Monthly Archives: November 2012

November 5, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Getting a Fork at an Asian Restaurant

You’re hungry and in the mood for some rice and decide to try out that new Chinese place down the street. You get a table, sit down, pour some tea, and glance at the menu. At one point you notice that there isn’t any silverware on the table, just a few pairs of chopsticks. That’s ok because you know how to use chopsticks and want to show off your skills. Your waitress doesn’t think you have what it takes and she brings you a fork. Getting a fork at an Asian restaurant is an insult. It’s insulting for them to bring you one without you asking for one. That means they think you suck and aren’t cultured. It’s also insulting if you ask for a fork. I know that eating with sticks is hard, but you should eat Asian food the Asian way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2012 · 8:51 am

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Luke Skywalker and his friends are back in the conclusion to the original trilogy. Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas wrote the screenplay and Richard Marquand directs. This was the last good Star Wars movie, even though the second half of the film kind of sucks. I blame the Ewoks. It’s pretty obvious they were just included to sell toys and appeal to kids. They are the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy, only without being blatantly racist and overly annoying.

            The film opens with the dramatic rescue of Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt, where Luke must use his Jedi skills to beat the bad guys and save his friends. There are quite a few iconic moments and characters in this part. There’s the Rancor, the Sarlacc, Jabba the Hutt, green pig guards, and Princess Leia in a gold bikini. It’s one of the best sequences in sci-fi cinema. Princess Leia in a gold bikini. Just reflect on that for a moment.

            The Rebel Alliance finds out that the Empire is building a new Death Star and that the Emperor himself is going to oversee the final preparations. The Rebels decide that this is their time to strike. They hatch a plan to destroy the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor, which will allow their star fleet to blow up the Death Star. But they don’t know that it’s a trap. It’s just one part of the Emperor’s plan to convert Luke to the Dark Side of the Force.

While Han, Leia, Chewy and the gay robots are busy playing with teddy bears, Lando is leading the aerial assault on the Empire, and Luke is dealing with his Darth Vader daddy issues. Needless to say, all the conflicts get resolved, most of the loose ends are tied up, and the story ends with our heroes celebrating their victory.

            It’s a pretty satisfying ending to the original trilogy. It’s not as good as A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back, but it’s a million times better than the prequel trilogy. George Lucas keeps on tweaking this movie and now Hayden Christensen is in it at the end. I wish I still had a VCR so I could watch the real movie again.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2012 · 8:41 am

Daylight Saving Time

First things first: it’s daylight saving, not daylight savings. You are saving daylight. People like to stick an “S” on the end of words unnecessarily for some reason. Maybe it makes them feel important. The trick to remembering whether or not to turn the clock forward or backward is easy to remember: Spring forward, Fall back. It works most places except the southern hemisphere. Most clocks change automatically in this futuristic world that we call home, but there’s always some idiot who is oblivious to the time change.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:58 am

Ringtones

I remember those indestructible Nokia phones in the early 2000s. They had a hundred crappy ringtones built in. Now a phone only has a handful of ringtones. It’s almost as if they realized that ringtones are fucking annoying. Some people pay money to have a 30 second song clip as their ringtone. Cool, you have a custom ringtone. I still don’t want to hear it. Nobody else does either. So either turn off your phone or put it on silent. The only acceptable ringtone is vibrate.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:55 am

Checking the Mailbox

I don’t know why I still bother checking the mailbox. I know that there’s no letters or postcards. It’s just bills, coupons and junk mail. There isn’t anything fun unless it’s your birthday week or Christmas time. At least then you can expect cards and checks and well wishes. The only reason to check the mailbox these days is to make sure you don’t have any late fees for ignoring bills.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2012 · 10:02 am

Opening the Cereal Box Upside Down

It’s too early and you’re too tired to make breakfast so you settle for some cereal. You shuffle over to the cabinet and grab the box of cereal you bought the day before. You groggily open it up and pour your flakes into a bowl, add a little milk, and start eating. The next day you wake up too early again, grab the box of cereal and notice that you opened it upside down. It’s not a huge deal but you are stuck with an upside down box of cereal for the next week. You have to tilt your head to read the nutrition facts, you can’t play any of the kid’s games on the back, and you are judged by anyone who sees your upside down box of cereal. They should make cereal boxes like playing cards so it doesn’t matter which end is up. You just have to make sure you don’t open up both ends because you will get cereal all over the floor.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2012 · 9:55 am

Crunching Ice With Your Teeth

You’re reaching the end of your cup of Coke and all that’s preventing you from throwing it away are the seventeen half melted ice cubes with a hint of Coke flavor. You take off the lid and tilt a few cubes into your mouth. You start to crunch and chew and feel oddly satisfied. You proceed to finish off the rest of your ice, pausing only to use your straw to get that last stubborn ice cube from the bottom of the cup. That’s always the best one. Crunching ice with your teeth is a pleasure the dentured can only dream about.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2012 · 10:40 am

A Stupid Girl Brown Bagging It

I’m constantly amazed by the stupidity of people. Earlier today I saw a stupid girl brown bagging it on the bus. I know that she was stupid because she didn’t know how to brown bag it. She would take her forty out of the bag, take a sip, and put it back in the bag. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of brown bagging it. You don’t want people to know that you have booze. That’s why you put it in the brown bag. If you don’t know how to drink it public, you shouldn’t drink in public.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2012 · 10:34 am

Fog

One of the best things about living in San Francisco is watching the fog roll in. A lot of tourists gripe about the fog and complain about how cold it is. They don’t appreciate it. Fog is nature’s air conditioning. San Francisco is perfectly comfortable while the rest of California is suffering from a heat wave. The weather stays pretty consistent all year round. Fog is a basically a big ass cloud. A really foggy day is like living in a cloud. It’s pretty awesome except for the lack of visibility. Who needs to see where they are going though?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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