Category Archives: Entertainment

TV, Movies, etc

October 21, 2012 · 10:38 am

Inheritance (novel)

Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle reaches its conclusion with the fourth and final book in his fantasy series. Eragon finally faces the evil King Galbatorix in a showdown to determine the fate of Alagaësia. Will good triumph over evil? Can our courageous hero find a way to defeat the insanely powerful villain? Not trying to spoil the ending, but yes, Eragon saves the day. Aren’t you relieved?

Eragon is a Dragon Rider, a magician/warrior who is bonded to a dragon that he rides. And for the first three books he learned that he was a Dragon Rider, he learned how to be a Dragon Rider, he learned about the old Dragon Riders, and he decides to use his Dragon Rider skills to defeat an evil king who happens to be a powerful and corrupt former Dragon Rider.

Eragon and Saphira (the dragon that he rides) spent most of the first three books either training/studying or fighting in battles and skirmishes. One thing becomes clear to them: they are way too weak to fight Galbatorix and win. He is too powerful and Eragon knows it. But he’s still determined to find out how to defeat him.

Eragon and Saphira find a secret stash of dragon eggs and Eldunarí (basically dragon souls), which gives them a glimmer of hope. The Eldunarí give more Eragon strength but it’s still not enough. He must use his wits to defeat Galbatorix in battle. And the climactic scene is a bit of a let down. Then there are a few more chapters tying up all the loose ends of the various subplots. It’s a decent ending, but it’s not as satisfying as some other series. Paolini should have written an epilogue set seventeen years later. That’s the best way to end a successful series.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2012 · 1:07 am

Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands is Tim Burton’s best movie and the first one starring Johnny Depp. Now it’s practically a requirement for a Tim Burton movie to have Johnny Depp in it. Tim Burton movies have a dreamlike quality about them. He likes to deal with the fantastic and shuns reality. The main character has fucking scissors for hands. That’s pretty fantastic.

Peg Boggs (Diane Wiest) is the friendly local Avon lady who decides that the gloomy, creepy mansion is a great place to make a sales pitch. Instead of making a sale, she finds a Goth kid with scissors for hands. She talks to him for a few minutes and decides to unofficially adopt him and takes him home to her family. Because that’s what you do when you find someone who has been living in isolation for years and has weapons for hands. You take them home to live with your young son and sexy teenaged daughter.

Edward learns about life from the Boggs family and starts to fall in love with Kim (Winona Ryder). But she has a douchebag boyfriend that makes life difficult. Edward uses his scissor hands to trim bushes and cut hair, and he becomes the talk of the neighborhood. Then shit happens and the neighbors start to distrust and fear the artificial man with fucking scissors for hands. And they drive him out of town and he goes back to live in isolation in the gloomy and creepy mansion.

Edward is a great character, but it’s his effect on the neighbors that drives the story. They embrace him at first and eventually shun him because of gossip and hearsay. The housewives are leeches and they want Edward’s blood. The suburban setting is like a dream that turns into a nightmare. During the day everything is perfect. All the houses are painted in pastel colors, the husbands all leave for work and come home at the same time, all the housewives spend their days gossiping, it’s all so ideal. Then Edward comes and shakes things up a bit, and by the end of the movie the neighborhood is dark and hostile.

This is a timeless movie. It’s a modern day fairy tale. And if you’re slacking if you haven’t seen it yet. Stop slacking.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2012 · 9:27 am

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The Empire Strikes Back is the best chapter in the Star Wars saga and one of the best sequels of all time. George Lucas hands the directing responsibilities to Irvin Kershner, and the resulting performances from the actors are more dynamic and layered. This sequel takes everything good about the original and expands upon it. It’s faster, darker, and more interesting. Plus it has a better, more intense lightsaber duel.

            The main characters all return, and we meet a few new characters: Yoda and Lando. Billy Dee Williams plays the shifty Lando Calrissian, a former friend of Han’s. Lando is cool, but it’s all about Yoda. Muppet guru Frank Oz provides the voice and brings Yoda to life. The real Yoda is a puppet, not a computer animated abomination with a little lightsaber.

The Empire Strikes Back is a little different from most blockbusters. The big action scene happens in the beginning with the invasion of Hoth. The film ends with an emotional climax. Han Solo is trapped in carbonite and sent to Jabba the Hutt and you find out that Darth Vader is Luke’s dad. I really hope you knew that already.

            Star Wars was a revolutionary film that changed cinema in a lot of ways. The Empire Strike Back is step forward for the franchise. It’s more adult and it has deeper themes. It still has one of the best cliffhanger endings ever. You want to watch Return of the Jedi as soon as the credits start to roll.

The only thing that weirds me out about this movie is when Leia made out with Luke. Galactic incest is still incest.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 14, 2012 · 11:01 am

Night of the Living Dead (1990 remake)

George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is one of the most influential horror films of all time. This is special effect guru Tom Savini’s unnecessary remake of the classic zombie film. It keeps the same basic story about a ragtag group of strangers taking refuge in an isolated farmhouse when the dead inexplicably come back to life. But this time the film is shot in color and the zombie attacks are a little more gory. It’s a little dated now, and The Walking Dead has spoiled me when it comes to zombie kills, but it’s still a requirement if you are a fan of the genre.

            Tom Savini is one of the top makeup/special effects artists in the business with a handful of directing and acting credits under his belt as well. He specializes in horror movies, the bloodier the better. So you expect a little bit more action that what he presents, but he still made an adequate horror flick.

Barbara (Patricia Tallman) is visiting her mother’s grave when a zombie attacks her. She hides out in a farmhouse and gradually more and more survivors show up. Ben (Tony Todd) is the first one she meets, and he is intent on surviving. He constantly butts heads with Harry Cooper (Tom Towles), an angry guy with a wife and a daughter who has been bitten by a zombie (you know that’s not ending well). There is also a teenaged redneck couple, because you have to have stupid teenagers in a horror movie.

            As the survivors try to fortify the farmhouse, they start to realize they have to fear each other as much as they do with the zombies. Ben and Cooper both try to take control of the situation, and the tension between the two begins to rise as more and more zombies show up.

Zombies have been the monster of choice for a few years now, evidenced by the success of The Walking Dead and Zombie Land, not to mention the increasing sales of bath salts. But they wouldn’t be popular if people like Romero and Savini didn’t pave the way. So if you’ve tried watching the original Night of the Living Dead, but think it’s too slow, this might be a better alternative. The endings are different and there are a few tweaks to the storyline and characters, but overall it’s a pretty faithful remake.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 12, 2012 · 10:12 am

The Fan (film)

Robert De Niro and Wesley Snipes star in Tony Scott’s adaptation of the book by Peter Abrahams that you never read. You probably didn’t see the movie either. It’s not that good. It’s not that bad either. It’s just not that memorable.

            Robert De Niro plays a San Francisco Giants fan with an unhealthy man-crush on star player Bobby Rayburn. Gil is a shitty knife salesman with a failed family life. His wife has divorced him and he alienates his son with his obsession with the Giants. When Gil loses his job, he loses his mind and becomes dependent on Bobby Rayburn to distract him from reality.

Rayburn is a Barry Bonds caliber player but he gets injured and starts struggling on the field. Gil takes it upon himself to get Rayburn back to star status. And when Rayburn refuses to acknowledge the fans, Gil takes it personally and tries to kill Rayburn and kidnaps his son. It’s safe to say that he’s slightly unhinged.

            Benicio del Toro and John Leguizamo play supporting roles, and you see John Kruk lumbering in the background as one of the Giants players. As usual Robert De Niro does a good job as his flawed character descends further and further into insanity. But Bobby Rayburn is the more interesting character. He has more of a character arc because Gil was always kind of crazy. Rayburn has his own demons to battle, like his batting slump, competition from his teammates, having to hit homeruns for sick kids, and dealing with a psychotic fan.

            This movie is all right if you’re a baseball fan. It’s even better if you’re a Giants fan. But I wouldn’t recommend this movie. It just is what it is. If anyone tells you that this is their favorite movie, they are either lying or an idiot.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 11, 2012 · 9:29 am

The Natural (film)

The Natural is widely heralded as the best baseball movie of all time. I’ve seen it. It’s not. It’s a very good baseball movie, worthy of being on a Top Five list, but it has too many flaws to be the best. Robert Redford stars as Roy Hobbs, an athlete who simply wants to be the best baseball player who ever lived. Barry Levinson directs this adaptation of Bernard Malamud’s novel and makes a few changes (like a whole different ending).

            Roy Hobbs is on the cusp of being a professional baseball player, but things go south when he gets shot in the stomach by a crazy lady and almost dies. 16 years later, Hobbs becomes a 35-year-old rookie for the fictional New York Knights. That’s a red flag right there. You can’t be the best baseball movie if your main character doesn’t even play for a real team.

In the beginning of the movie, a young Roy Hobbs watches his dad die of a heart attack by a tree. Then lightening strikes the tree and splits it and Roy makes a bat from the wood of his father’s death tree. Somehow this makes it a lucky bat, and Roy uses it to become a fierce homerun hitter and become the spark plug that revitalizes his losing team and makes them a contender for the pennant.

             Of course there’s lots of stuff that happens. Roy must choose between a shady seductress (Kim Basinger) or rekindling a relationship with his ex-girlfriend (Glenn Close). Spoiler alert: he choses Glenn Close. I don’t know why. Kim Basinger’s character might have been slightly evil and murderous, but she still looks like Kim Basinger. Glenn Close looks like a man. And she has a man’s name. It makes you think.

I read some review where they say that this movie avoids clichés. That’s bullshit. The whole damn movie is a cliché. The new guy with talent has to earn the respect of his coach and teammates. He gets a chance to play and makes the most of it. Everything is going great and then something happens and things aren’t going so great. But he still finds the courage and strength to play in one more game. And then he hits a gamewinning homerun and is hailed as a hero. And then he finds satisfaction outside of the stadium with his family.

            This is a good baseball movie. But it’s not the best. Bull Durham is better. Major League is better. A League of Their Own is better. The Sandlot is better. Even Little Big League is better. At least that movie had plays and situations and trivia. And real baseball teams.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 10, 2012 · 9:22 am

R2-D2 and C-3P0

R2-D2 and C-3P0 are the lovable droids in the Star Wars films. They were faithfully serving the Rebellion in the original trilogy, and they were doing whatever they did in the prequel trilogy. In the ‘70s and ‘80s the two robots were the epitome of technology. But now, in whatever year this is, you see how outdated they are. First off, you’re living in the past if your iPhone is more than 12 months old. C-3P0 was built by a ten-year old Anakin Skywalker and somehow was still working and serving Skywalkers at the end of Return of the Jedi. It’s cool that he’s still working but he’s at least thirty years old. It might be time for a new protocol droid.

R2-D2 is just inefficient. He communicates through bleeps and bloops and has a hell of a time handling stairs. He might be the worst designed robot of all time. Siri can talk to you. R2-D2 doesn’t even have text display capability. He is terribly designed and looks like an inefficient vacuum cleaner without a hose.

The creepiest thing about them is that they are intelligent. They can trick and manipulate people. They can scheme and plan things out and improvise when things go wrong. They are Skynet without the evil. And even though it would be a simple upgrade to get R2 to talk, they don’t ever do it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 8, 2012 · 9:34 am

Star Wars

Star Wars is one of the best movies of all time. It might have been officially renamed Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, but it will always be Star Wars. George Lucas was a genius once, and this was his directorial highlight. Some people will say Empire Strikes Back is better, and I will tell them that Irvin Kershner directed Episode V, and that maybe they should shut the fuck up and let the real nerds talk about Star Wars.

There are three types of people in the world. People who have seen Star Wars and love it, people who have seen Star Wars and hate it, and people who have never seen Star Wars. The people who either love or hate Star Wars can agree on one thing: you are a freak if you haven’t seen Star Wars. I don’t even know how it’s possible to have not seen Star Wars at this point. It practically is pop culture.

Even if you haven’t seen Star Wars you know that Luke Skywalker has some sort of beef with Darth Vader. You know that Han Solo has a man-dog friend named Chewbacca. And you know that Princess Leia has cinnamon buns for hair. You also know the basic plot: a boy must grow up and face his destiny and embarks on the classic hero’s quest. There’s the everyman, the rogue shifty ally, the damsel in distress, the old wizard/mentor, and the villain with a powerful weapon. There are swords, knights, honor/chivalry, and space ships, robots, and aliens. And don’t forget about the fucking lightsabers, bro.

Star Wars was supposed to be a flop. The idea was so ambitious and the technology was so limited, it didn’t seem like it could possibly be a success. But the story and characters resonated with the audience. John Williams created music as iconic as the visuals on the screen. The world was changed. This was the first true sci-fi blockbuster. Movies are supposed to be an escape. Star Wars took you to a whole new universe and the movie stays with you long after you see it. Some people devote their lives to Star Wars. I can’t blame them because reality bites but Star Wars is awesome.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 7, 2012 · 10:37 am

Step Brothers (film)

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly made millions of dollars and made millions of people laugh with Talladega Nights. So it was only natural that they would reunite again, and the result is Step Brothers. Will Ferrell plays Brennan Huff, a 39-year-old man-child still living with his mom. John C. Reilly plays Dale Doback, a 40-year-old man-child still living with his dad. Their parents meet and fall in love and get married. And Brennan and Dale are now step brothers.

Director Adam McKay has a knack for comedy films. Will Ferrell is funnier when he has strong comedians backing him up. John C. Reilly is a great comedic actor, but he’s also versatile and has several more dramatic roles that showcase his acting ability. Adam Scott, Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins round out the supporting cast.

It’s a pretty stupid premise: two middle-aged guys who refused to grow up suddenly become step brothers. At first they fight and feud with each other, but then they realize that they have a lot in common and become best friends. Their childish antics are too much for Dale’s dad to take and the family breaks up and Brennan and Dale are forced to grow up. Sort of. But Apatow movies always find a way to inject heart into the film and you grow to care about the characters.

When it comes to the Apatow comedies, you either love them or hate them. If you don’t like Will Ferrell’s sense of humor, you won’t like this movie. If you think he’s funny, you will like this movie. It’s 98 minutes of Will Ferrell being Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly doing a Will Ferrell impression. They adlib a lot and the dialog gets pretty out there. You can’t help but quote this movie.  It’s better than the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 6, 2012 · 9:53 am

The Blue Angels

The US Navy’s Blue Angels flight demonstration squad is one of the best commercials for joining the military. The 6 F/A-18 Hornets perform dangerous tricks and maneuvers in perfect synchronization at air shows all around the globe These are the best pilots flying the best planes in the world doing the best stunts in the world. They fly in perfect unison 18 inches apart anywhere from 120mph to over 700mph. It’s fucking loud and it’s fucking awesome.

The Blue Angels make you proud to be an American. And not just proud, relieved. Because those are fucking military jets and somewhere in the middle east an F/A-18 Hornet has missiles and machine guns and an enemy in sight. The Blue Angels are the military’s way of saying, “Don’t fuck with me, bro.” It’s intimidation through entertainment. And it’s fucking awesome.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2012 · 10:14 am

King Kong (2005 film)

What’s the next project you tackle after you make one of the most successful film trilogies of all time, making billions of dollars and winning multiple Oscars in the process? If you’re Peter Jackson, you do a remake of a movie about a monkey that already had another remake. He could have done anything he wanted after the Lord of the Rings and he chose to spend $207 million making a movie that everybody’s already seen. And it made $550.5 million. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody are the main characters, an unsuccessful actress and a published playwright respectively, who are duped into working for a shady filmmaker played by a miscast Jack Black. They head out to Skull Island to film a movie with a ragtag cast and crew. Skull Island is a place that time forgot about, inhabited by dinosaurs, gigantic insects, and, of course, King Kong.

Kong takes a fancy to Naomi Watts and kidnaps her. Adrien Brody has to save her because he’s the hero and it’s in the script. There are lots of cool sequences on the island, and eventually Kong is chloroformed and captured and Jack Black takes him back to New York City where he opens a show with an enslaved Kong as the star.

Kong escapes and tries to find the sexy blonde woman that stole his heart and destroys a city in the process before he climbs the Empire State Building and gets shot by fighter planes. Then Jack Black says, “It wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.” But you know that’s not true. You fucking see the fucking planes kill fucking Kong. Maybe he was speaking metaphorically, but you clearly see the planes murder the monkey.

King Kong drags on a bit in the beginning. It’s more than an hour before you see Kong for the first time. It’s called King Kong. Bring on the main attraction already. Once he shows up the movie takes off. There are a couple of cool creature sequences, highlighted by the fight between Kong and three wannabe T-rexes.  There’s also an ambitious scene with stampeding dinosaurs and shoddy CG work. It could have been cool, but it looks stupid.

Jack Black is miscast. Adrien Brody has a big fucking nose. Naomi Watts is sexy. Colin Hanks has a part in this movie because he has a famous dad. There is a stupid subplot between the Captain and a young cabin boy. Andy Serkis plays King Kong and has a role as the ship’s cook. He plays CG creatures better than he plays people. The less you see his face, the better.

Peter Jackson’s King Kong is both an homage to old Hollywood films and a current reminder that people will pay money to see unoriginal movies again and again and again. It has its moments, but it’s a bloated and unnecessary production. The world did not need another King Kong movie. But we got one.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2012 · 4:09 am

Advertisements Before Movie Trailers

If you’re a movie buff and spend as much time online as I do, you might have noticed a growing trend with websites putting advertisements before movie trailers. A movie trailer is basically a glorified commercial for film. It’s offering glimpses of the best parts so that you hopefully will pay money to watch the whole thing. So advertisements before movie trailers are essentially just commercials for commercials. This is capitalism at its best.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2012 · 12:39 am

Watchmen (film)

Alan Moore’s Watchmen is regarded by many to be the best graphic novel of all time. Zack Snyder’s big screen adaptation is a valiant effort to capture the magic of the comic on film but the end result is somewhat disappointing. The comic is a perfect comic. The film is flawed and you’re a fool if you think its anywhere close to perfect.

It could have been worse though. It’s obvious that Zack Snyder respects the source material. He uses lines and scenes taken directly from the book. The whole first half of the movie is just like the comic. Then it starts deviating from it. And you realize there is no master plan involving kidnapped scientists and artists. So they had to change the ending. And fans don’t like it when you change the iconic ending to an iconic story.

Another problem with the movie is that they spend all the time establishing the main characters and ignoring the minor characters like the citizens of New York. So when NYC blows up and millions of people die, you don’t care because you didn’t know any of them. The director’s cut gives the Bernards a little more screen time, but if you only saw Watchmen in theaters you only catch a few glimpses of them.

The casting is pretty solid. Jackie Earle Haley steals the show as Rorschach. Jeffrey Dean Morgan does a great job as the Comedian, and it’s hard to play a character that you mostly get to know through flashbacks. Patrick Wilson does a good job as Nite Owl. Malin Åkerman plays a decent Silk Spectre II and you get to see her boobies (always a good thing). I don’t know about Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. His delivery is too distant and monotonous and the blue CG wang is distracting.

Some of the actors are miscast. Carla Gugino can’t pull off playing the aging Silk Spectre, and even though she’s pretty to look at, it’s not enough to hide the fact that she can’t act. The worst decision was hiring Matthew Goode to play Ozymandias. In the comic Ozymandias is a super strong athletic gymnast with an intellect off the charts. Matthew Goode can play smart well. But he’s not physically intimidating. He looks skinny and sickly like he’s recovering from chemo.

If you liked the comic, you’ll probably enjoy the movie. If you never read the comic, I doubt you would know what the fuck is going on. It’s a really dense story and the movie tries to cram twelve issues of the comic into a few hours of screen time. Shit is going to be left out, cut out, or butchered. The movie will suffer as a result. It’s not a bad movie. It’s loud. It looks cool. There’s fighting and nudity and masked vigilantes. But it’s not the comic.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 18, 2012 · 10:05 am

The Sandman: Dream Country

Dream Country is the third and shortest volume of The Sandman series. It collects issues #17-20 and each of the four stories is self-contained. Calliope is about a writer who imprisons a Muse. A Dream of a Thousand Cats explores how our feline friends experience dreams. A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream shows the premiere of Shakespeare’s play performed in front of an unusual audience. Façade is about a former hero who desperately wants to die but can’t. Morpheus is almost a secondary character in the first three stories and doesn’t even appear in Façade. Dream Country deviates from the main storylines somewhat, but it is thematically relevant, and it has some of the most memorable moments of the series.

Calliope is the first story. Richard Madoc is the author of one successful book, but he is suffering from writer’s block and is way past the deadline for his follow-up novel. He makes a trade with another writer. He gives the writer a bezoar in exchange for Calliope, who is one of the Muses from Greek mythology.

Madoc spends the next few years spending his days writing and raping his secret prisoner. Madoc gets more and more success and fame, and Calliope becomes more and more depressed. She’s able to get a hold of Morpheus and you can tell that there’s some history between the two of them. Morpheus tells Madoc to give her up, but Madoc doesn’t want to because he needs ideas. So Morpheus gives him what he wants: ideas that never stop coming. The flood of excess ideas drives Madoc crazy, but you can’t feel sorry for a rapist.

A Dream of a Thousand Cats is one of the most memorable stories in The Sandman. It’s about a secret cat meeting with a special Siamese cat keynote speaker. The Siamese cat tells an epic story about falling in love with a Tomcat, which resulted in a litter of kittens. Her owners didn’t want the kittens and killed them, and the Siamese cat grows disillusioned with being a pet.

She has a dream where she goes to the Dreaming, and finds Morpheus in feline form. Morpheus tells her that back in the day cats were in charge and humans were subservient. But then man found out that dreams shape the world and a thousand humans dreamed that they were in charge and the world became what it is now. The Siamese cat goes around spreading her message, hoping that she can convince a thousand cats to dream of a world where cats are king again. You’re gonna love this story if you’re a cat person. Dog people might also find it interesting.

A Midsummer’s Night Dream is one of those comics that gets accepted as genuine literature. It even won a World Fantasy Award, the only comic to achieve that feat. It’s probably accepted by the mainstream because it deals with Shakespeare. And it does it in a clever way. Shakespeare and his theater troupe perform A Midsummer’s Night Dream for Morpheus and some notable guests from Faerie. Gaiman makes it meta because Robin Goodfellow (Puck), Titania, and Auberon are audience members and also characters from the play. Robin Goodfellow even takes over playing himself at one point. It’s one of the most creative takes on Shakespeare to date.

Façade takes an obscure and forgotten DC character named Element Girl and shows what happens to a hero that has given up. Urania Blackwell has been forced to retire, she has no friends or family, and no reason to live other than the fact that she can’t kill herself. Her superpowers won’t let her die, and she wants to. It’s a short and depressing story that ends on a happy note when she finally dies. Death can be a good thing for some people.

Dream Country is a great introduction to The Sandman. It’s short, it’s memorable, it’s significant, and you can see if you want to read the other volumes without spoiling the main plot. You can try the flavor of The Sandman and see if it’s right for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 17, 2012 · 9:47 am

The Marauder’s Map

The Marauder’s Map is one of the most important and magical objects in the Harry Potter Universe. Harry first comes across the Marauder’s Map in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The Weasley twins give it to him out of pity because he can’t go to Hogsmeade to buy candy. The map shows the entire blueprint of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and everybody’s exact location on the grounds. It is an extremely valuable and useful tool.

The Marauder’s Map is like checking in on Facebook. They know where you are and what you are doing. It’s an invasion of privacy, but no one gives a fuck. Everyone with a Droid or iPhone already has a personal Marauder’s Map in their pocket.

Back to geeking out. The Marauder’s Map was used multiple times throughout the remaining books to advance the plot. The only thing that bugs me… Why the fuck would the Weasley twins give it away? Why would anyone give it away? You can use it to see where everyone is around you. You could use it to steal, rob, rape, and kill. Or you could use it for good. Either way is cool. But you wouldn’t ever give something like that away for nothing. That’s the most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter saga.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 16, 2012 · 10:09 am

Unsynchronized Sound

You’re watching a video on YouTube or maybe you’re still using a VCR and you notice that there’s a slight delay between the audio and the visuals. It’s not that obvious at first, but then you notice that his lips are still moving but he stopped talking a second earlier. You can’t ignore it once you’re aware of the unsynchronized sound. It’s annoying, it’s distracting, and it’s slowly driving you crazy. You can’t even enjoy porn if the sound/audio isn’t aligned. And if you can’t enjoy porn, you can’t enjoy life.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 14, 2012 · 10:36 am

The Sandman: The Doll’s House (comic)

The Doll’s House is the second volume in Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. It collects issues #9-16 and focuses on Morpheus trying to track down a Vortex that would destroy the Dreaming. While Preludes & Nocturnes is just establishing the basics, The Doll’s House story arc shows you what The Sandman is capable of doing.

Dream does a census of the Dreaming and discovers that four of his creations have escaped his realm. He must track down Brute and Globe, the Corinthian, and Fiddler’s Green.

Meanwhile a young lady named Rose Walker is learning some things about her family. Like she has an English grandma named Unity Kinkaid. It turns out that when Dream was imprisoned, Rose’s grandma was stuck in a slumber. Someone raped her, she became pregnant and the child was adopted without her ever knowing what happened. Now that Dream is back, Unity is awake and wants to make up for lost time with the family she didn’t know that she had. The family reunion is not complete; Rose has a little brother named Jed that’s been missing for a few years. Rose decides to track him down.

Rose moves into a boarding house temporarily as she starts following Jed’s trail. Her landlord, Hal, works nightclubs as a drag queen. There’s a disgustingly preppy/yuppie couple named Barbie and Ken. There’s Chantal and Zelda, an ambiguous lesbian couple with a collection of stuffed spiders. And there’s Gilbert, an older gentleman with a knack for helping Rose when she needs it the most.

Rose’s quest coincides with Dream’s quest when we find out that Jed is being held hostage by Brute and Glob. They kept Jed in their own Dreamland. Morpheus comes to reclaim Brute and Glob and Jed is free, but is soon picked up by the Corinthian.

There’s a break from the main storyline and we learn about Dream’s friendship with an immortal named Robert “Hob” Gadling. In 1389, Dream and Death stop by a small tavern and hear Hob telling his friends that he doesn’t believe in death, that we only die because we think we have to. He decides that dying isn’t for him. Dream grants him the gift of immortality and the two of them meet in the same tavern every hundred years. Hob’s story is an intriguing distraction.

Rose and Gilbert end up staying at a remote hotel that happens to be hosting a convention for serial killers. The Corinthian is one of the guests of honor. Dream’s creation has been roaming around killing people and eating their eyes. He has a thing for eyes, probably because he doesn’t have any. He has eye sockets lined with sharp teeth. He’s a nightmare and enjoys what he does. Gilbert recognizes the Corinthian and tells Rose to call for Morpheus if she’s in trouble.

Rose gets attacked by one of the serial killers and she calls for Morpheus and he comes and saves her. Then he destroys the Corinthian. Gilbert finds Jed in the Corinthian’s trunk and he’s somehow still alive.

Morpheus tells Rose that she’s a Vortex, and that she will destroy the dreaming unless he kills her. Gilbert shows up and offers to take her place instead. And it turns out that he’s not really human, he is the missing fourth creation. Before he was Gilbert, he was Fiddler’s Green. And he’s not a person, he is a location. Fiddler’s Green in a place. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Rose is resigned to her fate when grandma Unity comes strolling into the Dreamrealm. Back in the day, she would have been the Vortex, but shit got messed up when Morpheus got himself captured. Unity becomes the Vortex; Morpheus destroys her and saves the Dreaming. Rose gets to go and live with her mom and brother.

At the end of The Doll’s House you find out who raped Unity while she was sleeping. And even though I told you everything that happened, you still don’t know how it happened and that’s the interesting part.

Over the course of the book, you start seeing Rose’s reality crashing down all around her. Reality and Dreaming crash and collide and start to merge together. And you can already tell that Neil Gaiman has a master plan for his series. You can tell that he has everything planned out and that there’s no such thing as a minor character. It’s a very complex comic. Every character and every event is relevant to the overall story in some way.

I’m gonna keep saying that The Sandman is one of the best comics of all time until you read it. So get on it, because I’m tired of sounding like a broken record.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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