Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

June 20, 2012 · 8:16 am

Is Pepsi Ok?

I work at a restaurant where we have Pepsi products. And I’m a Coke guy. So if someone orders a Coke, I feel obligated to ask, “Is Pepsi Ok?”. More than half the time they will change their order to an iced tea, Dr Pepper, root beer or a water. I think brand loyalty is awesome. “No, I will not settle for a Pepsi. I would rather have  glass of the semen-killing Mountain Dew.” If someone orders a Coke and you don’t have it, you have to tell them that you have an inferior product. Coke and Pepsi are similar, but they aren’t the same. One of the most important questions in life is if “Pepsi’s ok?”… And no, Pepsi is not ok.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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June 19, 2012 · 10:38 am

Forgetting Which Beer is Yours

People drink. And people drink socially. One unfortunate byproduct of drinking with other people is that a few other people will have the same drink as you. It’s not a big deal if everyone holds on to their drink the entire time the whole time, but that’s not going to happen. You’ll set your beer down to go to the bathroom or to go out to smoke. And other people will do the same. You’ll come back to your spot and see three identical beers where you left your suds. Forgetting which beer is yours sucks, but if you’re not sure which one is yours then just take whichever one has more beer left.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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June 16, 2012 · 8:55 am

Being More Sober Than Your Designated Driver

People like to drink. People like to pretend that they are responsible. Sometimes they will designate a designated driver, sometimes someone will volunteer to be the designated driver.  It is hard to be in a public situation with tons of drunk people and refrain from having a few drinks. It’s understandable if the designated driver has a few, so long as they don’t get too drunk. But sometimes they do. Sometimes you end up being more sober than you designated driver. All you can do is suck it up and buckle your seatbelt and be glad you’re not in the driver’s seat. If he crashes, it’s his fault, I just wanted a ride.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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June 12, 2012 · 11:00 am

Getting Drunk Too Early

People like to party and I like to partake. But bars can be expensive, so it’s essential to pregame in today’s economy. You’ll grab some booze and a few friends to pound a few drinks to get a nice buzz going before you hit up the town. Just make sure you pace yourself and don’t get too carried away, because there’s nothing worse than getting drunk too early. You’ll get sleepy and pass out, and you’ll hear stories about all the crazy shit that you missed for the next few weeks. They could be exaggerating, but you’ll never know because you were lame and passed out before leaving the house. It’s inevitable, it’s going to happen. I’m just glad I’m not still in college so I don’t get Sharpie all over my face when it happens to me.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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June 2, 2012 · 9:36 am

Which Drink to Grab when Double Fisting

Double fisting is not sexual slang, it’s when you get two drinks at once. After a stressful day at work, or a regular day at work, or a day off from work it’s nice to go to the local watering hole and grab a drink. But it’s pointless to grab just one drink because you know that you will have another one soon. So you should get two drinks. And you should mix it up because variety is nice. So you get an IPA and a Jack & Coke. You settle down and relax a bit, switching between your fluids and making friendly conversation. But you have to pay attention to which drink to grab when double fisting. You don’t want to run out of your beer before you finish your Jack & Coke and vice versa. It’s a balancing act and a delicate one at that. So mind the stepchildren and stay aware.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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May 31, 2012 · 9:33 am

Miller Lite

Miller Lite is considered by many to be the first light beer. This is when American beer went from being bad to being terrible. It has an alcohol content of 4.2%, which is only slightly higher than O’Douls or mountain spring water. I don’t like beer with low alcohol content. I drink to get drunk, not to take a piss every 15 minutes with a slight buzz.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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May 20, 2012 · 9:11 am

Naked Blue Machine

Naked Blue Machine isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. Naked is a brand that makes natural juice drinks. Blue Machine is one of their 100% juice smoothies. It has 27 blueberries, 3 blackberries, 3 ¼ apples, and one banana. That’s a lot of juice in a 15.2 oz. bottle. It’s pretty good, if you skip breakfast and chug this you won’t feel as guilty. It’s a better alternative to soda, but it’s not as refreshing. It tastes good and it’s good for you, and that’s good I guess.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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May 15, 2012 · 10:15 am

Skittlebrau

One of the many zany things that the Simpsons have brought to the world is Skittlebrau, the beer that has candy floating in it. Apu said it doesn’t exist and that Homer probably imagined it, but it inspired me to try it. People add slices of fruit to beer all the time, so why not add fruit candy? Skittlebrau works best with lagers; IPAs and Ales are too hoppy to taste the rainbow. I don’t float the Skittles in the beer, that would be a waste of Skittles and beer. Instead I pop a few Skittles in my mouth and wash it down with a swig or two. It gives the beer a fruity flavor. It actually improves the taste if you are drinking a swill beer or a forty. Skittles and beer go hand in hand. Skittles are good. Beer is great. Good + Great = Amazing.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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May 14, 2012 · 9:17 am

Lagunitas Maximus

The Lagunitas Brewing Company is known for their IPA. Their Maximus India Pale Ale has more alcohol and is hoppier. Wikipedia says it has a spicy finish with a lot of rose petal. Maybe my palate isn’t sophisticated because I don’t taste the rose petal. I think Wikipedia is lying. Anyway, 8.2% alcohol is pretty decent; it can definitely make you sleepy. Lagunitas is a great microbrewery. If you ever see it at the liquor store you should grab it. And read the label; they usually have a funny and random rant printed on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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May 7, 2012 · 8:42 am

Accidently Grabbing a Low Calorie Beverage

I was just at my local liquor store because it’s a super hot day and I was feeling like Gatorade might just be the greatest thing ever. Imagine my delight when I saw a new flavor – Raspberry Lemonade. I don’t know if it’s really new, I just haven’t seen it before so it’s new to me. I made my purchase, feeling pleased with myself. I went home, cracked it open, and took a few giant gulps. And then I noticed the slightly off aftertaste and realized that I made a terrible mistake. I grabbed a low calorie Gatorade. The aftertaste has burned itself into my taste buds. I can’t live like this. Low Calorie beverages are the liquid equivalent of full screen DVDs.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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May 4, 2012 · 9:47 am

White Hawk Select IPA

The fine folks at Mendocino Brewing Company of Ukiah, CA have crafted another delicious microbrew. White Hawk Select IPA in an India Pale Ale that has a decent amount of flavor and a decent 7.0% alcohol content. This isn’t the best IPA, but it’s one of the better cheaper microbrewed IPAs. Mendocino Brewing Co. has some pretty decent brews. If you see it, you should get it, you won’t regret it. And even if you do regret it, I don’t care. Never trust the internet. This is just a filler article anyway.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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May 2, 2012 · 9:41 am

5-Hour Energy Grape

There wasn’t enough caffeine in soda and coffee, so they came out with energy drinks. And those weren’t unhealthy enough so they came out with 5-Hour Energy. There are a few foul flavors available that don’t taste anything like the fruit they claim to be, Grape in this case. I’m pretty sure you’ve had a 5-Hour Energy or at least seen their lame infomercials. They say you get hours of energy now with no crash later. That’s bullshit. You will crash harder than Ryan Dunn. They straight up claim that you can drink this everyday. That’s bullshit. You will get heart murmurs and die and people will assume you just died of a drug overdose and no one will go to your funeral because they think that you gave up on life.

These things are ok to drink every once in a while. If you drink the whole thing at once you will get really jittery. They are smaller than a Red Bull, but Red Bull is better. Cocaine is also better. It’s probably healthier for you too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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April 23, 2012 · 9:51 am

Bear Republic Racer X Double IPA

Bear Republic is a microbrewer from Healdsburg, CA. Racer X Double IPA is a strong India Pale Ale. It’s malty and hoppy, and that makes me happy. The 8.3% alcohol content makes me even happier. If you like IPAs, Double IPAs are even better. And this is a good one to try. So try it if you can. I did, and I was glad that I got it. I’ll get it again too.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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April 22, 2012 · 8:40 am

Just One Drink

Just one drink at the bar is never just one drink. One drink turns into two drinks, which turns into four drinks, and before you know it, you are shitfaced and the bar is closing. The problem is approaching the bar with that “I’m only going to have a drink” mentality. It’s like approaching a grocery store, you have to know which particular thing you want, or you end up filling your cart. If you only want a beer or a gin & tonic, that’s ok. That is something specific that you came into the bar for. If you just want a drink, no matter what you get you are still unsatisfied, you are still thirsty. After whatever the first round is, you feel the need to switch it up and get something harder. If you started with beer, now it’s time for a jack and coke. If you started with a jack and coke, now it’s time for a shot. If you started with a shot, it’s time to double fist and take a random pill.

Most of the time when I get just one drink, it’s to kill time after work. I’ll go to the local dive bar and grab a drink and bitch about customers. And then someone will call or text and say that they are on their way. So I have to have just one more drink with them. It’s only polite, right?

Critically Rated at 9/17

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April 21, 2012 · 9:07 am

Snapple Fruit Punch

Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth. Lies. It’s not terrible, but eating grass isn’t terrible either. That’s not fair, Snapple is a little bit better than eating grass. Snapple is known for its tea. Fruit punch is not tea. Why they would try and tread on Kool-Aid’s territory is a mystery to me. If you make tea, you shouldn’t make fruit punch. It’s not even a real flavor. It doesn’t even have caffeine. There is no reason to drink this. I would rather hold Skittles in my mouth, build up my saliva, wait a few minutes and swallow that liquid travesty than pay money for a mediocre fruit punch beverage.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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April 20, 2012 · 8:54 am

Blue Moon

Blue Moon Belgian White is a nice Belgian-style wheat ale, brewed by Blue Moon Brewing, Co. in Denver, Colorado. It’s unfiltered and refreshing. There’s a hint of a sweet orange finish. Lots of people garnish it with an orange slice. If you like hefeweizen, you would probably like Blue Moon. It has a decent 5.4% alcohol content, pretty standard for an American brew. Blue Moon sometimes comes in multipacks with a few other flavors, always a good choice when you can’t decide which beer to get.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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April 9, 2012 · 11:14 am

Crystal Geyser Juice Squeeze Key Lime

Crystal Geyser has a line of healthy soda alternatives called Juice Squeeze. They market them as “a natural and delicious sparkling juice refreshment”. And it has 70% juice! It has a USDA approved full fruit serving in every bottle! A beverage that is approved by the United States Government is good enough for me, and I bought a bottle like a good little consumer. I got the Key Lime flavor, because I was in a rambunctious mood, and wanted something zesty. It tasted like a sparkling watered down version of a dessert classic. It’s decent but I wasn’t blown away or anything. If I was stuck on a desert island and this was all there was to drink, eventually I would drink seawater.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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