The Sandman

The Sandman is one of the best comics out there. Neil Gaiman is more than a writer; he is an absorber of everything that is the human condition. He crafts complex narratives spanning across reality and the depths of dream, resulting in a work of pure genius.

The Sandman is about Morpheus, AKA the Sandman, AKA Dream. He is one of the 7 Siblings of the Endless, along with Death, Destruction, Desire, Despair, Destiny and Delirium. Morpheus weaves in and out of a complex tale involving family values and choosing his fate. There are occasional self-contained stories as well. Historical figures, myths, legends, comic book characters, living gods and forgotten gods help or hinder Morpheus as he deals with the mistakes of his past.

Morpheus is Dream. He controls the dreaming. Dreams can take you anywhere and they convey that in the books. There are stories set in Shakespeare’s day, in 1850’s San Francisco, in modern times, in ancient times, this story takes you places and across time. And it all fits and serves the story.

This is a very dense saga that takes place over 75 issues, and separated into ten volumes. Each volume could be read by itself, but there is an overall narrative. You should read the entire series to fully appreciate Gaiman’s talent. There is a lot more than you could possible take in during one read. You need to read the entire series at least 3 times to truly appreciate how complex and well thought out the story is. There are many story arcs and subplots involving Morpheus and the ones whose lives he has effected. The whole story comes full circle and the story arcs established in the first volume get completed in a satisfactory way.

The Sandman is more than a comic. It is a celebration of history, myths, literature, and human nature. It is a philosophical workout. It is a masterpiece.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda

A&W might be better known for their root beer and cheese curds, but they also make a good cream soda. Cream soda is an underrated and often forgotten soda. It’s good though and it’s good for you (I can’t prove that, it just sounds good). If you see it at the store, get it and let your taste buds have fun. It has caffeine in it, and that’s always a bonus.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Fifties

Fifty-dollar bills are the second highest denomination for US currency. They are kind of lame. They have to share a cash register slot with hundreds. I would rather have a few tens and crumpled ones than a fifty-dollar bill. Grant is the featured president. He was a good general but a pretty mediocre president with a corrupt office. I really want a bill with like an eagle catching a snake and the snake is on fire. I think that would be better than sticking lame presidents on potentially cool bills.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (book)

Harry Potter is back for his second year at Hogwarts, and things are darker off the bat. A mysterious house elf named Dobby warns Harry of a plot against him and begs him not to return to Hogwarts. It would be pretty uneventful if he did, and so of course he goes back.

Someone has opened the fabled Chamber of Secrets, unleashing an evil that preys on Muggle-born students, turning them to stone. Harry is a prime suspect, and the other students start to become weary of him.

Of course it’s not Harry. He is the hero. He figures out what is going on with the help of a petrified Hermione, and he saves the day again.

J.K. Rowling’s second installment of the Potter saga introduces new and important characters like Dobby, Gilderoy Lockhart, Lucius Malfoy, and Arthur Weasley. She also plants more story arcs that will be resolved later, i.e. the powerful diary of Tom Riddle. There are a lot of similarities between Chamber of Secrets and the Half-Blood Prince. This is a great sequel and a necessary step to building a franchise. It sets up a lot for the future books as well.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Field of Dreams

– “Is this Heaven?”

-“No, it’s Idaho.”

 

The fact that you are red in the face and screaming “IOWA, IDIOT!” just goes to show you how memorable this movie is. It is definitely Kevin Costner’s most quoted baseball movie. “If you build it, he will come.” Classic line. “Ease his pain.” Another classic line.  And anything James Earl Jones says is classic from “Moonlight Graham” to his “People will come” speech.

This is a great feel good family film. It deals with family, faith, hope, and baseball. Baseball brings us together, and this film proves it. I never played catch with my dad (he wasn’t the athletic type). But we did watch this movie together, and that was almost as good.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Kona Fire Rock Pale Ale

Kona Brewing Co. from Hawaii presents this decent pale ale. It is 6% alcohol so it’s stronger than most lagers, but on the weaker side of most pale ales. It is less bitter and lighter tasting than the majority of pale ales. It’s a good stepping stone to stronger tasting beers if you are too used to drinking Bud Light.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (film)

Harry Potter was too much of phenomenon to stay on paper, and in 2001 the first book became a box office hit. Chris Columbus was chosen to direct, mostly because he was used to directing kids in films like Home Alone, and Mrs. Doubtfire. Harry Potter’s mostly British cast would use virtual unknown child actors and established film stars to play the adults.

It was really risky hiring Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter. If he sucked the whole franchise would have fallen apart. He looks the part, and plays the part pretty well, but he is still just a kid in this and not much of an actor. He gets the job done though, and so you have to give credit to everyone who saw his potential. At the time the movie was made, there were only three books out and 4 more yet to be written. No one knew if they were going to keep the same cast or have to replace them if they got too old. Rupert Grint plays Ron Weasley and Emma Watson rounds out the trio as Hermione Granger. Rupert Grint is naturally fun and great sidekick to Harry, but Emma Watson is the best actor of the three in this one. She is the most natural on camera. Inspired casting with the Hogwarts staff, but Alan Rickman steals the show as Snape. He can do more with a sentence than most could do with a four-minute monolog.

This is a bright happy kid’s movie. The later films get darker as the books become more adult orientated. Columbus does a great job establishing the look and feel of the wizarding world. He sets up a great foundation and establishes the general tone and mood for the later installments. He brings J.K. Rowling’s vision to life, and it is truly magical at times. The first time I saw this movie was in Spanish class, and dios mios, it blew me away. Even though I had no idea what that little nino was saying to his amigos nuevos en la escuela de magica, I knew that I was seeing the start of a great new franchise. The computer graphics and special effects are a little under par. Neville’s flying sequence and the bathroom troll seem really cartoony. The Quidditch scenes were also very boring and not fast enough. The Quidditch scenes also showcase Daniel Radcliffe’s most wooden acting in the entire franchise. Maybe he should have been drinking back then to loosen up a little.

Overall the film stays very loyal to the book. Only a few things are changed or cut from the film, nothing too major. The flow of the film gets a little clunky at times, and the acting a little amateur, but it is entertaining and rewatchable. A great start to a great film franchise.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Donnie Wahlberg

Donnie Wahlberg was in the New Kids on the Block. For a few years NKOTB was the shit. They were bigger than the Beatles, bigger than Jesus, bigger than your mom’s cavernous hoo-haw. He was so big, famous, rich and successful he decided to help out his little kid brother be a big white rapper. Little Marky Mark had a few singles, and an underwear campaign and next thing you know Little Marky Mark is Mark Wahlberg and a pretty decent movie star. And now Donnie Wahlberg is Mark Wahlberg’s brother, not the other way around.

Critically Rated at 12/17.

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Twenties

Twenty-dollar bills are the money currency, pun definitely intended. If it’s good enough for the ATM, it is good enough for me. It’s the most practical bill for most cash transactions.

A lot of people don’t like this bill because it depicts Andrew Jackson. Jackson was a strong leader, but a very controversial president. He was super racist and was responsible for the Trail of Tears. Look it up on Wikipedia, that shit was fucked up. Bigotry and politics aside, the twenty is the most practical bill we have.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (book)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is the first book in the Harry Potter series. Around the world it is better known as Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Americans are dumb though, and we don’t know what the Philosopher’s Stone is, so they changed it to Sorcerer’s Stone because it sounds more magical. This is the book that started it all. If you’ve never read it you are lucky. I wish I could read it again for the first time.

I saw the first three movies before I caved and started reading the books. The sheer depth of it blew me away. I love how Harry Potter is really mediocre, not at all like the powerful wizard you think he is. He is just a normal kid who suddenly finds himself thrust into a crazy world, where seemingly anything can happen and he is famous for something he can’t even remember.

J.K. Rowling planned out the whole saga in advance and it shows. She mentions characters like Sirius Black in the first chapter, well before we meet Sirius in the Prisoner of Azkaban.

This is a kid’s book. It is not your average kid’s book, but its still for the kids. Each book is about Harry’s next successive year at Hogwarts. Each book, Harry is older, he deals with more mature things, and J.K. Rowling’s writing improves with each book, so they only get better and darker as they go along.

Most people fail to realize how important Neville Longbottom is. On Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s very first nighttime excursion, Neville accompanies them. Gryffindor wins the House Cup because of Neville. Neville is Harry’s purebred equivalent.

A fun read, and a great foundation for the phenomenon that became Harry Potter.

Critically Rated at 15/17.

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Tens

Ten-dollar bills are pretty lame. Let’s start with the face of the ten, Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton was never president. He is most famous for accidently being shot by Aaron Burr during a milk commercial. Let’s put Teddy Roosevelt or John Adams on here or something. Tens are most commonly received when you ask for change for your twenty.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Precious Stringsters

Ahhhh, string cheese, a lunchbox staple. I prefer mozzarella string cheese over the other varieties. You can peel fat strings or thin strings. This is a really cheesy, really stringy string cheese and is that what we want from our string cheese? The only bad side is when the cheese is a little past its prime and it is more chunky that peel-able. Gross.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Fives

The five dollar bill is the lowest bill that people actually take the time to counterfeit. I don’t know why. There’s not too much you can still buy with five bucks. You can get a foot long sandwich. That’s about it. Five bucks in the minimum that you should spend on lotto tickets.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Vaporizers

The healthiest way to smoke if you want to make a career out of it. Vaporizers don’t actually burn the weed. Instead it heats it to the point the THC vaporizes and so you aren’t technically smoking because nothing is burning.

There are a few types of vaporizers. The cheaper ones are wooden boxes with a tube that you inhale from. The problem with these is that sometimes they aren’t heating properly and you just think you’re getting high but you are getting lightheaded from sucking on a tube for 5 minutes. The more expensive vaporizers are digital. The best one is the Volcano. It uses a giant plastic bag to capture all the THC vapor. Now they even have small portable vaporizers that you can recharge from your USB port. Because you aren’t burning the weed, the smell is hardly noticeable.  They are ideal if you have angry neighbors or if you wanna get high without your roomie trying to get in on it.

The downside is that you aren’t actually smoking weed. I like the act of sparking the lighter and passing the pipe or blunt around. Sucking on a tube and inhaling from a bag just doesn’t feel right.

Critically Rated at 11/17 for wooden box vaporizers.

Critically Rated at 15/17 for digital vaporizers.

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Coca-Cola Cherry

The classic cola with a cherry twist. First off this is Cherry Coke. I know it, you know it, the CEO of Pepsi knows it. There was no reason to have to rename it Coca-Cola Cherry. It doesn’t exactly flow off the tongue.

Coke is good, cherry flavor is good, combined they are very good. If it was available in glass bottles it would get a perfect score.

Critically Rated at 16/17.

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Ben & Jerry’s Banana Split

Banana and strawberry ice cream with walnuts, fudge chunks and fudge swirls. Seriously though, two different fruity ice cream flavors would be awesome enough, but throw in the crunch and chew that the fudge and nuts give, and you have an amazing texture. This tastes like a banana split. That’s what they were going for, so kudos to them.

Critically Rated at 12/17.

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Pabst Blue Ribbon

Some people love PBR. Some people eat their boogers. This is your standard American swill lager. The label brags that it was voted America’s Best in 1893. That was a fucking long time ago. I can’t remember what happened 2 weeks ago. There is nothing spectacular about this beer. It is fully average in everyway.

Critically rated at 8.5/17. That’s exactly half right?

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