the music.

The movie also insults the legend by completely ignoring half of his life. The movie ends with his engagement to June Carter. That was in 1968. Cash died in 2003 at the age of 71. That’s thirty-five years that they completely gloss over. What’s the point of making a movie about somebody’s life if you skip half of it? You could make a whole other movie about the stuff that they left out. They could make a fucking sequel. In fact, they should. Can we start crowdfunding Walk the Line II: Still Walking already?

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 9, 2014 · 12:28 pm

Sleepover

A sleepover is when a person goes to another person’s house and stays for the night. If you have two or more people spending the night, the sleepover gets upgraded to a slumber party. Sleepovers are popular with kids, teens, and young adults. I remember my first sleepover. Well, it was an attempted sleepover. I got scared and ran home. Luckily I was at my neighbor’s house across the street so I didn’t have to run far. I don’t remember what I was scared of, but I was a bed-wetter at the time so it was probably a good thing that I ran away. I could have ended up with a terrible nickname for the rest of my life. Planned sleepovers are fun because you have something to look forward to. But spontaneous sleepovers are more fun. Especially if it’s a sexy time sleepover (also known as a one night stand). I had two spontaneous sleepovers this week alone. Too bad they weren’t sexy time sleepovers, they just consisted of drunk friends crashing at my pad after the bars closed. Loud drunk friends, so I apologize to my downstairs neighbors.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 8, 2014 · 10:00 am

Chasing Your Straw

You’re at the bar sipping on your Long Island Iced Tea and flirting with the girl next to you. You’re being funny, you’re being smart, and things are going well. Then you try to take a sip of your drink without breaking eye contact, but your straw refuses to cooperate and keeps moving around your glass. You look like a horse with peanut butter on the roof of its mouth. So you’re not too surprised when the girl rolls her eyes at you and goes off to find her friends. At least you still have your drink. Your dignity, not so much. There’s no way to look cool when you’re chasing your straw. Avoid the embarrassment and ditch the straw.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 8, 2014 · 9:59 am

Lagunitas DayTime Ale

DayTime Ale is an IPA from Petaluma, California’s Lagunitas Brewing Co. It’s a fractional IPA, meaning it has a lower alcohol content, but it still looks, smells, and tastes like a regular IPA. It’s only 4.65% alcohol, which is less than Budweiser. It pours a golden yellow color with a thick and foamy white head. It has a citrusy hop aroma with herbs, grass, and pine. It tastes hoppy, but it’s a lighter hop than your standard IPA. I get hints of grass, pine, grapefruit, and a little sweetness. I wouldn’t classify it as bitter. It’s like a slightly watered down IPA. I like it, it’s refreshing, crisp, and a good day drinking beer. It’s also a good introductory craft beer. It won’t overwhelm you, but you still get more flavor than most domestics.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2014 · 8:41 am

Hold On, Let Me Show You a Picture

You’re hanging out with some friends or spending some time with family, just enjoying yourselves and catching up. Somebody asks you about the recent vacation that you took, and you start to describe the culture, the sights, and the things you did. And then you remember that you have a dozen pictures on your smartphone, so you bust it out and say, “Hold on, let me show you a picture.” You then spend the next few minutes scrolling through your thousands of pictures looking for the right ones, while everyone else pretends to care as their interest wanes. By the time you finally find the pictures of your vacation, the conversation has already moved on and nobody cares. They might glance at your pictures to be polite, but you’ve already killed the mood. Conversations are supposed to flow and transition. Trying to find a picture on your phone doesn’t let the conversation progress. A picture should start a discussion, not end it. You’re a great photographer though.

            Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2014 · 8:39 am

Pouring a Soda On a Seat

            I live in San Francisco and I see something crazy every time I leave the house. The other day I was on the train heading to work and I saw a thuggish-looking guy on the row of seats across from where I was sitting. He was eating some fast food and sipping on a soda. I’m guessing he didn’t like his soda choice too much, because I saw him take off the lid and dump the entire soda onto the seat next to him. I couldn’t help but glance at the guy. He saw me look at him. He flicked his straw at me and it landed near my feet. He smirked at me, I went back to looking at my phone, and then he got up and hopped off the bus at the next stop. I can only assume that he was trying to frame me for the mess he made. I’ve seen a lot of crazy people doing crazy things, but pouring a soda on a seat was a new one. I don’t know why he did it. There doesn’t seem to be any logical reason for it. He could have thrown the soda into the trash. He could have poured it on the ground. Instead he poured it onto a seat. There’s no method to his mayhem.

            Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 6, 2014 · 12:13 pm

The Duck Hunt Dog

Duck Hunt was a launch title for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. It was one half of a joint cartridge that also included Super Mario Bros. Mario went on to fame and glory, but Duck Hunt didn’t leave the lasting impression that Mario did. And I blame the Duck Hunt Dog for that. The Duck Hunt Dog was the closest thing that Duck Hunt had to a mascot. He was the only character that appeared on screen (other than the ducks). He was a great concept on paper – a cute and cuddly animal with a sense of humor… he provokes the ducks, he retrieves the ducks, and he laughs at you when you miss the ducks. Seriously. He’s one of the few video game characters that breaks the fourth wall, and he only does it to make fun of you. He looks directly at you and he laughs at your failures. He mocks you. And you have to sit there and take it. You play video games to escape reality and feel better about yourself, but the Duck Hunt Dog only exists to make you feel bad. Duck Hunt would be a much better game if you could shoot that motherfucker. I’m not bitter. I just hate him so much.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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