Using Toilet Paper as Kleenex

I’ve been sick the past few days and I’ve been lazy my whole life and so I’ve been using toilet paper as Kleenex to wipe my nose. We don’t have any Kleenex in my house, but we do have an ample supply of toilet paper. So I use that. It’s a waste of time and money to buy a different type of disposable tissue that you’re only going to use once to clean up bodily functions and then throw away.  Besides, it’s easier to blow your nose with toilet paper than to wipe your ass with Kleenex. T.P. is more essential and this economy makes you prioritize. Judge me all you want. It’s still better to use toilet paper as Kleenex than using your arm. Yeah, I saw you do that. You’re gross.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Snopes.com

Snopes.com is the site that you go to when you need to prove your friends wrong at the bar. It’s a reference site for rumors and urban legends, and they tell you which stories are true and which ones are bullshit. I use Snopes about once or twice a week to settle an argument. The other day my coworkers were talking about how the government made Kentucky Fried Chicken change its name to KFC because they don’t use real chicken in their products. I told them they were stupid for believing that, and I quickly used Snopes to debunk their theory. They felt dumb, I felt validated, and all was right with the world once more. The Internet isn’t all rumors and lies. There are still some sites out there that tell the truth. Snopes.com is a site that you can trust. Check it out the next time you need to win a bar argument or if you have some spare time to kill. It’s also a great way to verify if Justin Bieber really died in a fiery car crash.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core

Ben & Jerry’s recently released new ice cream flavors that they dubbed Cores. They are called Cores because they have a core of fudge, caramel, or jam. It’s pretty brilliant idea, now you can have a perfect spoonful of ice cream every time. I bought a pint of Hazed & Confused Core as soon as I discovered them at the store. Hazed & Confused is chocolate and hazelnut ice creams with fudge chips and a hazelnut fudge core. The chocolate ice cream is smooth and rich, the hazelnut ice cream is creamy and nutty, the fudge chips add a little bit of crunch and texture, but the hazelnut fudge core steals the show. It’s basically a column of Nutella right smack in the middle of your pint. It’s beyond delicious. It’s indescribable how amazing this ice cream is. You have to try it. Like right now. Stop reading about Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core and go buy a pint for yourself. You shan’t regret it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Walking Dead Season 2

AMC knew it had a smash hit The Walking Dead and the show was quickly picked up and approved for a second season. The second season saw a lot of changes from the first season. Showrunner Frank Darabont was fired and replaced by Glen Mazzara, the number of episodes increased from six to thirteen, and more characters were introduced, including fan favorites like Hershel Greene (played by Scott Wilson) and his sexy and strong daughter Maggie (played by Lauren Cohan). Season 2 is about Rick Grimes (played by Andrew Lincoln) and his fellow band of survivors finding refuge from the zombie apocalypse on a secluded farm while they try to find the missing Sophia.

As much as I love The Walking Dead, I have to admit that the second season is hard to get through. It’s fucking boring. And a show about the zombie apocalypse should never be boring. The problem was that the story got stuck in one place and focused on a storyline that nobody really cared about. An episode about looking for a lost member of the group makes for great television, but dedicating an entire season to searching for a minor character seems like overkill (and it is). Season 2 is stagnant. There are a lot of cool and shocking moments, but nothing really happens. A few people die, a few zombies pop up, but the show definitely entered a sophomore slump.

Luckily the sloppy writing and slow pace wasn’t enough to end the series, and the audience stuck with it and The Walking Dead was able to rise above the drudgery of the second season to remain one of the better shows on television today.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lagunitas Sucks

In 2011 the Lagunitas Brewing Company didn’t have the brewing capacity to make Brown Shugga’ Ale, their popular winter seasonal. So in response they created this beer and owned up to their mistake by naming it Lagunitas Sucks. Its full name is Lagunitas Sucks Brown Shugga’ Substitute Ale. And while it wasn’t Brown Shugga’, it was still a delicious beer in its own right. It was so good that Lagunitas started making it available year-round. They include a funny apology on the label, which explains how the beer came to be, and it adds to the personality of the beer. It’s an American Double/Imperial IPA. It pours a beautiful golden copper with a foamy white head. It smells of hops, citrus, and pine. It tastes great. It’s hoppy, malty, and creamy. I get hints of grapefruit, mango, orange, pine, brown sugar, and toasted bread. It’s very satisfying and very drinkable. It’s 8% alcohol and you can’t even tell. Lagunitas Sucks doesn’t suck.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tour Guide Stick

I work at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco and that means that I see millions of tourists every year. Tourists are easy to spot. They walk slow, they carry cameras and maps, and they typically have a dopey look on their face. We get a lot of tour groups from Japan, and Japanese tour groups are heavily invested in the tour guide stick system. You’ll see a group of fifty Japanese students in matching uniforms following a balding guy holding a stick with a flag or bandana tied to the top of it. The bald guy holds the tour guide stick over his head as he walks down the sidewalk, and the students are able to follow him in the crowd. The tour guide stick helps to shepherd the tourists and keeps them from getting lost or separated. But the tour guide stick is not perfect. The bandana is the most important part of the tour guide stick, but the bandana can fall off. Then the tour guide is left holding a bare broomstick while his confused students start following a biker or a pirate.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lilt (soda)

Lilt is a Pineapple & Grapefruit soda with totally tropical taste. It’s basically a grapefruit soda, but the pineapple smooths and mellows out the grapefruit. It’s not as citrusy as you would imagine it to be. It’s better than a grapefruit soda, but it’s not a good soda. There’s nothing impressive about it, and there’s no incentive for me to ever drink it again. It’s boring. What else can I say about Lilt? It’s manufactured by the Coca-Cola Company, it has no caffeine, and it’s British so it’s hard to find in the States. And that’s a good thing because we don’t need another subpar soda taking up shelf space at the store.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Top Seventeen Superhero Movies

Superhero movies have been a staple at the box office for over a decade now, and it seems like its time to Critically Rate them. To make this list the main character(s) must be a superhero. For the purposes of this list, a superhero is someone who has superpowers OR wears a costume/disguise and they must fight crime/bad guys/or a main villain. The film doesn’t need to be based on a comic to qualify; it just needs to be awesome. Here is my list of the Top Seventeen Superhero Movies of All Time.

17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This 1990 film is one of the oldest movies on the list, but it was a successful start to a cinematic franchise. It has comedic moments but it also takes itself seriously. The Shredder is a genuinely scary villain, the teenaged turtles are full of angst, and the action scenes pass the test.

16. The Incredible Hulk. The 2008 film was a sequel/reboot of the 2003 Hulk, and it was a much more satisfying movie. Edward Norton is always solid, Tim Roth plays a great foe, and the special effects were miles ahead of any other Hulk adaptation at that point.

15. Thor. Thor is not just a superhero, he is a god. The 2011 film brought Thor to the big screen for the first time. Kenneth Branagh directed a Shakespearean-style superhero movie that had two powerful brothers facing off. Chris Hemsworth is a picture perfect Thor, but this film gets more credit for introducing Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston) who has so far proven to be the best villain in any Marvel movie to date.

14. The Amazing Spider-Man is the 2012 reboot starring Andrew Garfield as your friendly neighborhood Spider-man. Sure, this movie was only made so that Sony could hold onto the movie rights to the character, but it was better than the Sam Raimi directed films in almost every way. It had better casting, better special effects, a better story, and better action scenes. People just didn’t want to watch it because Tobey Maguire is still fresh in their minds. Fuck Tobey Maguire. Give Andrew Garfield a chance.

13. Watchmen. This adaptation of the beloved graphic novel is not perfect by any means, but it deserves a spot on this list. It was thought to be unfilmable but Zack Snyder managed to capture the general essence of it. The most frustrating thing is that he got so many things right, but he still felt compelled to change the storyline. Don’t be fooled by the theatrical release, the director’s cut is better and the ultimate cut is even better than that.

12. Kick-Ass was a good superhero because it was a wry commentary on superhero movies. It made fun of superheroes while celebrating them at the same time. It was hysterically funny and extremely violent. That’s a good formula for entertainment.

11. X-Men was the first film of the X-Men franchise, and its success at the box office paved the way for all the superhero movies to follow. It’s not a faithful adaptation, but it’s an honest one. And the world got to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine for the first time.

10. Batman Returns is another film that took a lot of liberties with the source material, but that doesn’t stop it from being one of the best Batman movies. Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, Christopher Walken, an army of penguins, and Pee-wee Herman? What more do you need?

9. Iron Man is a great movie because it was so unexpectedly enjoyable. Iron Man is a famous comic book character, but he doesn’t have the prestige that Batman, Spider-man, and Superman enjoy. Robert Downey, Jr. was a bit of a gamble, director Jon Favreau was a bit of a gamble, but everything clicked and fell into place and the seeds for The Avengers movie were planted.

8. Man of Steel. This was the Superman movie that I was waiting for. I honestly enjoyed Superman Returns, but even I have to admit that it was a boring movie. Man of Steel was not boring. And it might not have been Richard Donner and Christopher Reeve’s version of Superman, but it was still Superman. Even if you hated this movie, you still have to admit that the action scenes are more than exhilarating.

7. X2: X-Men United is a superior movie to the original in every single way. It has more mutants, more powers, more action, and a better story. The opening scene with Nightcrawler is reason alone to warrant a spot on this list. It made you think that the X-Men franchise was going to be one of the best series of all time. And then the third one came out and shattered your belief system. Fuck you Brett Ratner. Fuck you.

6. Superman. This is the oldest film on my list and it’s one of the most important. Richard Donner’s film has been the model for every successful superhero movie to follow is. He set the template for superhero movies. He respected the source material, and more importantly, he respected the audience. Christopher Reeve was Clark Kent. He was Superman. And he will always be the standard.

5. Spider-man 2. Tobey Maguire’s second venture as Spider-man will always be one of my favorite sequels. It’s a fun ride from beginning to end and you hardly have time to catch your breath. There’s humor, there’s despair, there’s action, and there’s romance. It’s everything that you want from a Hollywood blockbuster.

4. The Matrix. Yes, Neo is a superhero. He has powers, he has an alter ego (his real name is Thomas Anderson), he has a costume (black trench coat and sunglasses), and he fights the evil Mr. Smith. He’s a superhero, and he’s a badass, and he’s The One.

3. The Incredibles isn’t based on a comic book, it’s not live action, and it’s still a great superhero movie. You could say it’s the best and you would have a valid argument. It’s about a family of superheroes with really cool superpowers and they face off against an interesting supervillain. It’s funny, it’s heartwarming, and it has some amazing action scenes.

2. The Dark Knight is not only the best Batman movie, it’s the best DC movie. Christian Bale deserves some credit, but everybody knows that Heath Ledger carries the movie. His Joker is perhaps the best villain in any superhero movie. Christopher Nolan crafted a great trilogy, but this is the highlight by far. It’s The Dark Knight Trilogy for a reason, not The Batman Begins Trilogy or The Batman and Bane Trilogy.

1. Marvel’s The Avengers. Was there ever any doubt that this would be the best superhero movie of all time? You have Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, Thor, and (to a lesser extent) Nick Fury Hawkeye, and Black Widow fighting to save the planet. There are tons of characters and powers, plots and subplots, and somehow Joss Whedon manages to weave everything together to create a fun, entertaining, and satisfying blockbuster. The climactic battle is beyond description, a joyous showcase of special effects and sheer spectacle. It’s why you go to the movies. It’s why you justify spending $20 to watch something in IMAX 3-D.

So that’s my list. I hope you like it or at least respect it. If I missed anything that you think deserves to be on here, let me know and I’ll either add it or tell you why you’re wrong.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Binge-Watching

Binge-watching (sometimes called binge-viewing) is when you watch two or more episodes of the same show in one sitting. Watching episodes back to back is the best way to really become immersed in a show. Nobody wants to wait a week between episodes to find out what happens next. This is the MTV generation. We need instant gratification. The binge-watching trend started happening in the early to mid-2000s. TV shows started to become more cinematic. Productions costs went up, shooting in HD became the norm, and they started releasing full seasons of shows on DVD, all while Netflix began to popularize streaming. This was the perfect storm which lead brilliant writers, directors, and actors to realize that TV was the perhaps the best way to tell a story. The stories became longer, more complex, and more compelling for the viewer to keep on watching. And if you have access to a full season, why would you only watch one episode of Breaking Bad at a time if you can watch four episodes? Binge-watching isn’t going away. You sit on your ass for a few hours, watch an entire season of Mad Men, you feel like you accomplished something, and nobody can blame you because they’ve done the same exact thing.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Reptilians (conspiracy theory)

There are a lot of people who believe that shape-shifting aliens control the world. Supposedly the Reptilians are reptile-like humanoids that have infiltrated the top levels of governments and corporations around the world and use their power and influence to wreak havoc. They are responsible for hurricanes and tsunamis and they masterminded 9/11. And you are an idiot if you think that they have any influence on Earth. I’m not trying to be mean, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. You are a fucking idiot if you think that lizard people from space are a global threat. There’s no way that Reptilians rule the planet. The Illuminati keep the Reptilians under control and confined to New Jersey.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Rhizing Bines

Dogfish Head is one of the best breweries on the East Coast. Sierra Nevada is one of the best breweries on the West Coast. Somehow the two breweries got together and gave birth to Rhizing Bines, a delicious and smooth IPA. It pours a golden copper with a nice foamy head. It has a great aroma. I smell citrus hops, caramel, florals, and sweetness. It tastes hoppy at first but quickly becomes smooth, creamy, and malty. It’s very well balanced. It’s hoppy and malty, it’s sweet and bitter. It’s a complex beer, but it passes the test. It has an 8% ABV and the alcohol will creep up on you. It’s not the best beer I’ve had, but it’s probably in my top twenty-five.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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R.I.P. Bushman

San Francisco has lost an icon and a legend. Gregory Jacobs, A.K.A. Bushman passed away recently and Fisherman’s Wharf will never be the same again. Jacobs made his living by pretending to be a bush and scaring the crap out of oblivious tourists when they walked by him. He would typically post up near a garbage can and hide behind a few branches. Whenever somebody would get too close, he would pop out and give them a little scare. Some people got mad, but most people would laugh, plop down some money, and then hang around for a minute and watch him scare somebody else. He did that for over thirty years. He’s scared millions of people and has become a celebrity in the process. And now he’s gone and the city feels a more little empty. It’s like New York City losing the Naked Cowboy. Things are never going to be the same again.

Gregory Jacobs was one of two Bushmen. There is also another bushguy named David Johnson, and Johnson prefers to be called the World Famous Bushman. There is some dispute as to which one is the original, but they were bushpartners at one point and gradually became bushenemies. Who knew the world of street performers and busking could be so interesting? It’s kind of cool that a guy who pretended to be a bush could gain the attention and affection of millions of people from around the world. Rest in Peace Bushman. You will be missed.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sriracha

Sriracha is one of the best hot sauces/condiments known to mankind. It goes great with everything, on anything, and with all types of cuisine. It’s spicy but not overly spicy compared to Tabasco or Tapatío. Sriracha is extremely popular right now. Most people know what it is, but most people don’t know how to pronounce it correctly. Seriously. There are YouTube videos instructing you how to say it properly. But everybody says it wrong and everybody says it wrong the same way, so you’ll be considered wrong if you pronounce it the right way. The most popular and recognized brand of Sriracha is made by Huy Fong Foods, Inc. It has a drawing of a rooster on the bottle, so a lot of people call it rooster sauce or cock sauce. Haha, cock sauce. If you haven’t experienced Sriracha yet, you are missing out on one of the best things in life. Sriracha should be a top priority on your bucket list.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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Dubbel Fisted (beer)

Vista, California’s Iron Fist Brewing Company presents Dubbel Fisted, a Belgian Style Dubbel. This is a pretty hefty craft beer, rich in flavor and aroma, and with a relatively high 8.10% alcohol content. It pours a cloudy, dark amber with a thin tan head. It smells of plums, chocolate, caramel, nuts, and malt, maybe a little spice as well. It tastes great, malty and rich with brown sugar. I also get hints of plum, caramel, chocolate, molasses, and spice. It’s the first beer I’ve tried from Iron Fist, and it made a great first impression. I can’t wait to try their other offerings. It’s always awesome discovering a new brewery making amazing libations. Try Dubbel Fisted if you get the chance.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Walking Dead Season 1

The Walking Dead is an AMC television series about a group of survivors trying to make their way through the zombie apocalypse. It’s based on a comic written by Robert Kirkland. It was brought to the small screen by Frank Darabont, the same guy who brought Stephen King’s The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile to the big screen, so you know he can make a successful adaptation. Darabont was the showrunner for the first season before he was replaced, but you can’t deny the impact he had in creating a cultural phenomenon. This is a show about zombies, but they never call them zombies. They refer to them as “walkers” primarily, but they have a few different names for them. It’s also a character study. How do you keep your humanity and sanity when the undead can kill you at any moment? What happens to society when everything has fallen apart?
The first season is only six episodes, but it sets up characters and story lines that are still around. The show focuses on Sheriff’s Deputy Frank Grimes (played by Andrew Lincoln) waking up from a coma to find that the world has changed. The world has been taken over by the undead and Frank must venture out in search of his wife and son. He meets a few other survivors and has to learn the ways of the new world or die in the process.
The show shares many similarities with the comics (as you would expect), but it’s entirely different in other ways. There are characters and situations in the show that aren’t in the comics, and sometimes a situation will involve different characters. The end result is that a comic reader has a better sense of what might happen or should happen, but they can’t be sure because anything could change at anytime.
The first season is kind of slow, but that’s to be expected because it’s setting up everything and you can’t rush good exposition. You get to meet some of your favorite characters like Glenn (played by Steven Yeun) and Daryl (played by Norman Reedus), as well as characters you despise like Lori (played by Sarah Wayne Callies). Lori might be the most hated character in all of television. She fucking sucks. She’s useless and annoying and bitchy and I hate her so much. You should hate her too.
You either love The Walking Dead or you hate it. There is no in between. But I don’t trust you if you don’t like it. There’s something suspicious about you. How can you hate something so great? It’s not a perfect show, but it’s one of the best things on TV right now. It’s a staple of Sunday night television and you’re missing out if you’re not watching it.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ant Invasion

I arrived home from a mini vacation to find a swarm of ants going to town on the garbage can in the kitchen. There were hundreds of ants around the trash. They were on the floor, on the can, and on the wall, everywhere. I had a problem and I had to deal with it immediately. The first thing I did was take out the trash. Whatever they wanted would soon be out of the kitchen and in the curbside can. Then I had to get rid of the remaining ants. I didn’t have any bug spray, but I had a bottle of Simple Green and I figured that could be an effective weapon. And it turns out, it was beyond effective. A single spritz of Simple Green killed dozens of ants instantly. Whatever chemical combination they use in that magical elixir stopped the ants in their tracks and killed them dead. A couple of blasts was all it took to stop the invasion, and then it took a few paper towels to wipe up all the ant corpses. The Simple Green had the added bonus of cleaning and disinfecting the crime scene as well. The kitchen was actually cleaner after the massacre. I’m a hero to humanity and a murder to the ants. I stopped the ant invasion.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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