Monthly Archives: June 2012

June 22, 2012 · 9:53 am

LeBron James

Love him or hate him, LeBron James is good for basketball. You need a guy that stands out, that elevates the game to another level. LeBron James is the best player in the NBA right now. He’s a one-man show, but he’s also a great passer, he’s a willing team player. He’s not the best ever, but you could argue that he is, and that’s the sign of a great player. He came up in the spotlight. He was hailed as the next Michael Jordan. Despite all the attention and focus on him, he still emerged as a force to be reckoned with. He could have been and should have been a bust with all the pressure he was under. But now he has his ring. People will bash him for leaving his original team and chasing one. But that is what you need to do to become a legend. Charles Barkley never got a ring, and he will never be considered as one of the best for that simple reason.

LeBron James reminds me a lot of Barry Bonds. A lot of people loved him. It seemed even more people hated him. They would boo him, they would jeer him, they would taunt and heckle him. But when he stepped up to the plate everyone would shut the hell up and watch. Because they knew that they were about to witness the best in the game demonstrate why he is the best in the game. Barry never got his ring though. LeBron did.

Props to LeBron. Props to the NBA. A win for the best is a win for everyone.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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June 21, 2012 · 9:59 am

Superman Returns

Superman Returns is a very underrated comic book movie. It’s not a bad flick. It drags on in a few places, but it’s a pretty solid movie. The problem is that you either like Superman or you don’t. If you don’t like Superman, don’t watch this movie. Bran Singer (X-Men, The Usual Suspects) directs Brandon Routh as the Man of Steel. Kevin Spacey plays Lex Luthor and a horribly miscast Kate Bosworth plays Lois Lane.

This movie is as much of a tribute as it is a sequel to the Christopher Reeve films. The title sequence is like a time machine that takes you back to the original Superman movie. This movie is a sequel to the first two Christopher Reeve Superman movies and ignores the shitty third and fourth installments. Superman (Brandon Routh) left Earth to explore the remains of Krypton for survivors and returns after a five-year absence.

Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) has a kid and a new boyfriend named Richard White (James Marsden), the nephew of Perry White (Frank Langella), her boss and the editor of the Daily Planet. Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is freed from jail and dupes an old lady into leaving him her fortune, and Lex is back in the game.

Clark Kent goes back to work at the Daily Planet. The only person who seems happy that Clark is back is Jimmy Olson (Sam Huntington). Lois is completely indifferent to his return and seems super preoccupied with her obsession with Superman.

Lex gets a hold of some Kryponite and devises a plot to create a new continent. Lex will get a bunch of valuable real estate and billions of people will die. So naturally Superman has to try to stop this.

Lois Lane is trying to find a story and can’t find a babysitter, so she and her son go onto Lex’s yacht and stumble into the middle of his diabolical plan. Lex catches them and holds them prisoner while he executes his plan.

The huge land mass that he creates causes some damage in Metropolis and Superman flies around saving people and preventing mass casualties before flying out to sea to rescue Lois. Shit doesn’t go according to plan and Lex gets the upper hand and Superman almost dies.

Superman doesn’t die though. He survives his coma and finds out that Lois and Richard’s son is actually his son from when he slept with Lois in the second movie. And now he has more of a reason to stalk Lois. The movie never discloses what happens to Richard. I think he killed himself. Wouldn’t you? You can’t compete with Superman, he’s fucking Superman.

This movie’s biggest flaw is that it acts sort of like an origin story, or a reintroduction to a classic character. The problem is that everyone already knows who Superman is and what he represents. Just get to the fucking action already. And Superman is a super man… it’s boring to see him face off with someone mentally rather than physically. I want to see him fight Doomsday or someone who would put up a fight. Superman versus Lex Luthor has already been done multiple times on the big screen, something new would have been nice.

Kate Bosworth is hot. She just sucks in this movie. She is way too young to be playing Lois Lane. It’s not believable that she would have a five-year old son. She doesn’t do anything to assume control of the role. Margot Kidder is way better than she ever could be.

Brandon Routh does a good job as Superman. He looks a lot like Christopher Reeve, but still does subtle things to differentiate himself. He had big shoes to fill, but he did as good of a job as anyone could do. He makes Clark Kent and Superman two different people.

Kevin Spacey is having a lot of fun as Lex Luthor. He isn’t overacting as much as Gene Hackman, but he plays him over the top at times. Sometimes he is downright scary. He can flip a switch and go from merry to maniacal in a half second. Kal Penn is his henchman for some reason.

I saw this movie in 3D IMAX. The movie was almost all in 2D except for a few scenes. A little icon in the corner of the screen would prompt you to put on your glasses and the effect was amazing. If you wear 3D glasses the whole time, the effect wears off. But if only a few scenes are in 3D, the effect is more apparent and more relevant. Only a few key sequences were worthy enough to convert to 3D so you appreciated it more.

Yeah, this movie drags. Yeah, there could have been a better villain. But it brought Superman back to the big screen and that’s worth something. This movie was not a flop. It almost made $400 million. But people still hate on it and I don’t get why. If you appreciate Superman, you should like it. It’s not the best Superman story, but it’s not the worst. It is what it is, and it’s better than a lot of comic book movies.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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June 21, 2012 · 9:51 am

The Last Bit of Toothpaste

My tube of toothpaste is almost empty. It’s been almost empty for more than a week. Each morning I squeeze out enough to brush my teeth, and each night I squeeze out a little more. It’s important to get that last bit of toothpaste on your brush. You gotta get your money’s worth. My tube has been nearly depleted for a week, but there’s still enough coming out that I can’t just throw it away. It’s like a battery, you use it until it’s completely used up or it’s a waste.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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June 20, 2012 · 8:26 am

Saved by the Bell

Damn, I miss the ‘90s. Saved by the Bell was the show for my generation. Everyone wanted to go to Bayside High School and hang out with Zack Morris and his gang. This was a show for kids, but it was about teenagers. It was pretty watered down, but they would handle issues like love, death, cheating, bullying, environmental issues, and drugs…  A lot of the plotlines are laughable today, but that is part of the appeal of the show. It affected you in ways that you don’t even realize, for example, I smoke weed, but I will never abuse caffeine pills.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar plays Zack Morris, the coolest kid in the world. They only other high school kid that is even comparable to Zack is Ferris Bueller. Ferris only had one movie, Zack Morris thrived for multiple seasons over three shows (Good Morning, Miss Bliss; Saved by the Bell; and Saved by the Bell: The College Years). Ferris Bueller would occasionally talk directly to the audience, Zack Morris could actually stop time and talk directly to the audience without the rest of the characters realizing it. Zack is preppy, but sometimes he’s a jock and competes on the track team. Sometimes he is a slacker, and sometimes he outscores Jesse on the SATs. Zack Morris is Saved by the Bell, if you don’t like him, than you don’t like the show.

Kelly Kapowski is one of Zack’s best friends and his occasional girlfriend. Every guy who watched this show had a crush on Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. She makes Kelly the beautiful girl next door, she is pretty, nice, the ideal American girl.

Dustin Diamond plays Screech, Zack’s best friend and a complete geek. He is really smart, but lacks common sense. He is usually the butt of the jokes, and he has a huge unrequited crush on Lisa.

Lisa Turtle is played by Lark Voorhies. She is spoiled and obsessed with fashion. She likes to gossip and she loves being popular. Cool tidbit about her character, she was originally supposed to be white and Jewish, but Lark Voorhies brought a new level to the character and luckily she was cast. She is underrated but is an essential asset to the cast.

Mario Lopez plays Albert Clifford “A.C.” Slater. Sometimes he’s Zack’s rival, sometimes he’s a really close friend. He is a jock, he is the captain of the wrestling team and is usually going out with Jessie.

Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is another one of Zack’s best friends. She is really smart but not as smart as Screech. She is a feminist and is politically correct and always tries to stand up to injustices. She can be pretentious at times, and even my seven-year-old self could recognize a bitch and Jesse is a bitch a lot of the time. But then she did Showgirls and got naked a lot and that was awesome.

Dennis Haskins plays Mr. Belding, the school principal. He tries to be an authority figure, but the kids don’t respect him. In fact, he always seems to be trying to get on Zack’s good side. He has to punish him occasionally, but it seems like he might be a pedophile and just wants a little attention from Zack Morris.

Zack Morris runs a lot of scams, he hurts a lot of innocent people, he uses and abuses his friends, he manipulates his parents, teachers, and Mr. Belding… he is still an icon to kids everywhere. He is a troublemaker with a heart of gold. And it doesn’t matter that he finds true love with Kelly or a girl that a he met on the beach for a few episodes… he is still the hero of the show and everyone wants to be like him. He made cellphones cool way before the iPhone.

This is a classic show. It’s not a good show. The writing is pretty terrible and often lazy. There is no continuity. Characters show up for a single episode and disappear forever. But this is one of those rare shows where catching a single episode will bring back memories of all the episodes that you watched. If you quote a line in a conversation and someone catches it, be prepared to geek out because you will start talking about your favorite moments, lines, and episodes. That’s part of the fun of experiencing a show like this.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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June 20, 2012 · 8:16 am

Is Pepsi Ok?

I work at a restaurant where we have Pepsi products. And I’m a Coke guy. So if someone orders a Coke, I feel obligated to ask, “Is Pepsi Ok?”. More than half the time they will change their order to an iced tea, Dr Pepper, root beer or a water. I think brand loyalty is awesome. “No, I will not settle for a Pepsi. I would rather have  glass of the semen-killing Mountain Dew.” If someone orders a Coke and you don’t have it, you have to tell them that you have an inferior product. Coke and Pepsi are similar, but they aren’t the same. One of the most important questions in life is if “Pepsi’s ok?”… And no, Pepsi is not ok.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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June 19, 2012 · 10:48 am

Superman: Red Son (comic)

Superman is an American icon. But what if he wasn’t? Mark Millar’s story puts a simple twist on the Superman legend… what if baby Superman was twelve hours late and crash-landed into the Soviet Union instead of America? In this alternate universe, Superman lands in the Ukraine and comes to embrace Communism. Instead on an S on his chest, he sports a hammer and sickle. He makes the Soviet Union the dominating world power, while the US goes on the decline. The story is presented in three acts. The first act is establishes who this different Superman is and what he stands for. He is still a hero, he wants to help people, he is selfless, but he embraces the Soviet ideals instead of American ideals. The first act also introduces the other key characters, like the brilliant American scientist/genius Lex Luthor and his beautiful wife Lois “Formerly Lane” Luthor. There’s a Russian version of Batman who is leading a rebellion against the Soviet dictatorship. There’s a version of Wonder Woman that is also familiar and yet different. The second act is about Superman taking control of the Soviet Union. He doesn’t do it because he wants power, he does it because he feels obligated to help because he can help. Russian Batman is continuing to fight back against a dictatorship that’s headed by an all-powerful alien. With the help of Lex Luthor he lures Superman into a trap and nearly defeats him, but Wonder Woman saves Superman, even though it costs her a lot in the process. The last act finds Superman facing off against Lex Luthor, who is now the President of the United States. Lex is able to bring the US back from the point of total economic and social collapse, but it’s just the first step in his plan to destroy Superman. President Luthor uses Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, and other tactics to wage war on Superman. I don’t want to give away anything major, but there is a great twist. So here is a spoiler alert – in this alternate universe, Lex Luthor saves mankind and sires a long line of brilliant descendants, one of which is named Jor-L who sends his infant son into the past, where he crash-lands in a field in the Ukraine. Mark Millar does a great job of reimaging Superman as a Russian. He is recognizable, but his upbringing changes aspects of his being. The best part of this story is how they use familiar characters in different ways. You’ll recognize a lot of DC characters, from Oliver Queen to Brainiac. You’ll even appreciate the historical figures that pop up, like Stalin or JFK and his Hollywood lover named Norma Jean. The artwork is great, but it’s the story that stands out. It’s just a cool take on a character that everyone knows. Superman is the most important character in the DC Universe. He affects everyone and everything. You will like this book, even if you’ve never read a Superman comic before, but you’ll appreciate it more if you have a greater grasp of his origin. Critically Rated at 13/17

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June 19, 2012 · 10:38 am

Forgetting Which Beer is Yours

People drink. And people drink socially. One unfortunate byproduct of drinking with other people is that a few other people will have the same drink as you. It’s not a big deal if everyone holds on to their drink the entire time the whole time, but that’s not going to happen. You’ll set your beer down to go to the bathroom or to go out to smoke. And other people will do the same. You’ll come back to your spot and see three identical beers where you left your suds. Forgetting which beer is yours sucks, but if you’re not sure which one is yours then just take whichever one has more beer left.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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June 18, 2012 · 11:36 am

Total Recall

Paul Verhoevan (RoboCop, Showgirls) directs Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. Arnie is Douglas Quaid, a regular guy from the future who dreams about going to Mars. Rather than taking an actual, physical vacation, Quaid opts to visit Rekall, where he can have an artificial memory planted directly into his brain that recreates a visit to Mars. He decides to upgrade his Rekall package for the secret agent package, and than the movie jumps into the main story and you aren’t sure if Quaid is dreaming or awake.

Douglas Quaid is a lowly construction worker who is married to Sharon Stone. Somehow he is not satisfied with his life and longs for more adventure. He is haunted by images of Mars and decides to take a virtual vacation to the Red Planet, despite the reservations of his wife (Sharon Stone) and co-worker/friend. Quaid goes to Rekall anyway and when they try to implant his artificial memories, they discover that he has already had his mind erased once and they decide to get rid of him to avoid any trouble.

Quaid stumbles into a plot that he can’t comprehend. His wife, his friends, people that he thought he could trust all turn on him and try to kill him. Quaid finds himself in the midst of an epic battle to control civilian life on Mars. His main foe is Richter (Michael Ironside) who works for the enigmatic Cohaagen (Ronnie Cox). Quaid makes his way to Mars where he meets an old ally/lover that he can’t quite remember named Melina (Rachel Ticotin).

Quaid meets a few characters on Mars, like the cab driver Benny and the mutant Kuato, and the three-titted lady who might not have a name, but needs no introduction.

I don’t want to spoil the movie, but everything that they say will happen in the movie happens in the movie. The movie spoils itself, they say what will happen, and it happens. You just have to experience how it happens.

They are making a remake of this movie. I have no idea why. Don’t mess with the classics. This movie was based on a short story, but I don’t care how loyal it is to the original concept. Total Recall is a Schwarzenegger movie. He can’t act and it doesn’t matter. There is no escape from that fact.

This movie was Inception before there was an Inception. It’s all about dreaming versus reality with lots of unnecessary action. Leo might be slightly more nuanced in his performance, but there are definite parallels between the two movies. Inception has a better script, a better story, and better actors… other than then that, they are kinda similar.

This is an action movie with some sci-fi elements thrown in to make Arnie seem more diverse. This is right around the cusp between traditional special effects and CG effects. It’s not as seamless as Terminator 2, but it’s a step in the right direction. Only a few effects are so bad that the draw your attention from the story, a rarity in those days.

They way that the movie ends, you aren’t sure is Quaid was experiencing everything or dreaming everything. It really doesn’t matter. You don’t know and you don’t care. There’s enough evidence to point to either outcome and there is no right answer.

There are some great moments in this flick. There are some iconic moments in this flick. It is just a mediocre action movie that is not Verhoeven’s best nor Schwarzenegger’s best. It’s not bad, it just is. And what it is what it is. There’s no reason for a Colin Farrell remake.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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June 18, 2012 · 11:29 am

Thinking You Are Home Alone When You Aren’t

If you live with other people, you are generally aware if you are home alone or not. When other people are there, you act normally. When you think you are home alone you are more likely to use the bathroom with the door open, or sing a Katy Perry song with passionate off-key wails, or have a full on conversation out loud with yourself. And then you see your roommate staring at you with disbelief. The only thing you can do is play it off like you knew he was there the whole time and keep on singing.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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June 17, 2012 · 8:30 am

Daredevil: The Man Without Fear (comic)

If your only experience of Daredevil was that terrible Ben Affleck flick, I feel sorry for you. That movie did no justice to one of the best superheroes in the Marvel Universe. Frank Miller didn’t invent Daredevil, but he reinvented him and made him a badass. This graphic novel collects issued #1-5 of Daredevil: The Man Without Fear. It is an origin story, and it’s a great way to introduce yourself to the sightless world of the Daredevil.

Matt Murdock is a blind lawyer by day and a vigilante known as Daredevil by night. The story starts with a young Matt Murdock growing up in Hell’s Kitchen in New York City. He lives alone with his dad, a washed up boxer Jack “The Devil” Murdock. Jack’s glory days are well behind him and he is forced to do enforcement work for a local gangster. Jack’s biggest fear is that Matt will grow up and become a lowlife like him. He pushes Matt to stay out of trouble, to obey the rules, and to be a success.

One day Matt pushes an old blind guy out of the way of a truck, some toxic sludge gets on his face, and Matt loses his sight. Although he loses his eyesight, his other senses grow and he can use his heightened senses to get a sense of the world around him. He can feel the air and echolocate, and he gets heightened physical abilities like a ninja gymnast. He meets a mysterious mentor named Stick who teaches him to harness his abilities.

Jack’s dad pisses off the wrong people and ends up dead. Matt seeks his father’s murderers and wipes them out one by one. Stick catches wind of this and decides that he can’t teach him anymore and stops their nighttime lessons.

Matt Murdock grows up and goes to law school, where he meets his best friend Foggy Nelson. Matt also meets Elektra, a wealthy girl who also likes to run around under the cover of darkness. She is wild, untamable, and he loves her instantly. They have a brief but passionate love affair, but she breaks it off and moves away.

Matt graduates and becomes a lawyer and finds himself back in Hell’s Kitchen as an adult. A new criminal named the Kingpin has risen to power and crime is on a meteoric increase. Matt meets a young girl named Mickey and she’s having a hard time and Matt takes her under his wing and starts training her. She gets kidnapped by some lowlifes with ties to the Kingpin and in the process of saving her, the Kingpin becomes aware of the new threat to his criminal empire and they become enemies.

Frank Miller takes a ridiculous concept like a blind superhero in New York and makes it genuine. Like Batman: Year One, Miller takes an already established character and goes back into his their history to find out who they are and how they came to be. Dressing up in a costume and risking your life to fight crime doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years and years and a lot of fucked up events to twist your psyche into that level of delusion, and that’s what this story is all about.

Don’t let a bad Ben Affleck movie keep you from exploring the source material. They made Daredevil into a movie for a reason. He is an interesting character with cooler powers than you might think. Check out The Man Without Fear for yourself and agree with me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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June 17, 2012 · 8:23 am

Out of Toilet Paper

Shit happens. You have to eat food every now and then to keep on living, and one byproduct of eating is having to poop. It happens to the best of us: Jesus, Suzanne Somers, and my cousin Brett have all been known to take a shit. We all do it. And there are few things as bad as realizing that you’re out of toilet paper mid-shit. And it’s always mid-shit too. There is some law of the universe that keeps you from noticing that the roll is empty before you start squatting. You only have a few options for dealing with this situation and none of them will get you laid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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June 16, 2012 · 9:03 am

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (film)

Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy continues with The Two Towers. All the key cast members of the original come back with a few new additions. The trilogy was shot back to back to back, so there is a definite sense of continuity.

The movie starts with a reprisal of Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) fighting the Balrog and follows his descent into the earth before transitioning into our main story. Frodo and Samwise Gamgee (Elijah Wood and Sean Astin) are continuing their trek into Mount Doom, while Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli (Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys-Davies) are searching for the kidnapped Merry and Pippen (Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd).

Frodo and Sam are trekking along but they soon encounter Gollum (Andy Serkis), a creature who will do anything to be with the Ring. Frodo makes him swear an oath to take him in to Mordor to the Ring. Merry and Pippen have been kidnapped by a gang of Uruk-hai who were slaughtered by the Riders of Rohan. Merry and Pippen manage to escape into the Fangorn forest and they meet an Ent named Treebeard.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are hot on the trail of the Uruk-hai who captured the hobbits. They run into Gandalf, who has been reborn into Gandalf the White following his epic battle with the Balrog. Now that Gandalf is back, he is able to free King Theodan of Rohan from a curse case by Saruman (Christopher Lee). Theodan is revived just in time to fight in an enormously one-sided battle that he is totally unprepared for.

Frodo and Sam are making decent progress with their trusty tour guide Gollum. But then Faramir (David Wenham), the younger brother of deceased Fellowship member Boromir, captures Frodo and Sam and decides to take the Ring back to Gondor.

Aragorn and Elven and Dwarven companions join King Theodan and the rest of the remaining Rohan warriors even though they face impossible odds. A few Elves show up to help the men against the orcs, but they don’t do much to prevent the inevitable onslaught of goblins. Just when all seems lost, Gandalf shows up with reinforcements.

Merry and Pippen have been chilling with the slow acting Ents and don’t make much headway. When all seems lost, they trick the elves into walking by Saruman’s pad and they see the destruction that he’s caused on the forest. They join the war and tear shit up and defeat Saruman.

Faramir has taken Frodo and Sam way out of the way and realizes that it’s not conducive to the plot and releases them. They continue their weary trek to destroy the one ring.

There is a lot going on and a lot of it strays from the novel. This is when Peter Jackson starts to take events from the second and third installments and use them interchangeably. Helm’s Deep is a major event in the movie and it’s just a plot point in the book. Frodo and Sam getting kidnapped by Faramir is tacked on for drama and to move key plot elements into the third movie.

The best part about the second movie is the addition of Andy Serkis as Smeagol/Gollum. He might have been CG, but he is a crucial supporting cast member. He could have been Jar Jar Binks, but he became a cinematic icon. Little kids are still spitting out their Smeagol screeches and Gollum growls.

This is a satisfying sequel. It sets things up perfectly for the final chapter. Because all the movies were filmed back to back, this has a definite transitional feel to it. This is a great movie and it made it cool to geek out.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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June 16, 2012 · 8:55 am

Being More Sober Than Your Designated Driver

People like to drink. People like to pretend that they are responsible. Sometimes they will designate a designated driver, sometimes someone will volunteer to be the designated driver.  It is hard to be in a public situation with tons of drunk people and refrain from having a few drinks. It’s understandable if the designated driver has a few, so long as they don’t get too drunk. But sometimes they do. Sometimes you end up being more sober than you designated driver. All you can do is suck it up and buckle your seatbelt and be glad you’re not in the driver’s seat. If he crashes, it’s his fault, I just wanted a ride.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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June 15, 2012 · 9:34 am

Bruce Almighty

Tom Shadyac (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Liar Liar) directs this religious comedy about a guy who criticizes God and gets all His powers for a week to see if he can do a better job. Jim Carrey is Bruce Nolan, a TV reporter who thinks he is better than he is. He doesn’t get a promotion and he has a hissy fit and he ends up with godlike powers that he uses for selfish reasons before learning not to be selfish and losing his godlike powers. People in Hollywood do a lot of drugs.

Bruce Nolan is a reporter who hopes to be an anchorman, but nobody takes him seriously because he does human-interest stories and flails about like Jim Carrey. He lives with his girlfriend Grace (Jennifer Aniston) and has a pretty decent life but he doesn’t seem to realize it and he complains all the time. His co-worker Evan (Steve Carell) gets promoted to anchorman and Bruce has a little breakdown and challenges God.

God arranges a meeting between the two of them, and Bruce meets God face to face. God looks a lot like Morgan Freeman. God gives Bruce his powers for one week. The only rules are that he can’t tell anyone that he’s God and he can’t interfere with free will.

Bruce uses his powers to get revenge on people who wronged him, to get laid, to get promoted, to get famous… he pretty much abuses his powers in every way possible. He becomes aware that he can hear people praying and asking for help. He starts to help them out but then he decides it’s easier to just say yes to their prayers rather than paying attention to what they are wishing.

Bruce’s actions have consequences. And he’s God, so his actions have really big consequences. Bad things start to happen, both in Bruce’s personal life and with the rest of the world. Grace leaves Bruce and Bruce tries to get her back, but he can’t interfere with free will, so his attempts to get her back don’t work.

Bruce eventually realizes that being God is kind of hard and maybe he shouldn’t be so critical. And wouldn’t you know it, but he gets a second chance with Grace. So you can do everything wrong and fuck up the world and still get a second chance at happiness because you deserve it, damn it.

This movie is funny and it made a lot of money, but it’s not one of Jim Carrey’s better movies. Religious comedies are a weird genre of cinema, but Life of Brian is the best one. Bruce Almighty is too family friendly to be funny.

They made a shitty sequel with Steve Carell’s character called Evan Almighty. I’m surprised they haven’t made a shittier sequel with Morgan Freeman’s character called God Almighty.

This movie has some good scenes, but Bruce isn’t a likeable main character. Grace should have left him. He is an asshole. He becomes totally powerful and uses that power to instinctively help himself. He is a selfish motherfucker and Evan deserved the raise over Bruce from the start.

If an ordinary guy became God, no doubt crazy shit would happen. And some weird stuff does happen in this movie, but they could have done a lot more. There are infinite ideas to explore and it seems like they were holding themselves back to be more of a kid’s movie. Tom Shadyac used to make movies where Jim Carrey talked out of his butthole… they definitely lost some edge.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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June 15, 2012 · 9:29 am

Getting Sunburned On Your Face

Summer is here and so is going outside for long periods as you drink on the beach, or drink at the baseball game, or drink at the park. And when you go outside for long periods of time and neglect the sunscreen, you are going to get burned. Getting sunburned is bad enough, but nothing sucks like getting sunburned on your face. First off, it might hurt a little bit. And then it starts to get leathery and slightly cracked and you look like an old grandma from Florida. The worst part is when it finally starts to peel. I’m not a fan of facial dandruff, it’s not fun.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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June 14, 2012 · 9:45 am

Swamp Thing: The Curse (Book 3)

Alan Moore is a remarkable storyteller and Swamp Thing contains some of his best work. This volume collects issues #35-42 of Saga of the Swamp Thing. The Swamp Thing meets a new ally named John Constantine, and he deals with a few new things that go bump in the night. The Swamp Thing is a horror comic, and this is a great showcase of what horror comics can be.

The first story is about a crazy guy named Nukeface. He’s addicted to a toxic sludge that a shady business is discreetly disposing of. He tries to share some of his delicious poison with the Swamp Thing and it ends up disintegrating him. But the Swamp Thing learns a new trick, his consciousness is not a part of his physical form and he can essentially recreate a new body for himself. He learns that he is capable of leaving his body in one place and re-growing a new one in another place.

The mysterious John Constantine shows up. He offers the Swamp Thing knowledge about what he is and what he is capable, in exchange for the Swamp Thing going around and stopping evil from spreading across America. Constantine sends the Swamp Thing to Rosewood, Illinois. A few years ago, something evil came to the town and they flooded it in order to destroy the evil. Now the town of Rosewood lies underwater, but the evil managed to thrive. This short story has one of the best interpretations of vampires that I’ve ever come across in literature. Moore twists vampire lore to make them unique creations. Vampires die because of oxygen and sunlight. It makes sense that they would thrive underwater. Driving a stake through its heart kills it because it causes oxygen to enter the heart directly.

The Swamp Thing is able to defeat the underwater vampires, and Constantine sends him on his next mission. The Swamp Thing must deal with The Curse. A lady named Phoebe is having her period and is pissed off and angry at her husband. Throughout the day, she is feeling more and more rage, and more and more detached until she reaches the breaking point and is transformed into a werewolf. This is a cool variation on the werewolf legends… werewolves transform once a month and you can argue that women do the same. This isn’t a sexist story, you have to read between the lines.

The last story in this volume is about a TV show about life of a plantation in the South. A new show is being filmed in the Swamp Thing’s hometown. There are a few celebrities in town and a bunch of the townspeople are hired on extras to portray the plantation’s slaves. Before too long, the actors are having trouble staying in character and it appears that the plantation’s tragic past is being relived through the people involved with the show. The past catches up with the present, and the dead start to rise to seek justice.

Saga of the Swamp Thing is a horror comic. The world is going to hell, and the Swamp Thing is one of the few things that can save it. I’ve seen vampires and werewolves and zombies a thousand times before. But I’ve never seen them depicted like this. They are unique and still recognizable. Alan Moore creates a world where the impossible can happen at any moment, and if it does, you’ll be glad if a walking/talking plant is willing to save you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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June 14, 2012 · 9:36 am

Playing Phone Tag

You realize it’s been about two or three weeks since you last called your mom, and that nagging little voice in the back of you head tells you get call her. You give her a ring, she doesn’t answer, and you leave a message telling her to call you back. A few minutes later you realize that you have a new voice message. It seems that when you were leaving that voice message, she had called you back and left you a message of her own. So you call her back and she still doesn’t answer. A few moments later and you have another missed call. Playing phone tag sucks, but apparently I’m really good at it.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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