Monthly Archives: May 2012

Independence Day (film, not the day)

Before Roland Emmerich went crazy and started spewing out ridiculous disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, he made an awesome disaster movie called Independence Day. This was one of the best summer movies of the ‘90s. It had it all: a sweet cast, amazing special effects, and good action scenes. Plus Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

The movie stars out with a bang. It starts on the moon and a giant shadow creeps across its surface, steadily heading for Earth. Before long, giant spaceships are hovering over 36 major cities across the world. As we learn about the threat, we are introduced to the main characters. Jeff Goldblum plays David Levinson, a genius who discovers a hidden code that indicates the aliens are going to attack. He goes to Washington, D.C. to warn his ex-wife who works for the President of the United States. Bill Pullman plays the President, a former combat pilot.

Will Smith plays Captain Steve Hiller, a pilot for the Marines. He wants to become an astronaut, and he has a stripper girlfriend named Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox). Randy Quaid plays Russell Casse, he’s a pilot too. Seriously, the whole world gets destroyed, but half the survivors are pilots. If you wanna survive Independence Day, you should start taking flying lessons.

The hidden code that David finds turns out to be valid, and the ships attack simultaneously across the world. Millions of people die, but if you jump into a storage closet in a tunnel, you’ll be fine. That’s how Vivica A. Fox survived. She plays a stripper in the movie by the way.

So the world’s been half destroyed, and we have no idea how to stop them. Will Smith flies around and gets one to crash and then he punches it in the face and welcomes it to Earth. And then he and the alien body get a ride from Russell Casse and his family to Area 51. And the President is there, along with David and all the other people who haven’t died yet. The alien turns out not to be dead, and we find out that they want to take over the world and they want us to die. So we decide to nuke them. And it doesn’t work, and we don’t know what to do. And we seem pretty fucked.

Then David gets an idea. He’ll simply use his Apple laptop to upload a virus to the mother ship to disable all the other ships, while simultaneously the survivors across the world will launch a global attack on the alien ships. Will Smith and David fly to the mother ship, and the President and Russell Casse and all the other survivor pilots take to the skies in a desperate attempt to save mankind.

Not to spoil anything, but we won. We beat the aliens. And David takes up smoking. He probably stops recycling too.

This movie came out when I was ten years old. It was the movie of the summer. It was like my Star Wars. It was an event. And when we went back to school we shunned the ones who didn’t see it.

There are a lot of funny moments and lots of great one-liners. There are also some touching moments, like when the President has to tell his daughter that mama ain’t coming back. Some of the actors do a great job, like Judd Hirsch as Julius, David’s father. Some of the actors do a terrible job, like James Duval as Miguel Casse, Russell’s son. He looks like he went to the Keanu Reeves School of Wooden Acting. I think Bill Pullman’s speech with the bullhorn is one of the best fake president speeches of all time. Oh, and Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

Of course there are lots of plot holes (like where’s the Secret Service?) and poorly written characters, but the movie is exciting and fun and entertaining. I like being entertained, it’s fun. I think it’s weird how everyone laughs at Russell whenever he mentions being abducted by aliens ten years earlier. They know that aliens exist now. They should be apologizing for having doubted him.

Independence Day is a cool movie. It was the first time Will Smith saved the world. He does that every other summer now. This was back when it was still special. Seriously if you haven’t seen this movie you missed the ‘90s and I feel bad for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Lagunitas Maximus

The Lagunitas Brewing Company is known for their IPA. Their Maximus India Pale Ale has more alcohol and is hoppier. Wikipedia says it has a spicy finish with a lot of rose petal. Maybe my palate isn’t sophisticated because I don’t taste the rose petal. I think Wikipedia is lying. Anyway, 8.2% alcohol is pretty decent; it can definitely make you sleepy. Lagunitas is a great microbrewery. If you ever see it at the liquor store you should grab it. And read the label; they usually have a funny and random rant printed on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Rambo

Rambo IV or John Rambo is the fourth or last installment of the Rambo series. 236 people die, in case you were wondering. Slyvester Stallone is a bad ass. Very few people star in 2 successful movie franchises, but Stallone does it, and he makes Rambo and Rocky legit characters, people that you don’t want to fuck with.

The plot is generic. You’ve seen it a thousand times before. Rambo is some schmuck hired to take people into forbidden water. He is reluctant at first, but he gives in and leads a gang or recruits into no-man’s-land. Rambo acts like he is a decent person, but as soon as the action kicks in Rambo starts mowing people in half and doesn’t let up.

People die in this movie. A lot. Rambo uses crazy weapons and tactics and finds exciting new ways to mutilate and massacre the enemy. There is no recovering from that. Sly Stallone was on a shit ton of steroids and you can tell that steroids are good for you.

It might not be a good movie, but this is an awesome blockbuster. Not only is the action top notch, but the protagonist doesn’t give a shit. If you want to hurt John Rambo, you need to find John Rambo. Easier said than done. This guy is a ninja and can pop up anywhere.

It’s kind of funny that Sylvester Stallone can be M.I.A. for so long, and then he decides to resurrect his career with his biggest hits. He brought back Rocky Balboa, and named the sixth and latest movie Rocky Balboa. Woah, what a stretch. He brought back the John Rambo character as well, and the latest movie is called Rambo. What a stretch. Sly Stallone is a genius apparently. I don’t know anyone who paid cash money to see Sly Stallone on the big screen. but some people did. Good for them.

The plot is almost nonexistent. This movie exists so that you see people get mowed in half. Not white people. Little Asian people get mowed down like it is going out of style. It’s a tough time to be proud of the human race.

Rambo is a fun movie. It’s a waste of time to think differently. Just accept the fact that violence is entertaining and save us some time. Sly Stallone does a great job bring an irrelevant character back to the big screen. Too bad no one cares about Rambo anymore. His time has passed.

Rambo shoots people. He kills people. He tries to be a decent human being, but he doesn’t know how. He is a soldier. He fights and he fights with honor. He doesn’t always come through all the time, but he has no fear. Rambo wins in the end. You knew that he would. It’s Hollywood.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Looking at the Time and Instantly Forgetting It

We’ve all been there before. You are bored at work or you are waiting for a movie, and you pull out your phone and glance at the time. You don’t really care what time it is, it’s just something to do. So anyway, you glance at the time, and put your phone back. Then you realize that you didn’t really absorb what your phone said and you still have no idea what time it is. So you whip out your phone and look at the time again. And it’s still 8:57 and nothing has changed, but you feel like a dumbass.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Howl’s Moving Castle (film)

Hayao Miyazaki is like the Walt Disney of the Japanimation world. He makes amazing and timeless animated family films, and Howl’s Moving Castle is one of them. It’s based on the book by Diana Wynne Jones, but I never read the book, so I can’t really compare them. It’s a decent story, but the animation takes it to a new level. This is a fun fantasy film.

The movie is about a young hat maker named Sophie who makes hats. She’s kind of stuck in a rut and dreams of a better life. Instead she gets cursed by the Witch of the Waste, and Sophie gets transformed into an old woman. She can’t tell anyone about the curse, and so she leaves home to find a cure.

She helps out a scarecrow with a turnip for a head. The scarecrow is under a curse too, and even though Turnip Head can’t talk, he helps out Sophie as much as he can. Sophie eventually ends up in a moving castle, owned by a wizard named Howl. Howl has an apprentice named Merkl, and a fire demon named Calcifer (voiced by Billy Crystal).

Sophie’s country is about to enter war, and the king insists that all wizards be enlisted to help fight. Howl is a pacifist and doesn’t want to, and that kind of kicks off the larger plot. To help disrupt the war, he transforms into a bird-monster-thing, but each transformation makes it harder to return to human form. To complicate matters, a witch named Suliman is also after Howl, and a lot of stuff happens before shit gets resolved and you have your happy ending.

Miyazaki is a genius. He’s one of those filmmakers who creates a masterpiece and retires only to come out of retirement and make another amazing film. His attention to detail is impeccable. Every scene, shot, and frame is a piece of art. He makes the characters compelling and keeps the movie flowing at a good pace.

The castle is fantastic. You can sense the magic in the walls. It adds to the tone of the film and feels like another character, similar to Hogwarts in the Harry Potter movies. In films about magic and wizards it is important to have the sets feel magical and impressive.

A lot of Japanimation films can get lost in translation. Spirited Away is great movie, but unless you know the significance of bathhouse spirits in Japanese culture, you aren’t getting the full picture. Howl’s Moving Castle is based on an English author’s book, so the culture clash isn’t as evident. It also helps getting well known actors to dub the English version. Christian Bale, Billy Crystal, and Lauren Bacall are among the celebrities to voice a character.

You either like Japanimation or you don’t. There is no in-between. If you don’t know if you like Japanimation, Miyazaki is a good start. He’s got a few good movies, this is one of them. Spirited Away is probably his best. This one’s not too shabby.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Mint M&M’s

M&M’s are a staple of a happy childhood. M&M’s are bite-sized chocolates with a colorful candy shell. You should know this already, even if you didn’t have a happy childhood. Sometimes when a product is successful, they add more shit to the original formula to make it better. With M&M’s they added peanuts, peanut butter, pretzels… and now they have mint flavored M&M’s made with dark chocolate. It’s a sexy flavor with the sexiest spokescandy (the green one). It has a smooth chocolate mint flavor, it is like an Andes mint but crunchier. It tastes good and it’s refreshing, but it won’t make your breath smell better. You shouldn’t rely on candy to hide your halitosis anyway.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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The Babe (film)

John Goodman stars as the great George Herman “Babe” Ruth in director Arthur Hiller’s The Babe. Babe Ruth is an American icon; many consider him to be the best baseball player of all time. He was larger than life and lived like he was. This biopic covers the rise and fall of his career, playing as much to the myths as to the facts. There’s heroes and there’s legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. And yes, I did steal that from The Sandlot.

The Babe Movie Poster

The movie starts with Babe’s dad giving up on him and dropping him off at St. Mary’s, an orphanage/reformatory. He’s a chubby troublemaker who gets picked on constantly. That all changes when he picks up a bat and discovers that he was made to play baseball. He’s a phenomenal pitcher and has a powerful bat. In a few short years he catches the eye of the Baltimore Orioles and leaves the orphanage to conquer the world.

Babe is too big for Baltimore, and he goes to the Boston Red Sox. Babe is too big for Boston, and he goes to the Yankees. The bulk of the film takes place in his Red Sox and Yankee days. They explore how success has gone to his head. Babe wants it all, and he can suddenly have it all, and since he’s just a big kid he goes nuts. He has a good heart, but he’s brash and impulsive and hurts people without meaning to.

John Goodman does a decent job as the Babe. He is a little too old to be playing him, and he’s also too fat. Most actors would have to gain weight to play him, but Goodman could stand to lose a few pounds. There are dozens of actors that could have done a better job. Babe Ruth was larger than life, it was his exploits that make the movie interesting, not Goodman’s portrayal of him.

The Babe is like a kid. He has no manners. He is blatant and just says whatever is on his mind. He has no social skills; he uses other people’s toothbrushes and farts at fancy parties. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he will be ecstatic one moment and having a tantrum the next. He has a habit of calling people Dad, a sign of his broken childhood.

Trini Alvarado plays Helen, Babe’s first wife. He loves her, and marries her, and starts a family with her. And he wants to be with her. But he can’t. He can’t be contained. He wants to party and go to the city, not stay at home and play house. So he goes out, and girls throw themselves at him, and people kiss his ass, and he feels happy. But he hurts Helen over and over again. They separate, but the whole relationship shows how damaged Babe is. Eventually he finds love again, and this time Claire (Kelly McGillis) is able to handle him, she acts like a parent figure and gives him rules and boundaries.

They humanize Babe off the field, and they embellish what he did on it. He never hit a popup so high that he got an infield home run. He never hit 2 homeruns for a sick kid in the hospital. He might have called his shot, but it was not that dramatic. He hit three homers in one game in the twilight of his career as a Brave, but he didn’t retire right after.

People often debate about who the best baseball player of all time is. Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Ty Cobb, Hank Aaron, Lou Gehrig, and Stan Musial are all in discussion, but Babe Ruth was a 100% natural talent. He singlehandedly changed the game. Not only is he arguably the best homerun hitter of all time, but he’s also considered one of the best pitchers of all time.

This is not a great baseball movie. It’s not really a good movie either. It’s just an average movie made about a great man. I’m not one for remakes, but I think we can do a better Babe Ruth movie. It doesn’t have to be 3D or in IMAX, but Americans love baseball and Americans love Babe Ruth. So anyway, this is an alright movie, it could have been better.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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The Annoying Girl on the Bus who Whistles Her S’s

I was coming home from a late night at work, and it was bad enough that I had to take the bus and didn’t have headphones, but these two girls right behind me would not stop talking and cackling. It’s already annoying that they wouldn’t shut up, but one of the girls whistled all her S’s. She sounded like that beaver in Lady and the Tramp, but with a higher pitched and shriller voice. There is no polite way to tell a stranger that her voice makes you want to puncture your eardrums with a Q-tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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Eragon (book)

Christopher Paolini’s Eragon is the first installment of the Inheritance Cycle. It is your standard sword and sorcery fantasy epic, complete with dragons, magic, elves, dwarves, werecats, an evil king, and an orc-like breed of monsters known as Urgals. A young farm boy named Eragon finds a dragon egg, which soon hatches, and Eragon becomes the first new Dragon Rider in over a hundred years.

The only other known living Dragon Rider is the evil King Galbatorix, the ruler of Alagaësia. The Dragon Riders were once guardians and warriors of peace, until Galbatorix went crazy, started a war, killed the other Riders, and made himself king. There is a secret resistance known as the Varden, who are trying to overthrow Galbatorix. The Varden and Galbatorix both want Eragon on their side, and the fate of the Empire is at stake.

Eragon lives in a small, isolated village with his uncle and cousin. One day he finds a weird stone, which turns out to be an egg, which soon hatches for him, revealing a baby dragon. The dragon and Eragon form a bond; he becomes a Dragon Rider and names her Saphira. Eragon seeks advice about dragons from the local storyteller, Brom. Before long, servants of the king come looking for Eragon and Saphira and kill his uncle. Eragon and Saphira decided to avenge his uncle’s death and set out on an epic journey with Brom as their guide. Along the way, he meets an elf named Arya, a witch named Angela, a werecat named Solembum, and a mysterious stranger named Murtagh who becomes a friend despite his shady history.

The basic plot is like Star Wars. A young boy on the verge of manhood discovers that he has fantastic powers, but it takes the death of his uncle to spur him into action. He must learn about his power, and he gets advice from a wise old mentor, and goes on a hero’s journey. Along the way, he rescues a damsel in distress and travels with another outcast. The world is reminiscent of Middle-earth. There are strange creatures, lots of history and folklore, ancient magic, and honor and chivalry still exists.

A Dragon Rider is an elf or a human that forms a bond with a dragon. The Rider and the Dragon are linked telepathically, to the extent that their personalities can merge together, and they are almost one soul. A Dragon Rider can use magic, but the dragons are the source of the magic. Dragon Riders become stronger, faster, and more powerful than a normal elf or human. The dragon chooses who they want to hatch for.

There is a lot of magic in this book. The Dragon Riders get their magical powers from the Dragon and use the ancient language (words of power) to wield magic. Magicians also use the ancient language to perform magic. Sorcerers get their magic from spirits. Witches and wizards get their powers from potions and spells. You don’t need to remember all that, there’s no test later, I just like to geek out about magic.

Paolini started writing this book when he was fifteen. It’s all the stuff that a teenager wants in a fantasy book. There’s a hero with a cool sword, dragons, evil creatures working for an evil king, magic, and epic battles. It’s a simple read compared to Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, but it’s more fun to read. There is more adventure, and the plot is easier to follow so you know what is at stake. This book establishes a lot of characters and locations, and the later books delve into them in more detail. Each book gets better as Paolini grows and matures as a writer. They made a really terrible movie that butchered the book. Don’t bother watching that shit.

Eragon is a good book and the start of a good literary franchise. The plot is cliché and familiar, but new things are scary and who likes change? Paolini created an amazing world and this book is a great introduction to the world of Alagaësia. And did I mention the dragons?

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Sticks

I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and tromping through the woods. I know that I’m still a little kid at heart because I like to pick up sticks. And my imagination soars when I have that piece of wood in my hand. Sometimes it’s a magic wand and I gotta fight Voldemort. Sometimes it’s a sword and I gotta fight Captain Hook. Sometimes it’s a light saber and I use it to stab George Lucas for habitually ruining Star Wars. I like to break them. When I’m camping I’ll bust out my pocketknife and carve one. Occasionally I throw a stick for a dog or a toddler to run after and fetch. I’m not too good with kids, but they seem to love that game.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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The Avengers

It’s very refreshing to go to the movies and pay a shit ton of money and know that you are going to be entertained. Very few films come with that kind of guarantee. The Avengers is one of those movies. It has everything you want in a summer blockbuster: a great cast, a great director, great characters, great special effects, and great story. Joss Whedon knows how to direct large ensemble casts, and every character gets adequate screen time and at least one memorable moment. The Avengers kicks off the summer blockbuster season, and it’s going to be a tough act to follow. The world is in trouble and the Avengers must assemble, and it takes a while, but they learn to overcome their differences and become a team (and a family), and save they New York City and the world.

There is a huge cast. Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Samuel L. Jackson all show up. And they all get their moment to shine. There is no lead, but Robert Downey, Jr. wants you to think it’s him. Quick props to Clark Gregg as Agent Phil Coulson. He has no powers, but he was no doubt a hero. He inspired the Avengers to become the Avengers, with a little manipulation from Nick Fury.

It might be helpful to first watch Iron Man, Iron Man 2, the Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger but it’s not necessary. I never saw Captain America, and I don’t feel like I had to. I understood his role and position on the team, and each Avenger gets ample screen time to establish or reestablish characters. Hawkeye and the Black Widow each get a good introduction scene; you learn their personalities, their capabilities and get a sense of who they are.

Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America all have dramatic entrances. You know the real heroes have arrived when they show up. The first half hour to 45 minutes kind of drags, but it’s important for the plot and it’s never really boring. As soon as the Helicarrier gets attacked and Banner transforms into the Hulk, the movie kicks into overdrive and never gives up. The action is intense and overwhelming. It’s sensory overload like Transformers, but unlike Transformers you are aware of what’s happening. You know who the villains are, who the heroes are, and what’s at stake.

Some of the funniest moments happen in the midst of battle. The Hulk in particular had some great moments (throwing the ejected pilot, sucker punching Thor, beating the shit out of Loki). Mark Ruffalo became the best Hulk with the shortest amount of screen time. BTW, Lou Ferrigno voiced the Hulk, a little nerd knowledge for you. Each hero has their share of quips though. It’s very reminiscent of comics: some spectacular display of violence followed by a witty remark.

Comic book fans will jizz in their pants. There are so many hidden Marvel moments to get excited about. Everyone loves a good Stan Lee cameo, but there are so many references to the Marvel Universe that your geeky head will explode. There is too much to take in, and you have to see it multiple times and talk about it to people nerdier than you are just to calm down a little. It makes you feel like a little kid, asking who that was, or what this was about. It’s rare to be excited about a movie these days. Don’t take it for granted.

I saw it in 3D. I was a little skeptical, because most films shot in 2D that get converted to 3D look terrible. The 3D is shoddy and the characters look like cardboard cutouts. A simple test is to take off your 3D glasses: blurry means that it is 3D, unblurred and in-focus means you wasted your money. This movie is actually 3D, and it’s worth paying a few extra bucks for the full experience. The cinematography alone is impressive, so seeing it in 2D is not missing out on much. Everybody wins. There are some great shots in the NYC battle. There’s a rapid shot where the camera is looking through the shattered rear window of a cab. Another great shot shows Captain America’s reflection in an overturned motorcycle’s mirror.

So this movie has already been ridiculously hyped. It has made over $207 million in its first 3 days in the US. It’s made over $1.008 billion. It’s already the #11 movie of all time. It wont be Avatar status, but it’s going to be in the top ten for sure. This isn’t the best movie of all time. But it will be a lot of people’s favorite movie. And you can’t fault them for that. This movie is a great blockbuster. There are a lot of great characters, funny moments, and jaw-dropping special effects. And it has heart.

Joss Whedon compares the Avengers to a family. They don’t always get along. They fight and bicker and argue with each other. But they come together when the need to. They work together and they save New York City. And saving New York City is always good.

This movie appeals to everyone. I saw it with three lesbians and an old man. We all had a blast. This is an awesome movie and I can’t wait to see it again. It is one of those movies that you geek out over and you do your best Iron Man and Hulk impressions to try and recreate the magic. Just see it already. Don’t be the only one left out.

Critically Rated at 15.5/17

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Leaving Your Keys in the Front Door

Sometimes you get drunk and stumble home. Or maybe you were really tired from working at the office all day. Either way, you come home incoherent and somehow find your bed before you pass out. You wake up the next morning feeling the effects of a successful night, but you can’t find your keys. Your wallet, phone and left sock are all accounted for, but your keys are nowhere to be seen. You know you had them, you got inside somehow, right? You try to retrace your steps, you ransack your room, you look in the fridge, and when you’re about to give up, you decide to look outside. You go out the front door, check out in front and head back inside. And then you see your keys… in the lock on your front door. Good times.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Green Lantern (film)

The Green Lantern is an iconic DC comic. The Green Lantern Corps is an intergalactic police force that patrols the DC universe. Each Green Lantern has their own sector to protect, and each Green Lantern gets a power ring and power lantern that lets them harness their willpower to control over the physical world. There are a bunch of different Green Lanterns, but this movie is about Hal Jordan. Sorry Guy Gardner. Ryan Reynolds plays Hal Jordan and Martin Campbell directs.

Most superhero movies really play up the origin story. As if you can’t enjoy Superman until you see Clark Kent growing up for an hour. This movie doesn’t do that. They give you a little background on the Green Lantern Corps, and you spend a little bit of time with Hal Jordan, but it jumps into the main plotline pretty quick. An evil alien named Parallax fought a Green Lantern named Abin Sur. Abin Sur escaped to Earth and passed his lantern and ring on to Hal Jordan. Parallax somehow comes back and takes infects Hector Hammond’s brain and makes him the antagonist.

Hal and Hammond fight a few times. Hal quits the Green Lanterns for a little bit. Hector Hammond gets more and more powerful. Hal has a change of heart and rejoins the Corps, just in time to beat Hammond and save the world from Parallax.

Hollywood likes to make big blockbusters. But just because you have a $200 million budget and an established character with a built-in fan base doesn’t mean you will have a hit. A decent script is way more beneficial for box office success. The special effects in this movie are sometimes slightly awesome, but they don’t mean anything. It’s just eye candy. And you actually feel bad because everything looks great but sounds stupid because of the half-assed script. It’s not a terrible as you might think, but when you have good comic book movies like the Dark Knight and the Avengers it makes this translation seem even worse.

There is a decent supporting cast. Blake Lively plays the love interest. Peter Sarsgaard plays Hector Hammond. Angela Bassett and Tim Robbins also show up unnecessarily in supporting roles for some reason. Geoffrey Rush and Michael Clark Duncan lend their voices to a couple of CG Green Lantern aliens. Ryan Reynolds should stick to comedies. He’s just not cut out to be an action star.

This movie had a lot of potential. And it was pretty shitty. It’s not the worst superhero movie ever made, it is just really disappointing. You wonder how they blew $200 million to make such a mediocre movie. There are no memorable moments that stand out. No director will ever look upon this shit for inspiration. It’s just a really expensive exercise in futility.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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Waking Up Before Your Alarm Goes Off

There you are in Slumberland, dreaming of soft fluffy clouds and falling kittens, but then your damn alarm goes off and yanks you back to reality. Your peaceful dreams are destroyed by an annoying buzzing sound. Getting annoyed awake is a terrible way to start your day. Every once in a while I get lucky. My dream will end on it’s own accord and I start gradually waking up. I’ll open one eye and glance at the time, and notice I have a minute before that shit goes off. So I turn it off so I don’t have to hear it, and open my other eye. It feels great to start your day with a little victory like that. It’s great to wake up a few minutes before your alarm. It sucks when you wake up an hour or two before it goes off and you can’t get back to sleep though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Lords of Dogtown

Dogtown and Z-Boys and the Lords of Dogtown go hand in hand. Dogtown and Z-Boys is an awesome documentary about how a group of kids revolutionized skateboarding. Lords of Dogtown is its Hollywooded-out film counterpart. Catherine Hardwicke directs and Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, John Robinson, Victor Rasuk, and Michael Angarano lead the cast.

The documentary primarily focuses on Stacy Peralta, Tony Alva, and Jay Adams, and the movie does the same. The movie adds a character named Sid (Michael Angarano), who hangs out with them and has an inner ear problem. They surf, skate, and raise mayhem on the streets of Dogtown. They hang out at the Zephyr Skate Shop and try to impress the cool owner Skip Engblom (played by Heath Ledger). I know Heath Ledger kicked ass as the Joker and a lot of people were surprised that he really could act. Watch the documentary and the movie back to back and compare Heath Ledger’s performance to the real life Skip Engblom. He becomes Skip Engblom, he is Skip Engblom.

One glorious day, Skip gets polyurethane wheels and skateboarding changed forever. The new wheels grip the pavement, and the boys go crazy with the possibilities. They start curving and carving and copying surfing moves. Skip decides to start a skateboard team and forms the Z-Boys.

The Z-Boys tear it up at skating contents and start getting noticed. They discover that empty swimming pools are great for skating, and push the sport to new heights. Stacy, Tony, Jay and the other Z-Boys not only revolutionized the sport, they started a new industry. Skating become profitable and companies and sleazy businessmen start coming after the Z-Boys. The team breaks up and friendships start to dissolve. Stacy and Tony become rich and successful, and they handle it in different ways. Jay thinks that skating stopped being fun, so he joins a violence gang. And then they find out that Sid’s inner ear problem was a brain tumor. He gets his dad to empty their swimming pool, and invites Stacy, Tony and Jay to skate it. The friends are reunited, however briefly, and skate for fun again, however briefly.

The movie is decent, but the documentary is better. You should watch the documentary before you watch the movie version. Hollywood has a tendency to whitewash movies. I couldn’t help but notice that Jeff Ho is completely missing. The same Jeff Ho of Jeff Ho & Zephyr Surfboard Productions. He was Skip Engblom’s fucking boss. And he’s just not there. You’ll notice the film borrows a few quotes and songs from the documentary too. It makes them feel connected.

By the way Catherine Hardwicke directed Twilight. So this movie just lost a few cool points by association. Fucking Twilight.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Accidently Grabbing a Low Calorie Beverage

I was just at my local liquor store because it’s a super hot day and I was feeling like Gatorade might just be the greatest thing ever. Imagine my delight when I saw a new flavor – Raspberry Lemonade. I don’t know if it’s really new, I just haven’t seen it before so it’s new to me. I made my purchase, feeling pleased with myself. I went home, cracked it open, and took a few giant gulps. And then I noticed the slightly off aftertaste and realized that I made a terrible mistake. I grabbed a low calorie Gatorade. The aftertaste has burned itself into my taste buds. I can’t live like this. Low Calorie beverages are the liquid equivalent of full screen DVDs.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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Boogie Nights

Paul Thomas Anderson directs Mark Wahlberg and a great supporting cast in Boogie Nights. This tells the tale of Eddie Adams (Mark Wahlberg) who enters the adult film industry and becomes the legendary and fictional Dirk Diggler. A great supporting cast and a great soundtrack help to carry this film from being a cult classic to a cinematic necessity

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Mark Wahlberg is a legitimate actor. This role cements his legacy. Dirk Diggler could have been portrayed by a dozen or more actors. Mark Wahlberg takes control of the flick and makes Dirk Diggler a real person. Stupid as fuck, but real. His only goal in life is to make use of what he was given. He was given a large cock. And he embraces it.

Every character in this movie views sex in different ways. Sex is the theme, but it destroys people. Heather Graham plays Roller Girl, and she is always down to fuck. She doesn’t consider herself a whore or a slut thought. She has pride and respects herself even if others don’t. Julianne Moore plays Amber Waves, an aging porn star that is protective of Mark Wahlberg and desperately wants to regain custody of her kid. She’s a bad mom, knows it, and hates herself for it. Burt Reynolds plays Jack Horner, a director with delusions of grandeur. He considers himself an actual director, involved with story and plot but he’s a porn director and not much more.

Don Cheadle and John C. Reilly join the cast as washed up porn stars. Don Cheadle wants to be a cowboy and wants to start his own electronics business. John C. Reilly is constantly trying to prove himself and acts tougher than he is. He wants to be a magician, but he’s a straight up mimbo. William H. Macy plays the assistant Little Bill. He’s married to a porn star/swinger who is constantly cheating on him. It becomes a running gag. Sex isn’t casual for everyone, and he reaches the breaking point. There are a lot of other great supporting cast members. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a bizarre man crush on Dirk Diggler. Luis Guzman plays a sleazy nightclub owner who is always trying to break into the industry.

If you’re a dude you probably feel inadequate after watching this movie. You aren’t the only one. I’m sure there are support groups available. Just remind yourself that Mark Wahlberg had to use a prosthetic.

Boogie Nights is less about the porn industry and more about the amazing time that was the 1970s and ‘80s. Porn just happened to be a hot topic at that point. All the people involved in the porn industry are trying to make themselves appear legitimate. They want to be presentable to society. They are all trying to be something else. Only Mark Wahlberg as Eddie Adams wants to fully embrace the lifestyle. He wants the glory and infamy that comes with the territory; sex is the only thing that sets him apart from the crowd. He wants to be the best at the only thing he is good at… it just happens to be a taboo subject.

The industry seems exciting and glamorous at first, but it gets darker and darker as the film goes on. It destroys careers and lives, and only a few people are able to escape it. Sex is awesome, but sometimes it is a curse. This movie shows both sides of the coin.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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