Monthly Archives: February 2013

February 3, 2013 · 10:53 am

Bird Shit

Shit is everywhere. It gets around. Everyday you have to worry about stepping in dog shit and getting shit on your finger when you wipe. You’re so preoccupied with shit on the ground or the toilet seat that you completely forget about getting shit on from above. That’s why bird shit is so deadly; an aerial bombardment of avian fecal matter can happen unexpectedly and ruin your day. It will get in your hair, splash on your face, land in your drink… getting shat on is a terrible feeling. But it’s a tremendous feeling when is happens to someone else. You’ll try to sympathize but you’re laughing too hard for them to believe you. Bird shit is commonly found on statues, parked cars, and recently cleaned windows. If you haven’t been bird shat on yet, you’re due and it’s gonna be a big one. Keep a wet nap handy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2013 · 9:40 am

The Closing Shift

Friday night rolls around but you can’t have fun because you’re working the closing shift. Being the closer sucks sometimes. Yeah, you have a job and responsibility and that’s good, but you’re still stuck at work all night while you imagine everyone else out getting drunk and having sex with attractive strangers. Making money is all right but it’s more fun spending it. Closing shifts mean sacrificing your evening. You ever notice that you can’t spell “closer” without “loser?” Have fun tonight, I know I won’t because I’m closing.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2013 · 9:35 am

Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez is an actor, writer, and director. He comes from a Hollywood family. His dad is Martin Sheen and his younger brother is Charlie Sheen. He could have used his dad’s stage name to break into the scene and gain a foothold. Instead he decided to keep the family name to avoid being known as Martin Sheen’s son. He was the leader of the Brat Pack and a certified movie star in the ‘80s and ‘90s. He was wildly successful, appearing in The Outsiders, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo’s Fire, Young Guns, and the Mighty Ducks trilogy. He was able to transition from a teen icon into an established Hollywood presence. Then his career stalled and he hasn’t been in anything relevant in years, and his brother’s career took off. Emilio did everything right. He worked hard, he wrote and directed his own projects, he appeared in franchises and family blockbusters, while his little brother did massive amounts of drugs and slept with prostitutes and porn stars and raised a finger to the world. And Emilio Estevez faded away while Charlie Sheen took over the world, one bad sitcom at a time. At one point Emilio Estevez was hosting the party, now he’s just lucky to be invited, and Charlie Sheen is the party.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2013 · 10:15 am

Replacing the Toilet Paper

I went to take my daily shit and noticed that somebody used up all the toilet paper except for one sheet. A single sheet of TP is useless. It’s not even enough to wipe a fart away. If you use it all up, replace it. Because I’ll use your towel next time. Replacing the toilet paper takes 10 seconds. The hardest part is making sure it hangs the right way. The sad thing is that some people still fail at such a simple task. The sadder thing is that they don’t know that they failed.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2013 · 10:09 am

Candles

Billions of people rely on candles every day, from Amish families using them for light, to people celebrating their birthdays, to desperate guys attempting to be romantic. There’s no denying the staying power of flammable wax sticks. Candles used to be a necessity, one of the few ways to ward off the darkness. Now candles are almost a novelty. You mostly find them on birthday cakes and in private bathrooms. Scented candles are good for mood lighting and masking that weird smell in your room. And they are handy in emergencies. Now you can see in the dark and smell good at the same time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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