Monthly Archives: May 2012

Grilled/Cooked Pineapple

Pineapple is delicious. Tangy and sweet and delicious. There is nothing wrong with it. Until you grill it or cook it or heat it up. Pineapple should be served cold or at least room temperature if it’s canned. Grilled/cooked pineapple is gross. It’s unnatural. But then some people insist on throwing it on a pizza, or a kabob, or even on a hamburger. Blasphemy! If you wanna add pineapple on a pizza, you need to hold a debate first. You can’t just throw that shit on there, that’s a friendship ender.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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The Matrix Reloaded

Neo is back on the big screen in the second installment of the Matrix trilogy. Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving all return for the beginning of the Shyamalanization of the Wachowski Brothers. I had high hopes for this movie. I hate being disappointed.

So Neo is getting used to being the One. He spends his days chilling with Morpheus and Trinity in the Matrix, freeing people and acting like a holy man when he’s unplugged. Neo and his pals find out that the machines are going to launch an attack on Zion, the last remaining human city, where they like to have huge raves in underground caves. Not only do they have to deal with a massive machine invasion, but Agent Smith managed to escape death somehow, and now he’s wreaking havoc in the Matrix by making duplicates of himself. One of his copies manages to escape the Matrix and enter the real world.

Neo visits the Oracle and finds out that he needs to reach the Source of the Matrix. To do that he needs to find the Keymaker, who is being held prisoner by the Merovingian. Neo, Morpheus and Trinity manage to break the Keymaker out of the Merovingian’s grasp.

They come up with some complex plan to get Neo into the Source. The plan doesn’t work like it should, and the Keymaker dies and Trinity gets shot up by an agent. Neo reaches the Source meets the Architect and they have a conversation about how smart the Wachowskis are and how stupid you are because you don’t understand what they are talking about. And the Architect gives Neo a choice between saving mankind or saving Trinity. And Neo is selfish so he saves Trinity.

Neo discovers that he can disable the machines even without being plugged into the Matrix. But it’s too much for him to take and he collapses into a coma, and the movie ends in a cliffhanger.

There was a lot of potential for the Matrix sequels to be awesome. Instead the Wachowski Brothers decided ruining the franchise would be easier. You know that the movie was going to suck as soon as you realized that Tank is dead, even though he didn’t die in the first movie. There was no reason so replace a minor crewmember who didn’t die with another minor crewmember. It makes no sense. Link’s only redeeming feature is that he’s played by Harold Perrineau, and anyone from Lost is cool.

There are some cool action scenes, and even though they are more elaborate and complex, they are hollow, they don’t impact the story as much as the fights in the first movie. In the original the fights mean something. Morpheus fights Neo so he can learn what he is capable of for example. In Reloaded, there are fights just to fill screen time.

The fight between Neo and the Agent Smith clones could have been epic. It should have been. It starts out with a lot of promise. And about halfway through it becomes a cartoon. They get lazy with the fight choreography, with the animation, even with the sound effects. They actually use the sound of bowling pins falling over when Neo throws a Smith into other Smiths.

The best scene in the movie is the freeway chase. It might even be the best scene in the trilogy. A high speed chase with car crashes and albino twins and agents, Trinity and the Keymaker speeding the wrong way against traffic on the freeway, Morpheus fighting an agent on a semi truck… the whole sequence is exhilarating and you are almost relieved when Neo flies in and saves the day.

The Matrix Reloaded has its moments. But it’s a step in the wrong direction. It’s still worth seeing, but if you like the sequels more than the original you have issues.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Changing Light Bulbs

Sometimes it gets dark when I’m hanging out at home, so I’ll respond by turning on the lights. It’s really nice to be able to see your surroundings and what you’re doing. It’s easy to take indoor lighting for granted, but all things must come to an end, and eventually your light bulbs will dim and you have to change them. It’s kind of sad. It’s like the end of an era. Especially with these new fluorescent bulbs that last longer than Ron Jeremy. I never have spare bulbs either, so if one burns out I get a new one from the store. I don’t pay attention to wattage, I just get the cheapest one so all my lights are mismatched. I’m always a little nervous about getting electrocuted screwing in the new bulb. Technology scares me.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Will Ferrell makes Will Ferrell movies, and Anchorman is his best. Adam McKay (Talladega Nights, Eastbound & Down) directs and co-wrote the script with Will Ferrell, who stars as stars as Ron Burgundy, the best anchorman in San Diego. Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, David Koechner, and Christina Applegate costar, and Judd Apatow produces.

Ron Burgundy is the best damn anchorman in San Diego. He’s number one and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. His Channel 4 News team is made up of meteorologist Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), sportscaster Champ Kind (David Koechner), and field reporter Brian Fontana (Paul Rudd). Brick is legally retarded, Champ has man crush on Ron Burgundy, and Brian fancies himself a ladies man, but doesn’t have much luck. It’s a happier and lighter style of reporting, showcased by the ongoing reports on Ling-Wong the pregnant panda.

Things are going great for a while, but it’s the ‘70s and times are changing. Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) is the first female reporter hired at the station, and she has to deal with the immature men and blatant sexism as she battles for respect. Her and Ron get together and start a relationship, but it’s doomed because she’s looking forward to the future and Ron is stuck in the past.

One day Ron has a run-in with an angry biker who kicks Ron’s dog Baxter off a bridge. Ron is too distraught to report the news, so Veronica fills in and nails it. Ron is hurt and betrayed that Veronica would read his news and ends their relationship. There’s no denying Veronica’s talent and she is promoted to co-anchor.

Ron and his news team try to get rid of her in various ways, but Veronica sabotages Ron’s teleprompter so that he says, “Go fuck yourself San Diego”. You generally can’t say shit like that on TV, so Ron gets fired and Veronica becomes the lead anchor.

After a few months, Ron is just a drunk, but Veronica is more famous and successful than Ron ever was. One day Ling-Wong the pregnant panda finally starts to give birth, so the all of San Diego’s media shows up for the story of the year. Veronica gets shoved into a bear pit by a rival anchor that wants a good shot of Ling-Wong giving birth. When nobody can find Veronica, Ron Burgundy gets a chance to report once again.

Ron cleans himself up and shows up at the zoo to do some anchoring, but when he sees Veronica is in trouble, he jumps into the bear pit too. And just for good measure the rest of the news team jumps in too. Just when it seems like they are completely fucked, Baxter the dog shows up again. After he got kicked off the bridge by an angry biker, he had a fantastic journey to get back to Ron. He met a bear named Katow-jo, who coincidently happens to be the bear’s cousin, and so Ron and Veronica and the Channel 4 news team is safe. Talk about deus ex machine.

Will Ferrell is hysterical but he plays the same character in every single movie. Anchorman was before he wore his shtick into the ground. But there’s no denying he is funny as hell. Anchorman would not have worked without Will Ferrell, but Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and David Koechner deserve a lot of the credit for making the movie one of the best comedies of that decade. Sex Panther… 60% of the time, it works every time. There are a lot of cameos: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Seth Rogan, Tim Robbins, and a few other celebs make appearances. The news team showdown is one of the highlights of the movie.

Judd Apatow movies are usually always good. He track record is almost as good as Pixar’s. Drillbit Taylor sucked but Cars 2 was no gem either. This is Will Ferrell’s best movie. I can’t wait for the sequel.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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A Random Shoe on the Ground

You’re walking down the street and you happen to notice a random shoe on the ground. It’s just lying there, slightly worn-out, but otherwise a perfectly decent shoe. You wonder what happened to the other half of the pair. There aren’t any other shoes around. No socks either for that matter. How does a person lose a shoe and walk away without noticing? And what do they do with the shoe that they still have? It’s useless without its twin.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Top Gun

If you haven’t seen Top Gun, you have not lived. Tom Cruise stars as Maverick, a renegade Navy pilot who gets recruited to the elusive Top Gun program, where the best of the best compete to be the best. Ridley Scott’s younger brother Tony Scott directs this classic action film. Ridley Scott may be a genius, but Tony has some pretty good action films under his belt. Top Gun is probably his best.

Maverick (Tom Cruise) is a natural pilot, but is impulsive and has some daddy issues. His dad was also a pilot, but his plane went down under some shady circumstances, and Maverick has to deal with his father’s tainted legacy. Maverick and his wingman Goose (Anthony Edwards) fly recklessly, but get the job done. Despite some reservations, Maverick gets a chance to prove himself as one of the best Naval Aviators.

Maverick and Goose face some fierce competition, but their main rivals are soon revealed to be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and his wingman Slider. Iceman is the best pilot, not because he is naturally gifted, but because he works hard to be the best. He doesn’t like the way Maverick flies, because Maverick doesn’t fly safe, and he doesn’t want to work as a team. Iceman is made out to be the villain. Iceman should be the hero. He trains and studies and strives to do well, he does the right thing, and he looks out for the team. He calls Maverick out for being a maverick and he gets shat on. You can’t look out for yourself in the military, you endanger everyone else.

No matter how arrogant Maverick is, no matter how brash and stuck up, he is still a gifted pilot, and so everyone bends over backwards for him. Even though Charlie (Kelly McGillis) repeatedly stresses that she can’t date him because it wouldn’t be professional, she ends up spreading her legs. Even though Maverick kills his best friend and wingman Goose, he still gets more chances to prove himself.

He struggles a bit, and then regains his confidence, just in time to shoot down some real enemy MiGs and save the day. And then gets the girl at the end. Hurray for cliché Hollywood endings.

Top Gun was made in a different time. Back then there was no CG… if you saw a couple of jets doing some crazy cool maneuvers, you knew that shit was real. I know Tom Cruise isn’t flying an F-14, but some guy is, and that guy is a bad ass.

Every ‘80s movie needs a hit soundtrack. And the Top Gun soundtrack is epic. Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins is one of the cheesiest macho songs ever. Berlin’s Take My Breath Away is an awesome and awkward love song. There might have been a few more songs on the soundtrack. None of them matter.

No movie about military life is complete without a homoerotic beach volleyball scene. Maverick knows that he has a date that night, with a really hot instructor nonetheless, but playing shirtless volleyball with the boys is a little more important apparently.

Top Gun is one of those action films that defines a decade. It’s like Star Wars, if you haven’t seen it, you are weird. Real planes doing real stunts means real excitement. Is anyone else slightly distracted by Tom Cruise’s unibrow?

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Naked Blue Machine

Naked Blue Machine isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. Naked is a brand that makes natural juice drinks. Blue Machine is one of their 100% juice smoothies. It has 27 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3 ¼ apples, and one banana. That’s a lot of juice in a 15.2 oz. bottle. It’s pretty good, if you skip breakfast and chug this you won’t feel as guilty. It’s a better alternative to soda, but it’s not as refreshing. It tastes good and it’s good for you, and that’s good I guess.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere

Neverwhere was a BBC show that Neil Gaiman wrote and later adapted into a novel, which later got adapted into a comic book. Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere is a comic adaptation of the novel. Gaiman wrote the novel, but Mike Carey wrote the comic with Glenn Fabry providing the art. It’s the story of Richard Mayhew, a regular guy with a regular life, who helps out a mysterious stranger and discovers the mysterious world of London Below.

Richard Mayhew has a boring job and a bossy fiancée. He can’t make any decisions for himself, that’s her job. The only time he defies her is to help hurt woman in the street. The hurt woman isn’t exactly from around here, she comes from London Below. The best way to describe London Below is that it’s made up of pieces from our world that got lost or went missing. That’s not a good way to describe it, but it is the best way.

The hurt woman is named Door, and she’s in trouble. Her family has been murdered, she has two assassins tracking her down, and she needs help. Richard helps her find the Marquis de Carabas, and he helps Door escape from the assassins (Croup and Vandemar).

Richard tries to go back to his old life and old routine, but there’s a problem. London Above seems to have forgotten him. His apartment is being shown to potential tenants, no one at the office can see him, his fiancée doesn’t recognize him. It’s as if he never existed.

Richard has to go back to London Below to find Door and recover his existence. After a few adventures and mishaps he finds Door and joins her on her journey to discover what happened to her family and why. A legendary warrior named Hunter joins their posse to act as Door’s bodyguard.

There’s a whole bunch of stuff that they have to do, there’s a lot of hoops to jump through, a bunch of crazy characters with hidden agendas that they have to deal with. London Below is a rich, dense, chaotic and confusing world, and it’s a joy to explore.

Richard Mayhew learns more about himself in London Below than he ever did in his real life. So in the end, when the conflict has been resolved, and he’s back in his routine, he feels hollow. How can you survive the fantastic and return the mundane and be satisfied? You can’t be content with mediocrity after a magic mission like he experienced. So he finds a way back to London Below, his new home.

The comic cuts out a lot of stuff. They had to; the story is way too dense to be crammed into a nine issue series. They changed a few things here and there, but it’s a pretty faithful adaptation overall. You can tell that Mike Carey is fan of Neil Gaiman. He takes time and puts a lot of care and effort into converting a dense novel into comic book form. I’ve never done that, but I imagine it’s a difficult task.

The art is awesome. The story is awesome. Neil Gaiman is awesome. Mike Carey is awesome at trying to be Neil Gaiman. This is a decent comic, but the book is better.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Talking to Babies

I’m at that stage in life where my friends that I grew up with have started popping out babies. And so you have to come over and meet the baby. The proud mother and father introduce you to their little bundle of joy, and they expect you to coo and make a fuss over how cute the little rascal is. I know what to say to the parents. You just gotta compare the baby to them: “Awww, she has your eyes. You’re lucky she doesn’t have his nose.” But what I don’t like is when they expect you to talk to the baby. What are you supposed to say? The baby can’t hold a conversation, it’s a fucking baby. It’s not even listening to me; it’s too busy shitting itself. I end up with a fake ass ear-to-ear smile, saying “Hello” and “Hi there” over and over again, each time in a higher pitched voice. I’m not saying I don’t like your baby… I just don’t want to have an awkward one-sided conversation with a person that’s closer to a fetus than a toddler.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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The Animatrix

The Matrix is a great movie. The sequels have some great moments, but they are not great movies. The Animatrix is the best installment in the Matrix franchise. It’s a collection of eight animated shorts about the Matrix universe. Each segment has it’s own style of animation. Four of the stories are related to the movies, and the other four are independent. If you liked the first movie and thought the sequels sucked, you should give this one a try, it might redeem your faith in the Matrix franchise.

Final Flight of the Osiris is a CG animated short that ties directly into the Matrix Reloaded. The animation is reminiscent of the Final Fantasy movie. The Second Renaissance is a two-part film that explores how the machines came to dominate man. It’s pretty much a history lesson on how the Matrix universe was formed. B1-66ER will haunt your dreams. Kid’s Story is a tale about that weird kid that wanted to carry Neo’s luggage in the second movie. It’s how he escaped the Matrix, and Neo makes an appearance. Really cool animation, kind of like Waking Life.

Program is an independent short; it has no bearing on the films. It’s about a chick named Cis being tested as to whether or not she wants to be in the real world or go back to Matrix. It’s my least favorite segment. World Record is about a sprinter who pushes his body and mind to the limit, escaping the Matrix and finding freedom. Beyond is about a girl who goes looking for her lost cat and finds a haunted house. The haunted house isn’t actually haunted, it’s just a glitch in the Matrix. It’s the best of the independent stories and one of the highlights of the Animatrix. It’s simply fantastic.

A Detective Story is a film noir short about a detective trying to track down Trinity. It’s set in the ‘30s or ‘40s, and it’s like the Maltese Falcon meets the Matrix, but it works. Matriculated is the last short and a disappointing way to end the Animatrix. It’s done by the same guy who did Aeon Flux, so imagine that style with weird Matrix robots. It’s about a group of humans who try to reprogram machines to help humans and not kill them. It’s not a bad story, but the Animatrix should end with a short that is more relevant to the Matrix films.

The Animatrix is the best installment in the Matrix franchise. And it’s the most overlooked. The Animatrix is worth buying, high praise in these days of illegal downloads. The Second Renaissance and Beyond are reason enough to buy it. Great animation and great stories add up to a great time. And you gotta admit that it has a clever title.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Pets with People Names

People are people. Pets are pets. People should have people names. Pets should have pet names. You aren’t going to name your kid Fido or Spot. Those are pet names, and your baby is a person. But for whatever reason, people insist on giving pets people names. It doesn’t work out so well. There’s something weird about warning a new houseguest that Billy might sniff their crotch. Don’t get weirded out if Bruce humps your leg. There are exceptions to the rule, like naming a pit bull Steve McQueen or paying homage to your best friend by naming your potbelly pig after him. But for most part, there is no valid reason for naming your dog Jason.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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Jerry Maguire

When Tom Cruise isn’t making a fool of himself in interviews he makes movies. A few years back Tom Cruise starred as Jerry Maguire in Cameron Crowe’s Jerry Maguire. It’s the best movie about a sports agent of all time, hands down. Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Renée Zellweger turn in supporting roles, and little Jonathon Lipnicki taught the world that the human head weighs eight pounds.

Jerry Maguire is a successful sports agent who feels that the business is getting out of hand. He writes a memo about how honesty and personal relationships are more important than money. His bosses think that money is important and Jerry gets fired.

Jerry decides to start his own sports agency. His only employee is Dorothy Boyd (Zellweger), a single mother who is inspired by Jerry’s memo. Jerry’s main investment is in Frank Cushman, the potential NFL #1 Draft Pick. His only other client is Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. On the night of the draft, Jerry finds out that his rival now represents Cushman, and Jerry is fucked.

Jerry hits a bit of a rut, breaks up with his fiancée and turns to Dorothy for comfort. He starts a relationship with her, but it’s complicated because she loves him, he doesn’t know if he loves her back, and she’s got a cute little kid that Jerry starts to love like a son.

Jerry invests all his time into helping Rod get a big contract. The two of them form a friendship, with Rod giving Jerry advice on marriage and love, and Jerry giving Rod advice on how to become a superstar.

By the end of the movie, Jerry is a happy and content family man. Rod gets his big contract. And you, the viewer, are happy for everyone.

Tom Cruise does a great job as Jerry Maguire. He’s a complex character; he’s incomplete but acts whole. He has good intentions but can’t always act on them. Cuba Gooding, Jr. elevates the film. Every scene with him interacting with Jerry is memorable. I have a feeling that Terrell Owens spent his career trying to be Rod Tidwell. Cuba won the Oscar for his performance and he celebrated by never making a decent movie again.

This was Renée Zellweger’s breakout role. And she actually looks good. In a lot of her movies she looks weird. She’s pretty, but she’s not Hollywood pretty. Jonathan Lipnicki plays Ray, Dorothy’s son. He’s a little scene-stealer. I want to punch him in the face though. Just to see what would happen.

Kelly Preston has a small role as Jerry’s fiancé. It’s a little bit of a stretch to pretend like she’s attracted to a homosexual scientologist, but she was able to pull it off. That’s acting (This is a very clever joke, because in real life she’s married to John Travolta, a scientologist who many believe to be a homosexual).

This movie came out in 1996 and people are still yelling, “Show me the money!” Shut the fuck up. This movie had a bunch of corny lines that people are still quoting: “You complete me” and “You had me at hello” are among the worst offenders. It’s a sign of a good movie when people constantly quote it.

Jerry Maguire is a good movie. It might be Tom Cruise’s best film. I don’t like Tom Cruise, so that’s a big compliment. There’s no denying that he’s a movie star. Jonathon Lipnicki might have been the cutest kid on the planet for a few short years. I still want to punch him in the face. This is a good movie, there’s sports for the guys and a love story for the girls, everyone wins.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Getting Stoned and Watching Nature Shows

I like smoking weed, and I’m pretty good at it. One of my favorite things to do while high is watching nature shows. Nothing compliments the life and death struggle of prairie dog fighting a ferret like a freshly packed bowl. Buffalos and lions and giraffes are way more impressive when your mind is in a fog. There’s nothing more life changing than smoking a blunt and watching Planet Earth in HD. Getting stoned and watching nature shows is a past time, and it sure beats actually going outside.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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The Matrix

No one can be told what the Matrix is; you have to see it for yourself. And you’ve should have seen it by now. It’s been out for 13 years. Andy and Larry Wachowski wrote and directed The Matrix, one of the greatest action/sci-fi films ever. Keanu Reeves plays Neo, a hacker who finds out the world is a lie perpetrated by machines to control and harness energy from humans, and that he is the One prophesized to save mankind.

Thomas Anderson A.K.A. Neo (Keanu Reeves) is a hacker by night and an office drone by day. He senses that there’s something wrong with the world, but he can’t quite grasp it. He gets enigmatic clues about something called the Matrix, but he can’t figure out its meaning. He meets a mysterious hacker named Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) who leads him to man named Morpheus who can help him find out what the Matrix is. Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) gives Neo a pill to swallow, and since you should always take strange pills that a stranger gives you, Neo swallows it and reality collapses into a dream and he wakes up in the Real World.

Morpheus finds Neo and takes him on his ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. Morpheus is the captain, Trinity is a crewmember, and there are a few other crewmembers including the shady Cypher (Joe Pantoliano). Neo finds out the truth about the Matrix. Humans developed machines that got too smart and that lead to a war and that lead to us getting our asses kicked. Now the bulk of mankind is harvested for energy. The Matrix is a simulated reality that the controlled humans are connected to. The world that they know is a computer program.

Neo learns that he can manipulate the computer program, that he can bend the rules of gravity and physics and learn Kung Fu. Morpheus believes that Neo is the One, that he will end the war between the machines. Neo doubts himself; he can’t quite free his mind. Neo learns all the rules about the Matrix, and he learns that the Agents are bad. Especially Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving).

So there’s a bunch of philosophical hoopla about the nature of reality and prophecy and fate vs. freewill. They visit the Oracle and she talks to Neo about his future. She tells him what he needs to hear. Then the shady Cypher is revealed to be working for the Agents. He sells out his crew and tips off their location. Morpheus gets captured, the unnecessary crewmembers die, and now its time for Neo to man up and save Morpheus.

They get a shit ton of guns and have a cool fire fight and kill lots of innocent guards who aren’t agents or evil. They decided not to bring spare magazines, so each time the clip runs out they just whip out a new gun. I guess it’s easier to just carry 20 guns rather than reloading. Neo and Trinity rescue Morpheus. Trinity and Morpheus go back to the real world, and Neo gets attacked by Agent Smith. And Neo stands his ground for a while, but then he runs away like a bitch. Just as he’s about to exit the Matrix, he gets shot. And he dies. And then Trinity kisses him and he comes back to life. And now he’s the One. And then he kills Agent Smith, but not really, because Agent Smith comes back in the sequels. But we don’t know that yet. But for now, Neo has saved the day, and things are looking up for mankind

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Quick factoid: Will Smith turned down the part of Neo to star in Wild Wild West. Thank god, because he would have ruined this movie. Keanu Reeves is not a good actor, but he is perfect for Neo. He lets the events unfold around him, he doesn’t talk much, and he just reacts and looks bewildered by everything. And it suits the movie perfectly.

The action was and still is amazing. The fight choreography is as good as it gets. The bullet time sequence is one of the coolest shots in history. The action is great, but this film works because the action and philosophical scenes go hand in hand. This is a smart movie. The sequels tried to be smart and got pretentious

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If you haven’t seen this movie in a while, go back and watch it. There’s a great buildup, and the dialog is very layered. There’s a lot more to The Matrix than you might remember. It deserved to be the start of a franchise. And even though the Wachowski Brothers went kind of crazy, the Matrix Universe is still worth exploring.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Saving Movie Stubs

You went and saw the biggest blockbuster. It’s not enough to say that you saw it, you need to prove it. The best way to prove it is to present your ticket stub. I saw The Avengers on May 4th, motherfucker. You don’t believe me?!? Here’s my stub, bitch. Saving movie stubs is important. It’s proof of purchase. And how else are you going to remember what crappy movies you saw in theaters 30 years from now. You gotta talk to your kids about something some day, why not make it mediocre movie experiences?

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Teen Wolf (film)

Rod Daniel directs Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. Michael J. Fox plays Scott Howard, an average teenager who wishes he wasn’t so average. And then he finds out he’s a werewolf. It’s a coming of age story and it’s also a werewolf comedy. People did a lot of cocaine in the ‘80s.

Scott plays for his shitty high school basketball team. He likes a girl named Pamela, but she’s dating a jerk/jock/bully named Mick. He doesn’t notice that his friend Boof has a crush on him. Boof is a stupid name. I hate it. Scott also has a party animal friend named Stiles.

Scott starts to notice changes. Not your standard puberty stuff, but sometimes he grows claws or gets pointy ears or suddenly has fur. It turns out that he’s a werewolf. This movie is different from most werewolf movies because his condition is genetic. He wasn’t bitten by a werewolf, he was always had werewolf genes thanks to his werewolf father. Werewolves aren’t uncontrollable monsters. They are just furry people who are good at basketball for some reason.

Scott uses his werewolfism to win games and become more popular. And you better believe there are multiple montages showcasing how awesome being a teen wolf is. He even gets laid by his dream girl, but she turns out to be a bitch.

Scott eventually realizes that there’s a downside to being a werewolf, and he’s not sure how to handle his popularity. He loses sight of who he is for a while, but eventually decides he needs to tame the wolf. So he plays the championship game as his regular human self (his tiny human self). And somehow the team wins. Because it’s Hollywood and little white people are amazing at basketball. And he finds happiness and love with Boof, the girl who loved him all along.

I think the message of the movie is clear: ignore what makes you special and unique and act like everyone else and you will be happy.

Mark Holton plays Chubby, one of the teammates on the basketball team. Here is a well-developed character. His name is Chubby and he is chubby. His locker is filled with food and snacks, because fat people stash food everywhere. He even plays in a game while eating an apple. Anyone who thinks Hollywood has shoddy writers needs to study Chubby’s character arc.

Teen Wolf is not the best werewolf movie. It doesn’t try to be. It doesn’t take itself seriously. I don’t know how or why it was made, but people did a lot of cocaine in the ‘80s. I’ve seen this movie a pretty decent amount of times. It’s on TV a lot. If you see it, check it out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Skittlebrau

One of the many zany things that the Simpsons have brought to the world is Skittlebrau, the beer that has candy floating in it. Apu said it doesn’t exist and that Homer probably imagined it, but it inspired me to try it. People add slices of fruit to beer all the time, so why not add fruit candy? Skittlebrau works best with lagers; IPAs and Ales are too hoppy to taste the rainbow. I don’t float the Skittles in the beer, that would be a waste of Skittles and beer. Instead I pop a few Skittles in my mouth and wash it down with a swig or two. It gives the beer a fruity flavor. It actually improves the taste if you are drinking a swill beer or a forty. Skittles and beer go hand in hand. Skittles are good. Beer is great. Good + Great = Amazing.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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