Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

July 29, 2013 · 10:37 am

Sitting Next To Someone With Bad Breath

The other day I was super hungover and was stuck next to a guy with rancid breath on the subway. I was already nauseous, but his breath was enough to make me puke. It took all my willpower to suppress the urge to yak all over the place. Luckily he got off after a few stops, another couple of minutes would have resulted in a disaster. Sometimes you are forced to sit next to someone with bad breath. And it sucks, because there is no polite way to tell them that it smells like they have a fermenting rotten tooth in their mouth. Sitting next to someone with bad breath is an art form. You have to act engaged in the conversation while constantly maneuvering to avoid getting a whiff of halitosis. They move in, you move back; they move away, and you reestablish your territory. It almost becomes a dance. You move and respond instinctively. Action, reaction. They invented breath mints for a reason. It’s too bad some people didn’t get the memo.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2013 · 9:46 am

Civil Union

My friend (well, more of as a casual acquaintance on Facebook than an actual friend) had a status the other day congratulating another friend on her civil union to her longtime girlfriend. I think that’s a backhanded compliment. A civil union is an insult, not to mention an obsolete phrase. Call it what it really is… it’s a fucking marriage. You’re stuck in the past if you call it a civil union, that’s like saying that their love isn’t valid. They got married, not civilly united. If you can’t accept that, then maybe you shouldn’t be congratulating them. Don’t pretend that you’re for equality if you don’t consider it a real marriage. It doesn’t matter if the state still calls it a civil union, we all know what it really is. It’s a marriage.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 25, 2013 · 9:48 am

Backward Emoticons

Emoticons are those little smiley face things that you use in text messages and on the Internet. They as common as expressions like LOL and JK and they often appear in conjunction with each other: “Hey babe, I need to take a shower. Want to join me? 🙂 LOL”. The traditional way to do an emoticon is to do the eyes first, then the nose, then the mouth. If you do it right, it will get autocorrected into a cartoon smiley. But there are a lot of rebels/idiots who make backward emoticons. It will look like (-: or (: and that’s the wrong way to do it. It looks like a frowny face at first glance. It looks weird because most people do it the right way. And it also doesn’t autocorrect, which is a big sign that you’re doing it wrong. And you look like an idiot if you can’t make a smiley face the right way. Just do what normal people do and avoid using backward emoticons. Eyes to the left, mouth to the right… left to right, it’s just like reading or writing. What a novel concept.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 24, 2013 · 9:55 am

Thinking You Know Somebody

You’re at the store waiting for the cashier and you think you recognize the guy that’s two spots ahead of you in line. But you’re not sure because he won’t turn around, and it’s hard to confirm somebody’s identity without seeing their face. You’re debating whether or not you should tap him on the shoulder, but you don’t want it to be awkward if you’re wrong. So you bite your tongue and settle on a leaving a message on his Facebook saying that you thought you saw him at the store. And he’ll respond and say that it was him and that you should have said hello. Other times you’ll pass by somebody that looks familiar, but you can’t remember who they are or how you know them. So you don’t say anything because you’re not sure if he’s really your forgotten friend or not. And even if he is your long-forgotten friend, you still have nothing to say to him. That’s why you forgot about him in the first place. Thinking that you know somebody generally isn’t a good enough reason to start a conversation. You better to be sure that you know the guy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 23, 2013 · 9:50 am

Selling Your Soul

Would you sell your soul? Most people wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter if they really believe in souls or not, they are still somewhat reluctant to sell them. I wouldn’t sell my soul, but I have no problem with buying souls. I actually bought some souls back in high school. I got three idiots to sign a piece of paper that gave me ownership of their souls for all eternity. I didn’t even give them any money; they just gave them to me. The contract was phrased in a way that I can’t give them back even if I wanted to. If souls actually exist, then I have four of them. That puts me up in Voldemort territory. I use my extra souls whenever I do bad things. It keeps my own soul clean and clear of sins. I wouldn’t recommend selling your soul, but if somebody is dumb enough to offer you theirs, you should take it. And then you should go to Vegas and rack up a bunch of sins on that soul tab because you won’t get stuck with the charges.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 23, 2013 · 9:47 am

An Efficient Cab Driver

I live in the Sunset District of San Francisco and that means that cab drivers hate me. I live too far away and it’s not profitable for them to take me all the way out there. But they have to take me because it’s the law and I don’t take any bullshit. That’s when you seen an angry and bitter cabbie show off his driving skills. He switches lanes and maneuvers around cars with graceful ease. He screeches to a halt at stop signs at the last possible moment, and guns the engine after the briefest of moments. He starts mumbling and groaning and tapping his hands on the steering wheel when he gets stuck at a red light and then he floors it a half second before the light changes to green. An efficient cab driver is like a machine; he’s all about getting the job down as quickly and with as much precision as possible. Every second matters and he wastes absolutely no time in getting you from Point A to Point B as fast as he can. Don’t confuse an efficient cab driver with a rude driver; he’s just trying to get another fare as soon as he’s able to. It’s all about the turn and burn.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 22, 2013 · 10:00 am

Sitting in the Aisle Seat

If you’re riding the bus, plane, or train, most of the time you have a few options: you can take the window seat, occasionally there’s the middle seat, and there’s the aisle seat. Each seat has its benefits and drawbacks, but sitting in the aisle seat on public transportation should be your last choice, especially if the bus is crowded. The aisle will be filled with people standing, and your head is right at crotch level and that’s not a good combination. A sudden swerve or bump in the road could result in some unpleasant contact. There’s always some clumsy aisle walker that bumps into you unnecessarily. Plus you have to get up when the guy in the window seat gets up. You’re lucky that you have a seat, but it’s a very inconvenient seat. Come to think of it, you might be better off standing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 21, 2013 · 8:36 am

Strangers That You Know

The world is filled with strangers that you know. I take the train to get to work almost every day. And so do a lot of other people. And I’ve noticed that I’ve started to recognize a few other passengers. I don’t know their names, I don’t know what they do for a living, but I recognize their face when they get on or off the train. It’s a weird feeling because I want to nod my head to say hello and have to remind myself that I don’t really know them. It’s not just on the train; I see a lot of people in random places that I recognize because they stand out so much. There are two Asian twins that wear matching outfits and carry yoga mats around with them. There’s a homeless lady with an impressive mane of facial hair and a shopping cart that I see all over my neighborhood. I’ll catch a glimpse of somebody that I met at a party for fifteen minutes three years ago. You want to talk to strangers that you know, but you don’t because you don’t want to seem crazy. But is it really? After all, everyone you know was once a stranger to you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 21, 2013 · 8:32 am

Speed Wobbles

I have a longboard and I love to skate. I cruise the streets and sidewalk surf every single day. And I live in San Francisco in the Sunset District, so there are a lot of huge hills to bomb down at thirty miles an hour. There take certain precautions when you’re going so fast that you can’t stop. You have to choose a street that’s steep but not too steep, with a minimal amount of vehicular interference, and it should be smoothly paved and free from debris and potholes. There are a lot of things that can go wrong, but speed wobbles are what skaters fear the most. Speed wobbles are exactly what it sounds like: wobbles at a high speed. You’re flying down a hill and suddenly your board starts to shake violently, it feels like an earthquake, and it’s easy to panic. But if you panic, you’ll fall off and fuck yourself up. And the last thing you want to do it smack your head on concrete at breakneck speed. The best thing you can do is bend your knees and try to absorb the shocks as they come. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. All you can do is learn from it and tighten up your trucks. You could also buy a helmet, but then you wouldn’t look cool. Speed wobbles. Everyone who skates has a story about speed wobbles.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 20, 2013 · 9:16 am

Lipstick on Wine Glasses

Here’s your fun fact for the day: it’s called lipstick because it sticks to glass. I’ve worked in a few different restaurants and every single one of them has had a problem with lipstick on wine glasses. It’s not like they don’t clean the glasses. They rinse them off, wash them, and sanitize them. But sanitizer doesn’t remove lipstick. But at least it’s a sterilized lipstick stain. The best way to remove the lipstick is to use a little soda water on a bev nap and wipe it off. It’s won’t be clean, but it will look clean. You can splash some more sanitizer on it if it makes you feel better. There’s no way to avoid lipstick on wine glasses unless you ban chicks from wearing lipstick, and that’s not going to happen. The easiest way to remedy the situation is to serve wine in lipstick-colored glasses. They can’t send it back if they can’t see the stains.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 20, 2013 · 9:14 am

Biting Your Tongue

            Your tongue lives in your mouth fulltime. You eat and drink and talk all the fucking time without biting your tongue. But every few years you will randomly bite your tongue. It’s a horrible feeling when your hard tooth punctures your soft tongue. It hurts like a motherfucker, you’ll see stars, blood will start gushing, and you wont be able to do anything but whimper and groan. You always feel the need to share the fact that you just bit your tongue with the people around you. They don’t care, but they will pretend to sympathize with you. Biting your tongue is a stupid inevitability. You can’t avoid it. Everyone will be the idiot who bit his tongue at some point in their lives. Hopefully you won’t bite it all the way off like my friend did the other night (totally worth it though).

            Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 19, 2013 · 9:55 am

Shaky Hands

I have shaky hands. I can’t hold them steady, they won’t stay still. There’s always a slight tremble. It’s not as bad as Parkinson’s, but you’ll see ripples if I’m holding a glass of water. It’s hardly even noticeable unless I have a Red Bull or down a cup of coffee. I get all jittery and wired and my shaky hands become pretty obvious. It’s not a violent shake, but it’s a clear wobble. I’m not worried about it, it’s always been like that, and I know people that shake more than me. I don’t care as long as I don’t spill my beer. I’ll see the doctor as soon as I start losing precious alcohol as a result of my shaky hands.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2013 · 11:18 am

Ask Before You Take a Chair

I was at the bar the other night (surprise, surprise) with some friends. There were about eight of us, so we grabbed a table inside and established our territory. Half of us got up to grab a few pitchers from the bartender, and I was one of the people that stayed behind to watch our stuff. And it’s a good thing that I was there, because another group showed up and took over the table next to us. And one bitch from that group started taking away the unoccupied chairs from our table. She didn’t even ask, she just started dragging them away. I actually had to stand up and block her path and ask her to stop stealing our chairs. I believe my exact words were: “Um, excuse me, can you please stop taking our chairs?!? We have more people at the bar.” She heard me, but I don’t think it registered through her abnormally thick skull. Another guy in her group had to tell her to give them back. It could have been a situation at that point if he hadn’t intervened. And it could have been easily avoided if she just asked before she started taking them. You should always ask before you take a chair. It’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s weird when someone is completely ignorant of social customs. You can’t just swoop in and grab whatever you want. The world doesn’t work like that.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 16, 2013 · 12:01 pm

A Leaking Pen

You’re on the phone with the cable company and you need to jot down a number real quick, so you grab a pen and scribble it down. You don’t think anything of it until a few minutes later when you finally realize that you have ink all over your hands. The thick black ink stains your hands and taints everything that you touch. It’s kind of like getting tarred and feathered without the feathers. I’m a server and carry around five pens in my apron. Every once in a while I’ll notice that one of my pens is broken, but it’s not clear which one is defective. I have to inspect each pen to find the leaking one. But I never throw it away, I just offer it to another server so that I’m not the only one covered in ink. The best part is that they think I did them a favor by giving them a free pen.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 14, 2013 · 7:39 pm

My Arm’s Asleep

I usually sleep on my stomach and sometimes end up lying on top of my arm, consequently cutting off circulation for a few hours. Then I’ll wake up and realize that my arm’s asleep. I can’t move it and it won’t function at all. It’s an eerie feeling, like it’s a corpse arm that’s been attached to my body. It has no feeling, I can’t control it, it just kind of dangles uselessly. I have to start swinging my arm around and flexing my fingers in order to get the blood flowing again. Slowly but surely my arm starts to come back to life. But I’m always worried that one day I’ll oversleep and they’ll have to amputate it. Maybe that’s why I’m so anal about setting my alarm.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2013 · 9:04 pm

Waking Up When You Have to Leave

You wake up and groggily take a look at the clock, then lazily shut your eyes. Then it dawns on you that something’s not right and your eyes snap back open and you look at the time again. And you realize that you forgot to set your alarm clock last night and that you should have already left the house. Nothing will make you spaz out more than waking up when you have to leave. Your heart skips a beat, you get a sinking feeling in your stomach, and you start to freak out. You jump out of bed and race around frantically throwing on clothes and grabbing your shit and then you run out of the house. There’s no time for hygiene. Brushing your teeth will take too much time. You have to skip the shower. You can always slap on some deodorant at work. Waking up when you have to leave is a terrible way to start the day. Hopefully it doesn’t set the tone for the rest of the day.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2013 · 9:02 pm

False Advertising with Your Profile Picture

I’ve noticed that a lot of people use extremely old glamor shots of themselves as their profile picture and they don’t see anything wrong with it. But it’s false advertising. False advertising with your profile picture on Facebook is bad enough, but it ought to be a crime to use an outdated photo of yourself on a dating website. You don’t look like that anymore. You’re lying. You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to whoever you’re trying to meet.  And the person that you meet will inevitably end up being disappointed. They might even tell you that you don’t look like your profile picture, and you will feel like shit. Spare yourself the grief and use an honest photo. In fact, you should use an ugly, unflattering picture of yourself. Then they will be pleasantly surprised when they meet you in person. Don’t trick people into wanting to meet you. Looks aren’t that important, but lying is always a deal breaker.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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