Tag Archives: facebook

Ghetto Writing

Ghetto writing is when your average pampered white guy goes on the Internet and intentionally spells words wrong, switching back and forth between upper and lower case letters, and generally going out of their way to make their comment unreadable. It’s usually something like, “AlL dA bItChEz N hOeZ nEeD tA nOw ThAt I aInT pHuKiN aRoNd WhEn I sAi ThAt Im GoNnA gEt YoU!! u JuSt aCt HaRd, U aInT sHiT 2 mE. I dO wAt I wAnT wHeN i WaNt n U bItcHeZ cAn SuCk iT!”

They basically go out of their way to be retarded. The basic rule of writing is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to keep your writing as clear and concise as possible. If it’s hard to write, it’s hard to read. You don’t want your audience struggling to decipher each word of each sentence. They won’t read it if they can’t read it, and you wrote all ghetto for nothing. You might think it looks cool, but nobody else does.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Unfriending Someone

I just did a little spring cleaning on my Facebook account and deleted a few people. Some people post too much stupid shit way too often and I get sick of seeing it. I know you can change the settings so that their shit doesn’t show up on your wall but it’s more fun to completely remove them from your life. Unfriending someone is like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders. Now I don’t have to see your ugly face in my newsfeed anymore and life is so much better. I wonder if you’ll ever notice that I unfriended you. I hope you do and request to be my friend just so I can unfriend you again. That would be so sweet.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Check In

People like to go places and check in on Facebook or Foursquare. It’s a way of making your life seem more interesting than it actually is. Nobody really cares that you’re getting a burger, but everyone will like it if you check in at In-N-Out. People like to check in places and tag friends almost as much as they like Instagramming their food. Someone will do the obligatory check in whenever there’s a small party or get together. Everybody will get tagged except for one person, and they will inevitably comment on the check in to let everyone else know that they were there too. Check ins can be useful. I’ve met up with friends because I’ve seen that they were in the neighborhood. Businesses and establishments like the free advertising. It’s also a great way to tell the Internet that you’re not home so they can totally ransack your house and kill your goldfish. I like to abuse the check in system and tag friends that I’m not with. It can cause chaos and friction when people think that Jon came to town and didn’t tell them personally or even try to hang out. Then they’ll think that Jon’s a jerk and get mad at him. And I just laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Liking Your Own Status

Liking your own status is presumptuous. It’s not proper netiquette. If your status is worthy of being Liked, then someone will Like it. You don’t need to click the Like Button yourself to get it started. That’s what bums do. A panhandler will put a dollar in his cup, because it breaks the seal and other people will be more likely to give a donation. Liking your own status is like putting a dollar in your cup.  It also makes you seem full of yourself. Remember the story of Narcissus? He was so full of himself that he fell in love with his reflection. He couldn’t stop looking at himself and he wasted away and died. If he were alive today, he would be Liking his own Facebook status. That’s what narcissists do.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Misusing the Like Button

A lot of people don’t know how to use the Like button on Facebook. Some people seem use it as confirmation that they have seen your post instead of actually liking the content. For example, you’ll post about how you’re sad because your dog died and five people will like your status. What exactly do they like? The fact that you’re sad or that your dog is dead? Sometimes you’ll say something like, “Feeling trapped and want to get out of the city for a few hours. Anyone want to go on a day trip?” You’ll get a notification and think that you have a partner in crime, but it’s just some douche that clicked the Like button for no reason. You asked a question and didn’t get a response, but apparently your question is likable, so that’s nice. The Like button should only be used if you actually like what you’re Liking, otherwise you’ll seem insensitive or stupid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Announcing That You’re Quitting a Social Media Site

Announcing that you’re quitting a social media site is a transparently desperate plea for attention. I constantly see posts on Facebook and Twitter denouncing Facebook and Twitter: “Sorry guys, I’ve had enough. I’m leaving Facebook for good. Sorry, but e-mail me if you want to stay in touch. Ciao!” First off, shut the fuck up. Secondly, nobody will notice. Nobody cares. I mean nobody. Nobody will confront you on the street, asking why you won’t comment on their statuses or like pictures of their dog wearing people clothes. Nobody will miss your witty status updates or your impressive check-ins. Nobody likes them now, that’s probably why you’re quitting. But if you want to quit than quit. Just shut the fuck up about it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Status Worthy

Shit happens. Shit happens all the time, every day, to everybody. And when something happens to you, you want to share it with the world. But you should ask yourself if it’s status worthy before you post it on Facebook. Bitching about how much work you have to do is not status worthy. Nobody cares and nobody wants to hear it. Nobody cares about the mundane. Your status should be noteworthy, that’s why they call it a newsfeed. It’s supposed to be news, it’s supposed to be interesting, intriguing, and relevant. Things that are status worthy: getting a new job, running into a celebrity, grandma/grandpa/someone dying, and stuff like that. Things that aren’t status worthy: Bible quotes, song lyrics, what you had for dinner, an intentionally vague status that’s just a cry for attention, et cetera. I realize that everybody is guilty of posting crap that nobody cares about, but we can make the Internet a better place if we try, one status at a time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Killing Time on the Internet

There are quite a few websites on the Internet these days. Over a thousand by some estimates. So while in the old days when people would go outside or socialize with a friend face to face, these days people surf the World Wide Web. Killing time on the Internet is quickly becoming a pastime. Instant gratification is supremely satisfying. If you are unsure how to pass time before work or bedtime, there’s YouTube and Google and Wikipedia and Facebook. For some people there’s still AOL. I don’t know why, but it’s still there. There’s a lot of porn out there too apparently. I’m going to have to look into that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Responding to your Birthday Posts with a Status Update

Congratulations, it’s your birthday. And you got about a hundred posts on your Facebook wishing you a happy birthday. Each one of those people went out of their way to wish you a happy birthday. Some of them even mean it. And you honor that by responding to your birthday posts with a status update thanking them. That’s not proper netiquette. If a bunch of people individually wish you well on your date of birth, you should individually respond to them. Announcing to the internet that it’s your birthday and thanking them for acknowledging it is like yelling “THANK YOU” into a bullhorn: you sound like an asshole and you look like an asshole. Clicking the Like button on each post is the same damn thing. I know it’s your birthday, and I’m really glad that you made it another year without dying. You can at least respond with a simple “Thank You!” if someone tells you “Happy Birthday!!!”. You can even cut and paste the “Thank You!” if you want. At least that shows a little effort. Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you are above using manners.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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The Social Network

Michael Cera stars as Tom Anderson in The Social Network, a biopic about the rise and fall of MySpace. Tobey Maguire and Lance Bass play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on MySpace, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

Oh man, I crack myself up. David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club), directs Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on Facebook, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

This movie is not about Facebook. It is about a good idea that’s worth money, and how money changes people. Mark Zuckerberg, a computer genius going to Harvard University, is recruited by the Winklevoss twins to help them develop a social network exclusive to Harvard students. Mark takes their idea, improves upon it, and launches thefacebook, with the help of his best friend and business partner Eduardo Saverin (Andrew “New Spider-Man” Garfield).

As thefacebook starts to blow up, the Winklevoss brothers begin to challenge Mark over stealing their idea, eventually deciding to sue. The site’s potential catches the eye of Sean Parker, the creator of Napster. Justin (N*Sync) Timberlake plays Sean Parker, and Sean’s ideas like simply calling the site Facebook add to the potential value of the social network. Sean doesn’t think that Eduardo is a good fit for the company, and Sean and Mark begin to phase him out of the company. Eduardo gets a little pissed and decides to sue.

The story is framed by Mark sitting in rooms surrounded by suits, dealing with separate lawsuits from his former best friend and the Winklevossi. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is based on a true story. That doesn’t make this a documentary. This film captures the vibe of Facebook’s creation and that’s more important than a step by step recreation of the site’s development. Both Sorkin’s script and Eisenberg’s performance make Zuckerberg a hero, but you don’t necessarily sympathize with him. Mark Zuckerberg might have stolen ideas, but he created Facebook, and the film makes that clear. He might be arrogant and treat people badly sometimes, but you never hate him.

James Garfield does a great job as Eduardo Saverin. He’s still kind of a newcomer, but in case you’ve been living under a rock, he was cast as the lead in the new Spider-Man reboot. It’s pretty safe to say that with this supporting role and the lead role in a guaranteed blockbuster will cement his status as a box office draw for the next few years.

Justin Timberlake’s music sucks. His solo career rips off 1980’s Michael Jackson. His pop group career rips off the Backstreet Boys and they ripped off New Kids on the Block. Justin Timberlake the singer sucks. But Justin Timberlake the actor is surprisingly good. I don’t want to admit that I like Justin Timberlake, so that means he is actually good. He is a natural on camera. In his first scene, he’s a suave ladies man, he seems cool and relaxed. Later after he ousts Eduardo from Facebook, he flinches when Eduardo feigns a punch. He tries to recover and regain his composure, but you see a crack in his armor. Justin Timberlake created a genuine moment on screen. He made Parker the second most interesting character in the movie, and there are a few interesting characters.

This is a great movie all around. Trent Reznor’s soundtrack is solid. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is solid. David Fincher’s direction is solid. The cast is solid. Even if Facebook fades away, this movie will still be good. It might not be relevant, but it will still be good.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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