Monthly Archives: March 2013

March 6, 2013 · 9:50 am

Tangerine Wheat

Wheat beers taste better with a fruit garnish. It’s why Blue Moon gets an orange slice. It’s why hefeweizen gets a lemon. But sometimes I’m lazy and want a wheat beer with fruit flavor already added. That’s when I get Tangerine Wheat from Lost Coast Brewery and Café. Tangerine Wheat is a wheat beer with tangerine flavor. Lost Coast is best known for making Great White and Tangerine Wheat is almost like a sequel to Great White. It’s like Great White with tangerine in it. It’s a refreshing and fruity beer. Some people say it tastes like beer with Tang in it. I think those people have no idea what a tangerine tastes like. Maybe they’ve never experienced a tangerine. Either way, the 5% alcohol content is low enough that you can drink these for the entire barbeque and still feel like you can drive home. And the citrus undertones will mask any trace of alcohol. I’m not saying you should drink and drive. I’m saying that Tangerine Wheat is a good choice if you want to.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:45 am

Courtesy Wave

There are a lot of aggressive drivers on the road these days. You see a lot of people cutting off other cars, following too closely, neglecting their turn signals, and planting the seeds for a road rage tree. There are a lot of dick moves that you can pull that will piss off other drivers. If you cut someone off or almost crash into them, you can erase the tension with a simple courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is an easy way to say sorry for being an asshole or show your appreciation for an act of kindness. That simple hand gesture can save your life, especially if you’re driving in Los Angeles. If someone lets you back out of parking spot during rush hour, you better give them a courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is not an excuse to drive like an asshole, it’s a way to let other drivers know you’re sorry for driving like one.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:42 am

Stall Man

I am a stall man. I have nothing against urinals. I will use the urinal if I have to. But if I go into a public restroom and have a choice between a stall or a urinal, the stall will win every time. You have a greater sense of privacy. You can take your time and be a little more relaxed, sometimes your peter needs some time to get comfortable before anything starts flowing. There can be a little performance anxiety at the urinal sometimes, especially when other people are waiting in line. It’s kind of weird knowing that other guys are standing around watching and waiting for you to pee. The stall alleviates some of that pressure. Just try not to pee on the seat.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2013 · 10:44 am

Rampage Imperial IPA

Rampage Imperial IPA is an India Pale Ale brewed by Black Diamond Brewing Co. from Concorde, California. This is a full flavored beer, hoppy, malty, and bitter with citrus undertones. It also has a 9% alcohol content. If that’s not enough of a selling point for you, maybe the label art will persuade you. It has a rampaging elephant with demon eyes bursting out from a bunch of hops. It stares you right in the face, daring you to try this beer. And you don’t turn down an angry elephant. You will try this beer. The demon elephant demands it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2013 · 10:42 am

Knocking Something Over and Catching It Before It Falls

You’re talking to your friend and telling a dramatic story using sweeping arm gestures for emphasis when you accidently hit a bottle on the table. It slowly tips over and starts to fall, it’s about to shatter into a million pieces, but then your superpowers activate and you snatch the bottle out of the air with the speed of a mongoose. Knocking something over and catching it before it falls is the closest thing to heroism that most of us will experience. You feel like your quick reflexes averted a disaster. In reality, your clumsiness almost caused an accident. It’s a classic example of being a winner and a loser at the same time. Oh well. No harm, no foul.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:40 am

Birthday Beer

It’s your friend’s birthday and you want to get him something but you don’t want to go overboard. I recommend buying him a birthday beer. You can pick up a 6-pack of something nice, a 12-pack of something decent, or buy a round at the bar. All options are acceptable. Birthday beer is a perfectly valid present for anyone that is 21 or older. 18 if you’re European. Everyone wants to get drunk and nobody wants to pay for it. I’m sure you friend will appreciate the gesture. Don’t buy beer for anyone that you want to sleep with. That’s what wine and hard alcohol are for.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:37 am

Riding Backward on Public Transportation

Riding backward on public transportation makes some people nauseous. Some people can only face the front when they are the bus or train. And that works fine for me. Anyone that can’t handle riding backward on public transportation is a friend of mine. They are less competition. They can only sit in half the seats and that means twice as much seating is available for me. I wish I could feign sympathy, but I secretly relish the fact that you get dizzy facing the opposite direction. I must be a better person than you if I can sit in more places, right?

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2013 · 8:54 am

Wheelchair Dogs

If you’re feeling down or depressed, you should go on the Internet and watch videos of wheelchair dogs. It will make you feel better. I’m not trying to make fun of paralyzed dogs, I’m trying to point out that dogs are pretty simple creatures. They just want to run around and be loved. And it’s pretty sad when a dog can’t run around and play. That’s why customized wheelchairs for dogs are a good thing. Now Spot can roll around, chasing sticks and other dogs. That wheelchair gave him his life back. He doesn’t care that he’s stuck in a chair, he doesn’t feel sorry for himself, he’s not embarrassed or ashamed… all wants he wants to do is chase that squirrel and now he can.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2013 · 8:52 am

2-Liter Bottle of RC Cola

I know that I’ve written about RC Cola before. In fact, I gave it a terrible review and said that it was never worth getting again. That was before I saw that they only charge 99¢ for a 2-liter bottle of the stuff. That’s cheaper than bottled water. It’s still a mediocre soda, but it’s fucking cheap and so am I. Coca-Cola will always be my soda of choice, but sometimes my wallet has more influence than my taste buds. And on those occasions I shall grab a 2-liter bottle of RC Cola and ask you not to think less of me.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:02 am

Hamper

A hamper is a storage bin for your dirty clothes. It’s kind of like a trash can for your wardrobe. You just throw your shirts and socks and underwear in the hamper at the end of the day. After a few weeks it will be overflowing with dirty clothes and you’ll have to do laundry because you have nothing else to wear. You can’t be a functional adult without having a hamper. You can’t keep your used clothes in a heap on the floor or in a trash bag in your closet. Well you can, but you probably won’t get laid anytime soon. So go to the hamper store and buy a hamper if you don’t have a hamper. Then put your dirty clothes in it, then do the laundry when it’s full, and then repeat the process until you die.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:00 am

ATM Machine

When smart people need money they go to the ATM. When dumb people need money they go to the ATM machine. I lose respect for anyone who says “ATM Machine.” It’s like they are going out of their way to be stupid. ATM usually stands for Automated Teller Machine, so you’re saying Automated Teller Machine Machine and that’s retarded. There is an exception: sometimes ATM stands for “Ass to Mouth.” If that’s the ATM you’re referring to, then it’s ok to say ATM machine. It’s acceptable as long as it’s descriptive and not redundant.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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