Category Archives: Random Rants

Sometimes you have a few hours in between things you have to do. You’ll get out of work early and have a few hours to go before you have to meet your friend for dinner. You have to find some way to pass the time. Killing time is better than simply waiting. There are lots of things to do to kill time. You can look at cool things on the internet, you can grab a bite to eat, you can get a few drinks at a bar. Nobody can judge you because you’re not getting drunk if you’re killing time. You’re not drinking, you are multitasking. Killing time is easy to learn but hard to master. I’m still learning, but I’m getting the hang of it.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

A scooter (or kick scooter) is a deck with wheels and a handlebar that you power by pushing. It’s like a skateboard with something to hang on to. Most people think of a Razor scooter whenever someone mentions scooters. They are sleek, two-wheeled, and easily transportable because they have a lightweight foldable aluminum frame. They are the best scooters and they singlehandedly reinvented a tired form of personal transportation. But there are many other brands and styles of scooters. There are three-wheeled models. There are four-wheeled models. They even have electric and motorized versions that move in excess of twenty miles per hour. And that’s pretty fucking fast when you’re only 2 inches off the ground. Scooters are a fun form of transportation, but they sure as hell make you lose street cred.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Bolt cutters are tools that you use to cut locks off of lockers. They have other uses too, but they are mostly used for cutting off locks in the break room. It’s the manager’s favorite job. They love snipping master locks off of abandoned lockers. They take pride in it. There is no such thing as privacy if there’s a pair of bolt cutters around. Bolt cutters are also dangerous. It’s easy to lose a fingertip or your manhood, so be careful while using them. You can’t be a redneck or a bike thief without owning a pair of bolt cutters. Bolt cutters. Get some. And then cut bolts.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Confession time: I am twenty-eight years old and still don’t know how to tie a tie without resorting to How-To Videos on YouTube. I own ties. I’ve worn them. I just don’t know how to tie them. I’ve tied a tie once successfully from memory. Once. I did such a good job (and I was so proud of myself) that I never untied it. I just slip it over my head and loosen and tighten it up as needed. It’s not the best system but it’s worked so far. Knowing how to tie a tie means that you are a man. I’m kind of reluctant to take that last step into adulthood. Ties might make you look sophisticated, but they can also make you look like a tool if you can’t pull it off. I’m afraid that I might look like a tool. At least I’m not the only one.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Some people have a big problem with riding backwards while traveling. They just can’t do it. It makes them sick for some reason. It makes them nauseous and they feel like they have to throw up. Sometimes they do. I feel bad for those people. Their seating choices are limited. Half the seats on the bus or train are unavailable to them. They either have to stand or risk puking on a stranger if they can’t face the right direction. It’s no way to live your life. I’m glad that I don’t have any problems with riding backwards while traveling. I don’t get motion sickness. If I throw up on the guy next to me, it’s because I’m drunk or bored.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

San Francisco conducts a test of the Outdoor Warning System every Tuesday at noon. It’s always good for a laugh because it freaks out the tourists and the noobs. An SF Native can always tell what day of the week it is when the sirens start blaring. It’s a routine, it’s something to be expected. It’s like a weekly fire alarm that you learn to ignore. In fact, if I was a terrorist I would attack on a Tuesday right around noon. I would do it just before noon, at 11:59, so that the locals would know something is amiss. I’m not trying to give Al Qaeda any ideas, I’m just trying to point out the folly of a routine alarm. We just can’t pay attention to it so it loses its effectiveness. The city would never know if there was a disaster if it happened around noon on a Tuesday. They’ve been conditioned to dismiss it. Thousands of lives would be lost if an earthquake or a tsunami had an impeccable sense of timing.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Everyday you see thousands of people and never give them a second thought. We treat everyone like everybody’s a part of the background, a part of the scenery. We ignore each other and act oblivious to each other’s existence. Can you remember what the person sitting next to you on the bus this morning looks like? She sat next to you for thirty minutes and you can’t remember a single detail about her. It’s like all of society has made an agreement to tune each other out. But every once in a while you’ll slip up and make eye contact with a stranger. Most people are embarrassed and apologize by glancing downward and looking away. Some people keep staring. Those people are creepers. Sometimes you can’t help but making repeated eye contact with the same stranger. You’ll be on the train when it’s crowded and end up locking eyes with a bald guy off and on for a couple of minutes until it clears out a bit and you can sit down and avoid facing him. Making eye contact with a stranger can be awkward but you shouldn’t let it. After all, everyone you know was once a stranger right? But you have to pick your moments. Sometimes that stranger is a serial killer, so be careful who you’re looking at.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young