June 17, 2013 · 10:00 am

Mirror Maze

A mirror maze is a common attraction at fairs and amusement parks. It’s a maze in which the walls are lined with mirrors, making it much harder to find your way out. It’s really easy to get disorientated. You can cheat and look at the ground, but that’s not fun. You want to get lost. You want to get confused. That’s why you went in. What you think is a straight hallway is really a dead end. You’ll think that you can go left, but end up smacking face first into a mirror. You’ll see your friend walking towards you and suddenly there’s three of him and you’re not sure which one is real and which ones are reflections. You would lose your mind if you weren’t so busy laughing. It’s fun, but I wouldn’t spend more than a few bucks to do it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 17, 2013 · 9:58 am

X-Men: The Dark Phoenix Saga

Writer Chris Claremont and illustrator John Byrne are the creative team behind one of the most important and influential comic storylines in Marvel’s history. The plot centers on Jean Grey’s transformation into the Dark Phoenix, a being of god-like power with the potential to destroy the universe. Jean Grey’s true power starts to emerge and it’s too much for her to handle. Cyclops agonizes as the woman that he loves becomes a threat to the entire universe, and he must lead the X-Men in a fight to defeat one of their own. The basic storyline was ripped off and butchered in X-Men: The Last Stand. The comic is obviously better and also involves the corrupt and evil Hellfire Club, as well as a cosmic battle between the X-Men and the Shi’ar Imperial Guard over the fate of Jean Grey/the entire universe. Not only is it considered a classic; it also introduced readers to the Dazzler and a young Kitty Pride. There are a lot of X-Men comics out there; this is a good one to start with.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2013 · 8:08 am

Father’s Day (day, not the shitty movie)

Today is Father’s Day, a day in which you honor your father by giving him a necktie that he will never wear. Most families have their own Father’s Day traditions, like eating at a moderately priced restaurant, going to the movies, fishing or hunting, or simply going for a drive. It’s just a day to let your pops know that you’re glad he put his penis in your mom and ejaculated all those years ago. You can also thank him for raising you, supporting you financially, and for putting up with all the bullshit things you did growing up. Father’s Day can also be a sore subject for some people. Some people can’t celebrate it, some people don’t want to. But if you have a chance (or even the slightest inkling), you should call your dad and have a chat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2013 · 8:06 am

Singing the Wrong Part

You’re driving down the street and your favorite song comes on. You crank up the volume and start singing along and bobbing your head to the beat. You’re anticipating your favorite part coming up, and as it comes you belt it out with conviction and gusto. And then you realize that you’re singing the wrong part and it’s pretty obvious to anyone listening to you. And you feel like a fool. Maybe you don’t know the song as well as you thought. Singing the wrong part isn’t a big deal, but it’s the universe’s way of telling you to shut the fuck up and keep quiet. You shouldn’t sing the song if you don’t know the song. And your voice sucks too, so there’s another reason to be quiet.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2013 · 9:03 am

Harry Potter Movies Ranked in Descending Order

Harry Potter is one of the most successful book franchises of all time, so it was pretty much a given that Hollywood would turn them into movies, and that’s what Warner Bros. did. I’ve watched them (multiple times), and now I’ve ranked them in descending order.

#8: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The sixth book became the worst movie for a variety of reasons, but the biggest problem is that it’s boring as fuck. The book was mostly exposition and setup for the final installment, and nothing that exciting happens. And as a result, nothing that exciting happens in the movie.  It loses all the momentum that the series was building up. You go from Goblet of Fire to Order of the Phoenix and suddenly everything slows down. It’s huge step backwards.

            #7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. The final book was split into a two-part movie because there would be no satisfactory way to wrap up the series in a 2-hour movie. And because they would make a shitload more money. You don’t really need to see this movie; it’s mostly just Harry, Hermione, and Ron hiding in the woods for the duration of the running time. You might like it if you’re a fan of wizard camping. It’s slightly less boring than Half-Blood Prince, which is why it’s slightly higher up on the list. But not by much. I actually own all the Harry Potter movies, except for this one. It’s not essential viewing.

#6: Harry Potter and Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone. The first Harry Potter movie deserves a lot of credit for introducing the Boy Who Lived to the big screen. But it’s too much of a kid’s movie. It’s too light, too family friendly, and it has the worst acting and special effects in the whole series. Some parts are truly painful to watch.

#5: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This is one of the most loyal adaptations in the series, and it’s almost a direct translation of the book. The special effects and acting have only slightly approved over the first movie, and it’s still a children’s movie. The basilisk scene is one of the highlights of the first two movies, but I really hate the flying car scene (especially when Harry falls out of the car for no fucking reason other than to add unnecessary tension).

            #4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. There was a lot of internal debate from the studio about breaking up Goblet of Fire into two movies because the book was so long. They decided not to, and the movie suffers as a result. It’s too incomplete and leaves too much stuff out. It’s really annoying when they go to the Quidditch World Cup but they don’t show any fucking Quidditch. Or omitting most of the cool shit that happens during the final task in the maze. And they eliminate the mystery by practically telling you that Mad-Eye Moody is really Barty Crouch, Jr. The biggest redeeming qualities of this flick are the scenes with the Hungarian Horntail and the graveyard return of Voldemort.

#3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. This is the epic conclusion to the HP saga and they do it right. Everything comes down to this, and the bulk of the film happens during one long day. The special effects, the acting, the action sequences are all amazing. It’s a roller coaster ride, and you don’t want it to end and then it does, and then you realize you have nothing else to look forward to. There are no more books to read, no more movies to watch, and a part of your life is over when the movie is over.

#2: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. This was the longest book and it became one of the shortest movies in the series. They leave a lot out. But they capture the tone and feel of the book. Whenever they leave something out, they still allude to it. The movie flows and it works. Gary Oldman doesn’t get much screen time as Sirius Black, but makes his presence known with a few key scenes and subtle dialog with Harry. The battle at the Ministry of Magic was everything you hoped it would be. And the epic fight between Dumbledore and Voldemort is one of the best moments of the entire series. I will put on the movie just to watch that part.

            #1: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This was the movie that inspired me to finally read the books. It’s not perfect, but I still think it’s better than its bookly counterpart. I don’t like the whole time travelling subplot, but the film handles it better than the book. And it’s not the movie’s fault that the book had a stupid time travelling shtick. Alfonso Cuarón is responsible for the best movie in the franchise. He successfully turned a kid’s book into an art house blockbuster. He was able to take Chris Columbus’ foundation and J.K. Rowling’s book and delivered a faithful translation to the source material, but he still able to make it his own. You can enjoy the film even if you aren’t a Potter fan.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2013 · 8:59 am

Trying to Sleep When You Know You Can’t

Tomorrow is a big day. Maybe you have an important presentation at work, maybe you’re meeting up with an old friend, maybe you have to get up early for a flight, and so you decide that you’ll be responsible and go to bed early. You get into bed, close your eyes, and wait to drift off to sleep. But sleep’s not coming. You start tossing and turning, your mind starts racing, and you glance at the time and realize it’s been two and half hours and your brain’s still not shutting down. You try counting sheep, but give up once you hit a thousand. As the night slips away, you get more and more anxious. You start to panic, you start to get mad at yourself for not being able to sleep, you start dreading about how tired you’re going to be the next day. Trying to sleep when you know you can’t is a frustrating exercise in futility. Don’t try to force yourself to sleep because you will go crazy. Sleep is like a sexy lady: the more desperate you are to get it, the more she plays hard to get. It’s only when you give up and play it cool that she creeps up on you and you get some… I wish sexy ladies were more like sleep.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 14, 2013 · 10:19 am

Vsauce

Vsauce is a YouTube channel that produces short and entertaining educational videos on a variety of topics. There’s a sense of community on Vsauce. The host and creator, Michael Stevens, opens each video with his traditional greeting, “Hey Vsauce, Michael here…” before he dives into whichever question inspired the video. Most of the videos are in direct response to a subscriber’s question, and people ask some pretty awesome questions like “What if the Sun disappeared?” and “Why do we play games?” Vsauce is one of those channels that you can’t escape from. You’ll watch a video that somebody shared on Facebook, and then get linked to another interesting one, and then another topic will grab your attention, and before you realize that it’s 3:00 in the morning and you have to go to bed. But you don’t want to, so you watch one more video. It’s addicting. Trust me. I watched three Vsauce videos while writing this. So check them out, it’s a great way to kill time and expand your mind.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 14, 2013 · 10:16 am

A Blank Page

A blank page is opportunity. It’s a new chance, a clean slate, a new beginning. You can use the space however you want, and create what ever you want. You can draw, you can write, you can make a paper airplane. A blank page is potential. A blank page can change the world. The Declaration of Independence was once a mere piece of parchment.  The founding fathers could have just have easily used that blank page to wipe their asses. A blank page can be used for anything. For example, I had no idea what I would initially write about when I first opened a blank page, and I ended up writing about a blank page. And as I started writing, it stopped being a blank page. Each letter, each sentence becomes an intrepid explorer, venturing further and further into the unknown. Who knew where we would end up? On second thought, maybe I should have used this blank page to wipe my ass. It’s pretty shitty already.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2013 · 10:15 am

Forgetting Why You Requested Time Off

Every once in a while when my work schedule is posted, I’ll notice that I have a few consecutive days off. I work 5-6 days a week, so that usually means that I requested the time off for something. But I don’t always remember why I requested it off. My boss requires a few weeks notification for time off requests, and I don’t have a planner/datebook/calendar to keep track of important dates, and Facebook usually handles my appointments, so it will occasionally slip my mind if there’s not an FB event for it. But Facebook can still come to the rescue for when you forget why you request time off. All you have to do is make a status and say: “I requested July 5-8 off, and I can’t remember why.” Before you know it, you’ll have five responses reminding you about the camping trip that you planned at the bar. And it’s like a bonus vacation from your drunk self. Forgetting why you requested time off sucks, but at least you have time off now. Even if you can’t remember what you were supposed to do, you could always do something else instead. A vacation is a vacation, and a vacation always beats work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2013 · 10:12 am

Anchor California Lager

California Lager is another delicious offering from the Anchor Brewing Company in San Francisco. They are best known for Anchor Steam, but I think California Lager has the potential to usurp its position as the brewery’s flagship beer. People like lagers and people like California, so it’s only fitting that they would be enticed by a lager from California that’s called California Lager. It has a 4.9% alcohol content, which is in the average range for lagers.  It’s crisp and refreshing, and hoppier than most lagers. It tastes kind of like Stella Artois, but with more of an attitude. It’s a great day beer, ideal for hot summer days and backyard barbeques. I like it. And you’ll like it too if you’re a fan of good beer.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 12, 2013 · 9:10 am

Emperor Norton

You can be anything you want to be in San Francisco and people will go along with it. One guy took it to the extreme and proclaimed himself to be the Emperor of the United States (and Protector of Mexico). Joshua Abraham Norton moved to the city by the bay in 1849, and by 1859 he had lost all his money and went a little crazy. Rather than do the reasonable thing and killing himself, he wrote a letter declaring himself to be the Emperor of the United States and it was published by several city newspapers. Instead of simply ignoring him, the city embraced him and mutually decided that if the crazy guy wants to be the Emperor, he can be the Emperor. He strolled the streets in a donated blue uniform, and when it became too worn and raggedy the city bought him a replacement. He ate for free at the best restaurants, was always reserved a seat for the newest play or concert, and was known all around the city and the world. He made his own money and businesses actually accepted it. He prohibited the use of “Frisco” and anyone caught saying it had to pay a $25 fine. He proposed a League of Nations and a bridge spanning the gap between SF and Oakland, decades before the United Nations and the Bay Bridge became a reality. He believed in diplomacy and equality, and stopped a potential race war between the white citizens and the Chinese immigrants. He even tried to abolish the Democratic and Republican parties. He might have been crazy, but he was still a visionary.

            A cop once arrested him for being legally insane. The city didn’t take kindly to that and he was soon released. The police chief issued an apology stating, “He had shed no blood; robbed no one; and despoiled no country; which is more than can be said of his fellows in the line.” From that day on, all of the SF policemen would salute him whenever they saw him. On January 8, 1880, Emperor Norton collapsed in the street and passed away before help arrived. He died in complete poverty, with only a few bucks to his name and some random Emperor-related nick-nacks. But over 30,000 people went to his funeral, so you can’t say that he died with nothing. He became a legend, an icon, and a celebrated symbol of San Francisco. Emperor Norton had a fascinating life, but I’m worried that his legacy is fading. Not enough people know about him these days. He has one hell of a story, and it would make a great movie or miniseries. Hollywood needs to get on that. Norton: The Compelling True Story of a Guy Who Wanted to be Emperor and the City That Let Him. And it should star Edward Norton (for obvious reasons).

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 12, 2013 · 9:08 am

Jarritos Mexican Cola

If you’ve ever gone to a real burrito place or taco shop, then you’re probably familiar with Jarritos, the popular soda brand from Mexico. They make a lot of fruit flavored sodas, but they also make cola, specifically Mexican Cola. They use real sugar, and it creates a more authentic cola taste. It’s sweeter than Coke and it’s less acidic. I want to say that it’s better than Coke, but brand loyalty won’t let me admit it. Let’s just say that if I had a choice between a can of Coke or a bottle of Jarritos, I would choose the Jarritos. But if it were a choice between Jarritos or a bottle of Mexican Coke made with real cane sugar, I would choose the Coke. Either way, Mexico wins. But the real winner is real sugar. High-fructose corn syrup is not an adequate substitute.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 11, 2013 · 9:22 am

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist is a 2008 comedy about two teenagers searching for love and their drunken friend on a crazy night in New York City. Michael Cera is Nick and Kat Dennings is Norah, and together they are Nick & Norah, and they have an infinite playlist. Nick has recently been dumped by his girlfriend, Tris (played by Alexis Dziena) and spends his days making mix CDs in an attempt to win her back. What he doesn’t know is that Tris simply throws them away. Norah has never met Nick, but she appreciates his taste in music and rescues his mix CDs from the trash. She has a slight crush on Nick because of this, even though she’s never met him.

            Nick’s two gay bandmates are tired of him moping around and they drag him out for a night on the town when they find out that his favorite band is playing a secret show somewhere in the city. Norah also finds out about the show, and she recruits her friend, Caroline (Ari Graynor), to help her track down the band. All the main characters end up at the same club, and Tris starts giving Norah grief for showing up alone. Norah lies and says that she’s there with her boyfriend to save face. Then she asks Nick to pretend to be her boyfriend and kisses him, unaware that this is the same guy that has been sending all those mixes to Tris. The gay bandmates see this and decided to set up Nick with Norah. They offer to drive Caroline home (who is now super drunk), so that Norah and Nick can get to know each other while they look for the secret show.

            Nick starts the night obsessing over Tris, but he gradually starts noticing Norah. Norah has a guy on the side (Jay Burachel) that complicates things a bit. Nick and Norah spend the night together getting to know each other, and naturally the bandmates somehow lose Caroline, and they have to search for her drunk ass and find clues as to where the band is going to play. Tris is now jealous of Norah and spends the rest of the night trying to get Nick’s attention. Will Nick and Norah end up together? Will they ever find the drunk girl? Will they ever find the secret gig?

The acting is so-so. It’s yet another Michael Cera film where he plays Michael Cera. Kat Dennings looks like she’s about to fall asleep at any moment. She looks bored even when she’s smiling. I have to give credit to Ari Graynor playing the blacked out Caroline. She has some of the best moments in the film, and she drives the story in a lot of ways.

This is a pretty serviceable high school movie, but it’s really not that good. There are a few things that bug me. First of all, the main characters are all in high school, but the movie takes place entirely at night in New York City. And they go to a bunch of clubs looking for the band… those clubs can’t be cool if they let fucking 18-year-olds in. My biggest beef upon reflection is that Nick and Norah are both straight edge. They don’t drink or do drugs. That’s not a bad thing necessarily, but it annoys the shit out of me. It’s a teen comedy. Why are the two main characters sober? It’s preachy. It’s boring. It would never happen in real life. You can’t stay up all night in NYC unless you’re being fueled by something illegal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 11, 2013 · 9:17 am

Neglected Drinks

If you’re a bartender or if you’ve ever hosted a party, you know all about neglected drinks. Neglected drinks are beers or cocktails that have been abandoned, either accidently or intentionally. Some are just a few swigs away from being finished, some of them have a few sips taken out of them, and some of them haven’t even been touched at all (which is the biggest crime of all). Alcohol is precious. It takes a lot of time to brew a beer or distill a spirit. So don’t waste it. If you don’t like it, give it to your drunk friend who will drink anything. You don’t need to set it down somewhere and pretend to forget about it. And if you’re already wasted, practice some self-control and stop ordering drinks if you can’t handle any more liquor. Neglected drinks need to stop. There are sober kids in China.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 10, 2013 · 9:20 am

X-Men: Age of Apocalypse (comic)

How much difference can one man make? Well, a lot, especially if we’re talking about Charles Xavier. Even if you’ve never read any X-Men comics or seen the movies, you still know that Charles Xavier is the leader of a group of mutants known as the X-Men. The Age of Apocalypse storyline explores what the world would be like without one of the key characters in the Marvel Universe. A time-traveling assassin goes back in time to when Magneto and Xavier are still friends, and tries to assassinate Magneto, but Xavier sacrifices himself to save his friend. Xavier dies and Magneto vows to keep Xavier’s dream of mutant and human harmony alive. With the death of Xavier, the immortal and evil mutant Apocalypse decides this is the perfect time to conquer the world.

            Things are definitely different without Xavier. The world has gone to shit. Most of your favorite characters have changed, some of them drastically. Like Wolverine isn’t Wolverine, he’s known as Weapon X and he’s missing a hand. And Cyclops is working for the bad guys. Age of Apocalypse isn’t just a comic; it’s a comic crossover, spanning multiple titles. You could track down and collect all of the individual issues, or you could just buy the 4-volume Complete Age of Apocalypse Epic trade paperback. With so many different titles and issues, there is obviously a lot of shit going on and it’s pretty overwhelming at first. The story goes all over the place and there are quite a few unnecessary subplots. It takes a lot of time to introduce characters and set up the plot, and it gradually gets more coherent. You’ll still be scratching your head over some plot holes and developments, but the overall story is satisfying.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 10, 2013 · 9:17 am

Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch

Ruffles chips are good, but they are boring. They realized that they weren’t extreme enough, so the suits got together and created Ruffles Ultimate, and they came up with a few hardcore flavors for your hardcore hunger. And Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch is one of those hardcore flavors. It’s has a cool, creamy ranch taste, and the jalapeño flavor gives it a kick (maybe that’s why it’s kickin’). The jalapeño sneaks up on you. You won’t think it’s that spicy until it hits you a few chips in. It tastes pretty good by itself, you don’t need any dip. I don’t think they are strong enough to handle dip. They look sturdy but they break easily.  They have a nice crunch to them, but they leave residue on your fingers. They are worth trying, but I don’t think it’s going to dominate the market any time soon.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 9, 2013 · 9:52 am

Adventureland

Adventureland is a 2009 comedy about a college grad who takes a summer job at theme park called Adventureland. Jesse Eisenberg stars as James Brennan, who had dreams about going to Europe for the summer and going to Columbia University in the fall, but things fall through and he ends up taking a shitty seasonal job at the local amusement park. He’s the new guy and Joel (Martin Starr) takes him under his wing and introduces him to his coworkers and shows him the ropes. He meets a bunch of new people and starts crushing on a girl named Em (Kristen Stewart). They start hanging out, they share a kiss, but things are complicated because she’s having an ongoing affair with another coworker named Connell. Connell (Ryan Reynolds) is the park technician and an amateur musician, and he pretends to be cooler than he is. James is the only one who sees through his charade, but he never calls him out for his bullshit.

            It’s kind of like a high school comedy, except that instead of being about a high school student, it’s about a college graduate trying to lose his virginity and finding true love in the process. Of course nothing is that simple and hilarity ensues. And no matter how outrageous it gets at times, it’s still honest. It was written and directed by Greg Mottola (Superbad), You can tell it was a personal project for him. It’s period piece set in 1987, around the time when Mottola would be the same age as his characters. It kind of reminds me of Waiting… It’s about a bunch of crazy people working at a crazy place, and Ryan Reynolds plays a cocky guy with insecure tendencies in both. It’s quirky but sincere, and it’s smarter than it pretends to be.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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