Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

March 5, 2014 · 11:23 am

Using Toilet Paper as Kleenex

I’ve been sick the past few days and I’ve been lazy my whole life and so I’ve been using toilet paper as Kleenex to wipe my nose. We don’t have any Kleenex in my house, but we do have an ample supply of toilet paper. So I use that. It’s a waste of time and money to buy a different type of disposable tissue that you’re only going to use once to clean up bodily functions and then throw away.  Besides, it’s easier to blow your nose with toilet paper than to wipe your ass with Kleenex. T.P. is more essential and this economy makes you prioritize. Judge me all you want. It’s still better to use toilet paper as Kleenex than using your arm. Yeah, I saw you do that. You’re gross.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2014 · 11:56 am

Snopes.com

Snopes.com is the site that you go to when you need to prove your friends wrong at the bar. It’s a reference site for rumors and urban legends, and they tell you which stories are true and which ones are bullshit. I use Snopes about once or twice a week to settle an argument. The other day my coworkers were talking about how the government made Kentucky Fried Chicken change its name to KFC because they don’t use real chicken in their products. I told them they were stupid for believing that, and I quickly used Snopes to debunk their theory. They felt dumb, I felt validated, and all was right with the world once more. The Internet isn’t all rumors and lies. There are still some sites out there that tell the truth. Snopes.com is a site that you can trust. Check it out the next time you need to win a bar argument or if you have some spare time to kill. It’s also a great way to verify if Justin Bieber really died in a fiery car crash.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2014 · 1:03 pm

Tour Guide Stick

I work at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco and that means that I see millions of tourists every year. Tourists are easy to spot. They walk slow, they carry cameras and maps, and they typically have a dopey look on their face. We get a lot of tour groups from Japan, and Japanese tour groups are heavily invested in the tour guide stick system. You’ll see a group of fifty Japanese students in matching uniforms following a balding guy holding a stick with a flag or bandana tied to the top of it. The bald guy holds the tour guide stick over his head as he walks down the sidewalk, and the students are able to follow him in the crowd. The tour guide stick helps to shepherd the tourists and keeps them from getting lost or separated. But the tour guide stick is not perfect. The bandana is the most important part of the tour guide stick, but the bandana can fall off. Then the tour guide is left holding a bare broomstick while his confused students start following a biker or a pirate.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2014 · 9:52 am

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February 28, 2014 · 8:33 am

Reptilians (conspiracy theory)

There are a lot of people who believe that shape-shifting aliens control the world. Supposedly the Reptilians are reptile-like humanoids that have infiltrated the top levels of governments and corporations around the world and use their power and influence to wreak havoc. They are responsible for hurricanes and tsunamis and they masterminded 9/11. And you are an idiot if you think that they have any influence on Earth. I’m not trying to be mean, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. You are a fucking idiot if you think that lizard people from space are a global threat. There’s no way that Reptilians rule the planet. The Illuminati keep the Reptilians under control and confined to New Jersey.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 27, 2014 · 12:14 am

R.I.P. Bushman

San Francisco has lost an icon and a legend. Gregory Jacobs, A.K.A. Bushman passed away recently and Fisherman’s Wharf will never be the same again. Jacobs made his living by pretending to be a bush and scaring the crap out of oblivious tourists when they walked by him. He would typically post up near a garbage can and hide behind a few branches. Whenever somebody would get too close, he would pop out and give them a little scare. Some people got mad, but most people would laugh, plop down some money, and then hang around for a minute and watch him scare somebody else. He did that for over thirty years. He’s scared millions of people and has become a celebrity in the process. And now he’s gone and the city feels a more little empty. It’s like New York City losing the Naked Cowboy. Things are never going to be the same again.

Gregory Jacobs was one of two Bushmen. There is also another bushguy named David Johnson, and Johnson prefers to be called the World Famous Bushman. There is some dispute as to which one is the original, but they were bushpartners at one point and gradually became bushenemies. Who knew the world of street performers and busking could be so interesting? It’s kind of cool that a guy who pretended to be a bush could gain the attention and affection of millions of people from around the world. Rest in Peace Bushman. You will be missed.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 25, 2014 · 9:58 am

Ant Invasion

I arrived home from a mini vacation to find a swarm of ants going to town on the garbage can in the kitchen. There were hundreds of ants around the trash. They were on the floor, on the can, and on the wall, everywhere. I had a problem and I had to deal with it immediately. The first thing I did was take out the trash. Whatever they wanted would soon be out of the kitchen and in the curbside can. Then I had to get rid of the remaining ants. I didn’t have any bug spray, but I had a bottle of Simple Green and I figured that could be an effective weapon. And it turns out, it was beyond effective. A single spritz of Simple Green killed dozens of ants instantly. Whatever chemical combination they use in that magical elixir stopped the ants in their tracks and killed them dead. A couple of blasts was all it took to stop the invasion, and then it took a few paper towels to wipe up all the ant corpses. The Simple Green had the added bonus of cleaning and disinfecting the crime scene as well. The kitchen was actually cleaner after the massacre. I’m a hero to humanity and a murder to the ants. I stopped the ant invasion.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 23, 2014 · 2:53 pm

Clopen

Ahhhh, the clopen. That’s the term for when you have a closing shift followed by an opening shift the next day. You get to be the last one to leave the building and you get to be the first one there the next morning. It ought to be illegal, but unfortunately it’s not. It’s how you know your managers love you. Clopens shouldn’t be a common occurrence, but they happen more than you’d like them to. I secretly think about sleeping in a storage closet each time I am scheduled to clopen. It makes more sense than trekking all the way home and sleeping uncomfortably for a few hours before coming right back to work. I wonder if I could get away with keeping a tent in the break room. Probably not but it’s worth a shot. If you’re scheduled to work a clopen, you are required to bitch about it nonstop for the duration of those two shifts. It’s not a true clopen if you’re not miserable about it.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 22, 2014 · 2:23 am

White Noise (app)

I don’t like paying for apps. 99% of the apps I download are free. If I paid for an app, it better be worth it. I think that the iTunes White Noise app is worth the $1.99 fee. They have a free version, but the full version is where it’s at. White Noise is a sound soother app. It plays relaxing noises to drown out annoying noises when you’re trying to sleep. They have a bunch of different sounds like White Noise, Beach Waves Crashing, Water Sprinkler, Light Rain with Birds, Rain on Car Roof, Tibetan Singing Bowl, Clothes Dryer, Crowded Room, Boat Swaying in Water, City Streets, and Amazon Jungle (my personal favorite). It has a timer function so the sound will stop after you fall asleep. There’s also an alarm clock function as well as a display clock with different color settings. Sound soothers help you fall asleep and sleeping is good. I’ve noticed that when I’m sleeping in the city I tend to play nature sounds, and when I go to my parent’s house in the suburbs I tend to play city sounds. Check out the White Noise app from TMSOFT the next time you’re having trouble sleeping. You can thank me in the morning.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 21, 2014 · 1:08 pm

High Five

A high five is a gesture of acknowledgment and celebration. You need a minimum of two people and something to celebrate. Let’s pretend your stupid brother finally got his driver’s license after the fourth attempt. You would say something like “High five” or “Gimme five” and then the two of you slap your palms together. Remember that it’s a celebratory gesture. It has to be earned. You can’t go around high fiving everybody all the time. I had a coworker who would high five everyone and everybody for no reason. It was awkward. He was awkward. He got fired and moved back to his hometown. Nobody misses him. And it’s all because he didn’t know the proper high five etiquette. High fives are easy. You just have to know when to apply them. Don’t be a constant high-fiver, don’t be that guy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

 

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February 18, 2014 · 12:21 pm

School Bus

A school bus is a bus that takes students to and from school, as well as other school events like field trips and juvenile detention facilities. An American school bus is typically yellow. You don’t want to be on the short bus. The shorter your bus, the more problems you have. I think I’ve been on a school bus once or twice in my life. My mom was a teacher at my school so I always had a ride for elementary and middle school, I carpooled in high school, and I drove in college. I feel like I missed out on a part of my childhood by not taking the school bus. The school bus always seemed so amazing as depicted in movies and on TV shows like The Magic School Bus, The Simpsons, and Billy Madison. It’s a place for shenanigans and rowdiness. I like being rowdy, I like shenanigans, and the school bus seems like the best place for that. It’s a confined space, there’s an audience, there’s an angry driver, and there are no seatbelts. It’s paradise for the rambunctious.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 17, 2014 · 11:47 am

Ejection Seat In a Helicopter

I remember watching a History Channel documentary when I was about ten or eleven years old. They mentioned an ejection seat in a helicopter and I immediately started laughing. I thought it was the best bad idea of all time. I pictured a pilot ejecting straight into the blades, splattering instantly like a water balloon in a blender, like shit hitting the fan. It still makes me laugh. I know that real helicopter ejection seats don’t work like that, and that’s almost a shame. An ejection seat in a helicopter. Think about it. Appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2014 · 1:04 pm

Birthday Shout Out

So it’s your birthday. Congratulations. Let me guess, you’re going to celebrate by going out to dinner with friends and family. And one of them will slyly mention that it’s your birthday to your server in hopes that the server will do a birthday shout out and bring out a free dessert. Birthday shout outs are embarrassing. They embarrass the server, they embarrass the birthday boy, and it’s embarrassing for the human race. I’ve experienced both sides of the birthday shout out. I’m a server at a corporate restaurant and I’ve yelled out birthday announcements for thousands of people. And I’ve hated it every single time. Servers hate birthday shout outs for a lot of reasons. One, they are annoying to do. Two, it’s hard to hear what someone is ordering when the whole restaurant is yelling. Three, it opens up Pandora’s box and suddenly every fucking table is celebrating a birthday too. I don’t mind doing a birthday shout out for a kid or for somebody’s 21st birthday, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. Sorry grandma, I’m not going to sing for you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2014 · 9:52 am

Spell Check

Spell check is a program that checks your spelling. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can use it to find mistakes and correct them. It’s a curse because it makes people dumber. Why would anybody learn the correct way to spell a word if they don’t have to? People are lazy and spell check is proof of that. I’m not going to lie, I use spell check all the time. But I also know the difference between there, their, and they’re. I use spell check as a tool, not as a crutch. I don’t need spell check, but some people rely on it. You still need to have a grasp of the English language in order to use spell check effectively.  Spell check isn’t perfect. It makes mistakes all the time, especially with its and it’s. You need to check what the spell check is checking to see if everything checks out.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2014 · 10:20 am

Tablets

The iPad was first released on April 3, 2010 and the world hasn’t been the same since. Tablets have taken over. Most people are casual computer users. They just want to surf the net, play movies and music, take pictures, check Facebook, and play games. They don’t need a desktop computer or a laptop to do that anymore. They just need a decent tablet to stay connected and entertained. One of the reasons why tablets are so popular is because they are super portable. They are lightweight, they don’t take up much space, and you can take them anywhere. Laptops are more powerful, but they are also more of a hassle to lug around and the battery life isn’t as good. Plus it’s a lot easier and more comfortable to read an article or an eBook on a tablet than it is to read on a laptop.

Tablets are the future. You feel as if you’re in a sci-fi movie when you’re using them. It’s cool to have the entire internet right  in your hands, presented in bright colors and pretty pictures that you can swipe and swivel and interact with. When you FaceTime or Skype with someone, it’s like they are in the room with you. Tablets aren’t going anywhere, they are here to stay. I’ve noticed a trend: tablets keep getting smaller and smartphones keep getting larger. In a few years your iPad will fit in your pocket and you’ll need a backpack for your iPhone. You can’t stop progress.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2014 · 12:51 am

Valentine’s Day

February 14th is Valentine’s Day for people in happy relationships and Singles Awareness Day for everyone else. If you’re single and feeling lonely, I highly recommend avoiding Facebook for the day. You’ll find out that yet another ex is getting engaged while you cry alone on the couch, using your own tears as lubricant. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday, created by greeting card/candy companies to get consumers to consume more. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. No matter what I say, it still feels good to get a card from someone (even if it’s from my mom). I’m single. It’s not Valentine’s Day for me, but it’s still a holiday because Spring Training starts today. God, I love baseball. Valentine’s Day sucks though.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2014 · 12:35 pm

First in Line

Waiting in line sucks, but there’s something awesome about being first in line. Everybody who lines up is eagerly anticipating something and the first one in line gets to experience it before everyone else. And that makes you better than them. They are jealous of you and you love it. You feel like you’re in charge, like you’re the king. It’s a very empowering feeling. You might gloat a little and nobody will blame you. Being the first in line brings certain responsibilities. You’re the representative for all the other consumers in line with you. You’re the one who tells the passers-by what the line is for. You’re the one that talks to the media. You’re the one to lead the charge when they finally open the doors. You’re the first in line. That’s something to be proud of. You earned this shit. There can be only one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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