Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Miracle of Life

The miracle of life is not that you exist… It’s that you exist despite impossible odds. Think about it. Every single living organism came from another organism before it. In the case of complex life, you only exist because your parents existed and copulated and you popped out. You go back further and your parents only existed because your grandparents existed and they copulated and popped out your parents and somehow your parents met and out of all of his sperm and her eggs, you were the end result. And you go back further: your grandparents came from your great-grandparents, and on and on it goes. You can trace your fucking family tree all the way back to amoebas in theory.

It’s amazing to think that everything alive is only alive because their parents fucked and their parents before them fucked and all life is derived from the successful fucks that end up in births. So if you die a virgin, you might go to heaven but you didn’t contribute to anything down here.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Five Hundred

Five hundred is a pretty decent number. It is halfway to a thousand. That’s what this is. It’s the landmark 500th post on Critically Rated. Before this, I didn’t know that there were 500 things worth Critically Rating. Now I don’t know if I can stop judging the world. Five hundred posts is kind of a milestone. And you’re reading this too, so you are a part of history now. Congratulations. We did it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dead Bird Roadkill

Mankind created the wheel and then we created roads. And then we ran over animals and started calling it roadkill. Most of the time the roadkill in question is a creature like a skunk or raccoon, sometimes a deer, and occasionally a dog or a cat. They are mostly animals that walk to get around and they have no choice but to cross over highways, roads and streets.

So if you see a dead bird roadkill, that bird either was trying to die or deserved to die. That fucker can fly over the road, safely out of harm’s way. It’s a fucking bird. It should be in the sky, not on the fucking street anyway.

I know there are flightless birds that don’t have a choice, but I think they are just being lazy. They have wings, I can see them right there. So flap them and fly, you stupid penguin.

Mama ducks parading their ducklings into traffic doesn’t impress me either. Ducks are waterfowl. They should be in the water, not playing in the street. My mom taught me that what I was a kid. The mother duck isn’t setting her kids up for success pulling stunts like that.

A bird that ends up as roadkill is a failure. It literally failed at life and got hit by a car and died. I don’t feel sorry for dead bird roadkill and neither should you. You can’t reward stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“That’s What She Said!”

A lot of things get old. Not “That’s what she said!” jokes though. The brilliance of “That’s what she said!” is that it is a spontaneous reaction to a victim of awkward phrases. In the old days if someone said something that was vaguely sexual nobody would acknowledge it. Now you have to say “That’s what she said!” It’s a habit, it should be an impulse, and you shouldn’t even have to think about it. If someone says, “That won’t fit,” or “I’m still sore from the weekend,” your immediate response should be “That’s what she said!”

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Saying Goodbye

If you’re living your life right, you’ve probably met a few people. You might have even formed friendships or had relationships with some of them. But life has a way of plodding along. Things change and people move away. You have to make the most out of the time that you have together, because the good times won’t last forever. Inevitably, you’ll end up saying goodbye to someone that you don’t want to leave. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s sad having to say goodbye. But that’s life and you can’t stop living. The only good thing about goodbyes is that you have another excuse to get drunk.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Belly Buttons

Belly buttons are freaky reminders that you once lived in your mom’s vagina. There two main classifications of belly buttons. You have your standard “innie” and you have your creepy “outtie.” You want to be an innie because nobody likes outties. Adolph Hitler was an outtie. Mother Theresa was an innie. Walt Disney didn’t even have a belly button.

It feels weird to poke your belly button with your finger. Try it. Just don’t let anyone see you fondling your belly button because they will judge you.

Pierced belly buttons are sexy. On girls. Dudes should generally avoid getting a naval piercing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sin City (film)

There are quite a few movies based on comic books, but Sin City takes it to a new level. It is a comic, but they used actors and Hollywood effects instead of paper to tell the story. Robert Rodriquez and Frank Miller co-directed this film translation of Miller’s Sin City and convert the comic into a cinematic masterpiece. This movie has it all: violence, nudity, honest cops, corrupt cops, hitmen, hitwomen, prostitutes, criminals, clergymen, and pedophiles. You probably wouldn’t want to watch it with your mom.

The movie starts with a mysterious lady (Marley Shelton) on a balcony overlooking the city skyline. She’s approached by a smooth-talking guy (Josh Hartnett), and they have a casually nuanced conversation, which ends with the guy shooting her. It turns out that he was a hitman and it’s implied that she hired him to kill herself. It was an indirect suicide. Welcome to Sin City.

The next story is about a cop on the verge of retirement trying to solve one last case. Hartigan (Bruce Willis), is pushing sixty and has a bum ticker, but he’s not gonna let a little heart problem stop him from rescuing the kidnapped Nancy Callahan. Nick Stahl plays the pedophilic perpetrator. He is a member of the powerful Roark family, and his corrupt senator father keeps the cops off his back. That doesn’t stop Hartigan from going after him and shooting his dick off. Hartigan almost dies, but Nancy lives. He reasons that it’s a fair trade.

The film jumps over to tell Marv’s tale next. Marv (Mickey Rourke) is a brute, a beast, a gladiator, and ugly as hell. A beautiful and sexy whore named Blondie (Jaime King) is in trouble and sleeps with Marv for protection. He wakes up to find her dead, and he is framed for her murder. He has to find out who killed Goldie and why. He begins following the trail and finds out that Cardinal Roark is involved. The Roark family sure gets around. Suffice to say, Marv kills a lot of people and avenges Goldie’s death.

Marv Sin City

Clive Owen headlines the next segment. He plays Dwight, a do-gooder who gets himself involved in a war between the Old Town prostitutes and the mob. Jackie Boy (Benicio del Toro) hits Brittany Murphy and makes her cry. Dwight decides he doesn’t like that and he doesn’t like Jackie Boy. So he follows him to make sure that he doesn’t hit any more girls. Jackie Boy goes to Old Town where the prostitutes are and pulls out a gun when his charms don’t get a girl into his car. The prostitutes kill Jackie Boy and then they find out that he’s a cop. The prostitutes freak out because a dead cop means that the truce between the cops and whores would end and then the mob could wage war for Old Town. Dwight has to get rid of the body before that happens. And he does.

Next we return to check in on Hartigan. It’s about eight years later and Hartigan has been stuck in jail, framed for kidnapping and raping Nancy Callahan. He finally gets out and goes to make sure that Nancy is safe. Not only is she safe, she’s Jessica Alba now, and she’s a stripper, and she’s totally in love with him. The only downside is that Roark Junior is back, and so is his dick, and now he’s yellow and smells like shit. This time Hartigan might be too old to stop him. He’s not though, and he kills that yellow bastard and saves Nancy’s life again. Then he shoots himself in the head so no more Roarks will go after Nancy. He dies, but Nancy lives. He reasons that it’s a fair trade.

Hartigan and Nancy

The last part of the movie deals with Alexis Bledel’s character getting shot by Josh Hartnett’s hitman. The movie comes full circle and you are anxious for the sequel. It should come out in 2013. That’s been way too long.

The movie is in black and white except for what they choose to show in color. Everything that is depicted in color is shown in color for a reason. Sometimes it is a siren illuminating the character, sometimes their eye color is highlighted, and it always important. Everything that is in color is significant. You just have to figure out why.

Sin City is the ultimate comic book movie. It is one of the first films that depicts truly and tastefully what a comic book translation is capable of. This isn’t a movie, it is a comic come to life.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Flip Cup

Flip Cup is a drinking game. The object of the game is to flip your cup after you drink it. If your team can drink all their beers and flip all their cups faster than then other team, victory is yours. Each team has the same amount of competitors. You chug your beer, you flip your cup, and the person behind you does the same. The team that drinks all their beers and flips all their cups upside down first wins. If you get drunk, you are playing the game right. Good for you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Best Gangnam Style Yet

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Day Drinking

Day drinking is exactly what it sounds like… drinking during the day. Most of the time drinking is a nighttime activity. You drink after work, or at a Saturday night party, or a casual Wednesday night get-together. The problem with day drinking is that you’re drinking during the day and you still have the night to contend with. You can either take a siesta or you can just keep on drinking until the moon is out and the stars are shining. It’s ok to pass out for a few hours, as long as you crack a brew when you come to.

Day drinking is a challenge. It’s not for the weak hearted. Plan ahead. Buy a 30 pack of beer, have some hard liquor, you’ll need Red Bulls and caffeine, and don’t forget a sandwich. You have to eat or you will die. And try not to drunk dial people. It’s weird to get a shitfaced call at 3:34 PM and they will think that you are an alcoholic. Remember: the trick is to pace yourself. You are going to poisoning yourself all day so you don’t want to overdo it. And seriously, don’t forget the sandwich.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Catching Up With An Old Friend

You meet people, you form friendships, and sometimes you drift apart. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just a fact of life. In the old days, they would just be a distant memory. Nowadays, Facebook makes sure you know when their birthday is. At least once a year you can post a message on their wall and reestablish contact without being a creeper. Then you will inevitably make plans to meet up and hang out like you did in the glory days. Catching up with an old friend is one of the best things in life. Especially when you can just pick up a conversation where you left off, despite it being months or years since you’ve last seen each other. You might not hang out all the time now, but they are always there for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Manos: The Hands of Fate (bad movie)

If you have an hour and ten minutes to waste, you can watch Manos: The Hands of Fate in its entirety. But be forewarned, you really will waste an hour and ten minutes of your life watching this travesty of a film. The acting is terrible, the sound is terrible, the plot is terrible, the editing is terrible, the cinematography is terrible, the music is terrible… the whole movie is terrible. But you can’t stop watching. And scientists are still struggling to find a valid reason why.

The man responsible for the movie was a guy named Harold P. Warren, and he bet his friend that anyone could make a horror movie. The end result was this piece of shit. Harold P. Warren wrote, directed, produced and starred in this cult classic.

Michael (Harold P. Warren), Margaret, their daughter Debbie, and the family dog are on a lengthy road trip and stumble upon an isolated house inhabited by a crazy cult. They meet the housekeeper, a goat-like creeper named Torgo. Seriously, this guy is supposed to be a satyr (half-goat man from mythology), but no one seems to acknowledge his goatishness. Michael needs shelter for his family and Torgo seems reluctant, because the Master wouldn’t approve.

Nonetheless, Michael and his family leave their car and enter the creepy house. They see a portrait of the Master and his Doberman, and they are creeped out a little more. Then they hear a noise and Michael discovers that their family dog has died somehow. It becomes apparent that something is not quite right.

The family is forced to stay the night because of a combination of a broken-down car and a lack of telephones. Torgo does some things to advance the plot, like hitting on Margaret and tying Michael to a pole.

Then the mysterious Master is reanimated and he has a bunch of wives dressed in nightgowns. They have a brief discussion over what to do with the family and it culminates with the wives having an awkward fight over whether or not to kill the child. They roll around in the sand, leaving you scratching your head as to why it was included in the final cut. The only viable reason is to kill some time and pad out the running length a little bit.

The Master has his wives beat up Torgo. Then he cuts off Torgo’s hand and sets it on fire. Then the Master kills his first wife as a sacrifice to Manos, the god that his stupid cult worships.

Michael and his family have one last stand against the Master, but the Master wins. And the ending is so stupid that I won’t reveal it, because I’m just hoping that you might actually watch this garbage like I did.

This movie is bad. There is nothing good about this movie. You could not try to make a movie this horrible. It just sort of happens. This is the cinematic equivalent of using a camcorder to film a middle school play and projecting it onto the big screen. It’s beyond amateur. All the sound was recorded in post-production. And you can tell.

There are two contenders for the worst movie of all time. This movie and Plan 9 From Outer Space. Just let that sink in. This is the worst color movie of all time. That’s not opinion. That is fact. Watch it. Just don’t get mad at me later.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Simultaneous Drunken Conversations

When you first arrive at a bar with a few friends, everyone is engaged in a single conversation. As time goes by and the drinks go down, the conversation starts to branch out and soon you simultaneous drunken conversations all over the place. Everybody has something to say and the more you drink, the more inclined you are to share your opinions. You alternate between blabbing about bullshit and nodding your head in agreement while drinking your drink. There’s a conversation about football to your left, a discussion about Kim Kardashian to your right, and a hundred other meaningless debates raging in your near vicinity. Just jump into one and don’t leave until you need another drink. It’s just drunk talk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Live Ninja Theater

I love legitimate theater.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

If you say that you like comics and you’ve never read The Sandman, then you don’t know even what comics are capable of. In this first volume of the acclaimed series, writer Neil Gaiman introduces you The Sandman, who is also known as Dream, Morpheus, or a dozen other pseudonyms. Dream is what he sounds like, he is the master of the Dreamworld, he controls dreams, he is Dream. Not a bad gig right? Neil Gaiman blends history, myth, religion, magic, and creates one of the best works of literature of all time. Yeah, it’s that fucking good.

Preludes & Nocturnes collects the first eight issues of the series. It begins in 1916 when Roderick Burgess tries to capture Death and winds up capturing her brother Dream instead. Dream is held captive for more than seventy years. Burgess dies and his son Alex takes over holding Dream hostage. Dream is able to escape, and traps Alex in a perpetual nightmare as punishment.

Dream returns to the Dreamworld and Cain and Abel restore his health. As Dream inspects his kingdom, he finds it in shambles. That’s what happens when you neglect your kingdom for a few decades. Dream embarks on a quest for his totems of power: a bag of sand, his helm, and his ruby, which he lost while imprisoned.

Dream decides to track down his sand pouch first. He gets a little help from John Constantine. One of Constantine’s ex-girlfriends has it and eventually Dream is reunited with his magic dream sand.

Next up is the helm, and Dream finds out that a demon has it. He goes to Hell to pay Lucifer a visit and reclaim it. He has a battle of wits with the demon that currently lays claim to it. Dream is victorious and leaves Hell with Lucifer and the demons grudging against him.

The last item he seeks is his ruby, and that is the hardest one to obtain. Dream put a lot of his power into it, so much that whoever is in possession of it is more powerful than him. And a creepy little guy named John Dee has it now. You might recognize John Dee as the DC villain Doctor Destiny.

John Dee wreaks some havoc toying with the Dreamworld and disrupting the order of things. John Dee and Dream have a dual and Dream is losing when John Dee destroys the Ruby and its power is returned to Dream, making him more powerful than he’s been in centuries.

Preludes & Nocturnes wraps up by introducing Death, Dream’s punky, gothic, and attractive sister. They have a weird little family dynamic. You can tell they are siblings by the way they converse and bicker with each other. They have an interesting conversation as Dream feeds pigeons and as Death goes around collecting recently deceased souls.

Preludes & Nocturnes does a great job of establishing Dream/Morpheus as the brooding and powerful main character. You begin to understand who he is and what he is capable of. And you learn that he has a lot of flaws for a semi-deity. There are introductions to a lot of characters that have key roles in the series later on. They plant the seeds for story arcs that only become apparent as you read on.

Neil Gaiman is gearing up to take you on a great ride. He’s preparing your mind for a world where anything can happen, and by the end of this volume you are ready to embrace the world of The Sandman.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Indian on a Tootsie Pop Wrapper

If you’re eating a Tootsie Pop for some reason, you always have to check the wrapper for an Indian shooting an arrow at a star. They aren’t on every Tootsie Pop, so if you get one, consider yourself lucky. When I was a kid, if you found an Indian on a Tootsie Pop wrapper, you could bring it into the store and get a free Tootsie Pop. Some stores still abide by that unwritten rule. If you send your wrapper to Tootsie Roll Industries, supposedly they send you a short story called The Legend of the Indian Wrapper. That’s bullshit. I’d rather have free candy than propaganda.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Adding Water to Juice

A few months ago, I saw my friend pour himself a half glass of cranberry juice and then top it off with water. I laughed at him and then went home and copied him. In this economy, you need to get more bang for your buck. You need to stretch every dollar. Adding water to juice is a good way to save your money and have more to drink. Cranberry juice is already kind of bitter, if you dilute it with water it still tastes cranberryish. It’s good for babies and good for your budget. Don’t think of it as being cheap, consider it being frugal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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