February 23, 2012 · 9:03 am

Mondays

Mondays suck. They are like the first day of school, but it happens every week. You can’t avoid them. I’ve tried going from Sunday to Tuesday a few times, and it only worked once, and it involved a shit ton of Nyquil. Monday is the start of the average workweek, and there is nothing worse than going to work Monday morning and thinking that Friday might never come.

Mondays are big in pop culture. Garfield hates Mondays. Office Space has that annoying reoccurring line, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays.” The Mamas & the Papas had that song “Monday, Monday.” Basically everyone hates Mondays. The only good things it has going for it are some decent network shows and Monday Night Football. And whenever you feel glum on Tuesday, you can at least be happy it isn’t Monday.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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February 22, 2012 · 8:51 am

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)

Harry Potter’s fourth film translation got a new director: a very British and a very boring Mike Newell. This film has its moments but only because the book was filled with great moments. It was a step backwards for the franchise; it pales in comparison to what Alfonso Cuarón did with the third film.

Prior to filming, there was a lot of discussion into splitting the film into two parts because the book was so lengthy. Instead they decided to cut out most of the side plots and minor characters and focus primarily on Harry. By doing this, the film feels very rushed, and you get jerked around from place to place. It gives the movie an awkward flow. The Dursleys are noticeably absent from the beginning, instead we jump to Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys meeting up with Amos and Cedric “Twilight” Diggory and they all go to the Quidditch World Cup. They build up the excitement and introduce all the Quidditch players and then skip right over the game. You don’t see a second of actual Quidditch. I remember thinking that the projector must have made a mistake or they were missing a reel or something.

The whole movie goes on like that. They constantly cut over and skip significant things. And then they have the audacity to add characters like Nigel, and they even give Nigel lines! And they add whole scenes like the kids learning to dance. Why waste precious running time on stuff that isn’t even in the book? There is only one scene with Sirius Black. There is no Winky, Dobby, or Bagman.

Daniel Radcliffe is maturing more as an actor, but this film didn’t give him as much to work with as Prisoner of Azkaban. It is less character driven. Harry’s haircut is the worst out of all the films. It’s one of the worst movie haircuts of all time, up there with Tom Hanks in the DaVinci Code. Emma Watson stands out in the Yule Ball scene, and Rupert Grint’s best scenes were when he was fighting with Harry, and later making up.

The acting from everyone else was decent, Brendan Gleeson does a good job as Mad-Eye. Michael Gambon made a huge mistake as Dumbledore: he would never grab Harry violently like he did when he thought he submitted his name to the Goblet of Fire. David Tennant plays Barty Crouch, Jr. He added an annoying little tongue flick, something that Gleeson copied, and that shows that fake Moody and Crouch are the same person. It is a big “FUCK YOU” to the audience. Inserting Barty Crouch, Jr. into the opening scene with Voldemort and Pettigrew is another big “FUCK YOU.” Please Hollywood, treat us with some respect.

It is always good seeing Potter on the big screen. There are some really cool sequences in the movie. The first task with the dragon was really dynamic and action packed. It might be the best Harry vs. Magical Creature moment in all the films. It was good to see Moaning Myrtle again, creepy as she is. The second task underwater was eerie and memorable. The climax at the graveyard redeems the entire movie. First off they kill Twilight, and I love anyone who kills Twilight. And Voldemort comes back and gathers his army and him and Harry have a sweet light saber battle. I mean wizard duel. Yeah, that part was cool.

All in all the movie is entertaining and you have to see it if you’re watching the Harry Potter saga, so you can’t really avoid it. It just leaves a lot out, and maybe splitting it into two parts wasn’t such a terrible idea. They cut out a lot of important things, and some of the things they included didn’t need to be there. It was a step in the wrong direction for the movies. It might be some people’s favorite film, but some people eat glue sticks.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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February 22, 2012 · 8:49 am

Lay’s Garden Tomato and Basil

Lay’s classic potato chips get a slight flavor boost. It is reminiscent of a margherita pizza. It’s like they dehydrated a pizza sauce or Ragu or something and added that to chips. Try them, you might like them. I’ll stick to normal flavors like sea salt and salt & pepper and salt & vinegar. American flavors.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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February 21, 2012 · 9:15 am

Back to the Future Part III

Marty and Doc are back for another adventure, and this time they are cowboys. Because why the hell not? This is a period piece like the first film, only Marty and Doc are in Hill Valley in 1885. Part II and III were shot back to back, so there is a strong sense of continuity between the two sequels.

A lot of people like this movie. I think they just like seeing Little Marty dressed up like a Little Cowboy. It is the weakest installment of the trilogy. For a movie series involving a time machine, and all the ideas introduced in the second part, it is a real let down to have them be in the old west. They could have done anything or gone anywhere, and it’s pretty lame to have them be cowboys for the whole movie.

ZZ Top makes an appearance as the band at the clock tower festival. The only guy in ZZ Top with out a beard is named Frank Beard. That’s your fun fact for the day.

It is kind of weird how Doc mentions multiple times how he wished he never invented the time machine because it causes nothing but trouble. But then he goes ahead and invents a flying train time machine and takes his wife  (that he shouldn’t have ever met or married) and his two creepy kids with him as he goes back and fourth through time and space, probably causing all sorts of alternate timelines and parallel universes. I guess his character doesn’t really grow or develop.

The first film is classic. The second was a fun and interesting look at time travel, bringing up ideas of paradoxes and alternate timelines. And the third is a let down. It has its moments, but the story is a let down. The first one is more than a period film because Marty gets to interact with his parents when they are teenagers. That is a great concept. The third one is a dumb period piece. The people of 1885 have no impact on his life in 1985. Sure Marty gets to hold his great-grandfather and meets his Irish ancestors, but that doesn’t compare to the weird love triangle between his parents and him in the first film.

This film has its moments. But most memorable things are just an homage or references to the first two films, like seeing the clock tower being built, or seeing relatives to Hill Valley citizens that we’ve met in the first two movies. Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen is a great version of Biff, a dumb bully with a gun. Clara Clayton was unnecessary character. Good for Doc for getting some loving, but her character is annoying and not well thought out.

It is a decent movie, but the first two were superior. Time travelling sequels should be about time travelling and not about being cowboys.

Critically Rated at  10/17

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February 21, 2012 · 9:10 am

Doritos Salsa Verde

This is pretty good junk food. The salsa verde flavor is nice and a medium amount of spicy. It’s a good idea to have a beer or soda with it to wash it down. You’re going to have greasy chip fingers when you’re done. Doritos are definitely jean stainers.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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February 20, 2012 · 11:42 am

Foster’s

Foster’s. Australian for beer. Sorry, I was obligated to say that. It really is Australian, there’s even a picture of a kangaroo on the can. This is a pretty decent lager, it is better tasting and more flavorful than typical American lagers. My friend lived in Australia for a few months and he said that no one drinks it down there. I’m kind of disillusioned now.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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February 20, 2012 · 11:41 am

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (book)

J.K. Rowling’s fourth entry into the Harry Potter world is a turning point for the series. The book’s length is almost double that of Prisoner of Azkaban. They are no longer children’s books, now they are novels. It is more adult and much darker than previous entries.

J.K. expands the wizarding world in a lot of ways. The Quidditch World Cup is a huge event, drawing witches and wizards from all over the world. She introduces new wizard schools like Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. The Ministry of Magic plays a bigger role, foreshadowing events to come in the Order of the Phoenix. J.K. Rowling starts to explore the political side of the wizarding world, showcasing how the accused Death Eaters were put on trial, and comments about how Fudge is afraid to lose power and control.

Harry and his friends are now teenagers and their hormones are raging. They start to notice to opposite sex. Harry has his first crush, Hermione has her first boyfriend, and Ron gets jealous. Ron and Harry also have a huge argument and spend a significant part of the story being mad at each other. There are a few new notable characters like the snooping reporter Rita Skeeter, the star Quidditch player Victor Krum, Barty Crouch, Sr. and Jr. and perhaps most importantly Mad-Eye Moody.

A lot of the book tackles subject matters that aren’t suitable for kids. People die in this book, innocent muggles like Frank Bryce, Ministry members like Barty Crouch, Sr. and even Hogwarts students like Cedric Diggory. Voldemort comes back, and there is a fierce dual between him and Harry.

Harry is mysteriously entered into the Triwizard Tournament, and he stumbles through the tasks with a lot of help and a lot of luck, but not much skill. Harry’s biggest turning point in the entire series takes place in the graveyard after the third task. “Harry crouched behind the headstone and knew the end had come. There was no hope… no help to be had. And as he heard Voldemort draw nearer still, he knew one thing only, and it was beyond fear or reason: He was not going to die crouching here like a child playing hide-and-seek; he was not going to die kneeling at Voldemort’s feet… he was going to die upright like his father, and he was going to die trying to defend himself, even if no defense was possible….” This is the moment where Harry steps up, where he accepts that he can’t control his fate but he can control how he handles it.

This book was a huge step forward in the saga. The story didn’t just darken, it also became more complex. There are more story arcs and subplots that only become relevant later on. There are subtle lines like, “For a fleeting instant, Harry thought he saw a glimpse of something like triumph in Dumbledore’s eyes” that will eventually get explained in the final few books. And Voldemort finally comes back, and the threat is now real. J.K. Rowling took Potter to the next level, and the phenomenon became justified.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 19, 2012 · 9:02 am

Back to the Future Part II

This is the best time travelling movie sequel of all time. Marty and Doc pick up right where the first movie ended, rushing to the future with Jennifer in tow to prevent a catastrophe from happening. They end up in Hill Valley in 2015 (30 years from 1985, as opposed to 30 years in the past), and Marty sees what his life with Jennifer becomes (hint: less than ideal).

They prevent one disaster involving Marty’s son, but Future Biff causes a different disaster that changes history and creates a hellish, alternate 1985. The only solution to fixing the present because of something that happened in the future is to go back to the past, and that’s exactly what they do.  Doc and Marty go back to 1955 again, and they revisit the events of the first movie, but just from a different point of view. The two Martys and the two Docs must not cross each other’s paths or it could destroy the universe. It was and still is very surreal and ahead of its time. What a great and novel concept: in a sequel to a movie about time travel, they not only go to the future, but they also go back to the first movie and play with concepts like alternate timelines and the tricky nature of the implications of time travel. We see four different versions of Hill Valley: 1985, 2015, Alternate 1985 and 1955. Each timeline effects the citizens and buildings of Hill Valley in different ways.

The future scenes are great. Hoverboards. Enough said. But there are also references to Slamball (which later became an awesome sport) and a baseball team in Miami. I know that the world won’t end in 2012 because Marty McFly went to 2015.

This is a fun movie, and a smart movie. It is one of the few sequels that lives up to its previous installment. The Back to the Future trilogy is a great trilogy and this is a great second act. The first and third movies are period pieces, commenting on a modern person living in 1955 and 1885, but this movie plays with the concept of time travel and it’s ramifications. In a trilogy that pretends to be about time travel, this is the only one that is really about time travel.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 19, 2012 · 8:58 am

Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream

Ben & Jerry’s presents this vanilla ice cream with fudge covered pieces of waffle cone and swirls of caramel. The fudge coating keeps the cones nice and crispy. This is a very sweet and delicious ice cream with a nice crunchy texture. All in all, it is a good frozen treat. The American Dream might be dead, but this is an adequate substitute.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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February 18, 2012 · 9:59 am

Back to the Future

Da duh duhhhhhhhh, da-duh da-duh da-duhhhhh. If you just say that you can’t help but turn it into the Back to the Future theme. It’s epic beyond anything Steve Perry and Journey ever did together. This is a classic movie. Robert Zemeckis directs, Spielberg produces and Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Emmett Brown and the much beloved Michael J. Fox plays Marty McFly. Seriously, how can anyone hate Michael J. Fox? He is just so little and shaky, like a tiny epileptic puppy that you want to take home.  Believe me, I know I’m going to Hell, but at least Gandhi will keep me company.

At first this is a sci-fi flick. Marty meets up with a crazy scientist to test out his latest invention: a time travelling DeLorean. Everyone knows that once the Flux Capacitor hits 88 mph, you get blasted through time to whatever destination you programmed. When it comes to time travelling in style you either go with the DeLorean or a telephone booth, it depends on how stoned you are. Once Marty travels back to 1955, it transitions into being a period piece about the 1950’s.

It is a cool premise: what if you went back in time and saw what your parents were like as teenagers? It is universal, and that is why the film holds up so well. Marty gets in the way of his parents meeting, his mom ends up having a crush on him. Marty needs to set the timeline straight by getting his nerdy father to hook up with his slutty mom before his slutty mom rapes Marty. Throw in a bully named Biff and you have a tale that’s as old as time.

Great story, great characters, great actors, great lines, great soundtrack… Great movie. You’ve seen it, you love it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 18, 2012 · 9:57 am

Kettle Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper

These are Krinkle kut Kettle chips in a nice normal flavor. It is not too salty, and it has just the right amount of pepper. It’s good tasting and a great introduction to Kettle brand natural potato chips. These are pretty much the exact opposite of the potato chip spectrum from processed and perfectly formed Pringles. Kettle chips are legit and you deserve to try them. You earned it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 18, 2012 · 9:55 am

Red Bull

This is the O.G. energy drink. It is a bit of an acquired taste, but it is better tasting than Rockstar or Monster. It is pretty good for a quick energy boost, but I feel like I’m immune to them now. Vodka and Red Bull: a staple of night clubs, and a delicious treat before work. Red Bull doesn’t really give you wings, but if you drink enough of them you might get a heart murmur.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 17, 2012 · 8:56 am

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)

Alfonso Cuarón directs the third movie in the franchise, taking over for Chris Columbus. The movie is much darker from the get-go, the Warner Bros. logo and opening titles are dark and gray, and we know that the Potter films are only going to get better.

Harry, Ron and Hermione are no longer kids, now they are teenagers. Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson are much more natural on screen in this one. The first two movies they were performing, now they are acting. Believe me, there is a difference. They know their characters now, and this screenplay gives them more material to work with. This movie is more character driven than the first two.

The adult cast continued to improve as well. Gary Oldman joined the cast as Sirius Black, Emma Thompson plays Trelawney, Michael Gambon takes over as Dumbledore, Timothy Spall is great as Peter Pettigrew, and David Thewlis plays Lupin. Not enough can be said about Alan Rickman as Snape, he can always be relied on to kick ass with just a few lines. Snape has a great moment where he instinctively protects Harry, Ron and Hermione from werewolf Lupin, it is insight to his true self.

The first two movies were great for laying out the foundation, but now a more accomplished director is able to build up the franchise.  Cuarón makes the word feel more natural and lived in. The students are still in robes, but they are disheveled and more casually strewn together. The wands are now much more unique and individualized, and they remain so for the rest of the films.  Hogwarts seems explorable and livable. The camera is much more dynamic. It sweeps around, it follows characters, and it gets hit with snow and rain. It feels like another character. This movie was a make or break point for the franchise; a bad director could have ruined everything. Cuarón improved upon everything Columbus did. I don’t have the facts to back this up, but I feel this movie got more people to read the books than any of the other films.

I wasn’t a fan of the time traveling aspect in the book. I feel it is a cheap to have time travel in a saga about magic, and I think J.K. Rowling realized the same and so time travel was never a plot device after Prisoner of Azkaban. That being said, I really enjoyed the time traveling aspect in the movie. They did it right.  Throughout the movie Hermione pops up suddenly, and later Harry gets hit by a rock, Hermione sees something strange, they are saved by mysterious howling, and Harry sees what looks like his father casting a patronus charm. Then later, they go back in time and you find out how Hermione was popping up suddenly, they find out that they threw the rock, that Hermione almost saw herself, that they were the ones howling and that Harry saw himself cast the patronus. And he even goes so far as to explain that he knew he could cast it this time, because he had already done it before.

A great movie, easily one of the best in the series. It is no longer a kid’s movie. Alfonso Cuarón is a great director and this film is proof. It is a part of a greater whole, but he made it very personal and very unique without ruining anything previously established. It sets up some story arcs for future installments, but it also stands out as its own film.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 17, 2012 · 8:53 am

Steel Reserve

This is an 8.1% High Gravity lager. When you gotta get drunk on a budget, you gotta get a forty. If you get a forty, you might as well get a strong one. Don’t forget the paper bag. Forties taste awful, but if you drink them from a bag you look cool, and that’s worth something. This is a decent forty, it is more drinkable than some, but you’re not looking for good taste, you are looking for a good buzz. This can get you drunk, and that’s all I expect from malt liquor.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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February 16, 2012 · 9:57 am

Fanta

Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda. I am not Kel though. And I doubt that you are Kel. I don’t understand people who love Fanta. In a world of root beers, cream sodas, lemon-lime sodas, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper and Coca-Cola, why would you choose orange soda? Every once in a while is alright, but if you crave orange soda you are probably a serial killer. Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy and Charles Manson all loved orange soda. You know that it’s true because this is the internet, and the internet is factual. Anyway, if you drink orange soda it’s either Fanta or Sunkist, and Fanta is decent. Anyway, no, I don’t want a Fanta. Fuck off.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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February 16, 2012 · 9:55 am

Disc Golf

Disc golf is a sport that you make fun of, then one day you are bored, and so you finally cave to your hippie friend and try it. Then the next day you go out and buy a few discs of your own. It’s just a fun way to get outside and shoot the shit with some buddies.

Disc Golf is a lot cheaper than real golf. Most courses are free and are in public parks. You only have to spend money on a few different discs, like a distance driver, a mid-range, and a putter. Get a few discs and you are ready to play. Different discs have different flight patterns. Touching discs doesn’t make you gay.

There are lots of YouTube videos with good advice and tips for everything from driving to putting, to different types of throws. The best way to improve your game is to just get out on the course. Keep it fun and casual, and you will meet a lot of people. A lot of people drink or smoke while playing, so you should too. It’s a fun community. Follow course etiquette and let faster parties play through. If you are by yourself, don’t hesitate to ask to join another group. They won’t mind, and if you’re new they will offer you advice and maybe let you try out a few of their discs to see which ones are right for you.

Disc Golf is growing rapidly in popularity each year. You should jump on the bandwagon now so you don’t seem like a tool later.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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February 16, 2012 · 9:53 am

Kettle Brand Sweet Onion

First off, these are not krinkled like the better Kettle chips. That’s a few points lost right there. And it loses a few more points for the unusual taste. I didn’t know that sweet onion was a desirable flavor for a potato chip. I didn’t know that people were demanding a chip that was reminiscent of sweet onions. It seems like it would be weird tasting. And so I tried it, and it is weird tasting. It tastes vaguely of sweet onions I guess, and so if you like sweet onions and want to taste a potato chip that tastes like that, you might like these chips. Maybe.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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