Category Archives: Entertainment

TV, Movies, etc

The Olympic Trials

The 2012 Olympic Games are quickly approaching and the Olympic Trials have started. Athletes from all around the world are competing amongst each other for the chance to represent their country. Every athlete dreams of winning a gold medal, but before you get the chance to compete you have to qualify. Years and years of training and personal sacrifices depend on how well you perform… all the hardships you endured could be worth it, or you could have wasted your entire life.

I’m from America, so naturally I’ve been watching the U.S. Olympic Trials. I’ve only seen a handful of events like women’s field hockey, diving, and gymnastics. It’s not a lot of events, but it’s enough to start to catch Olympic fever. You start to hear the stories of the athletes and what they’ve gone through, both physically and mentally, to reach the point where they are now. I love when they show the parents and family members of athletes, seeing them laugh and cry with each success and setback. The drama is as real as it gets. You give up your life and your youth for the chance to compete and the slightest mistake can ruin your career.

Seeing an athlete overcome the fatigue and pressure and rise to the occasion and achieve their dream is inspirational. And it makes you feel lazy for sitting on the couch and watching a kid accomplish something that you will never experience. But good for him. I’m not bitter.

Watching a champion doing what he does is cool and all, but nothing is an inspiring as an athlete who falls down and gets right back up. It’s inspiring. It’s why people compete. You don’t have to get a medal to be a winner. The whole point of the Olympics is to represent your country and wear your colors with dignity, pride, and honor. If Cool Runnings taught us anything, it’s that losers can be heroes.

Making the Olympic team is like buying a lottery ticket. You can’t win the jackpot unless you buy a ticket and you can’t win the gold if you don’t qualify. And just because you qualify doesn’t mean you will win. I buy a lot of lottery tickets and I never won the jackpot. And a lot of people have qualified for the Olympics and never won a medal. I don’t know why I’m comparing a game of random luck to an event that relies on skill that occurs every four years, but I am. And you are reading it, so what does that say about you?

The Summer Games are way better than the Winter Games. No offense to all you bobsled fans.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Catching a Foul Ball

One of the best parts about going to baseball games is having the chance to make a play and snag a fly ball. I go to a lot of baseball games, anywhere from 15-20 games a season. I’ve never caught a foul ball. I’ve come close, the ball has literally been three feet away from me, but other people have better luck or a glove and snatch the ball away. I don’t even want to keep the ball, it would be awesome just to catch it. The memory of catching it is good enough, I would give the ball away to a little kid. I get the glory of catching the ball (and hopefully getting on TV), and the kid gets an awesome souvenir and becomes a baseball fan for life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Smallville (tv show)

Smallville is a TV show about Clark Kent before he becomes Superman. Tom Welling plays a young Clark Kent and you see him go from a nerdy high school freshman to a reporter for the Daily Planet over the course of ten seasons. The early seasons are about Clark discovering strange new abilities and learning how to control them and he also starts exploring his origins. The later seasons are about him accepting his destiny, and there’s tons of characters and references to the DC universe. The cast changed quite a bit over the years as well. The early seasons were about Clark’s life in Smallville and growing up on a farm with his parents John and Martha (John Schneider and Annette O’Toole). He hangs out with his friend Pete and Chloe (Sam Jones III and Allison Mack) and has a crush on the smoking hot Lana Lang (Kristen Kreuk). Over the course of the series most of the supporting characters are phased out, but Allison Mack stuck around for most of the show’s run. In the pilot episode Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) hits Clark with his car and they both fall off a bridge and land in the water. Clark saves Lex and they become friends, but Lex becomes obsessed with how Clark escaped without injury. Lex and Clarks friendship dissolves over a few seasons and Lex gradually becomes a bad guy. Lex has one of the best character arcs of the series, even if Rosenbaum left after seven seasons. Clark pines for Lana for a few seasons and they even get together a few times, but eventually Lois Lane shows up. Erica Durance is pretty smoking hot too and you can’t have a show about Superman without having Lois Lane, so she was a great addition to the cast. There are lots of references to the Superman movies. Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder both guest starred on the show. Terrence Stamp (General Zod in Superman II) provides the voice for Clark’s biological father, Jor-El. Other DC characters joined the show. Oliver Queen a.k.a. Green Arrow (Justin Hartley) became a series regular and other members of the Justice League show up like Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg, Martian Manhunter to name a few. Bruce Wayne/Batman never showed up though. A few notable villains show up too. General Zod, Brainiac, Bizarro, Doomsday and other DC bad guys make appearances. The first season had a lot of one-time villains. Usually someone from Smallville has an encounter with Kryptonite and transform somehow before Clark tears shit up and gets things back to normal so that next week something else could happen. Later on the storylines become more complex and there’s more story arcs that last multiple episodes or span over a few seasons. Every once in a while there will be a random episode that doesn’t have much to do with the overall storyline, but that happened less and less as the show progressed. The special effects are pretty solid for a TV show. There’s some cool CG work when Clark is using his superpowers and there are some pretty awesome fight scenes. But there’s also a lot of soap opera drama going on. Sometimes the show was a little more Gossip Girls than a superhero series. But I’m ok with it because Clark usually punches something or someone and I like violence. Smallville isn’t the best show of all time, but it’s still pretty good. Ten seasons is a great run for a TV series. They turned it into a comic book, so you can keep following the ongoing adventures of Clark Kent. Give this show a chance if you haven’t yet. Superheroes, hot chicks, cool CG, cool fight scenes… that’s entertainment. Critically Rated at 14/17

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Graphing Calculators

I don’t know what high school is like now (thank God), but ten years ago I was still in high school, and even worse I was stuck in math class. Algebra II was a bitch. I passed the class, but barely, and it was all thanks to my graphing calculator. Math wasn’t my subject. I was all about English and History, but math requires a certain skill set that I never bothered to learn.

A graphing calculator was like a smart phone back in the day. You could program it, add notes, and even play games on it.

I would use it to pass a test every once in a while, but graphing calculators were better than a Gameboy. You could have multiple games on it and never even have to change a cartridge. Drug Wars is one of the best games of all time, and I’ve only been able to play it on a calculator. Graphing calculators were essential to pass your math class, but they were even more important to pass the time. Graphing calculators are the forgotten form of portable gaming, but they are as revolutionary as Sega Game Gear or the Nintendo DS.

Critically Rated at 15/17

 

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Celebrities That I’ve Seen Personally

There’s over seven billion people in the world, so there’s a pretty good chance that you will see people everyday. Every once in a while you will see someone you recognize but never met. And you will geek out a little bit because you just saw someone famous. Randomly bumping into a celebrity on the street isn’t that common (unless you live in LA). I find that just as excited to see an A-list celebrity as I am to see a guy who guest starred on Lost. I haven’t seen anyone super famous, like Jack Nicholson or the Pope, but I’ve seen a few people.

Here is a partial list of the celebrities that I have come face to face with, talked to, and/or made physical contact with (handshakes, fist bumps, accidently walking into). There is no particular order to my list, they aren’t sorted by date or by how famous they are.

I lived in LA for nine months. You see celebrities all day long down there. They are like pigeons, you can’t avoid them, they are everywhere. I worked at Chili’s in Westwood, near UCLA. And I would see the most random people like J.D. Walsh (Mackey from Smart Guy, Gordon from Two and a Half Men). One day Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson from the Girls Next Door came in with seven other Playmates. They were wearing t-shirts and jeans weren’t dressed up, but they were stunning.

Master P, Lil Romeo (he was still Lil Romeo at the time) and their bodyguard came in and got lunch. Kevin Connolly (E from Entourage) came in by himself on a Saturday night. He is a tiny little guy. I also saw Rick Fox from the Lakers, and he is 6’7”. Pretty damn tall.

The first “celebrity” that I remember talking to was Annette from the second season of Bug Juice. Bug Juice was like the Real World for kids and took place at a summer camp. I saw Annette at the Marin County Fair. My friend pointed her out and told me who she was. And I yelled, “Hey, Annette! Are you from Bug Juice?” and she nodded so I’m pretty sure it was her.

I live in San Francisco now. Up here, I’ve bumped into Andris Biedrins from the Warriors and he is 7 feet tall. I really bumped into him: my buddy shoved me into him rather than simply point him out to me. I met Randy Johnson on my birthday in 2009 and he gave a birthday fist bump. I also met Barry Bonds back in the day and got his autograph of piece of graphing paper because that was the only thing I had available. Pablo Sandoval has come into the restaurant that I work at now a few times, sometimes with a random hot chick, sometimes by himself.

Recently I got to serve Aldon Smith, one of the best defensive rookies in the NFL last year. Other professional athletes I’ve seen: Andre Agasi when he was at the top of his game. I played one season of Little League, and one of the players I competed against is Bud Norris of the Houston Astros. I also saw pitcher Kevin Correia (currently pitching for the Pirates, but I saw him when he was pitching for the Giants).

I’ve met a few musicians like James Hetfield from Metallica and Tom Johnston of the Doobie Brothers. I am the one who told Tom Johnston’s son what Doobie meant. That’s pretty awesome.

A bunch of my friends have seen Dave Chappelle walking around SF streets. I’m not that lucky, but I did see Jim Breuer and his family. That’s not nearly as cool, but that’s half the cast of Half Baked right there.

The biggest celebrity that I’ve met is Warwick Davis. I know I said that Kevin Connolly was tiny, but Warwick Davis is actually a little person. I actually went up and introduced myself as a big fan and shook his hand. Yes, I told a little person actor that I was a big fan… not the smoothest thing that I’ve done. Warwick Davis is in some of the biggest movies of all time. He was the main Ewok (Wicket) in Return of the Jedi. He was motherfucking Willow in Willow. He was Professor Flitwick (and sometimes Griphook) in the Harry Potter movies. He was the Leprechaun in the Leprechaun movies. He is a pretty well established actor and it was awesome meeting him. Fucking Star Wars and Harry Potter… Yeah, I geeked out a little bit.

Celebrities are just people that are on TV and in the movies. And that makes them better than you. It’s just a fact of life, don’t take it personally. That’s why you freak out a little and change your Facebook status and text your friends.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones returns to the big screen in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. This sequel is actually a prequel, Raiders of the Lost Ark takes place in 1936, and this is set in 1935. Indy is on the hunt for a mystical stone, not nearly as exciting as the Ark of the Covenant, but whatever advances the plot does the job. George Lucas wrote and produced the movie and Spielberg directed it. It’s not as good as Raiders, but it’s a satisfying sequel.

The movie starts with a musical number at Club Obi Wan in Shanghai. That’s quite a turnaround from the opening sequence in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones shows up and is wrapping up an exciting adventure that involves a diamond and an antidote to some poison that Indy drinks. We are introduced to an obnoxious American showgirl named Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) and Indy’s exploited Asian sidekick Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan). Jonathan Ke Quan is a Vietnamese actor who is playing a Chinese kid because Hollywood is racist and all Asians look alike. Indiana, Willie, and Short Round escape on a plane, but their plane is owned by the criminal they barely escaped from. They end up using a raft as a glorified parachute and find themselves in the main plotline.

After falling thousands and thousands of feet and sliding down a mountain in an inflatable raft, Indy and his pals find themselves in an Indian village. The villagers are in trouble and need Indy’s help. It seems that some assholes from Pankot Palace stole their sacred stone and kidnapped all the kids. The kids seem to be an afterthought, they really want their magic rock back.

Indiana agrees to help them because he’s Indiana Jones and the movie would suck if he didn’t do anything. So he heads to Pankot Palace with Willie and Short Round. They meet the young Maharajah, the king of Pankot Palace and they enjoy a lavish feast, complete with eyeball soup and chilled monkey brains for dessert.

Indy gets attacked by an assassin and decides that something is not quite right in the palace. He goes snooping around and finds a bunch of hidden passageways and tunnels that lead to the Temple of Doom.

Inside the Temple of Doom is a freaky cult of freaky fuckers that believe in child labor, human sacrifice, and ripping beating hearts out of people’s chests. Indy, Willie, and Short Round are all captured by the evil cult. Short Round gets to join all the child slaves, Willie gets to be a human sacrifice, and Indy gets to be converted into a brainwashed cult zombie.

Short Round manages to escape and snaps Indy out of his trance, and he frees Willie, and they celebrate by taking a roller coaster ride in a mine cart. After that fun ride, there’s some drama involving a rickety bridge with hungry crocodiles. Indy, Willie, and Short Round emerge triumphant and return to the village with their magic rock and all the kids. I’m glad the kids are ok, but I’m just so relieved that they got their stupid stone back. Priorities, you know?

This movie is a decent sequel, but it differs from the Indian Jones formula in a few ways. In Raiders of the Lost ark and in The Last Crusade, the story takes you all around the world, it’s a global trek. Temple of Doom constricts you and keeps you focused on one place, the titular Temple of Doom. The ending is very conclusive and is really happy. The other movies end but leave the story open, and they don’t end with a romantic kiss and a bunch of happy kids.

There are some truly memorable moments like the raft-parachute and the mine cart chase… both sequences were cut out of Raiders for timing reasons. The rope bridge sequence, the eyeball soup, beating hearts ripped from living victims, and Short Round… this movie had some great moments of its own.

This isn’t a great sequel. It lost some of the momentum from the first movie, but they get it back in the third. You can tell that they aren’t quite sure what Indiana Jones represents, but they get back on track for The Last Crusade (and ruin everything in Crystal Skulls). This movie has its moments and it’s still required viewing if you want to call yourself a movie buff.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (film)

Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Ring trilogy is concluded in the final film translation of Tolkien’s masterpiece. The surviving members of the Fellowship are scattered all across Middle-earth and Sauron is preparing an all-out assault on mankind. This was the first movie since Titanic to make over a billion dollars and it won eleven Oscars. Not too shabby.

Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) and the faithful Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin) are slowly but surely making their way to Mount Doom to destroy the Ring. Their treacherous guide Gollum (Andy Serkis) is leading them into a trap.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli (Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys-Davies) find Merry and Pippin (Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd) chilling in the flooded ruins of Isengard. After a brief and happy reunion, Pippin picks up Sauruman’s palantír and Sauron invades his mind. Gandalf is able to deduce that Sauron will attack Minas Tirith and that Sauron thinks Pippin has the Ring.

Gandalf and Pippin head out to Gondor and try to warn Denethor, the Steward of Gondor and Boromir and Faramir’s dad. Gandalf recommends that he asks Rohan for help, but he refuses because he is stupid and stubborn. Pippin lights a beacon and Aragorn, Theodan and his Rohirrim answer the call.

Elrond (Hugo Weaving) briefly visits Aragorn and presents him with his sword, Andúril, and Aragorn accepts his destiny as Isildur’s heir. He also realizes that they don’t have enough warriors to fight Sauron’s forces. His only chance to find the King of the Dead and get all his ghost fighters to join his side.

There’s a huge battle at Minas Tirith. There’s tons of orcs and men and massive oliphants and CG fighting. It’s not looking good for Gondor, but then the Rohirrim show up and the battle continues. And then when it’s not looking good for Gondor and the Rohirrim, Aragorn shows up with the Army of the Dead and they win the battle.

Gollum is leading Sam and Frodo closer and closer to Shelob the giant hobbit-eating spider. Gollum manipulates Frodo into thinking that Sam wants the Ring for himself and that he can’t be trusted. Frodo tells Sam to fuck off and go home. Frodo keeps following Gollum and enters Shelob’s lair. The spider gets him and it looks like he’s pretty boned, but Sam shows up and fights Shelob off, but it looks like Frodo is dead. Some orcs come along, find Frodo, and it turns out that he’s just paralyzed and they take him to Sauron’s fortress. Sam manages to free Frodo, and the two of them continue their trek to Mount Doom.

Aragorn and a ragtag army make their way to the Black Gate of Mordor with the intention of distracting Sauron while Frodo destroys the Ring. Just as Frodo is about to throw the Ring into the fire, he gets attacked by Gollum. They struggle and fight and Gollum and the Ring are briefly reunited as they fall into the lava pit. The Ring is destroyed but the movie is not over.

This movie has like 5 endings. You think it’s over when Sam and Frodo get rescued by Eagles. But it’s not. You think it’s over when Aragorn gets crowned King. But it’s not. You think it’s over when everyone bows down to the four hobbits. But it’s not. You think it’s over when the hobbits finally get back home to the Shire. But it’s not. You think it’s over when Frodo finally leaves Middle-earth with the elves. But you aren’t sure. And you are relieved when the credits finally roll.

This movie has a lot of differences from the book. All that business with Shelob takes place in the second book. Aragorn gets his sword in the first book. There’s a bunch of stuff missing. But it’s a movie and not a book and the movies left shit out but they did the books justice by capturing the feel of them. It’s a satisfying conclusion to a great trilogy. It didn’t deserve all those Oscars though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Daredevil (shitty film)

Daredevil is a pretty awesome comic book character. It just didn’t translate to the big screen. Mark Steven Johnson (Simon Birch, Ghost Rider) directs Ben Affleck in this jumbled and diluted tale of Matt Murdock, a blind lawyer by day and a masked vigilante by night. Daredevil fights crime in Hell’s Kitchen in New York City, righting wrongs, beating up bad guys, and kicking ass even though he can’t see anything. In this movie he meets Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan) and Bullseye (Colin Farrell), two of his main rivals in the comics. He also meets Elektra (Jennifer Garner), his sometimes ally, occasional foe, and passionate lover.

Daredevil Movie Poster

The movie begins with the origin of Daredevil. A young Matt Murdock is living with his dad, the aging boxer Jack “The Devil” Murdock. Being an aging boxer doesn’t pay the bills, so Jack has to work as a mob enforcer. Matt runs away and gets in a freak accident with some chemicals and loses his sight. His other senses become heightened and he starts honing his abilities. The mobsters kill his dad and Matt Murdock becomes Daredevil.

Matt Murdock meets Electra and the two of them have a romantic friendly fight and decide to hang out. Her dad is a criminal with ties to a shady new crime boss known as Kingpin. Kingpin doesn’t like Elektra’s daddy anymore and hires a deadly hit man named Bullseye to kill him. Daredevil tries to prevent the hit, but doesn’t succeed and Elektra thinks that Daredevil killed her dad.

A reporter named Ben Urich (Joe Pantoliano) has been investigating Daredevil and discovers his true identity. Rather that trying to publish a story, he helps Daredevil out and tells him that Bullseye is going after Elektra. He goes to help Elektra, but she kicks his ass instead and finds out his true identity and realizes that he didn’t kill her dad. She then goes after Bullseye herself, but she dies.

Matt fights Bullseye and defeats him and goes after Kingpin. He gets his ass beat for a while, but ultimately prevails and Kingpin goes to jail. There’s a few hints that Elektra might be alive, and one of the final scenes show that Bullseye is recovering in the hospital and it sets things up for a sequel that will never come to be.

Daredevil is a great comic book character… comic book, not film. Daredevil is blind, but the comics can depict Matt’s emotions show his fears, his thoughts, and his inner turmoil. Movies rely on pictures to tell stories. If your main character is a blind guy, there is no way to visually tell his story and that’s one of the areas where this movie fails. Daredevil’s world is darkness, and movies require light so that you can see what is happening. The two ideas clash and can’t coexist.

Jon Favreau plays Matt’s friend and business partner Foggy Nelson. You can tell that he is just taking notes on making a movie about a second-rate Marvel hero. And he did a great job because Iron Man kicks ass and Daredevil sucks.

This movie is slow. It is dull.  A bunch of things happen but nothing stands out. The worst part about this movie is that it makes Daredevil seem lame so newcomers wouldn’t want to read the comics. And you can’t blame them. This movie destroys Daredevil, Elektra, and Kingpin. Colin Farrell’s Bullseye is the least intimidating and most absurd comic book villain ever… even Jim Carrey as the Riddler is more frightening. Watch this movie if you want, just be aware that it disrespects the source material.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones is a cinematic icon. Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford were at the top of their game when the stars aligned and they came together to create Raiders of the Lost Ark. Harrison Ford created another character as classic and memorable as Han Solo, a nearly impossible feat. This film is nonstop action. Each action sequence is memorable and, more importantly, relevant to the plot. Indiana Jones is a hero who can’t quite catch a break, but refuses to fail.

Raiders of the Lost Ark Movie Poster

The opening sequence sums up Indiana Jones in a nutshell. He’s tromping through a jungle and explores a long lost temple. He discovers a rare object of indescribable historical significance and experiences booby traps and sudden betrayals and reveals his fear of snakes. Everything you need to know about the character and the trilogy is summed up spectacularly in the first few scenes. I say trilogy because there was no fourth movie that destroyed the franchise and made Shia LaDouche the heir apparent to donning the fedora and whip.

Indiana Jones is an archeology professor, one of the best in the world and he is recruited to by some military suits to keep the Nazis from finding the Ark of the Covenant. Indy’s old mentor Abner Ravenwood has a medallion that could reveal the location of the Ark, so Indy goes to find him before the Nazis do. Indiana Jones finds Abner’s daughter, Marion (Karen Allen), who says that Abner is dead and that she doesn’t know where the medallion is. It’s clear that Marion and Indy have a romantic past and that she’s bitter about something. Some Nazis come looking for the medallion and Indy saves her and the two of them team up and to Cairo with the medallion that she had the whole time.

They hang out in Egypt with a monkey and an old friend of Indy’s named Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). They learn a little about why the Nazis are so interested in finding the Ark and Indy finds out that his rival Belloq (Paul Freeman) is helping the Nazis find the Ark.

Indy has more information than the Nazis and is able to find the Ark. But nothing is ever easy for Indy and Belloq and the Nazis take away the Ark and trap Indy and Marion in an ancient tomb and leave them for dead. They manage to escape and there’s an exciting sequence with trucks and desert driving and Indy reclaims the Ark. Then the Nazis take it back but Indy is crafty and follows them and eventually gives himself up when he can’t destroy the Ark because it is too important. Belloq and the Nazis open the Ark and weird ghosty demons spew out and kill everyone who is watching, but Indy and Marion close their eyes and are spared because they didn’t see anything.

The movie ends with Indian Jones telling the military suits the significance of the Ark. They tell him that there are people working on it and then it cuts to the Ark in a crate being stashed into a huge warehouse with thousands of other identical crates.

Indiana Jones is a great character. He is bold and fearless but makes tons of mistakes and is flawed. He seems so brave and courageous but is scared of snakes. He seems so smart and educated but can’t spell for shit. He’s not perfect, that’s what makes him endearing. He is like James Bond but with a limp and a lisp, he’s almost as cool but can’t get away with everything. Things go wrong for him. He gets the artifact and loses it a second later. He gets in fights and fights dirty if he has to.

I remember that my dad got this movie at McDonald’s. Back in the day McDonald’s would occasionally sell movies and I remember getting a Happy Meal and coming home with the Raiders of the Lost Ark. We also got Dances with Wolves from McDonald’s too. I don’t know why that’s worth including in this review, but I had to share that with somebody.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a great movie. It’s the start of a great franchise and there’s no doubt that it’s the best movie in that franchise. Indiana Jones is one of those few characters that transcend film. You don’t need to have seen any of the movies to recognize Indiana Jones. The leather jacket, the whip, the fedora… Indiana Jones is almost as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. If you haven’t seen this movie you have failed at life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Superman Returns

Superman Returns is a very underrated comic book movie. It’s not a bad flick. It drags on in a few places, but it’s a pretty solid movie. The problem is that you either like Superman or you don’t. If you don’t like Superman, don’t watch this movie. Bran Singer (X-Men, The Usual Suspects) directs Brandon Routh as the Man of Steel. Kevin Spacey plays Lex Luthor and a horribly miscast Kate Bosworth plays Lois Lane.

This movie is as much of a tribute as it is a sequel to the Christopher Reeve films. The title sequence is like a time machine that takes you back to the original Superman movie. This movie is a sequel to the first two Christopher Reeve Superman movies and ignores the shitty third and fourth installments. Superman (Brandon Routh) left Earth to explore the remains of Krypton for survivors and returns after a five-year absence.

Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) has a kid and a new boyfriend named Richard White (James Marsden), the nephew of Perry White (Frank Langella), her boss and the editor of the Daily Planet. Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is freed from jail and dupes an old lady into leaving him her fortune, and Lex is back in the game.

Clark Kent goes back to work at the Daily Planet. The only person who seems happy that Clark is back is Jimmy Olson (Sam Huntington). Lois is completely indifferent to his return and seems super preoccupied with her obsession with Superman.

Lex gets a hold of some Kryponite and devises a plot to create a new continent. Lex will get a bunch of valuable real estate and billions of people will die. So naturally Superman has to try to stop this.

Lois Lane is trying to find a story and can’t find a babysitter, so she and her son go onto Lex’s yacht and stumble into the middle of his diabolical plan. Lex catches them and holds them prisoner while he executes his plan.

The huge land mass that he creates causes some damage in Metropolis and Superman flies around saving people and preventing mass casualties before flying out to sea to rescue Lois. Shit doesn’t go according to plan and Lex gets the upper hand and Superman almost dies.

Superman doesn’t die though. He survives his coma and finds out that Lois and Richard’s son is actually his son from when he slept with Lois in the second movie. And now he has more of a reason to stalk Lois. The movie never discloses what happens to Richard. I think he killed himself. Wouldn’t you? You can’t compete with Superman, he’s fucking Superman.

This movie’s biggest flaw is that it acts sort of like an origin story, or a reintroduction to a classic character. The problem is that everyone already knows who Superman is and what he represents. Just get to the fucking action already. And Superman is a super man… it’s boring to see him face off with someone mentally rather than physically. I want to see him fight Doomsday or someone who would put up a fight. Superman versus Lex Luthor has already been done multiple times on the big screen, something new would have been nice.

Kate Bosworth is hot. She just sucks in this movie. She is way too young to be playing Lois Lane. It’s not believable that she would have a five-year old son. She doesn’t do anything to assume control of the role. Margot Kidder is way better than she ever could be.

Brandon Routh does a good job as Superman. He looks a lot like Christopher Reeve, but still does subtle things to differentiate himself. He had big shoes to fill, but he did as good of a job as anyone could do. He makes Clark Kent and Superman two different people.

Kevin Spacey is having a lot of fun as Lex Luthor. He isn’t overacting as much as Gene Hackman, but he plays him over the top at times. Sometimes he is downright scary. He can flip a switch and go from merry to maniacal in a half second. Kal Penn is his henchman for some reason.

I saw this movie in 3D IMAX. The movie was almost all in 2D except for a few scenes. A little icon in the corner of the screen would prompt you to put on your glasses and the effect was amazing. If you wear 3D glasses the whole time, the effect wears off. But if only a few scenes are in 3D, the effect is more apparent and more relevant. Only a few key sequences were worthy enough to convert to 3D so you appreciated it more.

Yeah, this movie drags. Yeah, there could have been a better villain. But it brought Superman back to the big screen and that’s worth something. This movie was not a flop. It almost made $400 million. But people still hate on it and I don’t get why. If you appreciate Superman, you should like it. It’s not the best Superman story, but it’s not the worst. It is what it is, and it’s better than a lot of comic book movies.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Saved by the Bell

Damn, I miss the ‘90s. Saved by the Bell was the show for my generation. Everyone wanted to go to Bayside High School and hang out with Zack Morris and his gang. This was a show for kids, but it was about teenagers. It was pretty watered down, but they would handle issues like love, death, cheating, bullying, environmental issues, and drugs…  A lot of the plotlines are laughable today, but that is part of the appeal of the show. It affected you in ways that you don’t even realize, for example, I smoke weed, but I will never abuse caffeine pills.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar plays Zack Morris, the coolest kid in the world. They only other high school kid that is even comparable to Zack is Ferris Bueller. Ferris only had one movie, Zack Morris thrived for multiple seasons over three shows (Good Morning, Miss Bliss; Saved by the Bell; and Saved by the Bell: The College Years). Ferris Bueller would occasionally talk directly to the audience, Zack Morris could actually stop time and talk directly to the audience without the rest of the characters realizing it. Zack is preppy, but sometimes he’s a jock and competes on the track team. Sometimes he is a slacker, and sometimes he outscores Jesse on the SATs. Zack Morris is Saved by the Bell, if you don’t like him, than you don’t like the show.

Kelly Kapowski is one of Zack’s best friends and his occasional girlfriend. Every guy who watched this show had a crush on Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. She makes Kelly the beautiful girl next door, she is pretty, nice, the ideal American girl.

Dustin Diamond plays Screech, Zack’s best friend and a complete geek. He is really smart, but lacks common sense. He is usually the butt of the jokes, and he has a huge unrequited crush on Lisa.

Lisa Turtle is played by Lark Voorhies. She is spoiled and obsessed with fashion. She likes to gossip and she loves being popular. Cool tidbit about her character, she was originally supposed to be white and Jewish, but Lark Voorhies brought a new level to the character and luckily she was cast. She is underrated but is an essential asset to the cast.

Mario Lopez plays Albert Clifford “A.C.” Slater. Sometimes he’s Zack’s rival, sometimes he’s a really close friend. He is a jock, he is the captain of the wrestling team and is usually going out with Jessie.

Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is another one of Zack’s best friends. She is really smart but not as smart as Screech. She is a feminist and is politically correct and always tries to stand up to injustices. She can be pretentious at times, and even my seven-year-old self could recognize a bitch and Jesse is a bitch a lot of the time. But then she did Showgirls and got naked a lot and that was awesome.

Dennis Haskins plays Mr. Belding, the school principal. He tries to be an authority figure, but the kids don’t respect him. In fact, he always seems to be trying to get on Zack’s good side. He has to punish him occasionally, but it seems like he might be a pedophile and just wants a little attention from Zack Morris.

Zack Morris runs a lot of scams, he hurts a lot of innocent people, he uses and abuses his friends, he manipulates his parents, teachers, and Mr. Belding… he is still an icon to kids everywhere. He is a troublemaker with a heart of gold. And it doesn’t matter that he finds true love with Kelly or a girl that a he met on the beach for a few episodes… he is still the hero of the show and everyone wants to be like him. He made cellphones cool way before the iPhone.

This is a classic show. It’s not a good show. The writing is pretty terrible and often lazy. There is no continuity. Characters show up for a single episode and disappear forever. But this is one of those rare shows where catching a single episode will bring back memories of all the episodes that you watched. If you quote a line in a conversation and someone catches it, be prepared to geek out because you will start talking about your favorite moments, lines, and episodes. That’s part of the fun of experiencing a show like this.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Superman: Red Son (comic)

Superman is an American icon. But what if he wasn’t? Mark Millar’s story puts a simple twist on the Superman legend… what if baby Superman was twelve hours late and crash-landed into the Soviet Union instead of America? In this alternate universe, Superman lands in the Ukraine and comes to embrace Communism. Instead on an S on his chest, he sports a hammer and sickle. He makes the Soviet Union the dominating world power, while the US goes on the decline. The story is presented in three acts. The first act is establishes who this different Superman is and what he stands for. He is still a hero, he wants to help people, he is selfless, but he embraces the Soviet ideals instead of American ideals. The first act also introduces the other key characters, like the brilliant American scientist/genius Lex Luthor and his beautiful wife Lois “Formerly Lane” Luthor. There’s a Russian version of Batman who is leading a rebellion against the Soviet dictatorship. There’s a version of Wonder Woman that is also familiar and yet different. The second act is about Superman taking control of the Soviet Union. He doesn’t do it because he wants power, he does it because he feels obligated to help because he can help. Russian Batman is continuing to fight back against a dictatorship that’s headed by an all-powerful alien. With the help of Lex Luthor he lures Superman into a trap and nearly defeats him, but Wonder Woman saves Superman, even though it costs her a lot in the process. The last act finds Superman facing off against Lex Luthor, who is now the President of the United States. Lex is able to bring the US back from the point of total economic and social collapse, but it’s just the first step in his plan to destroy Superman. President Luthor uses Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, and other tactics to wage war on Superman. I don’t want to give away anything major, but there is a great twist. So here is a spoiler alert – in this alternate universe, Lex Luthor saves mankind and sires a long line of brilliant descendants, one of which is named Jor-L who sends his infant son into the past, where he crash-lands in a field in the Ukraine. Mark Millar does a great job of reimaging Superman as a Russian. He is recognizable, but his upbringing changes aspects of his being. The best part of this story is how they use familiar characters in different ways. You’ll recognize a lot of DC characters, from Oliver Queen to Brainiac. You’ll even appreciate the historical figures that pop up, like Stalin or JFK and his Hollywood lover named Norma Jean. The artwork is great, but it’s the story that stands out. It’s just a cool take on a character that everyone knows. Superman is the most important character in the DC Universe. He affects everyone and everything. You will like this book, even if you’ve never read a Superman comic before, but you’ll appreciate it more if you have a greater grasp of his origin. Critically Rated at 13/17

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Total Recall

Paul Verhoevan (RoboCop, Showgirls) directs Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. Arnie is Douglas Quaid, a regular guy from the future who dreams about going to Mars. Rather than taking an actual, physical vacation, Quaid opts to visit Rekall, where he can have an artificial memory planted directly into his brain that recreates a visit to Mars. He decides to upgrade his Rekall package for the secret agent package, and than the movie jumps into the main story and you aren’t sure if Quaid is dreaming or awake.

Douglas Quaid is a lowly construction worker who is married to Sharon Stone. Somehow he is not satisfied with his life and longs for more adventure. He is haunted by images of Mars and decides to take a virtual vacation to the Red Planet, despite the reservations of his wife (Sharon Stone) and co-worker/friend. Quaid goes to Rekall anyway and when they try to implant his artificial memories, they discover that he has already had his mind erased once and they decide to get rid of him to avoid any trouble.

Quaid stumbles into a plot that he can’t comprehend. His wife, his friends, people that he thought he could trust all turn on him and try to kill him. Quaid finds himself in the midst of an epic battle to control civilian life on Mars. His main foe is Richter (Michael Ironside) who works for the enigmatic Cohaagen (Ronnie Cox). Quaid makes his way to Mars where he meets an old ally/lover that he can’t quite remember named Melina (Rachel Ticotin).

Quaid meets a few characters on Mars, like the cab driver Benny and the mutant Kuato, and the three-titted lady who might not have a name, but needs no introduction.

I don’t want to spoil the movie, but everything that they say will happen in the movie happens in the movie. The movie spoils itself, they say what will happen, and it happens. You just have to experience how it happens.

They are making a remake of this movie. I have no idea why. Don’t mess with the classics. This movie was based on a short story, but I don’t care how loyal it is to the original concept. Total Recall is a Schwarzenegger movie. He can’t act and it doesn’t matter. There is no escape from that fact.

This movie was Inception before there was an Inception. It’s all about dreaming versus reality with lots of unnecessary action. Leo might be slightly more nuanced in his performance, but there are definite parallels between the two movies. Inception has a better script, a better story, and better actors… other than then that, they are kinda similar.

This is an action movie with some sci-fi elements thrown in to make Arnie seem more diverse. This is right around the cusp between traditional special effects and CG effects. It’s not as seamless as Terminator 2, but it’s a step in the right direction. Only a few effects are so bad that the draw your attention from the story, a rarity in those days.

They way that the movie ends, you aren’t sure is Quaid was experiencing everything or dreaming everything. It really doesn’t matter. You don’t know and you don’t care. There’s enough evidence to point to either outcome and there is no right answer.

There are some great moments in this flick. There are some iconic moments in this flick. It is just a mediocre action movie that is not Verhoeven’s best nor Schwarzenegger’s best. It’s not bad, it just is. And what it is what it is. There’s no reason for a Colin Farrell remake.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Daredevil: The Man Without Fear (comic)

If your only experience of Daredevil was that terrible Ben Affleck flick, I feel sorry for you. That movie did no justice to one of the best superheroes in the Marvel Universe. Frank Miller didn’t invent Daredevil, but he reinvented him and made him a badass. This graphic novel collects issued #1-5 of Daredevil: The Man Without Fear. It is an origin story, and it’s a great way to introduce yourself to the sightless world of the Daredevil.

Matt Murdock is a blind lawyer by day and a vigilante known as Daredevil by night. The story starts with a young Matt Murdock growing up in Hell’s Kitchen in New York City. He lives alone with his dad, a washed up boxer Jack “The Devil” Murdock. Jack’s glory days are well behind him and he is forced to do enforcement work for a local gangster. Jack’s biggest fear is that Matt will grow up and become a lowlife like him. He pushes Matt to stay out of trouble, to obey the rules, and to be a success.

One day Matt pushes an old blind guy out of the way of a truck, some toxic sludge gets on his face, and Matt loses his sight. Although he loses his eyesight, his other senses grow and he can use his heightened senses to get a sense of the world around him. He can feel the air and echolocate, and he gets heightened physical abilities like a ninja gymnast. He meets a mysterious mentor named Stick who teaches him to harness his abilities.

Jack’s dad pisses off the wrong people and ends up dead. Matt seeks his father’s murderers and wipes them out one by one. Stick catches wind of this and decides that he can’t teach him anymore and stops their nighttime lessons.

Matt Murdock grows up and goes to law school, where he meets his best friend Foggy Nelson. Matt also meets Elektra, a wealthy girl who also likes to run around under the cover of darkness. She is wild, untamable, and he loves her instantly. They have a brief but passionate love affair, but she breaks it off and moves away.

Matt graduates and becomes a lawyer and finds himself back in Hell’s Kitchen as an adult. A new criminal named the Kingpin has risen to power and crime is on a meteoric increase. Matt meets a young girl named Mickey and she’s having a hard time and Matt takes her under his wing and starts training her. She gets kidnapped by some lowlifes with ties to the Kingpin and in the process of saving her, the Kingpin becomes aware of the new threat to his criminal empire and they become enemies.

Frank Miller takes a ridiculous concept like a blind superhero in New York and makes it genuine. Like Batman: Year One, Miller takes an already established character and goes back into his their history to find out who they are and how they came to be. Dressing up in a costume and risking your life to fight crime doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years and years and a lot of fucked up events to twist your psyche into that level of delusion, and that’s what this story is all about.

Don’t let a bad Ben Affleck movie keep you from exploring the source material. They made Daredevil into a movie for a reason. He is an interesting character with cooler powers than you might think. Check out The Man Without Fear for yourself and agree with me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Out of Toilet Paper

Shit happens. You have to eat food every now and then to keep on living, and one byproduct of eating is having to poop. It happens to the best of us: Jesus, Suzanne Somers, and my cousin Brett have all been known to take a shit. We all do it. And there are few things as bad as realizing that you’re out of toilet paper mid-shit. And it’s always mid-shit too. There is some law of the universe that keeps you from noticing that the roll is empty before you start squatting. You only have a few options for dealing with this situation and none of them will get you laid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (film)

Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy continues with The Two Towers. All the key cast members of the original come back with a few new additions. The trilogy was shot back to back to back, so there is a definite sense of continuity.

The movie starts with a reprisal of Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) fighting the Balrog and follows his descent into the earth before transitioning into our main story. Frodo and Samwise Gamgee (Elijah Wood and Sean Astin) are continuing their trek into Mount Doom, while Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli (Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys-Davies) are searching for the kidnapped Merry and Pippen (Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd).

Frodo and Sam are trekking along but they soon encounter Gollum (Andy Serkis), a creature who will do anything to be with the Ring. Frodo makes him swear an oath to take him in to Mordor to the Ring. Merry and Pippen have been kidnapped by a gang of Uruk-hai who were slaughtered by the Riders of Rohan. Merry and Pippen manage to escape into the Fangorn forest and they meet an Ent named Treebeard.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are hot on the trail of the Uruk-hai who captured the hobbits. They run into Gandalf, who has been reborn into Gandalf the White following his epic battle with the Balrog. Now that Gandalf is back, he is able to free King Theodan of Rohan from a curse case by Saruman (Christopher Lee). Theodan is revived just in time to fight in an enormously one-sided battle that he is totally unprepared for.

Frodo and Sam are making decent progress with their trusty tour guide Gollum. But then Faramir (David Wenham), the younger brother of deceased Fellowship member Boromir, captures Frodo and Sam and decides to take the Ring back to Gondor.

Aragorn and Elven and Dwarven companions join King Theodan and the rest of the remaining Rohan warriors even though they face impossible odds. A few Elves show up to help the men against the orcs, but they don’t do much to prevent the inevitable onslaught of goblins. Just when all seems lost, Gandalf shows up with reinforcements.

Merry and Pippen have been chilling with the slow acting Ents and don’t make much headway. When all seems lost, they trick the elves into walking by Saruman’s pad and they see the destruction that he’s caused on the forest. They join the war and tear shit up and defeat Saruman.

Faramir has taken Frodo and Sam way out of the way and realizes that it’s not conducive to the plot and releases them. They continue their weary trek to destroy the one ring.

There is a lot going on and a lot of it strays from the novel. This is when Peter Jackson starts to take events from the second and third installments and use them interchangeably. Helm’s Deep is a major event in the movie and it’s just a plot point in the book. Frodo and Sam getting kidnapped by Faramir is tacked on for drama and to move key plot elements into the third movie.

The best part about the second movie is the addition of Andy Serkis as Smeagol/Gollum. He might have been CG, but he is a crucial supporting cast member. He could have been Jar Jar Binks, but he became a cinematic icon. Little kids are still spitting out their Smeagol screeches and Gollum growls.

This is a satisfying sequel. It sets things up perfectly for the final chapter. Because all the movies were filmed back to back, this has a definite transitional feel to it. This is a great movie and it made it cool to geek out.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Bruce Almighty

Tom Shadyac (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Liar Liar) directs this religious comedy about a guy who criticizes God and gets all His powers for a week to see if he can do a better job. Jim Carrey is Bruce Nolan, a TV reporter who thinks he is better than he is. He doesn’t get a promotion and he has a hissy fit and he ends up with godlike powers that he uses for selfish reasons before learning not to be selfish and losing his godlike powers. People in Hollywood do a lot of drugs.

Bruce Nolan is a reporter who hopes to be an anchorman, but nobody takes him seriously because he does human-interest stories and flails about like Jim Carrey. He lives with his girlfriend Grace (Jennifer Aniston) and has a pretty decent life but he doesn’t seem to realize it and he complains all the time. His co-worker Evan (Steve Carell) gets promoted to anchorman and Bruce has a little breakdown and challenges God.

God arranges a meeting between the two of them, and Bruce meets God face to face. God looks a lot like Morgan Freeman. God gives Bruce his powers for one week. The only rules are that he can’t tell anyone that he’s God and he can’t interfere with free will.

Bruce uses his powers to get revenge on people who wronged him, to get laid, to get promoted, to get famous… he pretty much abuses his powers in every way possible. He becomes aware that he can hear people praying and asking for help. He starts to help them out but then he decides it’s easier to just say yes to their prayers rather than paying attention to what they are wishing.

Bruce’s actions have consequences. And he’s God, so his actions have really big consequences. Bad things start to happen, both in Bruce’s personal life and with the rest of the world. Grace leaves Bruce and Bruce tries to get her back, but he can’t interfere with free will, so his attempts to get her back don’t work.

Bruce eventually realizes that being God is kind of hard and maybe he shouldn’t be so critical. And wouldn’t you know it, but he gets a second chance with Grace. So you can do everything wrong and fuck up the world and still get a second chance at happiness because you deserve it, damn it.

This movie is funny and it made a lot of money, but it’s not one of Jim Carrey’s better movies. Religious comedies are a weird genre of cinema, but Life of Brian is the best one. Bruce Almighty is too family friendly to be funny.

They made a shitty sequel with Steve Carell’s character called Evan Almighty. I’m surprised they haven’t made a shittier sequel with Morgan Freeman’s character called God Almighty.

This movie has some good scenes, but Bruce isn’t a likeable main character. Grace should have left him. He is an asshole. He becomes totally powerful and uses that power to instinctively help himself. He is a selfish motherfucker and Evan deserved the raise over Bruce from the start.

If an ordinary guy became God, no doubt crazy shit would happen. And some weird stuff does happen in this movie, but they could have done a lot more. There are infinite ideas to explore and it seems like they were holding themselves back to be more of a kid’s movie. Tom Shadyac used to make movies where Jim Carrey talked out of his butthole… they definitely lost some edge.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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