Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

February 11, 2012 · 7:18 am

Hundreds

Puff Daddy said it best: “It’s all about the Benjamins!” This is my favorite US currency with a non-president on it. Benjamin Franklin was a bad ass. He was a true Renaissance Man, a jack-of-all-trades. He makes Thomas Jefferson look like George W. Bush. He was just that awesome. This is a big bill, the largest denomination currently being printed. They aren’t as practical as twenties, but they are definitely more fun to have.

The clock on Independence Hall on the back says 4:10. If it were ten minutes later it would get a perfect score.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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February 9, 2012 · 11:30 am

Fifties

Fifty-dollar bills are the second highest denomination for US currency. They are kind of lame. They have to share a cash register slot with hundreds. I would rather have a few tens and crumpled ones than a fifty-dollar bill. Grant is the featured president. He was a good general but a pretty mediocre president with a corrupt office. I really want a bill with like an eagle catching a snake and the snake is on fire. I think that would be better than sticking lame presidents on potentially cool bills.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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February 7, 2012 · 9:38 am

Twenties

Twenty-dollar bills are the money currency, pun definitely intended. If it’s good enough for the ATM, it is good enough for me. It’s the most practical bill for most cash transactions.

A lot of people don’t like this bill because it depicts Andrew Jackson. Jackson was a strong leader, but a very controversial president. He was super racist and was responsible for the Trail of Tears. Look it up on Wikipedia, that shit was fucked up. Bigotry and politics aside, the twenty is the most practical bill we have.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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February 6, 2012 · 11:19 am

Tens

Ten-dollar bills are pretty lame. Let’s start with the face of the ten, Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton was never president. He is most famous for accidently being shot by Aaron Burr during a milk commercial. Let’s put Teddy Roosevelt or John Adams on here or something. Tens are most commonly received when you ask for change for your twenty.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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February 5, 2012 · 9:50 am

Fives

The five dollar bill is the lowest bill that people actually take the time to counterfeit. I don’t know why. There’s not too much you can still buy with five bucks. You can get a foot long sandwich. That’s about it. Five bucks in the minimum that you should spend on lotto tickets.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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February 3, 2012 · 8:48 am

Two Dollar Bills

The forgotten paper currency. Thomas Jefferson is the featured president. They are pretty rare to find out in the real world. Not very practical, but they are cool to have. I give them out as tips when I have them, they usually appreciate it. This is the fifty cent piece of the paper currency.  The sheer novelty of them makes them rate higher though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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February 2, 2012 · 11:33 am

Half Dollars

John F. Kennedy gave his life serving this country, and we honored him by giving him the biggest and most useless coin in our arsenal. They are practically worthless. Cash registers don’t have a slot for them, no vending machines will accept them, they don’t fit in parking meters and you can’t use them for laundry. Some magicians use them for coin tricks. Some Chinese kids get them for Chinese New Year. The only real use for the fifty cent piece is to complete your mint coin set from the year you were born.

Critically Rated at 6/17.

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February 2, 2012 · 11:31 am

Dollar Coins

Dollar coins are becoming more common, but they are still pretty annoying. You can use them for public transportation and some vending machines will accept them. They have no slot in cash registers, so you hardly use them for regular cash transactions. There are a few common dollar coins. The Susan B. Anthony dollar coin is silver and slightly bigger than a quarter. They look very similar to quarters and are constantly mistaken for them. The public hates them and I do too. Sacajawea dollar coins are gold and depict Sacajawea, the Indian Princess who loved Lewis and hated Clark. Slightly better than the Susan B. Anthony coins, these are gold and are easily distinguished from other US coins. I think it’s also the only coin with a baby on it.

The Sacajawea coins were also not well received by the public. The obvious solution was to stick a president on there. But which one? How about all of them?!? Sounds good to me. The government saw the benefits of people collecting state quarters, and they unveiled a line of dollar coins which will depict each president eventually. Finally William Henry Harrison and Gerald Ford get their own currency, what a relief.

Critically Rated at 6/17 for the Susan B. Anthony coin.

Critically Rated at 11/17 for the Sacajawea coin.

Critically Rated at 14/17 for the Presidential coins.

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January 31, 2012 · 4:26 am

Ones

The lowest dollar bill denomination that we have. A lot of money if you are five years old, but they are the pennies of paper currency. They are kind of cryptic and have weird symbols like a pyramid with an eye and an owl/spider (depending on who you ask) hidden in the upper right corner behind the shield. Crispy, sexy ones are ideal for vending machines and for bus fare. George Washington rocks the front. He is on the dollar bill, the quarter and has a dollar coin as well, he’s tied with Lincoln and Jefferson for being featured on three different denominations.

Critically Rated at 14/17.

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January 29, 2012 · 4:55 pm

Quarters

Quarters are the best coin. These are ideal for temporary tattoos, magic tricks, scratching off lotto tickets, parking meters and the list goes on and on. It even has its own drinking game named after it.

It has George Washington on it. GEORGE WASHINGTON, the guy who discovered America in 1776 and stole it from the British. He was a full 25% of the Four Fathers, the first President to win a second election, and he carved his own teeth from a cherry tree he chopped down. This is the American Coin of Choice.

I will give away pennies, nickels, dimes, even crumpled dollar bills to bums on the street, but I keep my quarters. Those are for laundry. We should get rid of all coins except for the quarter, half dollar, and dollar coin.

They would get a perfect score but you can’t buy a pack of gum or make a phone call anymore. I know that it’s because of inflation, so maybe they should make quarters worth 35 cents. Problem solved.

Critically Rated at 16/17.

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January 28, 2012 · 10:23 pm

Dimes

One thing that has always bugged me about dimes is the fact that they are worth more than pennies and nickels but are smaller than both. Is it because FDR was a cripple? He won 4 straight presidential elections, got the US out of the Great Depression, and helped pave the way for an Allied victory in WWII, but couldn’t walk….. makes sense to honor him with a coin, a little tiny coin.

At least you can use them at the meter, for laundry, for bus fare, at the vending machine. It is probably the most practical coin beside the quarter, but that doesn’t mean much.

Critically Rated at 9/17.

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January 28, 2012 · 10:22 pm

Nickels

Nickels are mediocre coins. They almost look like a quarter so you get your hopes up, and then you see Jefferson’s shitty profile and you die inside a little bit. Not to shit on good old TJ, that guy was alright (go to Wikipedia if you don’t believe me), but nickels are only good for 2 minutes in the meter or a Bazooka Joe.

Critically Rated at 7/17.

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January 28, 2012 · 10:21 pm

Pennies

The penny is commonly thought of as garbage money. It is practically worthless. People don’t care about them. I’ve seen people throw them away. I know that a penny saved is a penny earned, but you have to save a shit ton of them just to buy a pack of gum.

Washing machines won’t accept them. Vending machines won’t accept them. Parking meters won’t accept them. Coin Star is the only thing that wants your pennies.

I like Lincoln, but he’s already on the five dollar bill and he also has his own dollar coin too. I don’t think he would lose his head if we got rid of the penny. Lose his head. Get it?

Critically Rated at 5/17.

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