Monthly Archives: August 2012

J1s

If you don’t know what a J1 is, then I feel sorry for you. J1s are glorified tourists who get a J1 visa that allows them to work in America for a few months, with extra time allotted to tour the states and see the sights. It’s basically a work and travel program for college students from various European countries and a few South American countries. If you’ve even been to New York City, San Francisco, Orlando, or any other hotspot during the summertime and heard a delicious accent from an employee at a touristy restaurant like Hard Rock or Boudin, that was probably a J1.

J1s live together in hotels or hostels, often 3 or 4 crammed into a small space. It is basically dorm living, but you are in America and you have a right to go crazy and party every day and night. And that’s what they do. The cool ones at least.

The J1s experience more of America than most Americans do. They make sure to visit New York City and San Francisco and everywhere in between. They visit Vegas and Disneyland and go skydiving. They live more in 4 months than a lazy American does in 4 years.

J1s have a chance to explore the world and they make the most of it. And then they go home and you talk to them on Facebook. If you are fortunate to befriend some of them, it’s comforting to know that you have a couch you can crash on in Croatia if you need. Or Serbia. Or Ireland. Just don’t go to Moscow. Long story.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Using the Bathroom After a Girl Takes a Shit

People eat food and as a result they defecate. Guys embrace toilet humor, girls avoid it. Guys are expected to leave the seat up and miss the toilet. We are supposed to fart and take long leisurely shits. Girls are don’t have that privilege, it’s scandalous when they fart in public. I know that they have to shit; I just don’t want to hear about it. Using the bathroom after a girl takes a shit is a terribly dehumanizing experience. Girls are supposed to be flowers and sunshine. Dealing with the aftermath of their explosive poops will make you realize there’s no such thing as perfection. And that stinks (in more ways than one).

Critically Rated at 5/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

City of God (film)

Some movies change your life. This is one of them. It’s the story of a kid named Rocket and his struggles to escape the crime and gang activity that surrounds him in the City of God. It’s a Brazilian film and all the dialog is in Portuguese with English subtitles. A lot of people are thrown off by movies that require reading, but this is one of the best movies of all time, so don’t let a little reading deter you from experiencing this film.

The movie starts with a chicken escaping some gangsters. That’s the ideal way to start any movie by the way. The gang is running after the chicken and they cross paths with Rocket, our main character and narrator. Rocket thinks that the gang wants to kill him and the films jumps to a flashback to explain why.

It begins with the tale of the Tender Trio who spend their days doing small robberies and heists in their slum town called the City of God. Rocket’s older brother is Goose is one third of the trio, the other members are Shaggy and Clipper. The Tender Trio share their loot with the citizens in exchange for protection from the police. A young hoodlum named Li’l Dice wants his shot at the big time and he plans a hotel robbery with the Tender Trio. He’s too young to participate so they make him the lookout. Instead of keeping an eye out, he shoots the fuck out of the hotel occupants. The slaughter draws the attention of the cops and marks the end of the Tender Trio and the rise of Li’l Dice.

The movie jumps forward a few years to the ‘70s. Rocket is busy trying to stay out of trouble. He’s developed an interest in photography but is more preoccupied with losing his virginity. Li’l Dice is more preoccupied with power and wants to control the City of God. He changes his name to Li’l Zé and starts to kill off all the drug dealers to get their turf and customers. Li’l Zé’s partner in crime is Benny. While Li’l Zé is ruthless and cruel, Benny is popular and cool. He’s still a gangster, but he’s not bloodthirsty.

Zé takes over all the competition, except for a dealer named Carrot who is friends with Benny. There’s a brief period of peace for a minute, but then a gang of street kids called the Runts don’t respect the fact that there’s a new boss in town. Zé has a recruit kill a Runt to send a message. Zé also decides that he wants all the turf and wants to kill Carrot, the only thing stopping him is Benny.

Benny dies because that’s what happens when you live by the gun. And Carrot knows that Zé wants to kill him, so he starts to recruit an army. Carrot joins forces with Knockout Ned. At one point Knockout Ned was a peaceful citizen, but then Zé raped his girlfriend, killed his brother, and tried to kill Ned. So there’s a little beef between the two.

The movie moves into the ‘80s, with Carrot and Knockout Ned’s army continuously engaged in combat with Zé’s army… the sides keep recruiting and getting more firepower and the violence continuously escalates. Rocket gets an opportunity to photograph Zé and it gets published in the newspaper. Rocket thinks that his life is now in danger, and the movie comes back full circle to the beginning with Li’l Zé’s gang chasing a chicken and running into Rocket, and him fearing for his life.

What happens next is cool and I won’t give it away. But you should have seen this movie already. In fact, why haven’t you? It should be required viewing. That’s my new rule; you can’t watch any more movies until you see this one.

On the surface, the movie is about crime in the slums of Brazil. If you dig a little deeper, you realize that’s its just the exploits of a horny kid trying to get laid in the slums while occasionally having run-ins with the criminals that control his city. He’s on a quest to lose his virginity, but he doesn’t try very hard and often sabotages his chances.

Most of the actors aren’t actors. The majority are from real slums, some even from the real City of God. They were sent to actor’s workshop for a little while so they wouldn’t suck on camera, and the end result is a film that feels real, that feels like a documentary. Some of their performances will haunt you.

See this movie. Right now. It’s practically a perfect movie. The only downside is that it is subtitled. If it weren’t for my occasional drunken laziness influencing my rating, this would be a perfect score. If you are tired or drunk you don’t want to deal with reading subtitles. But if you are alert and sober, give it a go.

Critically Rated at 16.5/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Spending Money When You Shouldn’t

We’ve all be there before. Rent is due in 2 days and you’re still a little short. And you should be stingy and frugal but you find yourself walking downtown and something catches your eye. Maybe it’s a jacket that’s on sale, maybe it’s the scent of a delicious steak wafting from that expensive restaurant, it doesn’t matter. Before you know it, you end up spending money when you shouldn’t have. You can try to justify it to yourself, but there’s no excuse. You are stupid and weak and rent is still due. Oh well, at least you helped the economy.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Missing Your Stop

Taking the bus is a good thing. It’s good for the environment. It’s good for your budget. You just need to know where to jump on and where to hop off. Knowing your stop is essential to taking the bus. If you don’t pay attention to where you are going, how will you know when you get there? Missing your stop is the sign of an amateur, but it happens to everybody. You just have to calm yourself and pretend like it was intentional, that you wanted to walk an extra few blocks back to your stop. Exercise, you know?

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Meddlers

People don’t always get along. We can’t. We aren’t programmed to. You are going to have conflicts, it’s inevitable and unavoidable. So I have no respect for meddlers. Meddlers strive to create conflicts, they want to stir the pot and put people against each other. They start unnecessary arguments between friends just for the sheer joy of causing chaos. Meddlers stick their unwanted and ugly noses into other people’s businesses because they are evil, cruel, heartless, and want to make their puppets dance. An argument should be between two people, not the byproduct of a meddler.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Brisingr (book)

Brisingr is the third installment of Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle, an epic saga of a young Dragon Rider named Eragon and his dragon, Saphira, as they take on the evil King Galbatorix and try to restore freedom to Middle-earth… I mean Alagaësia. Alagaësia is a land of magic, elves, dwarves, witches, and dragons. You can’t forget about the dragons.

The book starts off a few days after the events of the second book. Eragon and Saphira are helping Roran (Eragon’s cousin) rescue his bride-to-be from the clutches of the evil Ra’zac. They kick some ass and rescue Katrina and Eragon finally gets to kill the creatures that killed his uncle. Revenge is sweet.

Roran and Katrina consummate their relationship, and so there’s a slight rush to hurry up and tie the knot so as not to taint Katrina’s honor. Eragon performs the marriage ceremony, and then has to leave to oversee the election of the new Dwarf king. Eragon narrowly escapes an attempted assassination by a dwarf clan, which helps give Orik, his friend and ally, enough votes to secure the crown for himself.

Eragon realizes that he’s still pretty fucking stupid and weak compared to Galbatorix. So he and Saphira go back to Ellesméra for some additional training with his mentor Oromis and his dragon Glaedr. Oromis and Glaedr teach Eragon about the source of Galbatorix’s power. Long story short, he’s been collecting Eldunarya, which are basically dragon souls. Dragon souls are powerful and they make you more powerful. That is how Galbatorix was able to defeat the Dragon Riders and also how he’s able to control Murtagh and his dragon, Thorn.

Eragon also uses his time in Ellesméra to make a new sword, a proper sword. A Dragon Rider’s blade is like a light saber; it’s your personalized weapon. You can use someone else’s but it will never be as powerful as your own. It’s the same concept as the wand choosing the wizard. Eragon is able to manipulate the elven sword smith into making him a new sword, which he dubs Brisingr.

With a new sword in hand, Eragon and Saphira fly back to join the Varden as they are in the middle of a battle. Eragon and Saphira show up in the nick of time and they do some damage and kill soldiers and stuff. He rescues Arya from certain death and they discover some bad magicians trying to conjure up a Shade. And then Arya kills the Shade and there’s no damage done.

The first two books have a lot of parallels to A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. They seemed like Star Wars meets Lord of the Rings. This book starts to take it in a new direction. For one thing, this book is a lot more political than the first two. Nasuada, the leader of the Varden, becomes more powerful politically and starts to play a bigger role. You get a glimpse of how the dwarves elect a king and how their society functions. Eragon has ties to the Varden, to the Dragon Riders, to the elves, to the dwarves… he must tread carefully and not step on any toes.

Eragon and Saphira spend a lot of time separated. The first two books they are practically always together. In Brisingr they are often on opposite sides of Alagaësia. There is a bond between a Dragon and its Rider, often times they act as one being. So when they are separated they feel a sense of isolation that in not fathomable.

The Inheritance Cycle will never be a classic like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or the Boxcar Children. But they are worth reading if you like magic and dragons and geeky shit like that. Christopher Paolini’s Alagaësia is a hodgepodge of fantasy clichés and characters. But he makes it his own. You will see a lot of similarities between his work and other works, but nothing is truly original anymore. Everything is a remix these days.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Bugles

Bugles are a cone shaped corn snack. They are crispy like chips, but are more fun and you can put them on your fingertips and they look like gnome hats. You might have to use your imagination. They don’t fit quite as well as when they did when I was a kid though. Finger foods are fun. They come in a few different flavors but Original is always the best choice. Bugles are good, but there’s no way you can eat them everyday.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt is David Spade’s best movie that doesn’t costar Chris Farley. David Spade plays Joe Dirt, a simple redneck janitor who has a mullet wig and an incredible life story. He is a loser and the world shits on him, but somehow he manages to stay positive. Director Dennie Gordon is able to make this lowbrow comedy somehow relatable. If you liked Forrest Gump but felt that it needed more scenes involving dog’s nuts getting stuck to porches, you might want to check out this movie.

This is not a good movie. It will never win any Oscars and it isn’t trying to. It’s a stupid movie and it embraces that fact. Joe Dirt is working as a custodian at a radio station when a producer sees how much of a hick he is. The producer works for Zander Kelly (Dennis Miller), a Howard Stern-type radio personality. Zander starts to interview Joe Dirt on the air, openly mocking him while discovering what makes Joe Dirt tick.

Joe reluctantly starts telling the story of his life. When he was born he was missing the top of his skull, so his parents stuck a mullet wig on his head and they fused together. His parents hated him from the start and named him Joe Dirt instead of giving him their last name. And to top it off they abandoned him at the Grand Canyon when he was eight.

Joe grows up bouncing around from foster home to foster home before he settles down in picturesque Silvertown for a few years. He meets a girl named Brandy (Brittany Daniel) and he spends his days frolicking with her and her dog Charlie, all the while trying to avoid her drunken father and Kid Rock.

Joe has a desire to find his birthparents and sets out on a mission to find them. He bums his way around, meeting a Native American and Christopher Walken and getting captured by a serial killer. As Joe keeps spewing his tale to Zander, more and more listeners are tuning in, fascinated by this upbeat hick and his zany adventures.

As Joe’s story become a national sensation, questions arise about Brandy’s intentions after it’s revealed that she hid the truth about Joe’s parents from him. Some people think it’s because she’s a bitch, but it’s really because she loves him.

Joe’s quest for his parents was sparked by his need for a home, for a family, for people who love him. And he realizes that he already had that, back home in picturesque Silvertown. And Brandy loves him, so it’s also convenient to go back.

David Spade mostly plays a sarcastic asshole. He has a very insulting comedic style; his characters are constantly belittling and putting down other people. But Joe Dirt is a nice guy who gets bullied instead of doing the bullying. Finally David Spade gets a chance to show his theatrical range.

You either like this movie or you don’t. It’s not the best comedy ever, but it’s funny enough. There are a lot of good quotes and some funny gags. It’s one of David Spade’s best movies, and I know that’s not saying much, but it’s better than anything starring Rob Schneider. That’s not worth much, but it’s still worth something.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Taking a Shower and Forgetting Your Towel

Every once in a while you fail to follow your routine, and that can have some serious consequences. Like when you finish your shower and realize that you didn’t bring your fucking towel. Now you have a few options. You can flail you limbs wildly in a vain attempt to shake off the water. You can drip your way out of the bathroom and down the hall until you get to your towel. Or you can use a shit ton of toilet paper to sop off the excess moisture. I often wonder how MacGyver would handle the situation. No matter what, you know your day is going to be shitty when you start off by taking a shower and forgetting your towel.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Leaving the Bar and Coming Back

I was almost responsible last night. I left the bar after a few drinks, feeling slightly buzzed. And somehow I got suckered into going back inside. Leaving the bar and coming back is not a victory. It just shows that you can’t make up your mind and you let booze decide for you. If you leave the bar and follow polite social protocol, you say your goodbyes and hug your lady friends and high-five your guy friends… leaving the bar can be a big production. So when you come back, naturally everyone is confused and slightly judgmental. “Didn’t you already leave?” they ask exasperated and out of breath. All you can do is smile and shake your head, before sipping a beer and asking what the fuck they are talking about.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Text Argument

People butt heads. That’s what we do. We fight and argue and try to convince others that we are right and that they are wrong. And we like technology too, so we will engage in bitter battles using typed words. A text argument will have no clear winner. Each person will respond to the other person by using logic and reason, and it will dissolve into personal attacks and bringing up unrelated past events. Someone will resort to name-calling. And then shit really escalates. No one can win a text argument. But it’s fun to try.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Groundhog Day (film not the day)

Bill Murray is awesome. Totally fucking awesome. And sometimes he makes movies. Some people think that Ghostbusters is his best film. Some people are wrong. His best movie is actually Groundhog Day. Harold Ramis (Egon from Ghostbusters) directs this fantasy about a weatherman who gets trapped in time, doomed to relive his least favorite day of the year: Groundhog Day.

Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, a cynical weatherman who dreams of moving forward career wise but finds himself stuck in a rut. He goes to Punxsutawney, PA to report on the yearly Groundhog Day festivities with his producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and his cameraman Larry (Chris Elliott).

Phil is miserable. He complains about everyone and everything. He finds himself on assignment in Punxsutawney, PA reporting on a rodent with the same name as him. You know the routine, if Phil the Groundhog sees or doesn’t see his shadow then winter will or wont happen. Whatever. Somehow Phil the Weatherman finds himself repeating the same day. Over and over again.

At first he slowly pieces together the fact that he’s not going crazy. Everyone keeps doing the same thing, and he realizes that he’s not experiencing an extreme case of déjà vu.

He does what you would do if you find yourself reliving the same day over and over again. He explores all the possibilities the day has to offer. He tries to kill himself to no avail. He hits on the random girls around time. He hits on Rita. Eventually he falls in love with Rita. He uses his time loop to learn as much about Rita as he can. He learns to play the piano, he teaches himself French poetry, and he tries to make himself her ideal man.

Phil starts to explore every aspect of the day. He meets all the citizens of Punxsutawney and uses his knowledge for good and evil. He saves lives and he steals money. He manipulates people some days and helps them the next day, even though it’s always the same day. At one point he declares himself a God. But he eventually learns his place… he has to do things the right way for the right reasons before he’s allowed to escape his prison.

Groundhog Day is a perfect film. It’s a comedy, but it has an interesting philosophical message. It’s deep. It’s layered. It has Bill Murray in his prime. If you were trapped repeating the same day over and over again, this is what it would be like. It’s a fantastical, pseudo-documentary. It’s about life. You have hopes, dreams, despair, doubts, schemes, plans, backfires, monotonous repetitions and spontaneous miracles.

Groundhog Day is a universal film. Everyone knows what it’s like to be stuck somewhere that you don’t want to be. You want to escape, you can’t always succeed but sometimes you can. And that’s why you try. If you could only repeat the same day forever you might realize what life is all about.

At one point Phil is intent on saving an old homeless guy who seems doomed to die. A nurse tries to explain “Sometimes, people just die.” Phil replies, “Not today.” He can’t avoid the old man’s fate, but he keeps trying to save his life. You can’t control what happens, but you can control what you do, and that’s what matters.

Groundhog Day is a movie that you can watch with anybody. With your friends, with your family, with a girlfriend or casual acquaintance. There’s something for everybody. If you haven’t seen it, I feel sorry for you. Watch it now and I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

The Letter “B”

The letter “B” is the second letter of the English alphabet. It’s the second letter you learn after “A” and it’s the first consonant or non-vowel. It’s a strong sounding letter, and if you stutter it sounds quite formidable. “B” sounds like “be” which is a great word, a powerful word. It makes “B” a powerful letter, so it shows up a lot in online conversations. Sometimes they are too lazy to spell out “be”. That extra letter can be a bitch, I guess. Sometimes they use it to give sunglasses to a smiley face. And sometimes it’s just a tybo.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants