Monthly Archives: November 2012

November 22, 2012 · 10:10 am

Spider on the Wall

I’m not arachnophobic or anything, but that spider on the wall has got to go. He’s slowly creeping along, acting like he owns the place. This is my room and you are not welcome here. You’re always making spider webs in the ceiling corners and in my closet. I don’t even know how one spider can make so many webs. So fuck you, spider on the wall. I could trap you with a cup and a piece of paper and set you free outside, but I prefer squishing you with a piece of toilet paper and leaving your guts smeared on my wall as a warning to your eight legged brethren.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2012 · 10:53 am

Twinkies

Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2012 · 10:48 am

Rereading a Book

I still read books despite the Internet’s many distractions. And when I finish a good book, I’ll usually reread it as soon as I’m done. I mentioned that to a friend and he looked at me like I’m an alien. He never reread a book in his life. If he read it once, he’s already read it, so what’s the point of reading it again? You read it again because you like the story. You read it again to see character development and to spot clues and themes and symbolism. You watch a movie again if you like it. You listen to a song again if you like it. The more you like something, the more you want to experience it. Rereading a book should be no exception.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2012 · 9:50 am

The Sandman: Fables & Reflections

The sixth volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is a collection of short single-issue stories. Most of them have no bearing on the overall story arc, but a few of them are required reading. It’s an interesting blend of characters. There are werewolves, characters from the Bible and Greek myths, and real historical characters like Marco Polo and Emperor Augustus Caesar. Somehow they all have a place in the Sandman universe.

            Of the nine short stories, only The Song of Orpheus and The Parliament of Rooks affect the overall plot. Orpheus is the son of Morpheus. Currently he’s a severed head. In the Song of Orpheus you find out how he got all decapitated. The Parliament of Rooks involves Daniel Hall, who ends up being very important in the series.

The other stories involving Marco Polo, Lady Johanna Constantine, a family of werewolves, and a Roman emperor with a dark secret are all impressive in their own way, but the highlights of Fables & Reflections are Ramadan and Three Septembers and a January. Ramadan is about Caliph Harun al-Rashid, a real historical ruler of Baghdad. His city is the greatest city the world has ever known and he wants it to be remembered that way. He makes a deal with Morpheus and his perfect city becomes immortalized by becoming a legend.

Three Septembers and a January is one of my favorite Sandman stories. It’s one of my favorite stories period. It involves another actual historical figure: Joshua Abraham Norton. He’s in the history books for being a crazy guy who declared himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. He lived in San Francisco, the only city in the world that was nice enough to say that he could be Emperor if he wanted to be Emperor. Neil Gaiman takes real facts about Emperor Norton’s life and twists them to fit seamlessly into the world of The Sandman.

            Fables & Reflections is a good read. The independent shorts are interesting and relate thematically to the storylines, even though they don’t affect them directly. Three Septembers and a January stands out and is reason enough to start reading the series. I might be slightly biased because I live in San Francisco, but it’s a great story regardless.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2012 · 9:40 am

Hitting Every Green Light

There’s a magical time downtown each night where there are no cars on the road and every single intersection is just for you. You start driving down the street at the perfect speed, each red light dissolving away as you approach. You’re hitting every green light. Your brakes could be cut and it wouldn’t matter because there’s no stopping you. This is what it feels like to be at the center of the universe. Hitting every green light is an urban miracle, proof that the traffic gods do exist.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Dueling Banjos

The next time you’re with a group of people and there’s an awkward silence, you can relieve the tension by slowing singing the first few bars of Dueling Banjos. Your friends might stare blankly at you at first, but sing the bars again. A light bulb will go off in someone’s head and they will sing the next bit. Then you repeat your part a little bit faster, and he does his part faster, then you go, then he goes. Everyone will start square dancing rowdily within a minute. Yee-haw. I realize that this isn’t really a review, but randomly singing Dueling Banjos is fun and I recommend you try it out during a lapse in conversation during your Thanksgiving feast.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2012 · 12:02 pm

Sitting Next to an Arguing Couple

Everyone has been forced to listen to a couple arguing in public at some point. It’s pretty much inevitable. Most of the time you can simply walk away or turn up your headphones louder. Sometimes there’s no escape, like if you’re unfortunate enough to be trapped at a restaurant. Sitting next to an arguing couple is unbearable and uncomfortable. Something about arguing couples makes you revert to being a little kid listening to your parents scream at each other. I’d rather see some hardcore PDA instead.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2012 · 9:44 am

# Sign

If you’ve ever looked at a pencil, a phone, or a Twitter post, you have seen the # sign. On a pencil it’s a number sign. On a phone it’s a pound sign. On Twitter it’s a hash tag. So what do you call an isolated # sign? Number, pound, or hash? The answer is D): None of the above. It’s called an octothorp (or octothorpe). Back in the day, a thorpe was a village. Lazy mapmakers would use the # sign to indicate a village surrounded by 8 fields. Over the centuries, different uses for the symbol resulted in different names. In this technological age, it’s been relegated to being the hash tag symbol. But on playgrounds around the world, the # sign is still the preferred way to play Tic-Tac-Toe. #Octothorp. #BringingItBack.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2012 · 9:41 am

The Slowest Cashier

You run into the store for a bottle of water. You’re in kind of a rush, so you just want to grab the bottle, pay, and get out. But the universe has other plans. You grab a bottle and head to the cashier and are dismayed to see one cashier and five people waiting in line. Not only is there only one cashier, it’s the slowest cashier. Of all time. This guy doesn’t even seem familiar with a twenty-dollar bill. He can’t bag your purchases. He can’t run credit cards without calling his manager for assistance. You stand in line, you pout and sigh and check your phone every 5 seconds, but the line isn’t moving. I know that patience is a virtue, but this is malarkey.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:29 am

First Gray Hair

I woke up the other morning and trudged my way to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth. As I stood half-asleep gazing at my reflection, something caught my eye. A flash of white in the midst of my dark brown hair. I grabbed some tweezers and plucked out a tuft of hair in the offending area. There it was, a single strand of gray hair surrounded by its youthful fellow follicles. Life is full of accomplishments: learning to walk, learning to talk, first day of school, losing your first tooth, puberty, etc. Your first gray hair is not an accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you are going to die. Growing up, you assume that you are immortal, but then you see your first gray hair and reality slaps you in the face. You are getting older and older, and each heartbeat is one closer to death. Try not to dwell on it and have a nice day.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:25 am

Calling Shotgun

You’re hanging out with a few friends and it’s time to go to lunch. Steve volunteers to drive and your gang starts to head to his car. The closer you get to the car, the more tension is rising between you and the other passengers. Someone is going to be riding shotgun, and everyone else has to sit in the back. It’s just a matter of seeing who says “shotgun” first. The only universal rule to calling shotgun is that you have to visibly see the car in order to claim the front seat. Blind people are terrible at this part. The first one to call shotgun gets to ride in the front seat. Riding shotgun is legit. You are the co-pilot. You get all the perks of being in the driver’s seat without being responsible for anyone’s life. You have a great view, your own door, your own window that is capable of rolling all the way down, you even have access to the radio and can DJ for the car ride. And the legroom, my god, so much legroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Pencil Sharpener That Doesn’t Sharpen

People use pencils because people make mistakes. You can simply erase away all evidence of your terrible spelling. The best kind of pencil is a sharpened pencil. Nobody likes a dull pencil, that’s boring (possibly the most clever pun of all time).  The best way to get a sharp pencil is to use a pencil sharpener (or a mechanical pencil, but that’s beside the point. Damn, there’s another pun). There are some shoddy pencil sharpeners out there. You stick in the pencil, you twist it, it looks ok, but then the tip breaks off as soon as you put pressure on it. A pencil sharpener that doesn’t sharpen is the definition of uselessness. Your pencil will just keep getting shorter and shorter as you grind away, struggling majestically to obtain a perfect tip that will never be.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2012 · 10:28 am

Your Favorite Movie

Most people have a favorite movie. You’re weird if you don’t. Almost everybody has a movie that they grew up watching. You know every scene by heart, you can quote every line, and you could watch it almost every day without getting sick of it. Sometimes it’s not even a good movie, it might even be a terrible movie, but it reminds you of your childhood, of sunny days, and it can comfort you like a security blanket. The sentimental value is through the roof. You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite movie. If you meet a set of twins and one of them loves The Sandlot and the other one loves The Human Centipede, then you know right off the bat which one is the evil twin. Your favorite movie is a reflection of you. Choose wisely.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 10:07 am

Status Worthy

Shit happens. Shit happens all the time, every day, to everybody. And when something happens to you, you want to share it with the world. But you should ask yourself if it’s status worthy before you post it on Facebook. Bitching about how much work you have to do is not status worthy. Nobody cares and nobody wants to hear it. Nobody cares about the mundane. Your status should be noteworthy, that’s why they call it a newsfeed. It’s supposed to be news, it’s supposed to be interesting, intriguing, and relevant. Things that are status worthy: getting a new job, running into a celebrity, grandma/grandpa/someone dying, and stuff like that. Things that aren’t status worthy: Bible quotes, song lyrics, what you had for dinner, an intentionally vague status that’s just a cry for attention, et cetera. I realize that everybody is guilty of posting crap that nobody cares about, but we can make the Internet a better place if we try, one status at a time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 9:59 am

Stale Chips

You were a little tipsy last night and you wake up to find a bag of chips that you opened up and left on the counter all night long. Curious, you stick your hand in the bag and grab a chip. You pop it in your mouth and start to chew, realizing after a few bites that the bag is now filled with stale chips. Chips are dried and processed and loaded with preservatives. How does a few hours of exposure make them stale? Those food scientists are slacking. Stale chips are uncalled for and inexcusable. But I can’t stop eating them.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:46 am

Chandler Riggs

Chandler Riggs is a child actor best known for playing Carl on AMC’s The Walking Dead. Carl is one of the main characters in both the comics and on the TV show. He is the reason why Rick does what he does. If you’ve read the comics, you realize how important he is. The only problem with casting a kid on a TV show is that kids grow up, and they grow up fast and they grow up awkward. Didn’t anyone learn anything from the Walt incident on Lost? Chandler Riggs does a great job playing Carl, but he is already too old to still be playing him. Carl is only 7 years old in the comics. Chandler Riggs is already 13 years old. He is noticeably older looking in season 3 compared to season 1. Next season he will be sporting a 5 o’clock shadow despite playing a third grader. There are only two options for handling this situation: they can either recast him or kill him off. Either way I feel sorry for the guy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:42 am

Double Parking

If you live in the city and drive, you hate people who double park. These motherfuckers stop in the middle of the road, put on their hazard lights, and make you drive into oncoming traffic to get around them. Sometimes the driver isn’t even in the fucking car. Now you don’t even know who to flip off. The weirdest thing about double parking is that it’s always somehow justified when you do it. Funny how the universe works.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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