Category Archives: People I Feel Sorry For

If you are in here, don’t feel too bad. I pity a lot of people.

Pablo Sandoval

So Pablo “Kung Fu Panda” Sandoval is leaving San Francisco for Boston and I feel a little betrayed. Panda was our guy. We drafted him. We brought him up through our farm system. He brought him to the majors. We watched him mature, we watched him battle, we watched him triumph. He became a local hero. He was fun to watch. He helped us win three rings in five years. He summoned the Bambino and crushed three home runs in a World Series game. He became a legend. In San Francisco at least. He brought immense joy to a fun franchise. And then he left us for another team. One with fans that don’t care about him, that don’t respect him. I want to wish him well. But I can’t. I feel like he abandoned us. We would have had his back through any slump or disintegration in performance if he was still wearing San Francisco on the front of his jersey. Now he’s a rival. Good riddance. But thanks for the memories. I wish we could have had more of them.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

10431520_10154883506280187_7865387663382513697_n

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Michelle Williams

Michelle Williams was a member of one of the biggest female R&B groups of all. You know her songs but you don’t know her name. She was the other chick in Destiny’s Child. You definitely know Beyoncé. You might know Kelly Rowland. You totally forgot about Michelle Williams. It’s ok to admit it, she’s not that memorable. Beyoncé became Beyoncé. Kelly Rowland has had a little solo success. But Michelle Williams dropped off the face of the Earth. Wikipedia says she released a solo gospel album, but nobody listens to gospel so nobody heard it and nobody bought it. She’s not not even the most famous Michelle Williams anymore. The white actress is the one that pops up first when you Google her name. She’s been usurped.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

IMG_0135-0.JPG

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Old Person Falling

One of the saddest things you can ever witness is an old person falling. When I was eleven years old my grandma was reaching for something on her dresser and she fell out of her wheelchair. I was the only other one home at the time and wasn’t strong enough to lift her up. She had to stay sprawled out on the floor while I went next door to find a neighbor to help. The worst part is how embarrassed she was. She was completely helpless and she knew it. It’s gut-wrenching to live your whole life independently and suddenly becoming reliant on other people. All you can do when an old person falls is to help them and hope they aren’t hurt. Their pride is always damaged. Treat them with dignity and respect while you console them. You could be the one lying on the floor someday.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

360_fallen_elderly_0522

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

The Best That Never Was (documentary)

Marcus Dupree had it all in the early ‘80s. He was one of the best young football players in the country with the skills and flair needed to become a superstar. The Best That Never Was tells the true story of how he could have been a household name until he squandered it away. Director Jonathan Hock’s ESPN 30 for 30 documentary explores Dupree’s incredible football career through a mixture of interviews and film footage. You see how he grew up and developed a talent for football, how he harnessed that power and became a high school phenom, how the colleges came calling, how the cockroaches came out and exploited him, and how injuries and immaturity caused his career to tailspin until he ended up as forty-six year-old truck driver watching highlight reels of his glory days with a tear in his eye.

It’s a cautionary tale about the dangers of professional sports and how the lure of fame and money can destroy talent. It’s riveting. Dupree ultimately finds some redemption, but he knows that he made a lot of mistakes in his life. He has a lot of regrets, understandably so. There are a lot of good entries in the 30 for 30 series and this is one of the better ones. I highly recommend it. Watch it below if you have a couple of hours to kill.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment, People I Feel Sorry For

Jake Lloyd

Jake Lloyd is a former child star most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. He’s blamed (along with Jar Jar Binks) for ruining the movie. Never mind the fact that George Lucas wrote the script, directed the film, and had ultimate control over everything. It’s the kid’s fault for destroying everyone’s favorite film franchise. Jake Lloyd was a decent actor for a little kid, but it’s hard to create a satisfying movie persona when you’re working with CG characters and green screens and a shitty script. The negative response to the flick was enough to cause Lloyd to quit acting and drop out of the public view. He occasionally pops up at conventions to make a quick buck, and he has no qualms about admitting how much he hates being associated with Anakin. The Phantom Menace ruined his life, but then again, that movie ruined a lot of peoples’ lives.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

phantom-menace-screencaps-star-wars-the-phantom-menace-27341683-1280-720

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Two-Year-Old in a Stroller

            The other day I saw a two-year-old in a stroller. It was pretty distressing. This was a toddler, not a baby, and he was confined to a stroller despite being perfectly capable of walking. He didn’t have special needs or any disabilities. He just had really lazy parents with no desire to parent. They are raising him to be lazy and reliant on other people at the cost of his self-dependency. To each their own, but they are really fucking him up for life.

            Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

hes-old-enough-to-walk-402x500

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Seat Hopper

A seat hopper is a person who can’t sit in one spot for more than a few minutes. They are usually creepy old guys on the bus. I saw one the other day. I was on the bus going to work and the bus was about half full so there were plenty of available seats to choose from. An old Asian guy came on, glanced at all of the open seats, and chose the seat right next to me. He saw there for a minute or two, but then he got up at the next stop, moved across the aisle, and sat down next to a young college chick. I wondered if I caused him to move by neglecting to put on deodorant or something, until he got up at the next stop, moved back across the aisle, and sat down to the guy sitting right in front of me. A few stops later he got up and went to a different spot. It was around that time that I realized that he was just a weirdo with a penchant for seat hopping. I watched him move to three more seats before he finally got off. I can only assume that he went to find another bus to sit in more seats. I think that he’s harmless, but he’ll be my top suspect if I ever sit in anything sticky on the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

2 100

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

That Person You Simply Can’t Stand

No matter who you are or where you come from, you’re bound to know somebody that you hate with a passion for no particular reason. They might not even know that you two are enemies. They didn’t do anything to earn your wrath, but you can’t stand to be in the same room as them. They rub you the wrong way. Everything they do annoys you. Everything they say bugs you. They irk you to no avail. They make you sick and you don’t have to know why. It’s just the way it is. You don’t know enough people if you don’t know a person you simply can’t stand. All you can do is feign civility when you see them… then talk smack behind their back. That’ll show ‘em.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

125364-124156

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Stella Liebeck

You might not know Stella Liebeck’s name, but you know who she is. She’s the lady that burned herself with hot coffee and successfully sued McDonald’s. She became the poster child for frivolous lawsuits, a reputation that she did not deserve. The media blasted her, mocked her, and twisted the facts to depict her as greedy, sue-happy, and eager to manipulate the system. They were eager to portray her as the villain and McDonald’s as the victim. The fact is that McDonald’s knew that they had a dangerous product. Their coffee was sold at 180–190 °F, which is enough to cause a third-degree burn in as little as two seconds. They had over 700 separate reports of severe burns caused by their overly hot coffee and they simply ignored them or paid off the victims until Stella Liebeck came along.

Stella Liebeck was a 79-year-old lady wearing sweat pants sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car when she removed the lid to add cream and sugar and accidentally spilled the cup on her lap. Her sweat pants acted like a sponge and held the coffee against her groin, buttocks, and thighs. She got third-degree burns over 6% of her body and first to second-degree burns over 16% of her body. She had to get skin grafts, lost over twenty pounds, and spent over two weeks in the hospital. She was in real pain, and the jury was aware of it. They awarded her with 2.7 million dollars, which the judge reduced to $640,000, and Liebeck and McDonald’s eventually settled out of court for under $600,000.

But the media latched on to the $2.7 million, and so the urban legend goes that a dumb lady spilled hot coffee on herself while driving, sued, and became a millionaire. Stella Liebeck became a joke, a laughing stock, a punchline. She might have won the trial, but she lost her dignity and her reputation. You can’t believe everything that the media says. Stella Liebeck really was a victim, and in more ways than one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

stella1

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Lou Diamond Phillips

Lou Diamond Phillips is an actor best known for playing Ritchie Valens in La Bamba. He was a pretty good actor and it seemed like he was poised to become a movie star. But it didn’t really happen. His career kind of fizzled out. He kept finding work, but he went from staring in movies to costarring, and his movies kept getting worse and worse. He started becoming more of a television actor, and he even had to resort to reality show appearances a few times. He was once Lou Diamond Phillips, Movie Star. Now he’s Lou Diamond Phillips, That Guy. Whenever you see him pop up in a TV show or movie, you’re kind of like Oh yeah, him. He’s still alive. Good for him, and then you go back to forgetting about him. I don’t really feel too bad for him, but I would buy him a pity beer for sure if I ever met him.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1st Annual CAPE Poker Tournament

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Jon Stewart

I don’t really feel bad for Jon Stewart. Not really. He’s rich, respected, famous, funny, smart, and successful. He took over as host of the The Daily Show after Craig Kilborn left, and more importantly, he made that show his own. He gave it a new direction, a new voice, and America took notice. He won Emmys. He wrote best-selling books. And he let other comedians get an opportunity to be seen on his show. Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert come to mind. They both had segments on The Daily Show that led to careers in film and TV that surpass Stewart’s own career. Steve Carell got the lead in NBC’s hit show The Office, and network shows mean huge paychecks. He also became a hit on the big screen with The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Anchorman. Stephen Colbert became Stephen Colbert, and got his own show right after The Daily Show. He became even more popular and influential, and now he’s going to replace David Letterman when he retires.  And Jon Stewart can only grit his teeth, pretend to smile, and ignore the fact that he launched their careers while he remains on basic cable. Even John Oliver has a show on HBO now. That’s premium cable. Premium. Jon Stewart is far more accomplished than I could ever hope to be, but he has to be jealous of the Stevphens.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Jon Stewart

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Girls Named Tara

I feel bad for girls named Tara because they have a simple name that can be pronounced two different ways. It’s either sounds like Tar-uh or like Ter-uh, but it’s only one of those. Most people aren’t sure which one to use, so they flip-flop back and forth and say both pronunciations just to be safe. They figure it doesn’t matter if they’re wrong half the time as long as they are still right half the time. They don’t consider that Tara dies a little bit each time someone calls her the wrong name. I think Tara should hang out with Andrea because Andrea knows exactly how she feels. Names are important, learn how to pronounce them correctly or come up with a good nickname to avoid the whole issue.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Tara-tara-reid-4449065-1079-1618

1 Comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Arnel Pineda

Arnel Pineda is a Filipino singer/songwriter who is most famous for replacing Steve Perry as the lead singer of Journey. He actually has a pretty cool story. He grew up in the Philippines and spent time bouncing around between different bands, performing both original songs and cover songs from the ‘70s and ‘80s. A couple of those songs ended up on YouTube and caught the attention of the remaining members of Journey and they asked him to audition for the band. They flew him out to California, he had a two-day audition, and he got the gig. Arnel Pineda is a great singer. He has pipes. He sounds exactly like Steve Perry. But I feel bad for him because he is not Steve Perry. He never will be Steve Perry. He is just doing a form of glorified karaoke. That’s not music, that’s not art. It’s hollow and it shows.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Steve Bartman

Steve Bartman is perhaps the most well known Chicago Cubs fan in history, and for all the wrong reasons. He’s the guy who interfered with a foul ball during the 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS, potentially costing the Chicago Cubs their first chance to get to the World Series in a million years. Even non-baseball fans remember this play. The Cubs were up 3-0 in the 8th and 5 outs away from the World Series when Marlin’s batter Luis Castillo hit a ball down the 3rd baseline and several fans made an attempt to catch it. Steve Bartman was one of those fans, and he was the unfortunate one who managed to deflect it. Cubs outfield Moises Alou wasn’t able to catch the ball and he blamed poor Steve. And then the other Cubs players blamed poor Steve. And then the Cubs announcers and all the Cubs fans in the stands started to blame poor Steve. And then all the other Cubs fans started to blame poor Steve. And poor Steve received death threats and had to be placed under police protection, and he is still hated today. All because of something that was purely instinctual. There were half a dozen other fans who could have been the one to touch the ball. We could all be hating Susie Nonfan just as easily. It just wasn’t Steve Bartman’s day. Steve, if you’re reading this, I feel sorry for you and I’d love to buy you a beer sometime. You’re lucky I’m a Giants fan.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

20140223-144917.jpg

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Michael Jackson’s Sex Life

Let’s talk about Michael Jackson’s sex life. I don’t think he had one. I don’t think he was a pedophile. I don’t believe he had sex with any little boys. I don’t think he ever had sex with anyone, man or woman. I don’t think he even masturbated. I think he was completely asexual. He never had a real childhood and he never grew up. He was a boy trapped in a man’s body. He thought of himself as Peter Pan, and Peter Pan thinks that sex is icky. You get the impression from his love songs that he didn’t know what love is. It was an abstract concept that was completely foreign to him. He talks about his feelings but he doesn’t say what he is feeling, he just says that he has them. He had three kids, but they are whiter than Jim Gaffigan. Michael Jackson was black. He might have bleached his skin, but he didn’t bleach his DNA. If those were really his kids, they would have a bit more color. Of course this is all speculation. Michael Jackson could have been a pimp mac daddy, but I highly doubt it. Either way, we can all agree that he was one of the best entertainers of all time and it’s a shame that we killed him.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Watching a Tourist Struggle

It’s kind of fun watching a tourist struggle with what you find routine. You know the way around your city because it’s your city. You know the best places to go and the best ways to get there. You know how to get around quickly and efficiently. You know how the city flows and you feel like you are a vital part of it. And tourists stick out. You can spot them from a mile away. They don’t know the unwritten rules of your city. They dress weird, they say the wrong things, they get in the way and cause minor obstructions and traffic jams. They are a virus. They are disruptive. But they are also guests in your city, so you should treat them as such.

Watching struggling tourists isn’t an amusement, it’s a test of your true character. You don’t have to be their friend, but you should definitely help them out and offer them advice and tips and try to make them feel a little welcome. A new place can be overwhelming and a few acts of kindness can go a long way. I try to do what I can. If I see a person anxiously studying a map, I’ll ask them where they are trying to go. The other day I saw a kid trying to get onto the subway but couldn’t figure out how to enter the turnstile. As I walked by I told him to how to swipe it, and the brief look of relief on his face was better than any “thank you” he could have muttered.

It’s fun watching a tourist struggle. It’s more fulfilling to help them out. You have to remember that you like to travel, and travellers are essentially glorified tourists. You don’t want to be treated like a tourist. So don’t treat tourists like they are inferior. Because human rights and all that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Paul Walker

            Paul Walker died. He’s the guy from The Fast & The Furious. He died in a car accident. Go figure. He was like a younger and blonder version of Keanu Reeves, but with less talent. His best movies were always the ones that you didn’t notice him in. I feel like I have somewhat of a connection with him. I once created a custom-made T-shirt on a website a few years ago. It was all black with silver letters that spelled out “Paul Walker Sucks.” It was one of my favorite party shirts because it always got a conversation going. But now I don’t think I can wear that shirt anymore. I was only making fun of his acting ability. I never wished death upon him. I only wished that he would stop acting forever. I didn’t mean for it to be like this. Now I feel kind of responsible. I know it wasn’t my fault. It was that fucking tree’s fault. Paul Walker – Rest in Peace, and I know you and Sonny Bono are having one hell of a conversation in Heaven. You’re not a good actor, but you’re still a good person and you will be missed.

            Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

a1

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For