Tag Archives: alcohol

July 28, 2013 · 8:06 am

Ordering a Frozen Drink and Complaining That You Can’t Taste the Alcohol

One of the biggest pet peeves for anybody in the service industry is when somebody orders a frozen drink and then complains that they can’t taste the alcohol. No shit you can’t taste it, you just ordered a fucking frozen drink. The colder the drink, the less you can taste the alcohol. Blending booze and ice and sweet mixers is going to make your cocktail taste like a smoothie. It’s a waste of liquor. That’s why most places serve margaritas on the rocks as opposed to blended. There’s no point in getting a savory tequila if you’re not going to savor it. You want to be able to taste the liquor. Sometimes it’s really hot and you feel like a piña colada or strawberry daiquiri. That’s totally acceptable; just don’t complain to the bartender if you think it’s a virgin drink. It’s not. So shut up about it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2013 · 9:42 am

Planning to Get Drunk

            One of the biggest signs that you might have a drinking problem is when you start planning to get drunk. You’ll tell yourself that you’re not an alcoholic; you just want to be prepared. You know that you’re going to want to drink all day and into the night and so you plan accordingly. So you’ll eat a big lunch. You’ll buy some food and snacks for later. You’ll buy an excessive amount of alcohol plus another twelve-pack just to play it safe. The last thing that you want is to run out of booze. You make sure that you have nothing to do and nowhere to go. You’re going to binge drink and there’s nothing that can stop you. Part of you feels guilty; the other part doesn’t give a fuck. Whatever, you won’t care after a few drinks anyway. It’s better to plan on getting drunk than drinking and driving, right?

            Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 11, 2013 · 9:17 am

Neglected Drinks

If you’re a bartender or if you’ve ever hosted a party, you know all about neglected drinks. Neglected drinks are beers or cocktails that have been abandoned, either accidently or intentionally. Some are just a few swigs away from being finished, some of them have a few sips taken out of them, and some of them haven’t even been touched at all (which is the biggest crime of all). Alcohol is precious. It takes a lot of time to brew a beer or distill a spirit. So don’t waste it. If you don’t like it, give it to your drunk friend who will drink anything. You don’t need to set it down somewhere and pretend to forget about it. And if you’re already wasted, practice some self-control and stop ordering drinks if you can’t handle any more liquor. Neglected drinks need to stop. There are sober kids in China.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:40 am

Birthday Beer

It’s your friend’s birthday and you want to get him something but you don’t want to go overboard. I recommend buying him a birthday beer. You can pick up a 6-pack of something nice, a 12-pack of something decent, or buy a round at the bar. All options are acceptable. Birthday beer is a perfectly valid present for anyone that is 21 or older. 18 if you’re European. Everyone wants to get drunk and nobody wants to pay for it. I’m sure you friend will appreciate the gesture. Don’t buy beer for anyone that you want to sleep with. That’s what wine and hard alcohol are for.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 20, 2012 · 9:54 am

Happy Hour

Happy Hour is that magical time of the day when bars give away drinks at a discounted price. I really don’t know why it’s called Happy Hour. It’s usually two-three hours long, alcohol is a depressant, and depression isn’t a happy thing. Happy Hour is just an excuse to get drunk in public. You can always waste money at a bar but it’s somehow justified if it’s a dollar off well drinks and the sun is still shining. It’s better, cheaper, and more logical to grab a twelve pack and drink yourself into a stupor at home. At least then you can control the TV or radio station.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2012 · 9:23 am

Watching the Game at the Bar

All across America and around the world people pack themselves into bars and pubs to watch their teams compete. Watching the game at the bar is more social, but it’s also more expensive than watching at home. It’s cool that you get to cheer and celebrate with other fans and you can discuss strategy and how bad the officials are. But you have to buy beer and food and you have to tip and that adds up. You have to deal with shit talkers and fair-weather fans who don’t know when to cheer. And there’s always a line for the bathroom. Watching the game at the bar is a ritual for some people and they like it. Some people don’t have any other place to watch it other than the bar so they have to suck it up and deal with it. No matter which camp you’re in, at least everyone in the bar can agree that watching sports and alcohol go hand in hand.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2012 · 10:09 am

Grabbing the Wrong Drink

You’re at a party and having a good time. You set your plastic keg cup down for a second and when you go to pick it back up you notice three other identical cups in the vicinity. You can’t remember which one is yours, so you grab the fullest cup and start drinking. A few sips in you realize that it isn’t yours. Fuck it, alcohol kills germs anyway. Grabbing the wrong drink isn’t the biggest mistake you can make.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 20, 2012 · 9:35 am

Peer Pressure

Back in the day, peer pressure was what got you to start drinking. Then you get a little bit older, and peer pressure is what keeps you drinking. You will be tired and beat from working earlier that day, but you’ll decide to go out a few drinks with a group. You don’t want to be the one who ducks out early or doesn’t keep up with everyone else. Each time you pay for a round and see your wad of cash disappearing, you want to be responsible and run away. But then someone will offer to buy you another round or chastise you for being a baby. So you stay, even though your liver and your brain are telling you to get the fuck out of there. Peer pressure is letting your drunk friend talk you into being as drunk as he is. Everyone is doing it, so you might as well too. Cheers.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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June 25, 2012 · 11:10 am

Poo Sap

Poo sap is that last little bit of beer in the bottom of a cup or bottle. It is usually warm and is mostly made of backwash. It tastes nasty but the beer isn’t done until you drink it, so man up and swallow that shit. It is a crime to waste precious alcohol. Other places have other names for that little bit of beer, but poo sap should be standardized for consistency’s sake. Drinking poo sap from other people’s bottles is like smoking people’s used cigarette butts. It’s gross but happens way more than it should.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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