Category Archives: Entertainment

TV, Movies, etc

June 14, 2012 · 9:45 am

Swamp Thing: The Curse (Book 3)

Alan Moore is a remarkable storyteller and Swamp Thing contains some of his best work. This volume collects issues #35-42 of Saga of the Swamp Thing. The Swamp Thing meets a new ally named John Constantine, and he deals with a few new things that go bump in the night. The Swamp Thing is a horror comic, and this is a great showcase of what horror comics can be.

The first story is about a crazy guy named Nukeface. He’s addicted to a toxic sludge that a shady business is discreetly disposing of. He tries to share some of his delicious poison with the Swamp Thing and it ends up disintegrating him. But the Swamp Thing learns a new trick, his consciousness is not a part of his physical form and he can essentially recreate a new body for himself. He learns that he is capable of leaving his body in one place and re-growing a new one in another place.

The mysterious John Constantine shows up. He offers the Swamp Thing knowledge about what he is and what he is capable, in exchange for the Swamp Thing going around and stopping evil from spreading across America. Constantine sends the Swamp Thing to Rosewood, Illinois. A few years ago, something evil came to the town and they flooded it in order to destroy the evil. Now the town of Rosewood lies underwater, but the evil managed to thrive. This short story has one of the best interpretations of vampires that I’ve ever come across in literature. Moore twists vampire lore to make them unique creations. Vampires die because of oxygen and sunlight. It makes sense that they would thrive underwater. Driving a stake through its heart kills it because it causes oxygen to enter the heart directly.

The Swamp Thing is able to defeat the underwater vampires, and Constantine sends him on his next mission. The Swamp Thing must deal with The Curse. A lady named Phoebe is having her period and is pissed off and angry at her husband. Throughout the day, she is feeling more and more rage, and more and more detached until she reaches the breaking point and is transformed into a werewolf. This is a cool variation on the werewolf legends… werewolves transform once a month and you can argue that women do the same. This isn’t a sexist story, you have to read between the lines.

The last story in this volume is about a TV show about life of a plantation in the South. A new show is being filmed in the Swamp Thing’s hometown. There are a few celebrities in town and a bunch of the townspeople are hired on extras to portray the plantation’s slaves. Before too long, the actors are having trouble staying in character and it appears that the plantation’s tragic past is being relived through the people involved with the show. The past catches up with the present, and the dead start to rise to seek justice.

Saga of the Swamp Thing is a horror comic. The world is going to hell, and the Swamp Thing is one of the few things that can save it. I’ve seen vampires and werewolves and zombies a thousand times before. But I’ve never seen them depicted like this. They are unique and still recognizable. Alan Moore creates a world where the impossible can happen at any moment, and if it does, you’ll be glad if a walking/talking plant is willing to save you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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June 13, 2012 · 9:32 am

X-Men: The Last Stand

The X-Men are back on the big screen for the third time and Brett Ratner does everything he can to ruin everything that Bryan Singer tried to accomplish with this trilogy. Most of the main characters from the first two movies reprise their roles, but there are way too many characters to give anyone a decent amount of screen time. The end result is a bunch of mutants running around fighting each other but you don’t give a fuck about who is fighting or why.

The movie starts twenty years before the events of the main story, a middle-aged Charles Xavier and Magneto meet with a Class 5 mutant named Jean Grey. They have a brief discussion about how powerful Jean in, and whether or not she will control her power or if it will control her. The movie jumps ahead another ten years to a young Warren Worthington III as he tries to hide his mutant wings from his disapproving father.

The movie jumps to the present day as Worthington Labs announces a cure for the mutant gene. This causes a huge rift in the mutant community. Some mutants want the cure and others view it as a form of extermination. Magneto uses it as a chance to recruit more mutants to join his side. He recruits Callisto, Psylocke, Arclight, and Kid Omega (who should be named Quill, but whatever, details aren’t important).

Meanwhile the X-Men have lost Jean Grey from the events of the second movie, and Cyclops still hasn’t gotten over losing her. Shadowcat (Ellen Page) and Colossus have bigger roles on the team, and Beast (Kelsey Grammer) also joins the X-Men. Cyclops is all emo and goes to Alkali Lake and Jean reappears and the two are reunited. The joyous reunion is short-lived because Jean Grey is no longer Jean Grey, now she is the Phoenix.

Magneto keeps on recruiting more mutants to his cause. When he frees Mystique from her mobile prison, he also frees the Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones) and the Multiple Man. They join the Brotherhood of Mutants without any persuasion, as soon as they are introduced they are recruited. How convenient. When Magneto and his posse go to recruit the Phoenix/Jean Grey, they bump into Xavier and a few X-Men who have the same idea. Magneto and Xavier both try to persuade her to join their side and Xavier ends up getting disintegrated.

The X-Men are without their leader and Magneto gets ready for an assault on Worthington Labs to destroy the cure. The remaining X-Men (Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and Shadowcat) form their last stand and try to defend the island. There is a mutant battle and mutants fight and mutants die. Jean momentarily regains control of herself and asks Wolverine to kill her and the Phoenix and he does even though he doesn’t want to.

There’s a scene after the credits where it’s hinted that Xavier has transferred his consciousness to a comatose guy. If genes are responsible for mutation, this new body shouldn’t have any powers, just throwing that out there.

There are a lot more mutants in this movie than in the previous two. They add mutants without establishing who they are. Callisto, Kid Omega, Psylocke, Arclight, Multiple Man, and the Juggernaut are all new mutants and they don’t waste anytime trying to establish their characters. They literally come onscreen, say their name and mention their powers and pledge their allegiance to Magneto. Super lazy writing.

The  X-Men are also treated like an afterthought. Cyclops is barely in the movie. Rogue’s character is completely wasted. She never even obtained the ability to fly like she did in the comics… she voluntarily gets the cure and stops being a mutant. Xavier dies simply for shock value. Colossus is on the team for the whole movie, but he has fewer lines than he did in five minutes that he was in the second movie. And where the fuck is Nightcrawler? Adding Beast was a nice touch, but you couldn’t have another blue mutant on the team?

The worst addition to the franchise was Warren Worthington III a.k.a. Angel (Ben Foster). They introduce his character in the beginning, he has a dramatic escape from being forcibly given the cure by his dad, he comes to the mansion for sanctuary, and he saves his dad from falling. That’s his arc. He doesn’t join the X-Men. He doesn’t fight. He just wastes screen time and keeps other characters from getting developed.

The first two movies balanced action who deeper themes of acceptance, of tolerance, of being proud of who you are… this movie is just noise and fireworks. Ratner takes all the characters that Singer established and ruins them. He takes all the care and thought and attention to detail and casts it aside. He doesn’t care that the first two movies were foreshadowing something great, he wants explosions and meaningless special effects. And he delivers. This movie looks awesome. It’s just not coherent and the story sucks and any decent performances by the actors are lost in the chaos. This is a terrible way to end a great trilogy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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June 12, 2012 · 11:08 am

Rookie of the Year (film)

Funky buttloving, the early 90’s had a bunch of family movies about baseball. There was Little Big League, Angels in the Outfield, and The Sandlot. There was also Rookie of the Year, the tale of twelve-year-old Henry Rowengarter who gains the ability to throw 100 mph fastballs after he breaks his arm in a freak accident. Thomas Ian Nichols plays the title character, Gary Busey plays an aging pitcher, and Daniel Stern plays the annoying pitching coach and directs the movie as well. If you didn’t see this movie when you were a kid, you probably think that this movie sucks. And you’re right. It does.

Henry Rowengarter is an average kid who loves baseball. The problem is that he sucks at baseball. He spends his days hanging out with his two friends just having fun and being a kid. He lives with his single mom, and is annoyed with her new douchey boyfriend, Jack. Henry is the worst player on his Little League team and gets made fun of. One day he breaks his arm. When he finally gets his cast removed, the tendons in his arm have constricted, which gives him the awesome side effect of being able to throw a baseball at a hundred miles an hour.

Henry discovers his new ability when he’s at a Cubs game and the visiting team hits a homerun and he throws the ball back. The Cubs are a little desperate for talent and attendance and hiring a kid with an arm like Nolan Ryan would fill the seats. Jack sees dollar signs and becomes Henry’s agent.

Henry joins the Chicago Cubs without being drafted or playing a single game in the minors or even being of legal age. In his first game he comes in to relieve his pitching idol, the fading Chet “Rocket” Steadman (Gary Busey). He gives up a homerun, hits a batter, and throws a wild pitch on his first three professional pitches, but ends up with the win.

With the help of Rocket and the weird pitching coach Phil Brickma (Daniel Stern), Henry learns how to pitch. He starts to get sucked into the glamorous lifestyle of being a professional prepubescent pitcher and starts neglecting his friends. His sleazy agent hatches a plot to trade Henry to the Yankees, but Henry finds out and fires him. Henry realizes that he was being a dick and makes up with his friends and decides that this will be his last season.

Before he quits he wants to send his team to the playoffs. He comes in to relieve his idol in the final game of the season. He pitches well, but then he slips on a ball and loses his arm. He uses his wits and cheap tactics and an illegal pitch to retire the side and send the Cubs into the post season. The movie jumps ahead to Henry winning a Little League game and pumping his fist in celebration, and the movie ends on a close-up of his World Series ring. I guess the Cubbies did it. Even if it’s fictional you gotta take what you can get.

For a movie about baseball, they sure don’t respect it. You never see Henry take a warm-up pitch. You hardly see any real baseball plays. You just see a bunch of obvious discrepancies, like Henry isn’t even eligible to play, and he’s not eligible to win Rookie of the Year because he joined the Cubs in August and you have to pitch at least fifty innings to qualify. Nitpicky stuff, but other movies like Little Big League pay attention to baseball rules and that’s kind of important in a fucking baseball movie.

Gary Busey is a great actor and he has a decent appearance as Chet “Rocket” Steadman. His character is gruff and surly in the beginning but warms up to Henry and become a father figure to him. His great transitional scene is his moment on the mound with Henry where he talks about “hattitude” in a rambling attempt at a pep talk. Daniel Stern does a pretty good job directing this movie, but he insists on ruining it by playing the most annoying character in cinematic history. He is desperately trying to be funny, but even kids can tell when an actor is phoning it in. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but you can at least try to portray a character with a little respect for the audience. John Candy plays the announcer for the Cubs. It’s not his best role, but John Candy is always a plus. He made movies better just with his presence.

This movie is kind of lame. You might have fond memories of it, but if you study this film for its artistic merit you wont find any. It has its moments, but so do most movies. If this is your favorite 90’s kid’s baseball movie, you have obviously never seen The Sandlot.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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June 11, 2012 · 7:37 am

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The Lord of the Rings is the gold standard for epic fantasies. The Fellowship of the Ring is the first installment of the trilogy and introduces us to Frodo Baggins and the other occupants of Middle-earth. Peter Jackson cares a lot about the source material, and even though a lot of stuff is left out, the film captures the tone and feel of the book.

The movie begins with a little crash course in Middle-earth history. Back in the day, the Dark Lord Sauron made himself a ring that would give him the power to take over the world. There’s an epic battle with men and Elves and Prince Isilidur manages to defeat Sauron, and Isilidur decides to keep the Ring for himself. The Ring betrays him and he dies. The ring gets lost and forgotten for a few thousand years before the creature Gollum finds it and eventually a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm) gets his hands on it.

He has it for sixty years before he leaves it to his nephew Frodo (Elijah Wood). Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) finds out that the Ring is the Ring of Power, and that Sauron’s forces are trying to get it back. Frodo must take the Ring and leave the Shire. He sets off on this journey with his loyal gardener Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin). Gandalf goes to consult with his wizard pal Saruman(Christopher Lee) where he learns that Sauron has dispatched the Nazgûl to find Frodo. He also finds out that Saruman is also working for Sauron and Gandalf gets taken prisoner.

Frodo and Sam are trying to make their way to Bree to meet up with Gandalf. They are joined by Merry and Pippen (Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd). The four hobbits are being perused by the Nazgûl, but manage to make it to Bree safely. Gandalf isn’t there to meet them, since he’s all captured and stuff, but they meet a ranger named Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen). Aragorn is an ally of Gandalf and he leads the hobbits to the Elven city Rivendell. Along the way the Nazgûl attack Frodo and stab him with a morgul blade. That’s bad. And if Frodo doesn’t get to Rivendell as soon as possible he will turn into a wraith. That’s bad. Luckily Aragorn’s Elf girlfriend Arwen (Liv Tyler) shows up to save Frodo’s life.

Frodo and his companions finally make it Rivendell. Gandalf is there and he explains how he escaped Saruman’s clutches. Uncle Bilbo is there too, and they get to have a little hobbit bonding time. Elrond the Elf (Hugo Weaving) puts together a council to determine what to do with the Ring. They decide their only course of action is to destroy the Ring by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom, right in the heart of Sauron territory. Frodo puts it on himself to take the Ring, He is joined by Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippen and Aragorn. And Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Boromir the guy from Gondor decide that they want to join the Fellowship of the Ring too. Orlando Bloom plays Legolas, John Rhys-Davies plays Gimli, and Sean Bean plays Boromir.

The Fellowship embarks on their journey, but Sauron and Saruman aren’t making it easy for them. They have to worry about spies and orcs and trolls.  Gandalf tries to fight a Balrog and ends up dying a little bit. The Fellowship keeps moving on, but the Ring corrupts Boromir and he goes a little crazy. He attacks Frodo and tries to steal the ring but Frodo escapes. And then the Fellowship gets attacked by the Urik-Hai. Boromir dies, Merry and Pippen get snatched, and the Fellowship is in shambles. Frodo decides that he must take the Ring to Mount Doom by himself. He sneaks away from the group, but Sam tracks him down and Frodo lets him tag along. It’s always better to bring a friend when you have to do something alone.

The movie does the book justice, but the book is better. The film leaves out a lot of characters (no Tom Bombadil?!?) and events. Everything gets condensed and simplified. There are a lot of differences between the book and movie, but this is more faithful to the source material than the second and third installments.

This is a great start to a great trilogy. A lot of stuff might be missing, but Peter Jackson takes you to Middle-earth. What he does show you is amazing. Tolkien’s world comes to life and it feels real. There is a sense of history, it makes the unbelievable believable.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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June 10, 2012 · 1:06 am

The Hangover Part II

Todd Phillips returns to direct Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover Part II. The Hangover was was an amazing movie, it was totally unexpected and out of the blue. The Hangover Part II is a complete retread and copies almost everything that the first one does and puts a slight twist on it.

Two years after the events of the first film, the Wolf Pack is reunited to celebrate Stu’s upcoming wedding. Ed Helms is the guy getting married in this movie, and even though Doug (Justin Bartha) isn’t getting hitched this time and can actually join in the fun, he is still shunned and ignored and has no bearing on the plot. Justin Bartha needs to fire his agent.

Stu is getting married to Lauren, and the Wolf Pack and Lauren’s little brother Teddy have a toast on the beach with some sealed beers. The next morning they wake up and Teddy has disappeared and they find themselves duplicating the events of the first film without realizing that they have done all the same shit before.

Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifinakis stumble their way through their way through the plot, periodically spitting out semi-memorable one liners. They are trying to find out where Teddy is, and each time time they get closer to finding out his location, they get face another setback.

Ken Jeong returns as Chow, in an even bigger and more exposed role. He plays a bigger character, he actually effects the plot.

The Hangover sequel borrows heavily from the plot of the original. You can deduce what will happen and when it will happen and if you are surprised than you are an idiot and can’t pay attention. This movie is a comedy. It’s not trying to fool you.

The movie is funny but it’s not as funny as the original. They are trying to recapture the feel of the first by completely copying each scene with a slight variation. Instead of finding a baby, they find a monkey. Not the same, and not as funny.

You are trying to pretend that it’s funny and that you like it. But you are lying to yourself. It’s like going skydiving for the second time… you are just going through the motions and the thrill is gone. It’s not as great as you remember, because it was totally new the first time.

The Hangover is a great comedy. It’s funny and original. The Hangover Part II is a decent sequel to a great comedy. It’s less funny and less original. It’s tired. It’s a rehash. It’s a YouTube sequel. You could have made a better follow-up and you didn’t and I hate you for that.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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June 9, 2012 · 10:00 am

Twister (film, not the awesome game)

Twister was the first Hollywood movie released on DVD. That alone is reason enough to watch this movie. Jan de Bont (Speed) directs Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister. They play a couple of storm chasers who track down tornadoes. For science.

Helen Hunt plays Jo, a meteorologist with a traumatic tornado-ridden past. Bill Paxton plays Bill Harding, her husband who shows up seeking her signature to finalize their divorce so he can marry his bitch girlfriend Melissa (Jami Gertz). Bill and Jo used to partners, both on the field and in the sack, but now Bill is out of the tornado chasing game. Jo has developed a tornado researching device based on Bill’s designs that they codenamed DOROTHY. Bill and Melissa tag along with Jo and her team of storm chasers as they attempt to launch DOROTHY before a rival team of storm chasers launch their own rip-off version of DOROTHY and steal all the credit.

Cary Elwes plays the rival storm chaser, Jonas Miller. He has a corporate sponsorship. He is like Team X-Bladz and Jo’s side is like Team Pup ‘N Suds. And if you don’t get that reference I feel sorry for you. Jonas swoops in and tries to take all the good twisters, but he doesn’t understand them like Jo or Bill. Cary Elwes has a ridiculous accent in this movie. I can’t tell if he’s trying to be Southern or Midwestern, but c’mon, you’re Cary Elwes and we know you are English and we want to hear your English accent. You don’t see Hugh Grant trying to talk like an American.

Bill is trying to move on with his life with Melissa, but he can’t escape the fact that storm chasing is in his blood. And so he returns to his old ways, and starts to go on the hunt for the chance to release DOROTHY into a tornado so that they can use science to develop an early warning system. With each new and more powerful tornado he experiences, he becomes closer to Jo and more distant to Melissa.

By the time the final and most powerful tornado shows up, a motherfucking F5, Bill and Jo are fully reconciled and Melissa can fuck off. Bill and Jo manage to deploy DOROTHY and tornadoes will never again plagued mankind. Happy endings rule.

This is a weird blockbuster. It has a bunch of actors that you recognize, but none of them are really movie stars. Bill Paxton is famous, but he’s not Brad Pitt. Helen Hunt was really big for a while but she faded away. You recognize Cary Elwes from the Princess Bride, Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. You might even recognize Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday from Lost). But most of the actors aren’t that big. The special effects were cutting edge at the time, but they look dated now. Flying cows just aren’t that impressive anymore.

Twister is an action film, but sometimes it seems like a horror movie. Especially how the tornadoes seem to stalk Jo. She can’t escape them. They killed her father and they keep coming after her. It’s pretty suspicious how each one of the twisters becomes more violent. First it’s a weak F1 which escalates into an F2, and then there’s and F2, and later an F3. Then an F4 almost wipes out Jo and her group and tries to kill her aunt. And then an F5 forms and heads straight for her and almost kills her, mirroring the F5 that killed her dad. Nature is a bitch and it hates Helen Hunt.

Watching this movie now is a trip. This movie came out in 1996 and you forget about how there was no technology back then. They storm chasers communicate by radio, not by iPhone or Droids. They have archaic computers and software to simulate weather patterns, not with iPads or knockoff tablets. Alan Ruck’s whole character could be replaced by Tom Tom or any standard GPS.

I feel like everyone has seen this movie. You almost had to. But it’s not that good. It’s really dated, it doesn’t hold up. It’s a decent story of man versus nature, but I always thought that man versus bad man with a gun is a better story.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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June 8, 2012 · 9:56 am

Eldest (book)

Eldest is the second book in Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle. It continues the story of a young Dragon Rider named Eragon and his dragon Saphira as they continue their fight against the forces of the evil King Galbatorix. If you like dragons, war, magic, and epic tales of revenge and honor than you’ll like these books. Paolini is a young writer, and his style is a bit easier to read than authors like Tolkien.

The story picks up just a few days after the events of Eragon. The leader of the Varden, Ajihad, is suddenly attacked and killed. Murtagh is also attacked and presumed dead. Eragon’s scar that he got from fighting the Shade causes him to have seizures a few times a day, with no way to stop them. Things aren’t off to a cheerful start. Ajihad’s daughter, Nasuada, assumes control of the Varden.

Eragon and Saphira go off to Du Weldenvarden, home of the elves, to continue training as a Dragon Rider. When he arrives he meets Oromis and Glaedr. Oromis is the last true Dragon Rider and Glaedr is his dragon. Oromis is broken though, he can only do easy spells. Glaedr is missing a leg, he too is broken. Eragon also finds out that Arya is a princess. He starts to have feelings for her, but she doesn’t feel the same.

Oromis and Glaedr teach Eragon and Saphira what it means to be bonded. Eragon and Saphira become more dependent on each other and their connection grows even stronger. The Elves have a ceremony called the Blood-Oath Celebration, and Eragon is transformed into an Elf-Human hybrid, and he gets superhuman senses and gets stronger and stuff. Even better, his back gets healed and he no longer has seizures from doing normal Dragon Rider stuff. And even though he’s kinda Elvish now, Arya still won’t have him and so he’s sad about that.

While Eragon is learning more about magic and Dragon Ridering, the story occasionally flashes over to Roran, Eragon’s cousin. Galbatorix can’t get to Eragon easily, so he sends the Ra’zac to Carvahall to get Roran. Roran leads the people of Carvahall in a battle against the Ra’zac and they manage to hold their own, but Roran’s fiancé Katrina gets snatched by the Ra’zac. Roran vows to get her back, but until then he has to protect the people of Carvahall. He decides the best way to do that is to evacuate the town and get all the villagers to leave and join the Varden.

The Varden meets the evil king’s army for the Battle of the Burning Plains. Eragon and Saphira show up in time for the battle. Roran and the people of Carvahall show up in time too. And there’s fighting and violence and suddenly another Dragon Rider appears. And it’s Murtagh! He didn’t die, and now he’s working for Galbatorix.

A lot of people compare the first book to Star Wars, and you can definitely see similarities. Eldest has a lot of similarities to Empire Strikes Back. The protagonist finds a new mentor to train him, one who is even older and wiser than the previous one. He leaves his training early to help his friends in a fight. There’s a huge revelation involving family. And basically all the characters you know and love return and there’s a few new ones, and the story gets more complex and darker.

This is a fun fantasy novel. Paolini has a very clear idea for how his universe works. This book really explores how magic works in Alagaësia. There are rules and consequences if you break the rules, like he did in the subplot with Elva, the baby that he thought he blessed but actually cursed.

If you like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones but can’t get through a chapter in those books, you should try the Inheritance Cycle. It’s not an easy read, but it’s an easier read. It’s more like Rowling than Tolkien. There’s still a lot of detail, themes, and layers, it’s just presented in a more friendly fashion.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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June 7, 2012 · 10:08 am

Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express is a stoner action film staring Seth Rogen, James Franco and Danny McBride. David Gordon Green directs and Judd Apatow produces. It’s about a stoner who witnesses a murder and gets wrapped up in the middle of a drug war. I hate when that happens.

Seth Rogen is Dale Denton, a 25-year-old process server who dreams of being on the radio someday. He smokes weed and buys from a smalltime dealer named Saul (James Franco). Saul sells Dale some rare weed called Pineapple Express, and Dale goes back to work. He’s waiting to serve a guy named Ted Jones (Gary Cole) ,and he witnesses Ted and a cop (Rosie Perez) kill an Asian guy. Dale freaks out, tosses his roach and goes to Saul for help.

Saul buys his weed from a guy named Red (Danny McBride), and Red buys from Ted. Pineapple Express is really rare and Ted is the supplier, so he is able to trace it back to Saul and Dale.

They go on the run. They spend the night in the woods and have a little bonding time. The next day they go to visit Red and find out if he’s told Ted anything. And he did, because he was threatened by two henchmen (Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson). Dale and Saul get in a clumsy stoner fight with Red, and they escape before Ted’s henchmen come back.

They go to warn Dale’s high school girlfriend (Amber Heard) and her family that they might be in danger. And even though her dad tries to kill Dale and Saul, he’s able to convince them to hide out a hotel.

Dale and Saul have a fight, and Dale says that they were never friends. Saul gets caught by Ted’s men and Dale decides he has to save him. He gets Red to help, but Red bails at the last minute and Dale confronts Ted’s gang alone. He gets captured pretty quickly and is reunited with Saul in a cell.

They chose a pretty good night to get captured, because Ted’s rivals, the Asians, stage a raid of Ted’s base. Saul and Dale manage to escape and they are killing their way out, while the Asians are killing their way in, and Ted’s guys are killing everyone. Even Red comes back to kill some people.

Dale, Saul, and Red all manage to survive. And they celebrate by getting breakfast and deciding to be best friends.

If you are a fan of quality entertainment, you might recall a show called Freaks and Geeks. Judd Apatow developed that show and Seth Rogen and James Franco starred in it. It’s good to see them working together again. Even Kevin Corrigan guest starred in an episode.

This movie has a few cool action scenes, but it never forgets that it’s a comedy. So the fights have gags in them. Saul and Dale don’t know how to fight and it shows. The car chase scene was completely absurd and it was really fun to watch,

As with a lot of Apatow movies, the dialog seems to flow. Everything seems improvised. James Franco and Seth Rogen are perfect for this movie, but Danny McBride steals the movie as Red. He has so many great lines. And he can’t die.

Pineapple Express is a solid comedy. People will still be quoting it in twenty years. It doesn’t take itself too seriously… that whole subplot with the Asians feels pretty tacked on and I’m sure that it’s intentional. All things considered, it’s a fun film and comedies should be fun.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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June 6, 2012 · 11:00 am

Pulp Fiction

There are a few ways that men prove they are men. We light fires. We memorize sports statistics. And we quote Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino is movie nerd and you can tell that he knows how to make a great film. He might lift things from obscure movies, but he has his own style and voice and he makes movies that you can watch over and over again.

The movie is non linear. There are three main stories that are somewhat self-contained, but certain events and characters are common in all the segments. The film starts with Pumpkin (Tim Roth) and Honey Bunny (Amanda Plummer) staging a robbery in a restaurant, before it jumps into the first story about Vincent Vega (John Travolta). Vincent and his partner Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) are two hit men working for Marcellus Wallace (Ving Rhames). Vincent and Jules make casual conversation before they kill off Brett, some fool who owes Marcellus Wallace money. Later Vincent has to take Marcellus Wallace’s wife out to dinner and keep her company. Vincent and Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) go to Jack Rabbit Slim’s, a ‘50s style diner and enter a dance contest and they win. They have chemistry, but there’s no way that Vincent can act on it. While Vincent is talking to himself in the bathroom, Mia finds his heroin, assumes that it’s coke, and overdoses. Vincent manages to save her life and his own in the process.

The next segment is about Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis), an aging boxer who agrees to throw a fight for Marcellus Wallace. He then bets on himself to win and beats the other boxer to death. Now he’s a rich man but has to get out of town before Marcellus Wallace finds him. His girlfriend forgets to pack his gold watch, and the sentimental value is through the roof, so he has to go back to get it. He gets his watch and nearly gets away, but he runs into Marcellus Wallace and they have one of those savage street fights where you end up trapped in a pawnshop by two sadistic rapists and their pet gimp. While Marcellus is getting some unwanted attention, Butch manages to escape, but comes back to save Marcellus from getting more raped.

The last part is about Jules, and the film jumps back to Vincent and Jules shooting Brett. After the kill him, a guy that was hidden in the bathroom jumps out and unloads his gun at Vincent and Jules but doesn’t hit anything. Random fact of the day: the guy that was hiding in the bathroom is Alexis Arquette, better known as the tranny Arquette. Jules is convinced that it was a miracle he didn’t get shot. And then Vincent shoots Marvin in the face and they have do deal with that. They have to get off the road and get cleaned up. And then they get breakfast.

They get breakfast at the same restaurant that you see in the beginning, and sure enough Honey Bunny and Pumpkin are robbing the place and the movie comes full circle.

This movie requires repeated viewings. It is just so dense, and the stories are so interwoven and integrated that you will always note something new. Not only will you notice previously neglected details, but also you will be able to absorb the dialog. The dialog flows like poetry. Christopher Walken’s cameo is his best monolog on film. Harvey Keitel stands out as the Wolf and has some great lines.

The soundtrack is amazing. Tarantino has a gift for choosing the perfect song to suit the scene. He doesn’t resort to using cheesy pop hits by popular artists, and that’s why the soundtrack still holds up today.

This is a great movie. It’s a cult classic and it inspired a bunch of copycat movies. Tarantino makes movies for movie nerds. He steals stuff from other movies and doesn’t hide it or deny it. And even though he takes stuff, he still personalizes it and makes it his own. He has his own style from copying from multiple genres and it works. He makes great movies, and if Pulp Fiction is a respectable favorite movie to have.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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June 6, 2012 · 10:53 am

Finding Money

You could be having the worst day of your life, but nothing makes you smile like putting your hands in the pockets of a jacket you haven’t worn in a while and finding twenty bucks. It’s like a present from your forgetful self. Sometimes you’ll be trudging along the street and you’ll notice a little piece of paper with a familiar face on it. It might just be a five, but that’s a Slurpee and some munchies at 7-Eleven. Finding money on the ground at the bar is like winning the lottery.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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June 5, 2012 · 10:25 am

Boy Meets World

When I was a kid, Friday nights were reserved for ABC’s TGIF lineup. Boy Meets World was one of my favorite shows growing up. I grew up watching that show. Ben Savage is Cory Matthews, the Boy who meets the World for seven seasons, taking him from middle school to high school to college. The first couple of seasons were grounded in reality and it was a family show. Then something happened and the show became self-referential and a parody of itself. And it was awesome.

Cory Matthews is a regular kid growing up in Philadelphia. He lives with his parents Alan and Amy (William Russ and Betsy Randle), his older brother Eric (Will Friedle), and his younger sister Morgan (played by Lily Nicksay and later Lindsay Ridgeway). He spends his days hanging out with his best friend Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong) and later on with his girlfriend Topanga (Danielle Fishel). He lives next door to his perpetual teacher, Mr. Feeny (William Daniels).

At first Cory deal with issues like falling asleep in class and failing a test, thinking his mom is having an affair before realizing it’s a misunderstanding, and dealing with an embarrassing haircut. In later seasons the storylines become absurd: Eric goes to Hollywood and joins the cast of Kid gets Acquainted with Universe for an episode, Cory becomes a WWII soldier who gets amnesia, Shawn gets into college.

This really isn’t a good show. If I didn’t grow up watching it, I probably wouldn’t like it. But I did grow up watching it, and so if I’m channel surfing and catch it, I have to watch it. It’s a curse.

The show has a hazy sense of continuity. Topanga had an older sister that disappeared and she became an only child. Shawn had an older sister and a half-brother that both disappeared, but that’s cool because later he got another half-brother (Matthew Lawrence) who became a cast member. Cory’s sister disappeared for a season and came back as a different actress. Mr. Turner (Anthony Tyler Quinn) was a big character for a while, and then he got in a motorcycle accident and never showed up on camera again. Minkus (Lee Norris) was the stereotypical nerd and he also vanished for a few seasons before he popped up when they graduated from high school.

When you’re watching the show season by season you can see that it gets really bizarre. My guess is that they replaced the writers with people who had never seen the show. They just made up backstories and histories to spice up episodes, and never bothered to see if it conflicted with continuity.

The show was on from September 24, 1993 until May 5, 2000. This show was the 90’s. You get to see Cory and Shawn grow up, both physically and emotionally. They had to revamp the show a few times, and it jumped the shark quite a few times. But people love to watch a train wreck, so they kept coming back each week, for seven seasons. You can’t deny that it’s a cult classic. It’s no Saved by the Bell, but it’s still a staple of my generation’s childhood.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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June 4, 2012 · 11:54 am

Billy Madison

Adam Sandler is Billy Madison in Billy Madison. Tamra Davis (Half Baked) directs Adam Sandler in his first starring role. Billy must prove to his father that he is competent enough to take over the family business. The best way to prove his competence is to repeat first grade through his senior year in high school, spending two weeks in each grade. This wasn’t a box office hit, but it’s Adam Sandler’s best movie.

Billy Madison is a loser. A rich loser. He spends his days getting drunk and chasing imaginary penguins around his dad’s mansion. Billy is the heir to the Madison Hotel chain, but his dad doesn’t know if he can handle the pressure of running a Fortune 500 company. Billy proposes that he goes back to school to show that he can graduate without his dad’s help or influence.

Billy starts reliving his childhood two weeks at a time. He draws a blue duck with Miss Lippy in first grade. He falls for Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson), his third grade teacher, and he makes friends with Ernie and a few other students. Elementary and middle school is fun, but eventually Billy winds up in high school again. This time he isn’t as popular as the last time around and he makes amends with people he bullied in high school (like Steve Buscemi in an awesome cameo).

The villain of the story is Eric Gordon (Bradley Whitford), who stands to gain Madison Hotels if Billy fails. Naturally he tries to sabotage Billy, and when Billy finds out he challenges him to an academic decathlon to determine who takes over the business.

I am beginning to suspect a certain trend of happy endings in Hollywood movies, because Billy ends up winning even though he’s probably suffering from brain damage. Billy is not smart. He has occasional flashes of brilliance, but he’s not a smart character. He knows that there is no “w” in “couch” but still struggles to spell it correctly. He’s mean too. He picks on little kids and belittles them and makes no attempt to say sorry or rectify the situation.

There are some great supporting roles in this movie. Norm Macdonald stands out as Billy’s loser friend. He’s the kind of guy who steals thirty bagged lunches, lights bags filled with shit on fire, and has pickle races down store windows. Chris Farley plays an angry bus driver. He throws a banana peel out the bus window, and shots of the slowly decomposing peels become interspersed throughout the movie, before the peel leads to the demise of the O’Doyle clan.

There is a simple plot with a lot of random moments. A lot of elaborate sequences have no real bearing on the movie, most notably the opening chase of the imaginary penguin. There’s a sudden musical number, as inspiring as it is confusing. The movie doesn’t take itself seriously, but there should be more of a reason behind gags like that.

This is Adam Sandler’s best movie. Happy Gilmore is the only other candidate for his best movie. Sandler is not that funny. He is goofy. He makes weird noises and makes fun of lunch ladies. He’s not a great comedian, but he can turn a film into a vehicle for himself and that’s not easy to do. If you missed the ‘90s for whatever reason, you can watch this movie and catch up.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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June 3, 2012 · 8:37 am

X2: X-Men United

X2 is a great sequel and one of the best comic book movies to date. Bryan Singer returns to direct, and most of the cast from the original come back, with a few new mutants and characters joining the fun. The story is bigger, the stakes are higher, the fights are more elaborate… this is a perfect sequel.

The movie starts with a bang as the teleporting Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming) launches a near fatal attack on the US President. The President escapes injury, but the stage is set for the next level of the mutant/human war. Professor X (Patrick Stewart) dispatches Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) and Storm (Halle Berry) to track down Nightcrawler, while Professor X and Cyclops (James Marsden) go to visit Magneto in his plastic prison.

Magneto (Ian McKellen) has been tortured into giving William Stryker (Brian Cox) information about Xavier’s school for mutants. Stryker has been using his son’s power to manipulate and control mutants. Professor X and Cyclops walk into Stryker’s trap and they are captured. He plans on manipulating Xavier into using Cerebro to kill all the mutants.

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) has been hunting around Alkali Lake for clues to his past, but when he doesn’t find anything, he returns to the mansion and winds up acting as the babysitter while everyone else is advancing the plot. He catches up with Rogue (Anna Paquin) and meets her new boyfriend Bobby Drake a.k.a. Iceman (Shawn Ashmore). The happy homecoming is short-lived as Stryker’s forces attack the mansion and the mutants are forced to flee.

Iceman takes Rogue, Wolverine and their friend John/Pyro (Aaron Stanford) to his parent’s house to hide out. Iceman comes out as a mutant to his family, and they aren’t too accepting. His little brother calls the cops on them and there’s a little showcase of raw mutant power before the X-Men (minus Cyclops and Xavier) all meet up again.

The X-Men are making their escape, but then the get attacked, but then they are saved by Magneto and Mystique. And so they decide to all join forces and become X-Men United. They make their way to Alkali Lake to confront Stryker, save Xavier, and save the world. Of course there has to be a slight twist and so there is one. So if you haven’t seen this movie that’s been out for more than nine years, be grateful that I didn’t spoil anything. This movie sets everything up for a great third installment, but then Bryan Singer left and Brett Ratner came in to ruin the final film.

One thing that has bothered me since the first time that I saw this movie is that Iceman doesn’t stop the raging floodwaters. I mean he’s Iceman. He can turn water vapor into ice. Surely he can turn cold water into ice. I mean there’s snow all around, it’s already cold, and it wouldn’t be that hard.

The first movie uses mutants as a metaphor for racism and equality. Charles Xavier is like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Magneto is like Malcolm X. This movie uses mutants as a metaphor for homosexuality and equality. Iceman comes out to his parents. He fearfully tells them that he is a mutant and his mom’s response is, “Have you tried not being a mutant?”. Director Bryan Singer is gay, and for him to include a scene like this in a summer blockbuster could have been controversial, but I think it adds to the context of the film.

This is a great movie, it’s a great sequel. It’s the best X-Men movie to date. There are great characters and awesome fights. There are morals and messages and themes and references to the comics that only avid fans will get. The opening sequence with Nightcrawler is one of the best opening scenes in any movie. It draws you in and you are instantly hooked.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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June 2, 2012 · 9:45 am

Kung Fu Panda 2

Kung Fu Panda was a surprisingly good film, and this sequel takes everything good about the first one, and expands it. It is a deeper and more complex film but is just as entertaining as the first one. Director Jennifer Yuh Nelson directs and Jack Black reprises his role as Po the Kung Fu Panda. It’s a cool CG movie with lots of action, comedy, and heart.

Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, David Cross, Seth Rogan, Lucy Liu, and Dustin Hoffman all return for the sequel, and Gary Oldman, Michelle Yeoh, Danny McBride, Dennis Haysbert, and Jean-Claude Van Damme join the voice cast as well. Props must be given to Jennifer Yuh Nelson for directing the highest grossing movie ever for a woman. Being a Korean American, she respects Asian culture and it shows on screen.

The main villain of this movie is an evil peacock tyrant named Lord Shen (Gary Oldman) who fears that a panda will one day defeat him. So he kills off all the pandas in China, except for one… the one who would grow up to be Po the Dragon Warrior (Jack Black). Po is living with his goose dad, Mr. Ping, and he begins to question his origins. Ping explains that he found Po in a radish crate when he was a baby, and he adopted him.

Po’s teacher, Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) continues training Po, saying that he still has to achieve inner peace. Shifu soon finds out that Lord Shen has returned to power. Shen has a powerful new weapon that is capable of wiping out Kung Fu. It’s up to Po and his animal posse to stop him.

They have a few battles with Shen, and they lose when Po’s past catches up with him. Shen and Po fight and it looks like Shen kills Po. But Po is the Kung Fu Panda and the franchise wouldn’t work without him, and so Po comes back and saves the day, having finally achieved inner peace. Inner peace makes you a more violent and efficient fighter. The movie ends on a cliffhanger, setting things up for a third chapter.

Kung Fu Panda was a fun movie. Kung Fu Panda 2 is a fun movie that is about self-discovery. Po is questioning who he is. His past comes into play. It references the first film while preparing you for the next one. It is the perfect second act in a trilogy. I have high hopes for the next one.

The animation is pretty good. It’s not as impressive as Pixar’s animation, but it serves the story well. The story is improved over the first one. It explores more themes and delves into more complex issues than the first movie.

Jack Black pretty much plays Jack Black in all his movies. When you hear Jack Black but see a fat panda, it is more enjoyable. He has a face made for voiceover.

Kung Fu Panda 2 is on par or perhaps exceeds the original. DreamWorks will never be Pixar, but they still know how to entertain.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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June 1, 2012 · 10:40 am

The Matrix Revolutions

The Wachowski brothers direct the third and final installment of the Matrix trilogy. Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, and Hugo Weaving reprise their roles as Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, and Agent Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith also returns, and this time she actually affects the plot. The machines are ready to attack Zion, and Neo is still in a coma. I hope that everything turns out ok.

Revolutions picks up right where Reloaded leaves off. Neo is in a coma, machines are bearing down on the last refuge of mankind, and the human race is looking pretty fucked. Neo is trapped in purgatory, which looks a lot like a subway station. The subway is controlled by The Trainman (Bruce Spence). The Trainman is an ally of the Merovingian, and Trinity and Morpheus pay him a visit and ultimately succeed in freeing Neo.

Neo visits the Oracle one last time, and this time she looks different. That’s because the original actress died and they had to replace her. They act like it’s an intentional recasting and an essential part of the story. Actors sometimes die during the filming of a movie, and this was an awkward way to handle it. They could have simply not used the Oracle character again, or they could have recast and not addressed it like when Richard Harris died and Michael Gambon took over as Dumbledore, or they could have used old footage and stand-ins like in The Crow. It cheapens the memory of Gloria Foster, and even though Mary Alice does a good job, she is still an imposter.

In the real world, Agent Smith still has possession over an ally of Neo’s named Bane. Bane sneaks onto Neo’s ship and beats the shit out of Trinity and blinds Neo with a power cable, but Neo discovers a new ability to see machines and programs as glowing entities.

Morpheus and Niobe are trying to get back to Zion and save it from the Sentinels. They do some crafty maneuvering to get back home, and get back in the nick of time and set off an EMP, stopping the machines temporarily, but putting Zion in grave danger in the process.

Neo reaches the Machine City and warns them that Agent Smith will take over the Matrix, and that’s bad for both machines and humans and so they decide to make peace, and Neo enters the Matrix to face his enemy.

Smith has taken over the Matrix, every single occupant is one of his copies. And rather than fight them all at once like he did in the second movie, he fights just one of them as the rest watch, as bored as you are by this point. First they fight on the ground. And then they fight in the sky. And they fly around punching and kicking and talking about the inevitable. And you are glancing at your watch. It is sad when a franchise with so much potential ends with poorly animated CG replicas of Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving slapping each other in a green thunderstorm in the sky.

I won’t tell you how the movie ends, because I don’t think it’s even worth talking about. It’s just a disappointment. It’s confusing, it’s incoherent… the Wachowskis will pretend like it’s deep and an intellectual movie. It’s not. It’s a pretentious piece of crap. It’s noise. How long can you see a sea of metallic sperm attacking cave people before you don’t give a fuck? No one cares about Zion. It’s called THE MATRIX… this isn’t the Terminator. Machines with A.I. has been done before, getting jacked into an artificial world is slightly more original.

The Matrix trilogy is a pretty decent trilogy all in all. The first movie is the best. The second movie starts to slip and falter, but has some great moments (mostly the freeway sequences). The third movie is just bad. All the best ideas for action scenes had already been used. It just feels tired and drags on and on. There isn’t anything that stands out in the movie. It’s just a sad end to a once great franchise. At least The Animatrix was good.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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May 31, 2012 · 10:02 am

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

Walt Becker (Wild Hogs, remember that gem?) directs Ryan Reynolds as Van Wilder in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder. Reynolds plays Van, a collegiate Peter Pan, who has partied for seven years at Coolidge College. Tara Reid plays Gwen Pearson, a reporter for the school paper who has to do an article on Van. Kal Penn plays Taj Mahal, a racist caricature of an Indian foreign exchange student who acts as Van’s assistant.

Van Wilder is the party king at Coolidge College, and one day Van’s dad gets sick of paying for his son’s tuition and stops paying for it. Van starts planning and throwing huge parties to pay for tuition with his friend Hutch, and his assistant Taj’s help. When an attractive reporter named Gwen is assigned to writing an article about him, he thinks it would be more fun to try and steal her from her douchebag boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Richard (Daniel Cosgrove) is on the fast track to being a successful doctor, in direct contrast to the free spirit Van. The two start a prank war (because that’s what happens in cliché college comedies) and the highlight is when Van replaces the cream filling in a box of éclairs with dog semen and Richard and his douchebag friends devour them. There’s a great line, “I think I’ve had these before.”

National Lampoon Van Wilder Original Van Wilder

So the prank war gets out of hand and Van ends up getting expelled. But he has a chance to clear his name at a hearing, and he asks that they reinstate him so he can get his degree and graduate. And because this is a movie and he’s the main character, they decide to give him a chance. And he succeeds and gets his diploma and the girl. Bet you didn’t see that coming.

National Lampoon’s track record was pretty impressive. In the 80’s. And they had a few scattered hits ever since, but most of their shit is straight to video now. Their plots and characters are not unique. Their humor is lowbrow and dated. They use exaggerated sound effects and use fast motion in a vain attempt to be funny. Van Wilder is no exception, it just benefits from having a likeable lead actor like Ryan Reynolds. He really carries the film, he makes Van fun, cool, likeable, and most importantly, believable. Tara Reid does a decent job playing the love interest, you forget that she used to be kinda hot. This movie is proof of that. And there’s a quick cameo from Aaron Paul from before he was famous as Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad.

Shame on Kal Penn. Van Wilder was made in 2002 and he plays the stereotypical Indian exchange student. He is a joke, he is a punch line. He has a ridiculous accent. He is a horny virgin would do anything to please Van Wilder. Two years later Kal Penn would star as Kumar in Harold & Kumar. That movie makes fun of stereotypes and destroys them. And after that, he returned to playing Taj Mahal for a chance to star in a terrible Van Wilder sequel. Have a little self-respect.

This movie has a terrible plot and a lot of crappy jokes that either aren’t funny or don’t lead to anything. But Ryan Reynolds redeems the movie. He carries it and makes it fun. There are a few funny jokes, but only one gag out of three works. It’s a good comedy, but it shouldn’t be your favorite. If it is, you need to expand your horizons. Watch Airplane! or the Naked Gun trilogy. That’s comedy.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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May 30, 2012 · 9:52 am

X-Men: First Class

X-Men: First Class is a prequel to the X-Men trilogy. The studio plans on it being the start of a new trilogy. It’s the origin story of Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr and how they became Professor X and Magneto. It’s set in the swingin’ sixties, right around the Cuban Missile Crisis, which plays an important part in the film. I love movies with alternate histories, it’s better that blatantly sabotaging history like they did in Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor.

X-Men First Class Poster

The movie starts out with a familiar scene: a young Erik Lensherr is being separated from his parents in a concentration camp and he demonstrates his ability to manipulate metal. An evil Nazi doctor (Kevin Bacon) tries to get Erik to recreate the event and kills his mom. For motivation I guess. And so Erik gets a little emotional and unleashes his powers.

Meanwhile back in America, a young Charles Xavier meets a young runaway shape shifter named Raven Darkholme, and he invites her to live with his family within ten minutes of knowing her and without consulting with his parents. It was a simpler time back then.

The movie jumps to the 1960s and CIA agent Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne from Bridesmaids) finds out that a former evil Nazi doctor, currently using the alias Sebastian Shaw, is planning on starting World War III. He’s the leader of the Hellfire Club, filled with mutants like the telepathic Emma Frost (January Jones), the teleporting Azazel, and the tornado-maker that they call Riptide for some stupid reason. Moira decides she needs to find an expert on mutants, and she turns to Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) for help. Charles and Raven decide to help the CIA stop Sebastian Shaw and the Hellfire Club.

Meanwhile Erik Lensherr (Michael Fassbender) is busy tracking down former Nazis and killing them, all the while searching for Sebastian Shaw to seek revenge for killing his mom. Erik, Charles and the CIA all find Shaw at the same time, and shit goes down, Shaw escapes, and Erik and Charles become friends.

Charles and Erik meet Dr. Hank McCoy, and Charles makes his first use of Cerebro to track down mutants to join their cause. They recruit the winged stripper named Angel, the ultrasonic screamer Banshee, the rapidly evolving Darwin, and Havoc the hula hooping energy blaster. There are some pretty lame powers. A spitting dragonfly lady?!? A man with such a shrill scream that he can use it to fly?!? Darwin has an awesome power, too bad it looks stupid as fuck on screen.

While the young recruits are bonding the plot keeps trudging forward and eventually the Hellfire Club manipulates a Russian general into sending weapons to Cuba, thus starting the Cuban Missile Crisis. The X-Men go to battle with the Hellfire Club and Erik gets to Shaw and gets his revenge.

Erik goes crazy with power and tries to destroy a bunch of military ships. Charles tries to stop him and they fight and Charles ends up getting shot. Erik is sad that Charles got paralyzed and stuff, but he decides to part ways with his friend, taking Angel, Riptide, Azazel and Mystique with him. The movie ends with Erik, now calling himself Magneto, recruiting Emma Frost to his side… The sides are set for X-Men: First Class 2 – How Xavier Goes Bald.

I would rate this the third best X-Men movie. X2 is the best, followed by the original X-Men, and First Class is after that. The film was rushed into production, and there are a few parts where it is evident, but for the most part it’s a solid script with a lot of good moments. The cast lacks the star power of the original trilogy, and a lot of the mutants are second string. They changed a lot of stuff from the comics. There are some cool fight scenes, but I was disappointed with a lot of the powers. They are pretty second-rate. There are way too many mediocre mutants showcasing boring powers.

The third X-Men movie was a huge setback for the franchise. The Wolverine movie had its moments, but it was a terrible movie and butchered a lot of good Marvel characters. First Class is a step in the right direction, and even though it has a few flaws, it still redeems the franchise.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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