Category Archives: Random Rants
December 6, 2013 · 8:57 am
I don’t understand Facebook’s Poke option. I went to my friend’s profile and I poked her. She poked me back a few hours later. I don’t know what to do now. Do I poke her again? Should I call her or text her now? Should I leave a comment on her wall? I don’t want to seem desperate. Are you even supposed to poke your friends? Or are you just supposed to poke girls you want to hook up with? All I know is that I don’t want to poke my grandma. The Facebook Poke might be the most unnecessary feature in all of social media. What’s the point of a virtual poke? Poking is one of the most annoying things to do in real life. Every time you physically poke somebody, they get mad and tell you to stop poking them. Nobody likes to be poked, online or off.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 6, 2013 · 8:55 am
Life hacks are simple but clever tips and tricks to use in your everyday life. A lot of them involve solving a problem with a common object that you have lying around. For instance you can use a straw to core a strawberry, binder clips to organize cables and wires, or using a sheet of paper to make an impromptu CD case. Other life hacks show you how to use objects more efficiently, like tying extension cords together to keep them from pulling apart, peeling a banana from the bottom, and unrolling those disposable paper condiment cups for maximum dipping potential. And some life hacks are about creating culinary treats that are easy and delicious to make, like cooking cupcakes in ice cream cones, or pouring pancake batter over bacon to make bacon pancakes. The internet is full of life hacks. Some of them are more practical than others, but you need to be careful. Some of them don’t work, and some of them are totally fake and are intended to fuck with gullible minds. I’m telling you right now, you can’t charge your phone by nuking it in the microwave. You should check out life hacks if you have some time to kill. You might find a trick that will change your life.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 5, 2013 · 10:03 am
December 5th is Repeal Day, my favorite underrated holiday. It’s the anniversary of the 21st Amendment getting ratified, which ended prohibition in the United States. Drinking was suddenly legal again, and the country rejoiced and celebrated with a drink. It’s not like people weren’t getting drunk during prohibition, but the 21st Amendment’s passing meant that they didn’t need to hide it anymore. Prohibition failed. People drank more and they drank harder. Criminals and mobsters rose to power, supplying a thirsty nation with moonshine and hooch. Even prohibition’s biggest supporters had to admit that it was a terrible fucking idea, that alcohol was the fuel that keeps this machine running. And so they passed the 21st Amendment on December 5, 1933 and a new holiday was born. Raise your glass and wish somebody a Happy Repeal Day!
Critically Rated at 16/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 4, 2013 · 11:19 am
You’re walking along on a hot day and feel a breeze on your face. It feels good until you notice that you can feel the breeze downstairs too. Your fly is open and you’ve just realized it now. Awesome. You wonder how many people saw. You wonder what they saw. And you also wonder why nobody said anything. Surely one Good Samaritan could have whispered “XYZ” as he passed by you. You feel like a fool when you find out your fly is down. It’s like walking around with something in your teeth, but even worse because it potentially involves your genitals. Always check that your fly is up. Nobody deserves to be arrested for indecent exposure because of a faulty zipper.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 3, 2013 · 10:34 am
Drano is either a brand name or a generic term for liquid drain cleaning products. It’s basically a liquid plumber. You pour it down a clogged drain or a backed up sink, wait fifteen minutes to a half hour, and flush it out with hot water. Drano eats through hair, grease and gets rid of the clog. It just might take a little bit of time and more than one bottle. Drano is kind of like a drug. You use it once and it kind of works, but then the clog comes back so then you need to get more Drano. And the clog goes away for a little bit, and then comes back worse than before, so you get two bottles of Drano. And the clog will come roaring back, so you get even more bottles of Drano. It stops working but you can’t stop using it. It’s designed to get you hooked on it. You end up a Drano user for life.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 3, 2013 · 10:32 am
Jaywalking is when somebody crosses the street recklessly or illegally. Back in the day, jay meant an inexperienced person. So you’re a bad walker if you’re jaywalking. You should work on that. If you go to any major city you will see some asshole running across four lanes of traffic instead of using the crosswalk. Jaywalking is against the law and dangerous. Pedestrians get hit by cars and splattered all the time. I know that jaywalking is a little bit of a thrill, but it’s not worth it. It doesn’t save you that much time and it’s a stupid thing to get a ticket for. You should go to YouTube and watch Russian dash cam videos if you want to see professional jaywalkers in action. Those fuckers are crazy.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 2, 2013 · 11:03 am
The sound of tires screeching over pavement is like none other, instantly recognizable and totally unique. It’s an uncomfortable sound, like nails going down the chalkboard but with more violent results. It’s the sound of impending doom, chaos, uncertainty, and it makes your skin crawl. You instantly freeze up in anticipation of a violent crash whenever you hear tires screeching. It’s not a happy noise. You’re acutely aware that is the last sound that thousands of people hear right before they die. More times than not, screeching tires just mean that a car is slowing down. But every once in a while it’s the sound that foreshadows a tragedy.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
December 1, 2013 · 11:02 am
December in the twelfth and final month of the calendar. It’s most famous for being the home of Christmas. Sorry to all you heathens, but you know it’s true. December is kind of a depressing month because you realize that the year is almost over. It is literally the darkest month of the year. It has the least amount of daylight of all the months in the Northern Hemisphere. The weather is the opposite in the Southern Hemisphere, so it’s Australian summertime. Those crazy Aussies have more daylight in December than any other month. December was originally the tenth month of the year. “Decem” means tenth in Latin. I guess they were too lazy to look up the Latin word for twelfth. It’s “dodeca.” December should really be called Dodecaber or Dodecber or something like that. No wonder Latin is a dead language.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 30, 2013 · 8:59 am
Today is my ten year high school reunion. It’s been ten fucking years since I graduated high school. It’s mindboggling. It’s crazy to think about how much time has gone by and about how much I’ve changed. For starters, I was pretty much straight edge in high school. I didn’t really drink and I only smoked once a year on 4/20. It’s not like that anymore. I’m not actually going to go to my high school reunion. There’s no need to. I’m still in touch with most of the people that I want to be in touch with. And there are way too many classmates that are now married with a mortgage and kids. I still am a kid. I’m younger now than I was back then. I liked high school and I liked my class and I have my yearbook if I’m ever feeling nostalgic. I just don’t think I have the stomach to be reminded of my mortality and see how many gray hairs everyone has now. That’s not my idea of a fun Saturday night. Maybe I’ll have the balls to show up for the twenty year reunion. Nonetheless, I wish everyone in Novato High School’s Class of 2003 the very best. Here’s to the night.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 30, 2013 · 8:56 am
There are times when you’re watching events unfold and you know what’s going to happen before it happens. Calling it means that you’re not only paying attention, but that you’re an active participant in events that you have no control over. It makes you feel more involved. You’ll be watching the game, notice how the defense is lined up, you’ll tell everyone within earshot that there will be an interception, and, lo and behold, there’s an interception. Congratulations, you have just called it. Other times you’ll be at a party and see two drunk strangers make a connection, and you’ll announce that they’ll be disappearing together soon. A few minutes later you’ll notice that there’s a line outside the bathroom door and no sign of the drunken couple. Looks like you called that one too. Calling it is a fun game. It doesn’t matter how often your prediction turns out to be wrong because they will only remember the times that you were right.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 28, 2013 · 11:19 am
People usually have a set route for getting to where they need to be. You go the same way to work every single day. You go the same way home every single night. You see the same things and the same sights day in, day out. Every once in a while you have to go a different way or you’ll go crazy. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. The world has a lot to offer, and taking an alternate route is a good way to discover what’s out there. You’ll find a restaurant you’ve never eaten at. You’ll notice a park that you’ve never been to. You’ll see things that you never would have seen if you stuck to your old routine. Taking an alternate route might change your whole life, but you’ll never know unless you take a chance.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 26, 2013 · 10:59 am
Picking things up with your toes is a useful skill. It’s perfect for when you drop a small object while you’re barefoot and you’re too lazy to lean over to pick it up. You’ll be able to recover a dropped fork without crawling under the table. It might not be hygienic, but it gets the job done. You should practice picking things up with your feet. Start with a pen or keys and work your way up to larger objects like cell phones. Once you’re skilled enough, you’ll be able to able to feed grapes to your lover with your hands tied behind your back. The ability to pick things up with your toes is proof that we evolved from monkeys. It’s in our DNA. It’s a skill that we need to bring back.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 25, 2013 · 10:19 am
Growing up, my family had three dogs. Every once in a while we would come home and discover that one of them had left a present on the living room carpet. And by present, I mean shit. It was always easy to determine which one of the dogs pooped on the floor. It was always the one cowering behind the furniture with a guilty look on its face. There’s no mistaking a dog that knows it’s in trouble. His ears are lowered, his tail is tucked between his legs, and he won’t make eye contact. And you would be furious if it wasn’t so adorable. That dopey look of shamed embarrassment will melt your heart every time. Humans might pretend that they are in charge, but dogs have us well trained.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 24, 2013 · 10:41 am
I live in San Francisco and so I see a lot of friends posing in pictures flashing the West Coast Sign on Facebook. You know, that hand sign that Tupac was always throwing up back in the day. It’s a sign of pride, a symbol that you’re proud to be from the west coast. It’s a simple gesture, but an alarming number of people don’t know how to do it correctly. If you’re looking at the back of the hand, the ring finger should be over the middle finger. That’s how Tupac did it and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Most of the posers that you see on Facebook have the middle finger over the ring finger. That means “Wannabe” not “West Coast.” It almost looks the same, but it’s wrong. And you don’t look cool if you’re wrong, you look like a fucking tool.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 24, 2013 · 10:39 am
Most people would never admit that they believe in ghosts or spirits. They aren’t real; they are just stories and legends told by superstitious and paranoid people. But everybody knows somebody who has a ghost story of their own, something that they swear really happened. It’s someone that you trust, and it’s something that they couldn’t make up. There are such things as real ghost stories. I had one friend who swore that his house was haunted. Doors would open and shut, there would be random cold spots, one light would always get turned on in the middle of the day, and you could sometimes catch a whiff of perfume in the living room. I stayed over a few times, and I always felt uneasy. We never saw the actual physical embodiment of a ghost, we never had any photographic evidence, and we never had any proof whatsoever. We didn’t need any, that would take all the fun out of it. There’s something fun about being afraid.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 23, 2013 · 9:56 am
People forget shit all the time, but only girls forget socks. I’m not trying to be sexist here; I’m simply stating the facts. And the facts say forgetting socks is a chick problem. It seems like almost every single day one of my female coworkers will come to work, start to change into their uniform, and realize that they forgot socks. One time I was in the breakroom and a girl came in bitching that she forgot her socks. Another girl gave her an extra pair of socks from her bag. I asked that girl why she had an extra pair of socks. She said it was in case she forgot to bring socks. Girls forget about socks so often that they plan on forgetting them. I’m glad that I don’t have to worry about forgetting socks. It’s only an issue when I’m packing for a trip. I typically won’t forget socks, but I’ll always forget something else important.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
November 22, 2013 · 9:38 am
Anyone who has caught a glimpse of the bathroom in my apartment has realized that we have an insane amount of crap in the shower. There are a few half-empty bottles of body wash, facial scrub, shampoo, and conditioner that sit there unused and undisturbed, remnants from former roommates and ex-girlfriends. There’s even a mesh sponge with a dead spider in it. Really. You can’t make that shit up. And I’m tired of seeing all these forgotten hygienic products and I’m too cheap to simply throw them away, so I’ve been using them when I shower (not the dead spider sponge, I’m hoping that a houseguest uses that one). Using up abandoned bottles of shampoo might not be ideal, but it’s better than wasting it and dumping it into the garbage. I try to think of them as free samples, not as scavenging. And anything that saves you a few bucks these days can’t be that bad.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
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