Cats are the most popular pets in the USA and in the UK. More popular than dogs, more popular than fish, and way more popular than deranged chimpanzees that go on face-biting rampages. Dogs are loyal, loving, and obvious. Cats are shady, manipulative, and conniving. You can’t trust them, you can’t tell what they are thinking, and it seems like they are always analyzing the best way to kill you.

Cats are killing machines. That’s not a setup for a joke. That’s a cold hard fact. Cats are compulsive killers. They are designed to stalk, hunt, and eliminate. Their teeth are like daggers; their claws are super sharp, perfect for slashing and doubling as grappling hooks. Their paws are designed for killing and climbing, while the docile dog has paws made for digging and running long distances. Cats can hear higher frequencies than dogs (almost as good as bats), and their vision is superior to ours in a lot of ways. Not only do they see 6x better in darkness than us, but their eyes also act as magnifying lenses. They practically have superpowers.

Dogs wear their hearts on their sleeve, while cats have a hidden agenda.  Most dog breeds were bred for laborious reasons; we have a working relationship with them. They rely on us, they want to serve us, and they want to please us… Cats use us for free food. They don’t need us, they just put up with us. Some people have housecats, and make sure Mr. Buttons is confined to the house at all times. That is not a real cat. Real cats go outside at night and wreak havoc on the neighborhood. They stalk, hunt, and cause chaos, just for shits and giggles, and then they come home for a gourmet canned delicacy.

You might notice that cats like to rub their cheeks and face on you as they seek attention. You might mistake that as a sign of affection. They are really marking you with their scent. Rubbing against you is the feline equivalent of a dog peeing on your face to establish his territory.

City cats are like gangs. They have clear territories and social hierarchies. A tomcat (an unneutered and all natural) is at the top of the totem pole. A successful tomcat’s turf can be up to a square mile, ideally encompassing as many females cats in heat as possible. Their only rivals are other tomcats. Neutered cats can’t breed and consequently aren’t a threat. So if you want your cat to be tough, let him keep his balls.

Most cats are selfish bitches with a thirst for blood and murder. I might be misquoting the Discovery Channel, but cats are evil. There are a few good cats but they are the exception to the rule. I had five family cats growing up. Only one is worth talking about. His name was Roofus, my uncle found him on the street when he was a kitten and we adopted him. The tip of his tail was missing and someone tried to glue it back on. It didn’t work. Roofus was an outdoor cat, and each night we would set him loose on the neighborhood. We never knew what he was up to most of the time, but we were able to glimpse the occasional catfight. Sometime he would show up with mementos of his deeds like dead birds, rodents, and even a bat one time. One day he came home with a missing fang. I often wonder what unlucky animal ended up with that embedded in its skull.

I’m not trying to reminisce here. I’m trying to make a point. Roofus was a badass, but he was still a cat. There’s no denying that cats have personalities, but they are too reclusive. They are reserved and always seem to have their guard up. Way too enigmatic. I can’t get behind that. Cats might be the most popular pets in America but that doesn’t mean anything. Jersey Shore is really popular too. And don’t get me started on Twilight.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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