Category Archives: Entertainment

TV, Movies, etc

April 5, 2012 · 10:04 am

Modern Marvels

If you are watching the History Channel, there is a 75% chance that you are watching Modern Marvels. Modern Marvels is an hour long show about everything from engineering disasters to fast food tech to breweries, there is not much that the show doesn’t cover. The show gives you a brief history of the topic, and then they delve into how it’s developed and explains the technology behind it.

It’s an interesting show, but certain topics are more interesting than others. No matter what, you learn a thing or two or seventeen things about whatever subject they are happen to be covering. Who knew that truck stops were so fascinating? There have been over 660 episodes over 18 seasons, so there is bound to be something to tickle your fancy.

 

Check it out sometime, but there’s no need to set the DVR for this show. It’s interesting but not life changing. If you watch the History Channel, you either watch this show or Ancient Aliens. Modern Marvels will make you slightly smarter. Ancient Aliens will make you paranoid and cost you a few friends.

Expand your mind and kill some time with this show. Ignore the shitty shows like Ancient Aliens and Monster Quest. History Channel, make up your mind if you wanna be smart or superstitious.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 4, 2012 · 10:06 am

The Social Network

Michael Cera stars as Tom Anderson in The Social Network, a biopic about the rise and fall of MySpace. Tobey Maguire and Lance Bass play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on MySpace, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

Oh man, I crack myself up. David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club), directs Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on Facebook, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

This movie is not about Facebook. It is about a good idea that’s worth money, and how money changes people. Mark Zuckerberg, a computer genius going to Harvard University, is recruited by the Winklevoss twins to help them develop a social network exclusive to Harvard students. Mark takes their idea, improves upon it, and launches thefacebook, with the help of his best friend and business partner Eduardo Saverin (Andrew “New Spider-Man” Garfield).

As thefacebook starts to blow up, the Winklevoss brothers begin to challenge Mark over stealing their idea, eventually deciding to sue. The site’s potential catches the eye of Sean Parker, the creator of Napster. Justin (N*Sync) Timberlake plays Sean Parker, and Sean’s ideas like simply calling the site Facebook add to the potential value of the social network. Sean doesn’t think that Eduardo is a good fit for the company, and Sean and Mark begin to phase him out of the company. Eduardo gets a little pissed and decides to sue.

The story is framed by Mark sitting in rooms surrounded by suits, dealing with separate lawsuits from his former best friend and the Winklevossi. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is based on a true story. That doesn’t make this a documentary. This film captures the vibe of Facebook’s creation and that’s more important than a step by step recreation of the site’s development. Both Sorkin’s script and Eisenberg’s performance make Zuckerberg a hero, but you don’t necessarily sympathize with him. Mark Zuckerberg might have stolen ideas, but he created Facebook, and the film makes that clear. He might be arrogant and treat people badly sometimes, but you never hate him.

James Garfield does a great job as Eduardo Saverin. He’s still kind of a newcomer, but in case you’ve been living under a rock, he was cast as the lead in the new Spider-Man reboot. It’s pretty safe to say that with this supporting role and the lead role in a guaranteed blockbuster will cement his status as a box office draw for the next few years.

Justin Timberlake’s music sucks. His solo career rips off 1980’s Michael Jackson. His pop group career rips off the Backstreet Boys and they ripped off New Kids on the Block. Justin Timberlake the singer sucks. But Justin Timberlake the actor is surprisingly good. I don’t want to admit that I like Justin Timberlake, so that means he is actually good. He is a natural on camera. In his first scene, he’s a suave ladies man, he seems cool and relaxed. Later after he ousts Eduardo from Facebook, he flinches when Eduardo feigns a punch. He tries to recover and regain his composure, but you see a crack in his armor. Justin Timberlake created a genuine moment on screen. He made Parker the second most interesting character in the movie, and there are a few interesting characters.

This is a great movie all around. Trent Reznor’s soundtrack is solid. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is solid. David Fincher’s direction is solid. The cast is solid. Even if Facebook fades away, this movie will still be good. It might not be relevant, but it will still be good.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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April 3, 2012 · 10:04 am

Sucker Punch

Zack Snyder made a couple of cool movies like the Dawn of the Dead remake, 300, and Watchmen, and so I was pretty excited about seeing his first movie based on his original story. It looked awesome: sexy girls, crazy visuals, over the top action, and highly stylized world. I saw it in the theater. I was never bored watching it, but I was never enthralled by anything either. When it was over, I was indifferent. I believe my initial feeling when I left the theater was “Meh”.

I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. This is the cinematic equivalent of being black out drunk in on a crazy night in Vegas… lots of pretty girls, flashing lights, loud noises, crazy fights, and you have no idea what the fuck is going on. I know there’s a plot. It’s just not a good one and it gets lost in the chaos.  The story follows Babydoll (Emily Browning) who gets committed to a mental institution by her evil stepfather. She’s scheduled to be lobotomized (never a good thing), and she escapes into fantasies, which parallel her real-life escape plan. Of course it gets needlessly complicated, and you aren’t sure what’s real and what’s imaginary and you don’t really care either.

This is one of the movies that you have to watch more than once. Not because it’s that good, but because it’s that confusing. It is so convoluted and chaotic that repeat viewings are required to comprehend what’s going on. There are a lot of cool visuals and elaborate sequences. It looks unique, and it blends a few different genres that should clash, but end up meshing well. The problem is that the story sucks. All in all, it is entertaining. But it’s not essential to own or even to watch. People think you’re weird if you’ve never seen Star Wars, but no one will ever bash you if you go your whole life without seeing this flick.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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April 2, 2012 · 9:48 am

Drumline

If you remember hard enough, you might recall that Nick Cannon was a moderately successful actor before Mariah Carrey ate him. Drumline was his masterpiece. You’ve seen the plot a million times before: a cocky kid with natural talent joins a team, clashes with them for a bit, learns about teamwork and grows up a little bit, and leads the team to victory. Along the way he meets a girl, gets her, loses her and gets her again when he leads the team to victory. The twist in the plot is that the kid with talent is good at drums and the team he joins is a college marching band. It’s not original in the slightest, but the music makes it entertaining.

Nick Cannon plays Devon Miles, a drummer who gets a full scholarship to join the prestigious and fictional Atlanta A&T University marching band. He’s a great drummer, music comes naturally to him. He is really cocky. I mean really cocky. There’s no reason why anyone would like this guy. He’s a dick. He’s selfish. He doesn’t bother learning how to read music, unlike all his fellow band members. He didn’t want to cut his hair as required by the team so he quit. He changes his mind a little later, shows up to a party with clippers and everyone cheers. Yeah right, fuck you man, you just quit the team like a bitch, but whatever, its ok because you’re good at drums. He challenges the student leader and questions authority. He is not a team player, and the film vilifies the few characters that treat Devon like the asshole that he is.

Zoe Saldana (Avatar, Star Trek) plays Laila, the love interest. There is no reason why she would possibly like Devon. First off, he’s a stupid freshman, and she is a sexy upperclassman. She has a car, doesn’t live in a dorm, and can legally drink. The first few times they meet he comes off as being really arrogant, stupid, and acts superior to her. There is no reason she would ever talk to him, let alone fall for him. Zoe Saldana is sexy even when she’s a nine foot tall sparkly blue cat.

The music and the marching sequences are the redeeming aspects of the movie. The band choreography and music selections are exciting and will have you tapping your feet to the beat. A good marching band runs like a machine, each part has to work perfectly or it sucks. You get a glimpse into how marching bands function.

So the plot sucks, but the movie is redeemed by the music. Nick Cannon sucks, but his character sucks even more. The supporting cast is much more interesting and likeable. It’s a very flawed movie, but if it’s on TV I wouldn’t bash you for watching it. I wouldn’t set the DVR for it though.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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April 1, 2012 · 9:32 am

Bone (comic)

Jeff Smith’s Bone is one of the best comics of all time. It transcends being a mere comic book and is one of the best fantasy epics ever, up there with Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Harry Potter. This needs to be pop culture, I want to geek out about it and have 30 minute conversations about Bone with complete strangers. Bone is the epic saga of three cousins trying to find their way home, and stumble into a hero’s journey complete with princesses, dragons, rat creatures, ghost circles and magic. It’s one of those immersive imaginary worlds that requires a map in the back of the book. That’s a sign of quality for literary epics. It is hysterically funny at times, but can turn dark and scary in a moment’s notice.

Fone Bone is the main character, the one that you relate to, the everyman. He’s got a good heart, likes to read Moby Dick, and tries to keep his cousin Phoney Bone out of trouble. Phoney is greedy, manipulative, and always plotting. His exploits got the three cousins kicked out of Boneville. He thinks of himself first and foremost, but genuinely cares about his cousins. Smiley Bone rounds out the trio, he is the comic relief. He is simple and acts dumber than he is, but occasionally has some brilliant ideas. So the three Bones from Boneville are forced to flee some angry townspeople and find themselves lost and separated in a mysterious Valley.

The Valley is where the bulk of the story takes place. You never actually see Boneville, but you can assume it is modern because they have books like Moby Dick, a CornDogHut, and paper currency. The Valley seems to be stuck in the past. There’s a tavern, an economy based on eggs and goods rather than money, and seems medieval. The Valley is home to a village populated by people called Barrelhaven, a few isolated farms, and talking creatures like Ted the Bug, Miz ‘Possum and her kids, and a giant mountain lion named Roque Ja who guards the Eastern Boarder.

Fone Bone gets separated from his cousins and eventually befriends and stays with Thorn Harvestar, a gorgeous, generous girl and her tough as nails grandma, who goes by Rose or Gran’ma. Not to spoil anything, but Gran’ma Rose just might be a usurped Queen with a hidden past. Fone develops a crush on Thorn, and you can’t blame him, ‘cause she’s smoking hot. And nice to him. Anyway, Smiley and Phoney Bone end up in Barrelhaven, and they meet some of the locals down there. Eventually everyone meets up again and the Bones go back home to Boneville.

But before that happens, strange things begin happening in the Valley. Dragons show up. Rat creatures show up. The king of the rat creatures shows up. The evil Lord of the Locusts shows up. Add a whole backstory of ghost circles, and the power of the Dreaming, and mysterious cults, and dragon origin stories and you have yourself an amazing fantasy epic. If you like Lord of the Rings but wish it was funnier, than this is the comic for you.

It is unlike any other comic. This is one of the few graphic novels that changes people’s minds about what a comic can do. It transcends boundaries. At the heart of the story is your basic Hero’s Quest, but Jeff Smith does what you’re supposed to and created his own unique universe. One that’s unique but familiar. It goes from funny to sad in a heartbeat. The panels create the illusion of movement and pacing. It’s almost like a movie on paper.

Go out and read this book. I think you are a decent human being and I want you to be happy. This comic will make your life a little better. You owe it to yourself to see what I’m talking about. There is a $40 book that has all 9 volumes in it. The artwork is in black and white, just a heads up. It doesn’t take anything away from it. The first few volumes have color versions, but they haven’t published the whole saga in color yet. Go read it if you haven’t, you won’t regret it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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March 31, 2012 · 8:57 am

Ronin (comic)

Frank Miller’s Ronin is one of his breakthrough comics. Ronin is the story of a disgraced samurai and his demon enemy who are reincarnated into a desolate, futuristic New York City. It’s heavily influenced by manga and Japanimation.

The story begins in old time Japan, where a young samurai loyally serves his master. His master gets assassinated by Agat, a powerful demon. A samurai without a master is a ronin, hence the title. The ronin and Agat do battle and somehow get transported to the future.

The world has gone to hell, and New York City is in shambles. There are gangs of freaks and mutants, lots of bums, lots of anarchy. The city is also home to the Aquarius Corporation, known for their pioneering work in biocircuitry, which they hope to weaponize.

Billy Challas, an armless, legless telekinetic lives in Aquarius and uses his telekinesis to control the biocircuitry. The Aquarius Corporation has an advanced A.I. system known as Virgo. Virgo acts like Billy’s friend and babysitter. Billy has strange dreams involving samurais. He eventually uses the biocircuitry to grow himself limbs, and starts transforming into the ronin. Good thing too, because Agat is back too.

There is a lot more to the story than what meets the eye. This is a story of past and future, east and west, man and machine, of honor and duty. Miller’s version of the future is dark and gritty, and his rough and aggressive artwork compliments it nicely. Miller does comics for men, not for kids.

It’s a cool comic. I realize my half-assed plot summary seems a little confusing, but the story isn’t that convoluted. There’s cool characters, a cool concept, and it’s hard to put down.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 30, 2012 · 10:10 am

Rocky

Rocky is Sylvester Stallone’s best movie. It’s a requirement for a boy to watch this in order to become a man. It is a cinematic bar mitzvah. If you’ve never seen this flick, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you don’t have TBS, TNT or basic cable.  I’m pretty sure there’s a cable network that shows the Rocky saga nonstop.

Rocky is the story of a boxing underdog. Rocky is just an average boxer. He’s not a has-been, he’s a never-was (and yes, I did steal that from the Mighty Ducks). He gets a shot to take on the reigning champ, and his only goal is to go the distance with him. He doesn’t want to win, he just wants to put up a fight. He doesn’t win in the end, one of only a handful of movies where the good guy loses in the end. A League of Their Own and Friday Night Lights also come to mind. It is more realistic to have a team lose rather than win everything. Most sports competitions only have one winner, and so statistically there are a lot more losers.

Rocky was made on a shoestring budget. The plot parallels Sylvester Stallone’s real life. It is a very personal project, and it shows. It’s a great “You-Can-Do-It-If-You-Put-Your-Mind-To-It” story. Sly wrote it as a vehicle for himself, and eventually got his way. With a budget of less than a million dollars, the film went on to gross over $225 million, earned ten Oscar nominations, and spawned five sequels. Not too shabby for a script written in three and a half days.

Rocky made a star out of Stallone, but it also had a great supporting cast. Talia Shire plays Adrian, the shy love interest that blossoms into a beautiful woman. Burt Young plays Paulie, Adrian’s brother and Rocky’s best friend. Rocky represents hope and Paulie represents reality. Burgess Meredith plays Mickey, the disgruntled trainer who thinks Rocky wasted his talent, but who is still willing to help get him into shape. Carl Weathers plays Apollo Creed, the cocky reigning heavyweight who challenges an unknown Rocky to a title fight. It’s very difficult to play an antagonist with out making them a villain, so props to Weathers for playing the character the right way.

The soundtrack is amazing. It elevates the whole movie. Gonna Fly Now is the best workout song of all time. There was pioneering use of the steadicam. The training montage, fight sequences, and Rocky running up the stairs are all iconic moments that are elevated because of the filming technique. The fight choreography seems slightly dated now, but at the time it was the closest to an actual fight than anything previously seen on screen.

This is one of the best sports films of all time. It was the start of a sometimes great, occasionally mediocre film franchise. There are plenty of real life parallels that make the movie even more relatable and enjoyable. Sylvester Stallone’s best movie, and any actor should be proud to have a film of this caliber on their resume.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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March 28, 2012 · 9:46 am

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (film)

David Yates directs Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and Daniel Radcliffe once again as the Harry Potter movie series reaches its epic conclusion. Harry, Ron, and Hermione track down the remaining Horcruxes and Harry and Voldemort face each other for the final time. And it’s all in mediocre 3D!

This movie marks the end of an era. You realize that you were spoiled by having eight awesome movies based on seven amazing books coming out over ten astounding years. You saw the kids grow up on screen, like British Olson Twins, but their careers didn’t end when they turned eighteen. With the 19 Years later epilogue at the end, you get to see them age into middle-aged adults. It’s cool to see how much those little tykes have grown.

Almost everything in the movie happens during one long day. Everything from the Gringott’s raid to Harry breaking and throwing away the Elder Wand happens pretty much within a 24 hour period. Harry’s day is way crazier than anything Jack Bauer ever had to deal with.

Harry’s quest to destroy Voldemort’s Horcruxes takes him back to Hogwarts. The Order of the Phoenix and Harry’s supporters all show up to take on Voldemort and the Death Eaters in one of the biggest and best battles in cinematic history. There are spells and creatures and death and destruction all jumping out of the screen and smacking you in the face. It wasn’t the best 3D movie, but it wasn’t the worst either.

Alan Rickman finally gets more than a few lines. Snape is the best character in the books, and Deathly Hallows is kind of his coming out party. His secret past is revealed at last. Harry exploring Snape’s memories in the Pensieve is one of the highlights of the film. It is brief but thorough.

I was a little nervous that Neville wouldn’t get to kill Nagini. In the book, Harry finds Neville and tells him to kill the snake. In the movie, Harry tells Ron and Hermione to kill the snake. Nagini was about to attack Ron and Hermione, but than Neville comes out of nowhere to decapitate the snake and relieve my fears. Neville is my favorite character. If he didn’t complete his story arc I would have written David Yates a strongly worded letter voicing my displeasure.

The movie was a pretty faithful adaptation for the most part. There are a few nitpicky things that would have improved the movie. They should have included Dumbledore’s backstory and not just hint at it. And Harry should have used the Elder Wand to fix his broken wand before he gets rid of it. Both the book and the movie screwed over Lupin and Tonks by killing them off-screen. I was hoping the movie would show how they bit the dust.

This is the only Potter movie to make over a billion dollars at the box office. Part 1 and 2 were made for $250 million, and took in $2,284,510,930 combined. That’s a spicy meatball. Take that Twilight.

I was sad when the movie ended. Harry Potter is over. No more books. No more movies. No more reason to live in this cruel world.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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March 27, 2012 · 10:06 am

Men in Black (film)

Steven Spielberg produces, Barry Sonnenfeld directs, and Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are the Men in Black. Men in Black is based on a comic, but I never read it, so I have no idea how faithful to the source it is. This is your basic buddy cop movie, but with aliens and dated CGI. Tommy Lee Jones plays Agent Kay, a member of the Men in Black, a secret organization that controls extraterrestrial life on Earth. Will Smith plays Agent Jay, the newest MIB recruit.

Will Smith annoys me. He plays the same exact character in all his movies… He is cocky and goofy at the same time, and I hate that I don’t hate him. He seems like such a douche, and still seems cool. At this point in his career he already played a cop and he already saved the world from aliens. It was really quite a stretch for him to play an agent who saves the world from aliens. His training sequence in the beginning is one of the highlights of the film. The other potential candidates, each one representing a different branch of the military, can’t think outside of the box. Jay uses his common sense and succeeds in recognizing that aliens aren’t as much of a threat as a little girl with a Calculus book. It’s a good introduction to the MIB world.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the main villain, a farmer whose body is taken over by a Bug. He does a great job. He is terrifying and intimidating, way more than the giant cartoon cockroach that he transforms into at the end. Tommy Lee Jones is a badass as always.

There are a few cool ideas about aliens and galaxies. The galaxy on Orion’s belt… the reveal that our own galaxy is just one of many galaxies encased in marbles that giant aliens play with… heavy stuff bro. Just hit this joint and think about it. This movie was really just a vehicle for Will Smith to act like Will Smith for two hours. And that song; that fucking terrible song. I’ve been to more than one middle school dance where a bunch of awkward teens stumbled through those steps.

A fun movie and a good start to a decent franchise. The second movie was enjoyable, and the third one looks promising. Josh Brolin as a young Tommy Lee Jones? Sounds good to me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 25, 2012 · 9:49 am

Identity Crisis

Brad Meltzer’s Identity Crisis is a “who-done-it?” murder mystery involving superheroes. Someone is targeting family members of the Justice League. What lengths would you through to protect your family? Especially if you have superpowers and actually do something?

Sue Dibny, wife of the Elongated Man, is mysteriously killed. But how? And by who? How did someone discover who she was and kill her without leaving a trace? A few Justice League members suspect Doctor Light. There was a little incident a few years earlier where he snuck in JLA headquarters and raped Sue. The Atom, the Elongated Man, Hawkeye, Green Lantern, Black Canary, Flash and Zatanna walk in on it, and decide to erase his memory and alter his personality. Is it ethical to do mind-wipes and personality alterations? Eventually more family members of JLA heroes are attacked and more mind-wipes are revealed. Shit goes down.

There is a very clear story being told. I know a lot of DC loyalists are mad that some characters are changed drastically or killed off, but if you are somewhat new to comics you can follow the story. It’s the most welcoming, least confusing of the Crisis storylines (Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis, Final Crisis). It’s a good detective story, and the final reveal was pretty shocking. There’s more of a focus on lesser known heroes like the Elongated Man, the Atom, Tim Drake a.k.a. Robin, and their civilian family members that they care about.

I like the Elongated Man’s quick backstory about how he and Sue got together. She was around heroes all the time, big ones like Superman, Batman, and the Flash. But she chose him. “That’s why ice cream stores don’t just sell chocolate and vanilla. Every once in a while someone walks in and orders butter pecan”. Yeah, that’s corny, but it makes the heroes relatable.

 

Great artwork by Rags Morales and Michael Bair. An intriguing and comprehensive plot by Brad Meltzer. Identity Crisis is a good read.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 24, 2012 · 8:28 am

Game Change

Game Change is an HBO original film about Sarah Palin and the 2008 presidential election campaign. Jay Roach (Austin Powers?!?, Meet the Parents) directs Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin, Ed Harris as John McCain, Woody Harrelson as campaign senior strategist Steve Schmidt, and Barry Obama as himself.

Before I get started let me just say that I’m not a Republican. I’m not a Democrat. I don’t vote; I think it’s a hollow privilege. But I think politics are fascinating. This film feels like a documentary and you get an inside glimpse of the GOP and how modern campaigning works.

John McCain’s presidential campaign has hit a snag. Obama is just too popular. He is the man, he is a rock star. McCain brings in Steve Schmidt to get his campaign back on track. Steve figures the best way to do that is to find a charismatic running mate, a game changer. They eventually stumble upon an unknown governor from Alaska who just might be what they need. Sarah Palin gets thrust into the national spotlight, something that she was mentally, emotionally, and politically unprepared for.

Palin isn’t ready to be on the main stage. She has a concerning lack of simple US history, she doesn’t have any grasp of foreign policy. She thinks that Saddam Hussein attacked America on 9/11. She seems pretty damn stupid at times. But, man oh man, can she talk to people. She can relate to them. She is a rock star like Obama; she’s just in a shittier band.

Julianne Moore is Sarah Palin. It’s uncanny how well she portrays Palin. She captures her charisma when she delivers speeches, and humanizes her in private, intimate moments. You feel like you are watching home movies of her, and not some HBO flick produced by Tom Hanks. There’s one scene where Palin’s deployed son calls her from Iraq to wish her luck in a debate. After the brief conversation, tears well up in her eyes and Steve asks if she needs a moment. “My son is safe. My son is safe,” is her response. Politics are important to her, but family means everything.

Ed Harris does a great job as John McCain. He sort of acts as a wise grandfather figure. He worries about Palin’s emotional and stress levels, he cares about her. He recommends sending her to the desert so she can avoid a breakdown and have some time to relax. He also defends Obama from racist Republicans, saying he’s a decent family man. Woody Harrelson’s portrayal of strategist Steve Schmidt is the glue that holds the movie together. His 60 Minutes interview bookends the film. He is given the impossible task of making McCain more popular than Obama and trying to control Palin.

This is an interesting movie showing the behind the scenes chaos of an historical election. You see how much help Palin needed to be presentable to the public. She is put under a microscope and almost has a nervous breakdown. She sits and stares blankly at the walls. She fights back tears as she sees Tina Fey’s scathing SNL impersonation of her. You feel bad for laughing at a real person. That’s what this movie did: it turned Sarah Palin into a real person. This is more than a good movie about politics; it’s just a good movie.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 23, 2012 · 9:47 am

The Princess Bride

Rob Reiner’s directorial fairy tale masterpiece. A grandfather reads The Princess Bride by William Goldman to his sick grandson, and the film jumps into a rich fantasy world with swordsmen, pirates, giants, Rodents Of Unusual Size, six fingered men, and true love. Definitely fantasy.

The story follows a young farmhand named Westley (Cary Elwes) who loves the beautiful Buttercup (Robin Wright). He goes out to seek his fortune so he can marry her, but shit happens along the way. She gets engaged to Prince Humperdinck, and Westley gets kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts. Life throws you curveballs I guess.

A trio of criminals kidnaps Buttercup. They are lead by the short and wannabe clever Vizzini (Wallace Shawn); the noble Spanish swordsman who is avenging his father’s death, Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin); and a gentle giant named Fezzik (Andre the Awesome Giant). A mysterious man in black is hot in pursuit. He turns out to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and eventually frees Buttercup. She hates him for killing Westley, but in a twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out it is Westley! Hooray, he didn’t die.

They can’t be together though, because Buttercup is still engaged to Humperdinck. Humperdinck has a hidden agenda. He wants to kill Buttercup and frame a rival nation for her death so he can go to war. He has Westley imprisoned and tortured.

A bunch of stuff happens and eventually Inigo Montoya and Fezzik ally themselves with Westley and they storm the castle, free Buttercup, avenge their fathers, defeat the evil Humperdinck and escape on horses.

This is a great movie. Guys like it. Girls like it. Kids like it. Really old, decrepit people like it. It’s a movie you can watch with your family or your friends. It brings people together. Simply a timeless film. Hollywood, I am begging you, don’t ever do a remake or a prequel or unnecessary sequel. Let good movies stay good.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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March 22, 2012 · 2:34 pm

Crisis on Infinite Earths

DC had a problem. By 1985, over 50 years of heroes, villains, multiple timelines and alternate Earths had created a heaping pile of confusion. Marv Wolfman was tasked with creating a story that could simplify the DC universe and make it more accessible to new readers, and fix continuity problems. It’s a somewhat confusing story about good versus evil and the Multiverse.

So there are two omnipotent beings, one is good, one is evil. The Monitor must recruit heroes and villains to save the Multiverse from the evil Anti-Monitor. The Multiverse is a universe with multiple Earths and worlds. There is an Earth-1, Earth-2, Earth-B, etc. There are multiple incarnations of each DC character, and there are differences between each version. If you aren’t confused, you aren’t paying attention. It seems like virtually every DC character, famous or obscure, makes an appearance. If you aren’t too aware of DC, you might want to avoid this comic. There are a lot of characters and plot points that are too hard to follow if you are a newb.

There is a lot going on. This is not a simple read. Characters die, whole Earths die. It becomes somewhat convoluted to remember who did what when, and which who did what. Crisis on Infinite Earths is similar to X-Men 3… there’s a bunch of characters running around doing things, and you recognize a lot of them, but you don’t care about most of them. And when it was over you have a lot of questions, but overall you were entertained.

It tries to simplify the DC universe. It just does it in a confusing way. Read it if you like DC. Avoid it if you don’t. There are a lot of notable deaths, so if you’re morbid, you can read it for that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 21, 2012 · 9:55 am

Scream

Wes Craven’s Scream was the best horror film of the ‘90s. It is also Neve Campbell’s best movie (her best scene is in Wild Things though). This is a scary movie that also spoofs the clichés of the horror genre. It’s very meta and self-referential, but it does it subtly and doesn’t throw it in your face. It has a lot of funny moments, but no gags or jokes. It’s a horror satire, not a horror parody.

It has a good cast with Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Rose McGowan, Matthew Lillard, Jaime Kennedy and Skeet Ulrich. Drew Barrymore has a brief cameo in the introduction. Spoiler alert: she dies. It was a surprise to see her bite the dust so quickly; you just assumed that she would be in the whole movie. It’s even more awesome because Drew Barrymore sucks and she should die in the first ten minutes of any movie she’s in (except E.T.).

David Arquette’s Deputy Dewey is goofy and provides some comic relief. But Jaime Kennedy’s character is the funniest in the show. He is a film buff and kind of a dork, but he knows the rules of scary movies. He knows what to do and not to do, what to say and not to say. He shares his knowledge with the other characters and the audience. If you ever get trapped in a horror movie and want to survive, you better remember Randy’s rules.

The movie is kind of dated now. The ‘90s hair and wardrobe are weird looking. If you have a cell phone you are a suspect. The plot still holds up though. The whole backstory with Sidney’s whorish mother and the wrongful incarceration of Cotton Weary was pretty cool. It comes up in the sequels too. The twist at the end where it is revealed that there are actually two killers was well written. But seriously look at how shady Billy Loomis is. Did you have any doubt that Skeet Ulrich was the killer? Matthew Lillard does a great job transitioning from being funny to being psychotic.

The Ghostface mask has reached iconic status. It is instantly recognizable, and it makes the Scream killer as identifiable as Michael Myers or Jason. The voice is what really makes it terrifying though. It could be anyone under the mask. The actors never met Roger L. Jackson, the voice of Ghostface, they had no idea what he looked like.

Scream is a cool movie. It’s funny, scary, and smart. It inspired a new wave of horror movies aimed at teenager and twenty-somethings. Urban Legend, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Jeepers Creepers… all of these are riding Scream’s coattails. Scream did it first and did it better. What’s your favorite scary movie? Probably this one.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 20, 2012 · 9:56 am

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

The final book of the Harry Potter series was split up into two movies released six months apart. David Yates, the director of the fifth and sixth movies, comes back to finish up the epic saga. Splitting up the movie into two parts was a great idea. The book is rich and dense with material, and the previous movies left so much out, there was no conceivable way to make a two-and-a-half hour movie that would wrap everything up in a satisfactory way. The two parts of Deathly Hallows are the most loyal to the book since Chamber of Secrets. It makes the film much more enjoyable if you’ve read the books.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson all do a great job again. The last few movies would have been terrible if they had to recast. This Potter flick didn’t have any 3D. There were only a few scenes that would have benefitted from looking extra dimensiony, so it doesn’t really affect anything. The special effects were amazing, one of the highlights being the scene with the decoy Harrys.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide that destroying Voldemort’s Horcruxes is cooler than going back to school. The three of them embark on a mission to identify and track down the mysterious objects that house fragments of Voldemort’s soul.

Voldemort has taken over the Ministry of Magic. Harry has become a fugitive along with his two best friends. Ron gets all moody and bitchy and storms out on Harry and Hermione. They celebrate by dancing awkwardly. Eventually Ron comes back (what a relief) and the three of them continue on their quest.

Hermione reads aloud the story of the Deathly Hallows, and they jump to an animated sequence of the Peverell brothers and how they cheated death. It is reminiscent of the Japanimated O-Ren Ishii sequence in Kill Bill Vol. 1. It’s unexpected and an interesting moment that was unlike anything else previously seen in the Potter movies.

It’s a great adaptation of the book. With the extended running time, there is no reason to rush or cut out important parts from the novel. It’s a bit disheartening when they show so many vital parts from the book, but don’t delve into Dumbledore’s backstory. That was a huge part of the book because it makes you question Dumbledore’s integrity. The film lags and drags for a bit when Harry and friends are hiding out in the wilderness, but the book was like that too. The escape from Malfoy Manor and Voldy getting the Elder Wand is a great way to end the film with a nice cliffhanger. It’s a good way to wrap up the movie and leaves you gearing up for the final chapter.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 19, 2012 · 9:21 am

All Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder

Frank Miller’s prequel to the Dark Knight Returns and the Dark Knight Strikes Again is a reimagining of how Batman and Robin teamed up. Miller’s story is a little more coherent than his DKSA travesty. Jim Lee’s art is amazingly stunning, especially compared to Miller’s gritty Dark Knight illustrations.

Frank Miller’s Batman is basically Dirty Harry. He ruthlessly beats criminals and enjoys doing so. He calls himself the “goddamn Batman”. A lot. It’s annoying to have a classic character changed so drastically. Batman is an asshole in this book. You don’t like his personality.

Dick Grayson is just your average twelve-year-old circus acrobat who is an expert at martial arts for some reason. His parents are shot and killed in front of him, and he is kidnapped by some corrupt Gotham cops. Batman rescues Dick from the dirty cops, and enlists him to fight in his war against crime. Batman doesn’t give Dick a choice; he just takes him back to the Batcave and starts training him to be a soldier. When Dick Grayson asks for food, Batman tells him to catch a rat. What an asshole. Robin doesn’t even get time to grieve. Batman damaged Dick Grayson beyond repair, making his reappearance in DKSA have more meaning. Batman ruined Dick Grayson’s life.

Jim Lee’s art makes Miller’s harsh story beautiful to look at. Vicki Vale, Wonder Woman, and the Black Canary are incredibly sexy looking. The female characters are definitely nice to look at. The highlight of the artwork is a huge multipage foldout depicting the enormity of the Batcave. It is huge, vast, and filled with tons of Bat-ccessories.

Batman is smart, knows it, and rubs it in your face. He handles the Green Lantern by controlling where and how they meet. He makes Robin paint the rendezvous spot all yellow so his power ring is useless. You gotta admit, that’s pretty clever.

This is a cool book. It has a more focused plot than the Dark Knight Strikes Again. The characters are more relatable. Even though the goddamn Batman is an asshole, at least he’s not a parody like he was in DKSA. Miller’s story is dark, but Lee’s artwork makes it appealing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 18, 2012 · 9:46 am

Gattaca

Andrew Niccol (the Truman Show) directs this picture about a future where science has progressed to the point when you can choose the best of your genetic material to make a genetically enhanced child. If you are genetically modified you are a “valid” and life is good. If you are conceived the old-fashioned way (i.e. drunken humping), you are an “in-valid”. With me so far?

Ethan Hawke plays Vincent Freeman, an in-valid who not only has to deal with an unfair lot in life, but has a lifelong sibling rivalry with his superior valid brother, Anton. Vincent dreams of being an astronaut, but he has a bad heart. Frequent genetic testing means that he can never be chosen to go to the stars. The only way to accomplish his dream is to borrow someone’s valid DNA.

Vincent finds a valid named Jerome Morrow who looks just like Jude Law and is willing to share his amazing DNA. Jerome was a kickass athlete who was supposed to be the best, but he was only second best, so he gave up on life and stepped in front of a car. Instead of dying he ended up in a wheelchair. Vincent uses Jerome’s hair, blood, urine, even his skin cells to get a job at Gattaca, a space agency with an upcoming mission to Saturn’s moon Titan.

It would be interesting enough to have the whole moviebe about an in-valid trying to sneak into a good life that he’s never supposed to experience, but Hollywood demands bloodshed, so of course there is a murder at Gattaca. Detectives find Vincent’s eyelash, and he becomes a prime suspect. He must keep pretending to Jerome, but the increasing police presence is putting a strain on his chances of going to space. Another thing that Hollywood demands is an unnecessary love story. Uma Thurman shows up to play the love interest Irene. She thinks that he is a perfect specimen, they get close, she finds out the truth about his lame DNA and gets mad, then they make up, yada yada yada, you’ve seen it three hundred and seventy-six times.

So how does Hollywood choose to end a science fiction movie about genetically modifying humans, space travel, murder, romance and paralyzed Jude Law? With a swim race of course. Fucking Hollywood.

It’s a pretty decent movie overall. There’s an interesting premise that is hidden under all the extra bullshit. It came out in 1997, but the treatment of in-valids by the valids is pretty relevant in this post 9/11 world. There are lots of cool ideas, and this movie will make you think about those cool ideas.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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