The Death of Superman

This is the best selling graphic novel of all time! That doesn’t mean it’s the best! It just means a lot of people bought this comic to see how the iconic Superman died. A mysterious creature named Doomsday appears, causing a trail of destruction as he makes his way towards Metropolis.

Doomsday is unstoppable. He destroys the Justice League with little effort. His strength rivals Superman’s and with each conflict he only seems to grow more powerful. Superman tries repeatedly to keep Doomsday from advancing to Metropolis. Eventually he fails, and the two have an insane battle before they beat each other to death. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

The beginning seems really dated. This isn’t a stand-alone story; it came directly from the comics so there are a few random characters and forgotten plot lines that don’t make much sense. Jimmy Olson being Turtle Boy… ok DC, that was a memorable arc. But once the action gets going it doesn’t stop until the final panel.

This isn’t a great story really. But it is essential for any collection. You have to have the best selling graphic novel of all time. That’s a given. It is entertaining, and although it lacks depth, it is still pretty interesting to see Superman straining and struggling to defeat Doomsday. It was downright shocking to see him die. I hope he comes back!

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Skittles Original

Taste the Rainbow. Compare it to Skittles. Skittles taste better right? And who eats rainbows? Gay Unicorns. That’s beside the point. Skittles are the OG fruity chewy bite-sized candies. If you are ever in doubt what candy to bring to the movie theater, you can’t go wrong with a pack of Skittles. They look a little like M&Ms but they have an “S” and not an “M” on them. S&M… just realized that. Maybe we can make t-shirts of that, anyone down? They have a few standard flavors: strawberry, orange, lemon, lime, and grape. Skittles rock, I can’t imagine my childhood without this essential candy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Mac is Back! Kevin McCallister is neglected by his parents once again, but this time he’s in the Big Apple, and he’s learning that being alone in a giant city is even more fun than being Home Alone in the suburbs. And for whatever unexplained reason Harry and Marv are free from jail and decide to go to NYC too. Good times will be had by all.

This is not a good movie. It is a good sequel in that it doesn’t shit on the original. Granted Home Alone is not a deep or clever movie, but it was fun and lighthearted, and this sequel captures the look and tone of the first one. It feels like a continuation, and not just another attempt to do the exact same thing to make more money. Ok, some parts are like that, but it’s still better than Hangover 2.

Kevin is a mischievous kid, but his heart is in the right place. He finds out that Harry and Marv plan on stealing donated money for a children’s hospital, and does what he can to stop them. He also befriends a homeless lady, and learns that she is a person, not just a scary pigeon lady. What a great message to send to kids: befriend homeless people and they will teach you valuable life lessons… about living on the street.

Not to brag or anything, but I did have a Talkboy. And it was not nearly as useful for hijinks as you would think. It was basically a waste of money. And time. I wish I still had it.

This movie has the whole “friendship knows no barriers” malarkey. There is also the whole “love between mother and son” vibe. As shitty of a mom as Catherine O’Hara is (how do you lose your kid twice in two consecutive Christmases?), she loves Kevin. She knows how scared he is, and she knows where to find him. As much as these movies are about Kevin being Home Alone, it is also about the lengths a mother will go through to get back to her son.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Skittles Blenders

The classic fruity chewy bite-sized candies get a flavor upgrade – a crazy blended fruit flavor upgrade. They have interesting names like Strawberry Lime Blast, Melon Berry Burst, Watermelon Green Apple Freeze, Mango Lemonade Freeze and Cherry Tropicolada. I don’t know what Mad Food Scientist came up with those stupid names. Melon Berries sound like something Willy Wonka would invent. How are room temperature candies being called Freeze? And Tropicolada is too much of an extreme hybrid pun, it is way too clever for me. If you like Crazy Core or Wildberry Skittles you will like the Blenders.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Batman: the Dark Knight Returns

Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns is about an aging Batman who comes out of retirement to save Gotham once again. All superheroes have been retired, with the exception of Superman. Miller wrote and drew the comic, so the text and the artwork go hand in hand. The story is harsh, and the drawings are crude, creating a used, worn tone that perfectly suits a disgruntled Batman.

Batman has been retired for ten years, but Bruce Wayne still has some work to do. A few criminals from his past have been once again wreaking havoc on Gotham City. New criminals and new gangs like the Mutants have also started a reign of terror. It’s the height of the Cold War, and the Reaganesque President, the Government and Superman are also antagonists.

Batman is a little old and a little rusty. He has to find his place in a city that has forgotten how much they need him. Fighting crime isn’t as easy as it used to be. Batman recruits a new Robin, a spunky thirteen-year-old girl named Carrie Kelly. She doesn’t follow orders well, but she is a natural fighter and saves Batman a few times. There are a few returning Batman favorites like Alfred, Gordon, Selina Kyle, Two-Face and the Joker.

The media is an important character as well. Various anchormen, reporters, interviewed experts, and eyewitness reports all chime in on the Batman issue. The reader is constantly bombarded with new reports and interviews; it makes the stakes seem higher. You see how Gotham and the rest of America is going down a dangerous path. They need a hero, and Superman is not who they need.

Superman has been relegated to being the president’s puppet. The President orders Superman to go after Batman after a few plot developments. There ends up being an epic showdown between Batman’s wits and Superman’s abilities. The final fight between the two greatest DC heroes is one of the best moments in comic history. It is clever, smart, and seems underwhelming at first, but gradually you see how it was the best way to end the story.

Frank Miller did some amazing stories before he went batshit crazy and started parodying himself. This is one of his best comics, one of Batman’s best comics, and one of the industry’s best comics. It is essential reading for a Batman fan. It’s a good time, check it out.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Titanic

James Cameron is one hell of a filmmaker. This is a movie where you know the ending. You know that the Titanic is going to sink. You know that it is doomed, but you don’t care. This was the first movie to make over a billion dollars at the box office, it just kept making money. Everyone and their mom saw this movie. It was everywhere. It didn’t even open at number one, people just saw it and kept coming back and it blew up by word of mouth.

This movie has it all: romance, adventure, death, destruction, DiCaprio…. The special effects are a little dated, but they still hold up because the story holds up. Everyone likes to make fun of this movie. They are ashamed they saw it three times in the theater and still get mad when Rose lets go. The fact is that a movie can’t make an absurd amount of cash if people aren’t going to see it. Titanic is like Nickelback, you shit on it in public, but you know every word by heart. They write some amazing songs guys.

Titanic has a case for being the best film of all time. It won eleven Oscars out of fourteen nominations. It made over 1.8 billion dollars. It was the number one film for fifteen weeks straight (until Lost in Space came out, remember that gem?).  Of course it’s not the best film, but that’s really beside the point. This movie was a sensation, it was an event. And it’s coming out in 3D so get ready for that.

Titanic really launched Leonardo DiCaprio’s career. It wasn’t his first movie, but it was bigger than anything anyone had done before. It set the tone for the rest of his filmography; he would never do a paycheck movie. He would chose quality scripts and even if they weren’t box office sensations, at least he was always good in them. Kathy Bates gets a shout out for playing the Unsinkable Molly Brown. She had a bit part, but stands out. Billy Zane steals the film as Cal. He is a very compelling actor, and I wish he starred in more films. He’s wearing a hairpiece in this film; he’s been bald since the early ‘90s. Kate Winslet did a decent job as Rose, but it was really amazing to be a kid and see full on boobs and nipples in a PG-13 movie. Maybe that’s the secret to box office success: titties for kiddies! 

There’s a lot of corny lines that get quoted often, but the most quoted is, “I’m the king of the world!” The thing is, when you go back and watch the movie again, that line is not corny. It is spontaneous, real, and a triumphant line. All those scenes at the front and the back of the ship are cliché, but they work because Cameron makes them genuine. He knows film, and he knows how to manipulate emotions. None of his stories are unique, you’ve seen them a thousand times before, but you haven’t seen them presented like this. It’s grandeur, it’s spectacle, but it’s also relatable. You try doing that.

The Titanic hits an iceberg and begins to sink. And then you see the best and worst of humanity. You see the greedy and corrupt lie and cheat their way onto lifeboats. You see others who have given up and decide to go out on their terms. You see mothers gently caressing their kids. You see people working together and fighting each other. The best and the worst often go hand in hand.

And of course there is that ambiguous ending. Is Rose dead? Is she dreaming? Will the top stop spinning? Does it matter?

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Chopsticks

White people make fun of chopsticks because they can’t use them and because white people are racist. Oprah said so. Watching white people try to use chopsticks is a great Chinese past time. Watching white people clicking those sticks together like knitting needles, struggling to get a noodle into their mouth makes me happy. There’s something comforting in seeing white people fail miserably at being cultured. It makes perfect sense to use two sticks to pick up grains of rice. Forks are like automatic cars: they are way too easy, there’s no fun if there’s no challenge. Chopsticks are like manual cars: you have to do some work to get anywhere. It’s a rite of passage to be able to use chopsticks; you have to earn the right to eat that sushi.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Sporks

Sporks are amazing. They are the brunch of the cutlery world. It’s a flying car. A spoon and a fork in one handy utensil. The future is now. Sporks combine the spearing powers of a fork with the scooping/stirring/holding capabilities of a spoon. I’m pretty sure that KFC invented them. I go backpacking occasionally, and one of the first pieces of equipment I bought was a metal spork. My life was now complete. I had nothing else to live for, so I took up heroin so I have something to do.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)

David Yates returns to direct his second film in the Potter Franchise, the second director to do so. This is the final film where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are students at Hogwarts, and they spend a lot of time doing school activities. A much slower film than the other ones, this is setting the foundation for the Deathly Hallows adaptation.

Warner Bros. really dropped the ball with this installment. They pushed back its release date from November 2008 to July 2009, because the Dark Knight made a billion dollars and they didn’t need any more revenue in 2008. Not only did Potter fans have to wait an extra 8 months, but the studio heavily promoted Half-Blood Prince as being in IMAX 3D. The first twenty minutes were in 3D. The first twenty minutes only. You don’t even see Hogwarts in 3D. Lame, lame, lame…. Especially since Order of the Phoenix had such an amazing 3D climax. How can you do 3D so perfectly and than butcher it so drastically in the very next film?

There is a lot of emphasis of student life in this movie. There are the usual bits with Harry riding the Hogwarts Express with Ron and Hermione and stuff, but they also show the students lounging around in the dorm. They do more homework and classwork than in the last few films. Quidditch makes a glorious return. Hogwarts itself feels like another character.

This movie is more character driven than Potter 4 and 5. It feels more like Azkaban, but with less action. It is a dark story, but is lighter than the book. There are a few nitpicky criticisms that I have. Like why do they cut so much out but add totally made up events that have no impact on the story? There was no reason to have the Burrow attacked and burned down by the Death Eaters. There was no mention of it later on in the Deathly Hallows; it was just completely unnecessary. Even worse than adding unimportant events is adding unimportant characters. Sorry cute black Muggle coffee shop chick, but you suck and we could have used some Dobby time instead of you. How come Harry and Ginny barely kissed but Harry and Cho made out for about 35 minutes in Order of the Phoenix?

The whole movie is kind of a step in the wrong direction. It is really slow and some parts are down right boring. The book was kind of like that too, but they could have found some momentum in the story. Michael Gambon’s final few scenes as Dumbledore were performed well. Dumbledore looks so tired and weakened after the cave and inferi sequence, it is almost a relief to see him pass on. One of the weakest films in the franchise, but you are still going to watch it multiple times. A bad Harry Potter film is like a bad beer… it’s not really bad, its just there are way better ones out there.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Spoons

I will forever associate spoons with Homer Simpson: “Marge, where’s that… metal dealie… you use to… dig… food?” Spoons are ideal for stirring things or shoveling soup or cereal into your mouth. I don’t like little kids who need spoons to eat mac & cheese. Grow up, you stupid baby. I like ladles; I think a giant spoon that is just for serving is a great idea. For some stupid reason spoons are really popular souvenirs. I don’t get it. Who wants a little tiny spoon with a dinosaur or Disneyland on it? Neat, you went to the Grand Canyon. And you brought back a little useless utensil with a tiny picture on it. Kudos.

If a girl asks if you want to spoon, the correct answer is “only if we fork first.”

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (book)

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back at Hogwarts for their sixth year, and the sixth book is the darkest one yet. Voldemort is steadily gaining power, and even the Muggle world is starting to be effected by him. The war is coming, and Dumbledore knows isn’t going to be around much longer, so he starts to prepare Harry for what lies ahead.

Voldemort is still the main antagonist, but he isn’t physically present in this installment, he only appears in flashbacks in the Pensieve. Dumbledore and Harry explore memories that people have of Voldemort in order to gain insight as to defeat him. Dumbledore’s theory is that Voldemort has been creating Horcruxes to cheat death. Harry must figure out what items Voldy used to create the Horcruxes and he must find a way to destroy them.

Professor Horace Slughorn is a fun new character. Dumbledore convinces him to come out of retirement and resume his old position as the Potions teacher. Slughorn is the Head of Slytherin House. He has all the attributes of a typical Slytherin: he is a cunning, ambitious leader who enjoys power. He collects students that have potential, and uses his contacts from the “Slug Club” to improve his own status in life. He is a little bigoted, but he still can see past one’s blood status. Most Slug Club members are pure blood, but Lily and Hermione were still recruited, and Lily was his favorite student.

There isn’t as much of a mystery plot in this story. They spend some time trying to figure out what Malfoy is up to, and they also try to discover who the Half-Blood Prince is. A lot of time is dedicated to showing student life at Hogwarts. Ron gets a girlfriend and Hermione gets jealous and they have stop hanging out for a while. Harry develops feeling for Ginny and is torn between his heart and loyalty to his best friend. It seems like J.K. Rowling is setting everything up for the final book.

SPOILER ALERT: So Dumbledore dies at the end of this one. And now Harry is in control of his fate, he doesn’t have anyone to guide him anymore.  He doesn’t have Sirius or Dumbledore to ask advice. He’s not alone, he still has Ron and Hermione, but he knows that it is time to face Voldemort.

You find out at the end that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince. The book is basically called Harry Potter and Snape. J.K. does a tremendous job handling Snape’s moral ambiguity. You can never tell if he is good or evil, or which side he is on. The final reveal of his character in the Deathly Hallows would not have worked without his depiction in this book.

This book is much slower than the previous entries to the series. It’s more reflective and a character study than an exciting book about a wizard war. It’s the calm before the storm. A very important step before all Hell breaks loose.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Mambas

Mambas are little fruity chewy candies, similar to Starbursts. They are rectangular and grouped together by flavor. There are four flavors: raspberry, orange, lemon and strawberry. The catch is that there are only 3 different flavors in each pack, so its always a gamble that you wont get your favorite flavor. I guess that’s half the fun. It’s like candy for compulsive gamblers. If you like Starbursts or fruity candy in general, you would like Mamba. I wouldn’t lie to you about something as trivial as this. Just try them. Don’t make a scene.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Eastbound & Down

Danny McBride is Kenny Fucking Powers, a washed up major league pitcher. He had it all and lost it all. He is brash, arrogant, and hilarious. He has a lot of talent but no work ethic, and blames everyone else but himself for his problems. He’s the jock who never grew up.

The first season is about Kenny moving into his brother’s house and working as a gym teacher. He’s hit rock bottom and knows it. He tries to adjust and rekindle a relationship with an ex-girlfriend who is also working at the school. But April is also engaged to the principal. You gotta have a love triangle or there’s no drama, right? Kenny’s old acquaintance/new assistant Stevie helps Kenny on his mission to get back to the majors.

Season 2 finds Kenny in Mexico. He is even more lost and pathetic than he was in the first season. He is trying to forget about his old life, but he can’t forget about April and the lure of pitching in the big leagues. Stevie shows up to help him get back on track, again. In Season 3 Kenny is Myrtle Beach and pitching for a minor league team. April runs off and leaves Kenny with their baby, and hijinks ensue.

Kenny is rude and selfish, but you still want him to succeed. He wasted his talent, but at least he tries to redeem himself. He’s a selfish dick and embraces it, which makes him likeable somehow. HBO lets him get away with everything, so there tons of swearing and nudity. Will Ferrell, Craig Robinson, Gary Cole, and a bunch of other actors make appearances. If you like Judd Apatow movies, you will love this show. It’s hysterically funny, with a little heartfelt drama from time to time, and great characters with great jokes. Danny McBride is awesome.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Sundays

Sundays are deceptive. You have the day off, but reality awaits the next morning. Most people don’t have to work on Sundays, but you can’t really do anything too hardcore because tomorrow is Monday and you gotta get back to work. I’m so glad that I don’t live in Utah and shit stays open on Sundays. Sundays mean football, the Simpsons, and quality HBO programming. The worst thing about Sundays is each second brings you closer to the dreaded Monday, and you get mad that it’s not still Saturday.

Critically Rated at  12/17

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Seinfeld

Seinfeld is the best show of the ‘90s without a doubt. It was a show about nothing, and by doing that, it was about anything. There are so many great moments, characters, lines and episodes. If you don’t like Seinfeld, I don’t like you.

Each character was great. You know you have a solid show when your standup comedian star is the least funny character and is essentially the everyman that the viewer relates to. Jerry Seinfeld stars as himself, a standup comic living in New York City. He hangs out with his best friends George and Elaine and his crazy neighbor Kramer. Seinfeld used to bookend each episode with material from his comedy routines, but that happened less and less as the show progressed. He is a ladies man and always seems to have a smoking hot girlfriend. He is almost the straight man, but is a little too sarcastic.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus plays Elaine Benes, Jerry’s friend and an ex-girlfriend. She is feisty, aggressive and shoves Jerry a lot. She dances like a kicking fool. Michael Richards plays Kramer, the crazy next-door neighbor who always makes a zany entrance. He is a constant mooch, he doesn’t have a steady job, but he seems to be doing alright because he’s Jerry’s neighbor, and Jerry isn’t poor. Jason Alexander plays George Costanza, Jerry’s best friend and a loser. He’s short, bald and neurotic, and one of the best sitcom characters of all time.

Some episodes feel a little dated now, but the majority of them are still relevant, and all of them are funny. This was the water cooler show of the ‘90s, it WAS pop culture. Who can forget the Soup Nazi, man hands, being the “master of your domain”, Junior Mints, the Summer of George, yada yada yada, shrinkage, Bubble Boy, Steinbrenner, Festivus, “these pretzels are making me thirsty”, and J, Peterman? The series finale was not a terrible way to end the show. They brought back dozens of fun characters, and they pointed out how mean-spirited Jerry and his friends were.

Thanks to DVD releases and syndication you can watch all 9 seasons of Seinfeld and be happy. Network television has had a void ever since Jerry decided to walk away. HBO has Curb Your Enthusiasm, and it is very funny and very similar, but there was something comforting about Jerry and the Gang that Larry David is lacking. Some of Curb’s best episodes involve Seinfeld cast members, and the Seinfeld Reunion story arc is amazing and makes you remember what you’re missing. The best TV show of the ‘90s, and the best network sitcom ever.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Saturdays

Saturdays are the best day of the week. Saturdays are freedom. They are the summer vacation of your week. There is nothing more liberating than a whole day with no responsibilities. It’s the optimum day of the week to have parties, barbeques, going out on the town or just going crazy. It sucks if you have to work on Saturdays, and I’m in the food service industry so I usually have to. The worst thing in the world is a rainy Saturday. It’s been proven.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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The Goonies

Richard Donner (Superman, Radio Flyer) directs, Chris Columbus (Home Alone) writes, and Stevie Spielberg (it’s Spielberg, c’mon) produces this classic movie about a group of friends called the Goonies who go on an amazing adventure in search of the fabled fortune of One-Eyed Willie to save their foreclosed homes. A dangerous family of fugitives (the Fratellis) is hot in pursuit of the Goonies. It is a fun adventure movie. It doesn’t try to take itself seriously, which makes it more appealing. This is one of those rare movies that you can watch with your mom or your best friend, and if you have a little baby you’d watch it with him too. You can watch it multiple times, you want to quote it, and you want to share it with other people.

This is one of the few movies with a great cast of child actors. Casting a kid heavy film can make or break a film. This cast is on par with other great kid casts like in The Sandlot and Stand By Me. Sean Astin, Josh Brolin and a few others made the transition to become working adult actors. And Corey Feldman outlived Corey Haim, which is pretty amazing. Jonathan Ke Quan plays Data. A lot of Asians depicted in movies around this time are blatantly racist and are only there for comic relief. This movie came out a year after Pretty in Pink with the super racist caricature Long Duk Dong. In this flick, Data is just one of the Goonies. He has a few lines in Vietnamese and uses broken English occasionally, but they don’t call attention to it, and they don’t make fun of him. There are no stupid stereotypes. Data is Harold wayyyy before he met Kumar.

It is kind of weird how much Mikey grows and changes throughout the movie. He grows so much that he no longer has asthma. I don’t think it works like that. Another weird thing is calling the pirate One-Eyed Willie. It is clearly a penis reference in a movie for kids. Why not call him something more subtle like Mushroom-Tip Johnson or Pocket-Snake Dick? And how come Chunk doesn’t ask his parents if this giant deformed man-baby can live with them? He just tells Sloth he’s going to live with him now.

Weird stuff aside, if you haven’t seen this movie, then you didn’t have a childhood.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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