Monthly Archives: March 2014

March 23, 2014 · 12:20 pm

Free Fallin’

I’m a big Tom Petty fan. I have most of his albums, I’ve seen him in concert a few times, and I even have a couple of his DVDs. “Free Fallin’” is one of his best songs. It’s the one Tom Petty song that everybody knows even if they aren’t Tom Petty fans. It’s classic Petty. It has a simple, uplifting melody with poetic lyrics that makes it timeless and accessible to everyone. But I can’t stand to listen to it anymore. It’s too overplayed. It’s always on the radio. It’s been covered by dozens of other artists. It’s been in a bunch of movies and TV shows. And it’s the song that everybody plays for me because it’s the only one of his songs that they have on their iPod. It’s a great song but hearing it all the time makes you hate it. Hearing any song on repeat will eventually drive you crazy and you’ll end up trying to puncture your eardrums with a Q-tip. Tom Petty has been active for over forty years. He has more than one great song. I wish people would play his other ones more often.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2014 · 10:03 am

San Andreas Malt Club

I like craft beers. My friends like craft beers. And we enjoy talking about the cool craft beers that we’ve found and tasted. One of my friend (let’s call him Joey) likes craft beers and discussing craft beers so much that he decided to start a craft beer club. The basic idea behind it was that a few of us would meet up once a month to share and drink some microbrews. We would sip a couple of beers to compare, talk about, and rate. It’s a way to get drunk and not feel like an alcoholic. We had our first meeting the other night. We all bought and brought some 22-ounce bottles and most of them were IPAs. We learned that we need to communicate some more, but it was a pretty awesome first meeting for the group. We came up with a pretty satisfactory name… we call ourselves the San Andreas Malt Club, and our slogan is that you can “Hop On It.” I like the name. It’s a pun about California and beer, and our slogan is another pun about beer. It seems to work for a beer club with people from California. It was a pretty awesome first meeting. I recommend that you start your own beer club. Just remember that the San Andreas Malt Club is already taken.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2014 · 10:01 am

Save The Date

A few months ago two of my close friends got engaged. That was exciting. That was awesome. It made for a lot of gossip and talk and speculation. And then they sent out the Save The Date invitations to their wedding a few weeks ago. That was when shit got real. That was when it became official. I knew that they were way past the turning point when I got that letter in my mailbox. And I could not be more proud of the two of them. I want to be present when they dedicate their lives to each other. I want to be there when they say their vows, when they have their first kiss as a married couple, and when they have their reception with an open bar. There’s going to be an open bar, right? Congratulations C. Congratulations K. I went in alphabetical order just to be fair, I love you both the same.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 21, 2014 · 9:29 am

Scooter Wiley

One of the best ways to get psyched up for baseball season is to start playing baseball video games, and the best baseball video game out right now is MLB The Show. I don’t have the newest one, but my roommate has last season’s so I had to settle for playing that. I decided to create my own character, a shortstop with dreams of making it to the big leagues. Choosing his position and deciding on his physical attributes was easy, but coming up with his name was a challenge. His first name had to a casual and fun nickname. His last name had to be two simple syllables. I tossed around a few potential names before deciding to call him Scooter Wiley. Scooter Wiley seems like the ultimate baseball name, up there with Buster Posey and Homer Bailey. Scooter Wiley seems believable. If I told you that the Chicago Cubs drafted an unknown prospect named Scooter Wiley, you wouldn’t doubt it for a second. In fact, I’m surprised that there’s not already a minor leaguer out there with that moniker. Or maybe there is and he sucks so much that he’s not even Googleable.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 21, 2014 · 9:26 am

Googleable

Googleable is a perfectly valid word that has yet to become approved and officially a part of the English language. It’s a word that relates to how effectively you can search for something on Google. For instance, asking what Googleable means is Googleable, but the meaning of life is not Googleable because nobody knows the meaning of life (and even if they did, they wouldn’t put in on Google, you have to find the meaning of life for yourself). CriticallyRated.com is Googleable, but you might have to search for a while before you find it. I don’t get how d’oh is in the real dictionary and how Googleable is only in the Urban Dictionary, but I don’t make the dictionary; I just use it to correct other people’s spelling. The only way to make Googleable an official word is to have everyone start using it. Together we can change the dictionary and change the world.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 20, 2014 · 11:42 am

Sports Parade

A parade is a when a town or city shuts down a few blocks so that important people can wave to non-important people. A sports parade is when a team wins the championship game and all the fans can come out and cheer for their team one more time before the next season starts. A sports parade is a way of giving back to the fans. Professional sports don’t work without fans. The winning team gets a trophy. All the players, coaches, owners, and various staff members get a ring. The fans just get a parade. It’s kind of bullshit. But it’s still fun. It’s one last chance to revel in the ultimate victory. I’ve been to two sports parades in my life, both for the San Francisco Giants. I went in 2010 and in 2012, and I’m planning to go again in 2014. Normal parades are for kids and families. They aren’t fun and they aren’t exciting once you reach a certain age. But sports parades are fun for all ages, so long as you’re invested in the team that it’s for. Sports bring together people from all walks of life. And sports parades cram all those people together on a few city streets so you can see how much impact a team has on the region. There’s a sense of community, of camaraderie that only sports can provide.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 20, 2014 · 11:39 am

Victoria’s Kitchen Almond Water Original

So apparently almondade is a drink, and Victoria’s Kitchen makes the original almondade. I had never heard of it before, so I was intrigued when I saw a bottle of Victoria’s Kitchen Almond Water Original. It’s all natural, vegan, and is dairy/gluten/GMO free. And it still manages to taste good. It’s almond water with vanilla and rose extracts, which sounds kind of weird but the flavors go together and mesh well. It has a slightly sweet and nutty taste from the almonds, and the vanilla makes it creamy and smooth, while the rose extract gives it a subtle floral boost. I can’t really describe the flavor. It’s like drinking the milk from a bowl of healthy cereal, but watered down. You have to try it for yourself. I think Victoria’s Kitchen Almond Water will be the next trendy drink for all the wannabe hipsters out there. Try it before it goes mainstream.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 19, 2014 · 11:53 am

Poultry Day

March 19th is Poultry Day, a day to celebrate poultries. A poultry is a type of bird that humans domesticated for their eggs, feathers, or meat. This includes chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese, quails, and a bunch of other ones I’m too lazy to list. I don’t know how to celebrate Poultry Day. Am I supposed to help a chicken cross the road? Am I supposed to find a pond and feed the ducks? Am I supposed to cook a turkey dinner? Should I dress up like Quailman? Or salute Colonel Sanders? These are the things that nobody tells you about Poultry Day. I know lots of things about poultry (like chicken farts smell fowl), but I don’t know anything about Poultry Day customs or traditions. And that’s a shame because this seems like a really important holiday.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 19, 2014 · 11:51 am

Cheez-It Hot & Spicy

Cheez-It is a brand of snack crackers made with real cheese, and Cheez-It Hot & Spicy is a hot and spicy version of them. It’s made with Tabasco, but it’s the green Tabasco, not the normal red one. You know, the red one that everybody prefers. They still taste good, but it’s disappointing because you know that they could have tasted better. They are salty, cheesy, and they have a little jalapeno kick. They are spicy, but they aren’t really spicy. I would say they are on the mild side of medium. I could eat a bag of them, but buying a box would be a waste. Whatever, it’s good to see that Tabasco is still around in this Sriracha-dominated society. Don’t get me wrong, Sriracha is the shit but Tabasco is an originator. You might get a little cracker residue on your hands, but they aren’t really greasy. It’s a satisfying snack and it cures the munchies. I’m happy.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 18, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Craziest Poker Flop

I was hanging out with some friends during spring break a few years ago. There’s not much to do in my hometown, so we spent a Saturday night playing Texas Hold’em in my friend’s garage. It was a typical game with good plays and bad beats, but nothing memorable happened until I dealt out the craziest poker flop the world has ever known. It started out innocently enough. I dealt out two cards to everyone, bets were made, I burned a card and then flipped over three cards to reveal the flop: 6 of Hearts, 6 of Spades, and 6 of Clubs. 666. We kind of looked at each other because it’s not too often that the Number of the beast comes up in a flop. Then we heard a train whistle coming from my friend’s train-themed clock on the wall. It was midnight. My friend joked that it was also a full moon outside. There wasn’t a full moon, but I realized that it was now Easter Sunday. It seemed like a bad omen. Luckily the world didn’t end that day. I don’t remember how that hand ended and I don’t remember who won the game, but I’ll never forget that uneasy feeling in my stomach. I might have pooped a little bit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 18, 2014 · 12:57 pm

Coca-Cola Vanilla

Coca-Cola Vanilla is exactly what it sounds like. It’s Coca-Cola with Vanilla flavor added to it. Coca-Cola already has a little vanilla in it to begin with, so adding more really compliments the soda. It makes the world’s best soda more creamy and smooth. People have been adding vanilla to Coke in ice cream shops and soda parlors for decades, so it was just a matter of time before it would become mass-produced. And in 2002, Vanilla Coke was introduced to the world as a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company. It was a big success when it was released, mostly because of the huge advertising and marketing campaign to promote it. But sales dwindled over the next few years and they eventually replaced it with Black Cherry Vanilla Coke in 2006. The allure of Vanilla Coke could not be denied however, and it was brought back in 2007 and rebranded as Coca-Cola Vanilla. I don’t know why they had to change the name. Vanilla Coke is easier to say and sounds more casual and cool. Coca-Cola Vanilla is a bit of a tongue twister and makes you sound pompous and old fashioned. I didn’t order a Vanilla Coke. I ordered a Coca-Cola Vanilla, you imbecile! All in all, Coca-Cola Vanilla is a good twist on an already great soda. I don’t know if I like it better than Cherry Coke/Coca-Cola Cherry/Whatever they call it now, but I’ll grab it from time to time just to mix it up, and I’m never dissatisfied with my purchase.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2014 · 9:58 am

Saint Patrick’s Day

March 17th is Saint Patrick’s Day, or St. Paddy’s for short. It once was a holiday that commemorates the death date of the patron saint of Ireland, but now it’s a drinking holiday like Cinco de Mayo. Saint Patrick’s Day has a lot of traditions for a pseudo-holiday. It has an official meal: corn beef and hash. It has a seasonal plant associated with it: shamrocks. It has an official candy: chocolate gold coins. It has a religious background that gradually became commercialized and forgotten. On St. Paddy’s Day everybody pretends to be Irish, and for some reason that involves consuming copious amounts of Guinness, Jameson, and Car Bombs, and making up some bullshit about Leprechauns to distract little kids from all the drinking that’s going on. The most important thing to remember about St. Patrick’s Day is to wear green. If you don’t, people will pinch you. I will pinch you. You can’t lie and say that you’re wearing green underwear. Everybody knows you don’t wear any underwear. So sport some green, drink some stout, and have some fun. Just because it’s a fake holiday doesn’t meant you can’t enjoy it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2014 · 9:55 am

Ice Cream Man

I was lucky enough to grow up in the suburbs in the days when kids still played outside.  There were a dozen other kids on my block around my age and we spent our summers outside riding bikes, playing games, and generally wreaking havoc. But we would drop whatever we were doing whenever the Ice Cream Man rolled around. We would be in the middle of an intense street hockey battle when somebody would suddenly hear a few bars of Do Your Ears Hang Low? and shout out, “ICE CREAM MAN!!!” The game would stop as everyone dropped their sticks and scattered back to their houses to scrape together enough quarters to buy a Choco Taco. Oh, the Ice Cream Man. I thought he had the best job in the world. He gets to drive around and eat ice cream all day. He was my hero, he was my idol, he was my savior on those unbearably hot August days. The Ice Cream Man seems to be a dying profession. For some reason there’s something about a 40-year-old guy in a van driving around giving treats to little kids that makes people suspicious.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 16, 2014 · 12:07 pm

Talking Into a Microphone

Talking into a microphone is always slightly awkward. Most people are hesitant to speak in public and an electrically amplified voice that demands attention is terrifying to the intimidated. Any stutter or vocal tic is painfully obvious. You need to be clear and precise with your words, you need to enunciate, and that makes you more stressed and susceptible to making a mistake. And it doesn’t help that your voice sounds like it’s coming out of the speakers before you even say anything. It’s easier to sing into a microphone than it is to make a speech. Anyone can do karaoke if they have enough drinks in them, but delivering a wedding speech is way more intense for some reason. It’s all psychological, it’s all in your head. But you still don’t want to talk into a microphone.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 16, 2014 · 12:04 pm

Wookey Jack (beer)

Wookey Jack is a craft beer from California’s Firestone Walker Brewing Co. I decided to try it because I’m a nerd and the name reminds me of Star Wars. The label says it’s a Black Rye IPA but Beeradvocate.com says it’s an American Black Ale. They need to make up their minds. It pours a dark brown, almost black, with a thick tan head that lingers for a while. It has an intriguing aroma. I get citrus hops, roasted malt, rye, spice, and maybe a little chocolate. The flavor profile is a good balance between hops and malt, and spicy rye. I also taste bitter chocolate and a hint of smoke. It has an 8.3% alcohol content, so your head will be buzzing pleasantly after a couple of sips. This is a very satisfying beer with lots of flavor and personality. I suggest that you try it. But I won’t take it personally if you don’t.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 15, 2014 · 8:44 am

Leave Them Hanging

I went to work today and my coworker made some snide comment about me before he even said hello. Then he tried to play it off as a joke and he went in for a fist bump to show that we were cool to everybody else in the room. And I left him hanging. I refused to bump his fist. He tried to bump fists a few times, but I would have none of it. He actually asked me for a bump. He begged me for a bump. I responded by flipping him off. Everybody else laughed at him. I regained the upper hand. You can do the same thing. All you have to do to get control of a situation is to leave them hanging. This is an important life lesson that you can use everyday. You can apply it to relationships, friendships, and in the workplace. You are in control as long as other people want what you refuse to give them. It’s not about pride. It’s about self-respect.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 15, 2014 · 8:41 am

Adding An “S” To Anything Internet Related

Adding an “S” to anything Internet related makes you seem more naïve and more sophisticated at the same time. Try it. If you can say “I went on Googles and found a video on YouTubes” without sounding like a grandma, I owe you a Coke. You can keep going. “I was on the Wikipedias and found out that all the major Twitters belong to celebrities.” You sound old fashioned while simultaneously informed. I blame the Facebooks. You might be connected but you’re still ignorant. The Internets is an intimidating place. Don’t let it get the best of you. And if this post seems lazy, it’s because it is.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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