June 9, 2013 · 9:48 am

Your Friend’s Annoying Girlfriend

You’re bored and have the day off, so you start going through your contacts looking for someone to hang out with. You come across the number of a friend that you haven’t seen in a while, and you’re about to call him when you suddenly remember his annoying girlfriend and you realize you’d rather stay home on a Saturday night than deal with her bitch ass. Everybody has a good friend that they don’t ever want to hang out with because of his lame girlfriend who can’t keep her mouth shut. She will constantly start bullshit arguments with you, and she expects her boyfriend to take her side (and he does, because pussy does that to you). She always has to interject and voice her opinion about something she doesn’t know anything about. You just want to grab a brew, watch the game, and catch up, but she’s intent on destroying your friendship for some twisted reason that’s known only to her. Most of your friends have cool girlfriends, but there’s always one Super Cunt who has a life ambition to prevent people from having fun. You wonder what your friend sees in her. Then you notice her rack. That’s why.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2013 · 8:17 am

Harry Potter Books Ranked in Descending Order

Harry Potter is awesome, but some of the books are better than others. Here is my Critically Rated Harry Potter countdown.

#7: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This is the second book and it’s a little bit darker than the first one, but it’s still a kid’s book at this point. Voldemort is in it, but it’s just a teenaged version of him that was trapped in a diary. He’s not that formidable, and he hasn’t returned to power yet. It might not deserve to be the worst one, but I’ve got to start somewhere.

            #6: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone. This is the book that started it all. First time readers might be amazed by how innocent Harry Potter is. He doesn’t know anything about being a wizard and he gets introduced to a magical world and we get to explore it with him. It sets everything up, it introduces a lot of the main characters in the HP universe. It transcends being a mere kid’s book, but it’s still a kid’s book.

#5: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This is a dark story, but it’s still a kid’s book. You start to see the potential of Harry Potter. You have the Dementors and the main introduction of Sirius Black. Voldemort is not the main threat, and they have a ridiculous time traveling subplot that takes away from the overall quality of the third installment.

#4: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The sixth book is just a set-up for the seventh book, and it’s pretty apparent upon reading it. Nothing much happens, except for a lot of backstory about Voldemort and the fact that Dumbledore dies. It seems like a step back in the series and it is.

            #3: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This is the book where you learn how vast and expansive the Wizarding World is. You catch a glimpse of the Quidditch World Cup, you get to meet students from other wizard schools, and you start to see how Harry is different from his peers. Plus Voldemort returns to power and the series shifts into a darker gear.

#2: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. This is the fifth book and the longest one of the series. J.K. Rowling goes into great depth and Harry accomplishes a lot in this book. He steps up, he’s actively trying to defeat Voldemort. He’s pretty much accepted his fate at this point. He realizes that he’s done more than most, and he starts to pass off what he’s learned to his fellow students. He becomes a force to be reckoned with, as evidenced by the battle at the Ministry of Magic. The book is highlighted by the epic battle between Dumbledore and Voldemort.

            #1: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This is the final installment of the HP series and a beyond-satisfying conclusion to the saga. It goes back to the beginning and reminds you about everything you love about Harry Potter. It answers all the questions and wraps everything up in a pretty little package. The last book provides the most answers, and when you finish reading it, you don’t regret anything about sacrificing a good portion of your life following the exploits of a fictional character.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2013 · 8:12 am

The Eleventh Hour

The eleventh hour is an expression referring to the last possible minute to do something. The eleventh hour is your last chance to accomplish something before the day is over and your time is up. Some people look at it as a deadline or as an obstruction. It’s really a challenge, a motivation to get the job done. Nobody wants to fail. And when the clock is ticking, some people falter and others rise to the occasion. I prefer the latter. This post was written in the eleventh hour. I didn’t know what else to write about, so I chose an obscure phrase to describe my predicament. But it worked and now I can rest easy knowing that I wrote another blog that nobody will ever read.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2013 · 10:02 am

Superman: Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? (comic)

Superman is the most important comic book character of all time. He basically launched the comics industry and became a global phenomenon. He transcends the page; he’s an icon, a symbol. But how does his story end? Well, we got to find out back in 1986 when DC decided to simplify things and get rid of the multiverse and reboot their history. They brought in Alan Moore to write Superman’s final adventure of the Silver Age and bring his story to a close. Moore uses a framing device with a reporter interviewing an older Lois Lane about the last time she saw Superman, who has been missing for ten years and assumed dead. The story flashes back to Superman’s final days. Most of his major foes have been defeated and are out of the picture. But then they start coming back, and they are more twisted than ever before. They discover his secret identity and start attacking the people that Clark cares about most, some of them even die. Superman must find a way to save the day, and he does (cause he’s fucking Superman) but he pays the ultimate price.

            Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? is one of the most important comics in Superman’s long history. It’s a good read for casual fans and it’s essential reading for comic nerds. There’s a trade paperback that contains both Superman #423 and Action Comics #583, and as a bonus they throw in two more standalone stories. The Jungle Line is about Superman suffering from a strange Kryptonian flu and getting saved by the Swamp Thing. And there’s another one called For the Man Who Has Everything, which is Superman’s “what if” story showing what his life on Krypton would have been like if it never blew up.

            So if you ever wondered how the saga of Superman would end, this is the story for you. It has This is Alan Moore at the top of his game working on a Superman story to end all Superman stories. It has great artwork too. Curt Swan’s sketches are brought to life by inkers George Pérez and Kurt Schaffenberger. My biggest complaint is that it’s too short. You start reading and it and BAM! It’s over and you were just getting into it. You don’t want it to end, and then it’s over before you know it. But it sticks with you. It’s a great way to say good-bye to Superman. Even though he never really went away… you know there’s a new Superman movie coming out?

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2013 · 9:59 am

Bloggers Who Don’t Know How to Write

We use words to communicate and that’s a powerful thing. In the old days you would write a letter to a friend, or you might jot things down in a journal. These days everybody just spews out the words in their heads onto the internet. Some people do it on Facebook, some people do it on Twitter, and some people create a blog. There is an ever-increasing number of bloggers who don’t know how to write. If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re, or if you don’t care, then you have no business blogging. A writer has a responsibility to know which words he is using and if they’re the right ones. I’m a blogger myself, and I blog more than most people. I know that that people make mistakes, accidents happen and everyone makes typos. But consistency is key, and if you’re constantly using the wrong words or misusing apostrophes, you need to stop what you’re doing, go back to second grade, find Mrs. Humphries, and ask her where you went wrong in life. How can you justify sharing your thoughts if you can’t even translate them correctly? I know it’s casual, but you still look stupid.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2013 · 9:52 am

Hubert’s Lemonade – Blackberry Lemonade

I’ve ever heard of Hubert or his lemonade until today, when I found it on display at the local corner store. It’s been around since 1935. I feel out of the loop. Better late than never, I guess. I see a lot of lemonades and strawberry lemonades and raspberry lemonades, but I never saw blackberry lemonade before so I had to try it. It’s sour and sweet, and slightly more bitter and acidic than raspberry lemonade. I like it. Hubert’s actually uses cane sugar as opposed to high-fructose corn syrup. You can taste the difference between this and Minute Maid. Minute Maid is crap. Hubert’s Lemonade tastes like something Grandma would make. Your grandma is hot, by the way. Look for the winking lemon smiley face the next time you go to the store.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2013 · 9:49 am

Forgetting About Your Laundry

You finally have a day off and a chance to wash that heap of dirty clothes in the corner of your room. You separate the colors and collect all the stray socks scattered around your room and throw it all in the washing machine. You’re not going to sit by the washer for thirty minutes, so you start doing a bunch of random things to kill time. You’ll tidy up around the house, you’ll watch TV, and surf the net. Then you’ll glance at the time and suddenly remember your laundry in a panic. It’s not a big deal if you have your own washer and dryer, but if you’re a schlub like me, you have to book it up to the Laundromat before someone throws your shit on the ground. Luckily, most of the time I realize that I forgot about it within a few minutes. But I know people who left their clothes at the Laundromat overnight. And then they had to buy a whole new wardrobe because all their clothes mysteriously vanished. That’s why you shouldn’t make a habit of forgetting about your laundry.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 5, 2013 · 10:00 am

“American Girl” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“American Girl” is one of the best songs of all time. That’s not even a debate. It’s a fact. It’s one of the best songs of all time. The more I repeat it, the more it’s true. It’s quintessential Tom Petty. It sums up his music and entire career in less than four minutes. It had a driving tempo, a signature guitar rift, and poetic lyrics that anybody can relate to. The lyrics can be complex: “God, it’s so painful when something that’s so close/Is still so far out of reach.” But they are also mind-numbingly simple and cliché: “Oh yeah/Alright.” The song basically represents Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. It came off their debut album, it never made the charts in the US, but it still became part of the soundtrack of our lives, whether you know it or not. It’s one of the most covered songs and a staple of garage bands around the world. It’s fun to play, it’s fun to sing, and it’s fun to listen to. It’s timeless. You can’t get sick of it. However, you can get sick from cunnilingus, just ask Michael Douglas.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 5, 2013 · 9:57 am

Speakeasy Double Daddy Imperial IPA

San Francisco has a few amazing microbreweries and Speakeasy is one of them. They have a Prohibition/old-timey gangster theme that is evident in their naming of products and in the artwork on the labels. Double Daddy Imperial IPA continues the trend and has a backroom poker theme, proclaiming that it’s doubling down on the malt and hops with its no-limit style. It’s kind of a sequel to their Big Daddy IPA, only with more hops and more malt, and it’s also Imperial now. It has a malty scent with a caramel and pine aroma. You can really taste the malt when it first hits your tongue, but it’s balanced out by grapefruit and pine hops. It’s smooth and sweet and bold with flavor. The nice 8.5% alcohol content will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. It’s beers like this that make me wonder why people still drink Bud Light.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2013 · 10:36 am

Vine (app, not the plant)

I finally caved and downloaded Vine for my iPhone the other day. Vine is an app for creating and sharing short videos. Each video is a maximum of thirty seconds long and it plays on a continuous loop. Less is more, and a lot of amazing stories can be told in 6 seconds or less. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a filmmaker or an artist; you still have a unique way of looking at the world and Vine is a great way to express yourself. You can do stop motion animation, you can do a few quick cuts, or you can do a long take… The possibilities are endless. You can do a million different things with six seconds. You can make someone laugh or you can change the world. So be creative. Use your imagination. And inspire other people to do the same.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2013 · 10:32 am

Daredevil: Born Again (comic)

Daredevil is an implausible comic book character. It’s has a ludicrous premise: a blind lawyer who uses his heightened senses to fight crime. But when put in the hands of a creative genius like Frank Miller, Daredevil becomes an icon like Batman or Spider-man. Frank Miller’s writing and Dave Mazzucchelli’s artwork are the perfect combination to depict one of the darkest stories in Marvel’s history.

            Daredevil’s ex-girlfriend is a heroin addict and sells his secret identity for a fix. Ultimately the information ends up in the hands of Daredevil’s arch nemisis, the Kingpin. The Kingpin lays out a plan to break Daredevil by destroying Matt Murdock’s life. Matt loses his apartment, the IRS freezes his bank accounts, he gets framed for perjury, he loses his girlfriend to his best friend, and he loses his good name. His life is crumbling around him and he breaks down mentally and physically. Superheroes are supposed to be invincible, so it’s fascinating to see them struggle.

            Born Again is a great comic, and Daredevil is a great comic book character. He belongs on the page, not on the big screen. Forget about Ben Affleck and read some off Frank Miller’s Daredevil comics. You can’t recreate his inner turmoil on film. It doesn’t translate.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2013 · 10:11 am

Not Getting the Joke Right Away

You’re hanging out with your friends, talking shit and cracking jokes at each other’s expense, and somebody says something that makes everyone else laugh. You don’t know why they are laughing, but you don’t want to seem out of place, so you’ll laugh along and laugh harder than anyone else. You’ll think about what they said and the context in which they said it, but your mind draws a blank as to why it’s funny. It’s always funny to see somebody finally get the joke, their eyes light up as it suddenly dawns on them and they let out a cackle. It might take a few minutes, it might take a few days, but it will click when you least expect it. You never want to admit that you don’t get a joke, and you especially don’t want to get called out for it. It’s better to be ignorant than embarrassed.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2013 · 10:08 am

Farmer’s Market

A farmer’s market is a community event where farmers sell their fruits and veggies directly to the consumer. They take over a few city streets, they set up some tents and booths, and you get to casually stroll it all, enjoying the sunshine and fresh produce. There are usually a few food tents selling barbeque and kettle corn, there are always a few merchants selling tacky jewelry and ugly artwork, and the inevitable mediocre band playing country versions of old rock songs. There is usually a designated day of the week for the farmer’s market, it’s not open all the time. That’s part of the appeal. It’s not something that you get to experience every day. A peach that you get from the grocery store is boring, but a peach that you get from the famer’s market will be the best thing you’ve ever tasted. It will make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 2, 2013 · 11:06 pm

This Dog Doesn’t Give a Fuck

This dog doesn’t give a fuck about anything. He just sits in the middle of the road, casually glancing around at the speeding, honking cars that zoom past him. Nobody helps him, but nobody hits him. I wonder what happened to the dog after the video stopped rolling. He’s like the canine equivalent of the Tank Man of Tiananmen Square.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b09_1370166701

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June 2, 2013 · 10:43 am

The First Party of Summer

Summer’s here and it started last night with the first party of the season. It was the first day of June, it was a Saturday, it was meant to be. Now it’s summer, now it’s official. I’m not even in school, I haven’t been for a few years now, but something about summer makes me feel free. It doesn’t matter that I still work 5-6 days a week, it’s still fucking summer. Summer is the season of slacking off, of living life, and of having fun. And there’s nothing quite like that first party of the summer. Beer, barbeque, a bonfire, maybe a blunt or two… the laughter flows like wine, the wine flows like water, and the beers are never ending. The first party of the summer is usually one of the most memorable. As the season drags on, the parties become more mundane and more routine. But everything is fresh and new and exciting the first night. The whole goal of the night is to wake up with a hangover. I succeeded.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 2, 2013 · 10:41 am

Kick the Can

Kick the Can is a children’s game that is similar to Hide & Seek, only more extreme. The best time to play is at night and when you are twelve years old. You gather all the kids in the neighborhood as soon as it gets dark and someone is selected to be It. Everyone else hides, and whoever is It has to start looking for everyone else. Whenever It finds somebody, he has to say the person’s name and hiding place, “I see Casey behind the tree.” If it’s Casey hiding behind the tree, then Casey is in jail until someone kicks the can and frees him. But let’s say it wasn’t Casey, it was Steve hiding behind the tree… then Steve can still hide behind the tree until It calls him by his real name. If you are stuck in jail, you can only be freed if someone kicks the can before whoever is It says, “I see So and So running for the can!” Kick the Can is one of the great games of my childhood. Too bad kids today don’t go outside unless the internet is down. They are missing out.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 1, 2013 · 9:53 am

Spontaneous

You can never plan on having a good time, it just has to happen. Sure, you can plan a vacation to Disneyland or save money for a week in Paris, but those trips will never be as fun as a spur-of-the-moment weekend camping trip. Whenever you plan an event or party you stress out over the invitations, the entertainment, the food, the drinks… there’s a lot of time and effort involved in making the event a success, but something always goes wrong. You expect the things that you plan to be perfect and they never will be. That’s why your birthday usually sucks. That’s why New Year’s Eve usually sucks.  But you live in the moment when you don’t plan things out. You enjoy life more when you just go with the flow and roll with it. There are times when you go out for a drink and it turns into something special. A quick decision to take the bus instead of driving can change your whole life. The funniest things you say come from the top of your head; a gem of joke will pop out of your mouth that is funnier than anything you’ve ever heard. It’s fun not knowing what you will do or say next. It’s good to have a life plan, but I like living day to day, moment to moment. Spontaneity is a blessing. Embrace it. Just don’t spontaneously combust.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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