Tag Archives: Mandy

My Mandy Dream

I had my first (and so far only) dream about Mandy a few weeks ago. It was weird but a bit of a relief because I was worried and wondering why I hadn’t had one yet. Why haven’t I seen her even though she’s always on my mind? When Josh died, I saw him every time I saw someone wearing a red plaid shirt. I couldn’t escape him. Why wasn’t I seeing Mandy?

I finally saw her in one of those quick morning dreams. Where you wake up but don’t want to start the day and try to go back to bed. The magical place between sleep and awake. That’s where I saw her.

I was at a holiday party, filled with friends and family, it felt like it was Christmas time, and I was going from room to room looking for her. I found her in the kitchen, sitting on a stool by the counter. She was sitting next to a bearded hipster that doesn’t exist in real life, but I recognized him as a mutual friend. I wasn’t surprised to see her, she wasn’t a ghost or anything. She was still my girlfriend and we were just at a holiday party. I walked over to her and we started to talk about whatever.

Out of the blue, she causally mentioned that she made out with our bearded hipster friend. I was taken aback, like what the fuck did you just say? You made out with him? And she said, “Yeah, I made out with him. Your mom saw us.” She said it so matter-of-factly, like it wasn’t a big deal.

“You made out with him? And my mom saw you?”

“Yeah. You were in the room too,” she said, like it was totally normal to cheat on me. Obviously I was pissed and told her I was breaking up with her. Then I woke up mad. I was still half asleep, I was angry, until I realized that I finally had a dream about her, smiled, and closed my eyes to go try to find her again. I drifted off to another random dream, one without her or the holiday party or the random bearded hipster friend that doesn’t really exist.

I have a few theories about what my dream meant. It means that I feel betrayed. That she hurt me so much and didn’t realize or care. And that I want closure that I’m never going to get.

I felt a sense of relief. It was as if a weight was lifted off my chest. For the next few days I felt so much lighter. I thought it was a breakthrough in my grieving process. It didn’t last. It comes in waves and I got hit by a tsunami a few days later.

I’m glad I had the dream though. I got to see her and talk to her again. Yeah, the subject matter sucks, but it’s better than my reality.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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I’m Back

I’m back. This post marks the end of my self imposed hiatus from Critically Rated. I got 2020’ed pretty bad. I lost my girlfriend and close friend/roommate in an unfortunate ATV accident. Everything came to a sudden halt, and two and a half months later I’ve only just started getting used to my new reality. It’s tough waking up each day knowing the love of my life is gone.

I’m trying to make sense of it. I’m trying to make it mean something. But it’s pretty fucking hard. I used to believe in fate. I thought fate brought Mandy and me together. I thought the universe wanted us to be together. But if I believe that, that means I was supposed to lose her. I don’t consider myself a Christian, but I believed in God. I prayed every night before falling asleep. I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. I don’t know how I can. I prayed that he would protect the ones I love and he fucked me over hardcore.

So I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I believe in anything. I don’t want life to be random. I want it to make sense. I want to know that things happen for a reason. I know that any sense of security is an illusion. I can’t take anything for granted because everything can change in an instant.

I’ll never get over it, but I’m getting through it. Can’t stop the clock. Tick. Tick. Tock. Minutes into hours into days into weeks into months. Each new day takes me further away. I know I have to move on, start a new life, but I don’t want to. I want to wake up to Mandy.

I’m only living because I know she would want me to. But every new experience makes me feel guilty because I can’t share it with her. I’ve taken up gardening as a hobby. It helps pass the time, it gives me a sense of responsibility, and it gives me a sense of control. I can’t control what happens to me, but I can control what happens in my burgeoning backyard garden. Except for the fucking weather. And the fucking bugs. And the fucking gophers.

I’m afraid my happiest days are behind me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. But I know that I will be ok because I want to be. I’ll be alright. I’ll be ok.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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