Plastic Drinking Straw Ban

Attention fellow residents of San Francisco: the plastic drinking straw ban officially comes into effect in July. I can’t wait. I’ve been serving and bartending for over a decade and can attest to how wasteful they are. People are weird about straws when they go out. They want them served with every soda and cocktail they order. They expect them. They demand them. It doesn’t matter that they don’t use straws at home, as soon as they leave the house they want all the straws they can get.

I’m in public. I can’t tilt the glass and take a sip. That’s barbaric. I need a plastic tube that I can throw away after one use. Fuck you, turtle. I hope it gets stuck in your nose and you die a slow, painful, and entirely unnecessary death. “Barkeep, another straw! And keep them coming!”

Americans are addicted to making trash. Banning plastic straws is a good thing. Let’s ban the Kardashians next.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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