Monthly Archives: June 2012

X-Men: The Last Stand

The X-Men are back on the big screen for the third time and Brett Ratner does everything he can to ruin everything that Bryan Singer tried to accomplish with this trilogy. Most of the main characters from the first two movies reprise their roles, but there are way too many characters to give anyone a decent amount of screen time. The end result is a bunch of mutants running around fighting each other but you don’t give a fuck about who is fighting or why.

The movie starts twenty years before the events of the main story, a middle-aged Charles Xavier and Magneto meet with a Class 5 mutant named Jean Grey. They have a brief discussion about how powerful Jean in, and whether or not she will control her power or if it will control her. The movie jumps ahead another ten years to a young Warren Worthington III as he tries to hide his mutant wings from his disapproving father.

The movie jumps to the present day as Worthington Labs announces a cure for the mutant gene. This causes a huge rift in the mutant community. Some mutants want the cure and others view it as a form of extermination. Magneto uses it as a chance to recruit more mutants to join his side. He recruits Callisto, Psylocke, Arclight, and Kid Omega (who should be named Quill, but whatever, details aren’t important).

Meanwhile the X-Men have lost Jean Grey from the events of the second movie, and Cyclops still hasn’t gotten over losing her. Shadowcat (Ellen Page) and Colossus have bigger roles on the team, and Beast (Kelsey Grammer) also joins the X-Men. Cyclops is all emo and goes to Alkali Lake and Jean reappears and the two are reunited. The joyous reunion is short-lived because Jean Grey is no longer Jean Grey, now she is the Phoenix.

Magneto keeps on recruiting more mutants to his cause. When he frees Mystique from her mobile prison, he also frees the Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones) and the Multiple Man. They join the Brotherhood of Mutants without any persuasion, as soon as they are introduced they are recruited. How convenient. When Magneto and his posse go to recruit the Phoenix/Jean Grey, they bump into Xavier and a few X-Men who have the same idea. Magneto and Xavier both try to persuade her to join their side and Xavier ends up getting disintegrated.

The X-Men are without their leader and Magneto gets ready for an assault on Worthington Labs to destroy the cure. The remaining X-Men (Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and Shadowcat) form their last stand and try to defend the island. There is a mutant battle and mutants fight and mutants die. Jean momentarily regains control of herself and asks Wolverine to kill her and the Phoenix and he does even though he doesn’t want to.

There’s a scene after the credits where it’s hinted that Xavier has transferred his consciousness to a comatose guy. If genes are responsible for mutation, this new body shouldn’t have any powers, just throwing that out there.

There are a lot more mutants in this movie than in the previous two. They add mutants without establishing who they are. Callisto, Kid Omega, Psylocke, Arclight, Multiple Man, and the Juggernaut are all new mutants and they don’t waste anytime trying to establish their characters. They literally come onscreen, say their name and mention their powers and pledge their allegiance to Magneto. Super lazy writing.

The  X-Men are also treated like an afterthought. Cyclops is barely in the movie. Rogue’s character is completely wasted. She never even obtained the ability to fly like she did in the comics… she voluntarily gets the cure and stops being a mutant. Xavier dies simply for shock value. Colossus is on the team for the whole movie, but he has fewer lines than he did in five minutes that he was in the second movie. And where the fuck is Nightcrawler? Adding Beast was a nice touch, but you couldn’t have another blue mutant on the team?

The worst addition to the franchise was Warren Worthington III a.k.a. Angel (Ben Foster). They introduce his character in the beginning, he has a dramatic escape from being forcibly given the cure by his dad, he comes to the mansion for sanctuary, and he saves his dad from falling. That’s his arc. He doesn’t join the X-Men. He doesn’t fight. He just wastes screen time and keeps other characters from getting developed.

The first two movies balanced action who deeper themes of acceptance, of tolerance, of being proud of who you are… this movie is just noise and fireworks. Ratner takes all the characters that Singer established and ruins them. He takes all the care and thought and attention to detail and casts it aside. He doesn’t care that the first two movies were foreshadowing something great, he wants explosions and meaningless special effects. And he delivers. This movie looks awesome. It’s just not coherent and the story sucks and any decent performances by the actors are lost in the chaos. This is a terrible way to end a great trilogy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Being a Dollar Short

You’re at the store and you managed to track down all the items you need and now you’re at the register and it’s time to pay. The total of all your bullshit adds up to $21.26. You have a fresh twenty from the ATM and a few coins in your pocket, but you don’t have to be a math genius to realize that you are a dollar short. You have a few options, you can either return an item or pay with plastic. And you need that deodorant just as much as you want that bag of Skittles, so you’ll bust out your debit card and pay those hidden fees. Being a dollar short sucks, but it generally won’t ruin your day.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Rookie of the Year (film)

Funky buttloving, the early 90’s had a bunch of family movies about baseball. There was Little Big League, Angels in the Outfield, and The Sandlot. There was also Rookie of the Year, the tale of twelve-year-old Henry Rowengarter who gains the ability to throw 100 mph fastballs after he breaks his arm in a freak accident. Thomas Ian Nichols plays the title character, Gary Busey plays an aging pitcher, and Daniel Stern plays the annoying pitching coach and directs the movie as well. If you didn’t see this movie when you were a kid, you probably think that this movie sucks. And you’re right. It does.

Henry Rowengarter is an average kid who loves baseball. The problem is that he sucks at baseball. He spends his days hanging out with his two friends just having fun and being a kid. He lives with his single mom, and is annoyed with her new douchey boyfriend, Jack. Henry is the worst player on his Little League team and gets made fun of. One day he breaks his arm. When he finally gets his cast removed, the tendons in his arm have constricted, which gives him the awesome side effect of being able to throw a baseball at a hundred miles an hour.

Henry discovers his new ability when he’s at a Cubs game and the visiting team hits a homerun and he throws the ball back. The Cubs are a little desperate for talent and attendance and hiring a kid with an arm like Nolan Ryan would fill the seats. Jack sees dollar signs and becomes Henry’s agent.

Henry joins the Chicago Cubs without being drafted or playing a single game in the minors or even being of legal age. In his first game he comes in to relieve his pitching idol, the fading Chet “Rocket” Steadman (Gary Busey). He gives up a homerun, hits a batter, and throws a wild pitch on his first three professional pitches, but ends up with the win.

With the help of Rocket and the weird pitching coach Phil Brickma (Daniel Stern), Henry learns how to pitch. He starts to get sucked into the glamorous lifestyle of being a professional prepubescent pitcher and starts neglecting his friends. His sleazy agent hatches a plot to trade Henry to the Yankees, but Henry finds out and fires him. Henry realizes that he was being a dick and makes up with his friends and decides that this will be his last season.

Before he quits he wants to send his team to the playoffs. He comes in to relieve his idol in the final game of the season. He pitches well, but then he slips on a ball and loses his arm. He uses his wits and cheap tactics and an illegal pitch to retire the side and send the Cubs into the post season. The movie jumps ahead to Henry winning a Little League game and pumping his fist in celebration, and the movie ends on a close-up of his World Series ring. I guess the Cubbies did it. Even if it’s fictional you gotta take what you can get.

For a movie about baseball, they sure don’t respect it. You never see Henry take a warm-up pitch. You hardly see any real baseball plays. You just see a bunch of obvious discrepancies, like Henry isn’t even eligible to play, and he’s not eligible to win Rookie of the Year because he joined the Cubs in August and you have to pitch at least fifty innings to qualify. Nitpicky stuff, but other movies like Little Big League pay attention to baseball rules and that’s kind of important in a fucking baseball movie.

Gary Busey is a great actor and he has a decent appearance as Chet “Rocket” Steadman. His character is gruff and surly in the beginning but warms up to Henry and become a father figure to him. His great transitional scene is his moment on the mound with Henry where he talks about “hattitude” in a rambling attempt at a pep talk. Daniel Stern does a pretty good job directing this movie, but he insists on ruining it by playing the most annoying character in cinematic history. He is desperately trying to be funny, but even kids can tell when an actor is phoning it in. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but you can at least try to portray a character with a little respect for the audience. John Candy plays the announcer for the Cubs. It’s not his best role, but John Candy is always a plus. He made movies better just with his presence.

This movie is kind of lame. You might have fond memories of it, but if you study this film for its artistic merit you wont find any. It has its moments, but so do most movies. If this is your favorite 90’s kid’s baseball movie, you have obviously never seen The Sandlot.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Getting Drunk Too Early

People like to party and I like to partake. But bars can be expensive, so it’s essential to pregame in today’s economy. You’ll grab some booze and a few friends to pound a few drinks to get a nice buzz going before you hit up the town. Just make sure you pace yourself and don’t get too carried away, because there’s nothing worse than getting drunk too early. You’ll get sleepy and pass out, and you’ll hear stories about all the crazy shit that you missed for the next few weeks. They could be exaggerating, but you’ll never know because you were lame and passed out before leaving the house. It’s inevitable, it’s going to happen. I’m just glad I’m not still in college so I don’t get Sharpie all over my face when it happens to me.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The Lord of the Rings is the gold standard for epic fantasies. The Fellowship of the Ring is the first installment of the trilogy and introduces us to Frodo Baggins and the other occupants of Middle-earth. Peter Jackson cares a lot about the source material, and even though a lot of stuff is left out, the film captures the tone and feel of the book.

The movie begins with a little crash course in Middle-earth history. Back in the day, the Dark Lord Sauron made himself a ring that would give him the power to take over the world. There’s an epic battle with men and Elves and Prince Isilidur manages to defeat Sauron, and Isilidur decides to keep the Ring for himself. The Ring betrays him and he dies. The ring gets lost and forgotten for a few thousand years before the creature Gollum finds it and eventually a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm) gets his hands on it.

He has it for sixty years before he leaves it to his nephew Frodo (Elijah Wood). Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) finds out that the Ring is the Ring of Power, and that Sauron’s forces are trying to get it back. Frodo must take the Ring and leave the Shire. He sets off on this journey with his loyal gardener Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin). Gandalf goes to consult with his wizard pal Saruman(Christopher Lee) where he learns that Sauron has dispatched the Nazgûl to find Frodo. He also finds out that Saruman is also working for Sauron and Gandalf gets taken prisoner.

Frodo and Sam are trying to make their way to Bree to meet up with Gandalf. They are joined by Merry and Pippen (Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd). The four hobbits are being perused by the Nazgûl, but manage to make it to Bree safely. Gandalf isn’t there to meet them, since he’s all captured and stuff, but they meet a ranger named Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen). Aragorn is an ally of Gandalf and he leads the hobbits to the Elven city Rivendell. Along the way the Nazgûl attack Frodo and stab him with a morgul blade. That’s bad. And if Frodo doesn’t get to Rivendell as soon as possible he will turn into a wraith. That’s bad. Luckily Aragorn’s Elf girlfriend Arwen (Liv Tyler) shows up to save Frodo’s life.

Frodo and his companions finally make it Rivendell. Gandalf is there and he explains how he escaped Saruman’s clutches. Uncle Bilbo is there too, and they get to have a little hobbit bonding time. Elrond the Elf (Hugo Weaving) puts together a council to determine what to do with the Ring. They decide their only course of action is to destroy the Ring by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom, right in the heart of Sauron territory. Frodo puts it on himself to take the Ring, He is joined by Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippen and Aragorn. And Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Boromir the guy from Gondor decide that they want to join the Fellowship of the Ring too. Orlando Bloom plays Legolas, John Rhys-Davies plays Gimli, and Sean Bean plays Boromir.

The Fellowship embarks on their journey, but Sauron and Saruman aren’t making it easy for them. They have to worry about spies and orcs and trolls.  Gandalf tries to fight a Balrog and ends up dying a little bit. The Fellowship keeps moving on, but the Ring corrupts Boromir and he goes a little crazy. He attacks Frodo and tries to steal the ring but Frodo escapes. And then the Fellowship gets attacked by the Urik-Hai. Boromir dies, Merry and Pippen get snatched, and the Fellowship is in shambles. Frodo decides that he must take the Ring to Mount Doom by himself. He sneaks away from the group, but Sam tracks him down and Frodo lets him tag along. It’s always better to bring a friend when you have to do something alone.

The movie does the book justice, but the book is better. The film leaves out a lot of characters (no Tom Bombadil?!?) and events. Everything gets condensed and simplified. There are a lot of differences between the book and movie, but this is more faithful to the source material than the second and third installments.

This is a great start to a great trilogy. A lot of stuff might be missing, but Peter Jackson takes you to Middle-earth. What he does show you is amazing. Tolkien’s world comes to life and it feels real. There is a sense of history, it makes the unbelievable believable.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Corn Dogs

Corn dogs are my personal favorite deep-fried food on a stick. I think that a lot of people are with me on this one. Hot dogs are good, cornbread is good, combine the two and shove a stick in it, add some mustard and you are good to go. Some people don’t like corn dogs. Some people had a shitty childhood. Corn dogs remind me of carnivals and fairs and summertime. Comfort food is good. Comfort food on a stick is even better.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

A Chick With Better Facial Hair Than Me

I am half Asian and half white. Let’s not get into specifics, it will take a while. As an Asian, my facial hair refuses to advance past the prepubescent stage. It takes about five days before you can start to notice my mustache creeping out. And so I get slightly jealous when I see a chick with better facial hair than me. I know she doesn’t want that beard, but I do, and she could share the wealth.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

The Hangover Part II

Todd Phillips returns to direct Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover Part II. The Hangover was was an amazing movie, it was totally unexpected and out of the blue. The Hangover Part II is a complete retread and copies almost everything that the first one does and puts a slight twist on it.

Two years after the events of the first film, the Wolf Pack is reunited to celebrate Stu’s upcoming wedding. Ed Helms is the guy getting married in this movie, and even though Doug (Justin Bartha) isn’t getting hitched this time and can actually join in the fun, he is still shunned and ignored and has no bearing on the plot. Justin Bartha needs to fire his agent.

Stu is getting married to Lauren, and the Wolf Pack and Lauren’s little brother Teddy have a toast on the beach with some sealed beers. The next morning they wake up and Teddy has disappeared and they find themselves duplicating the events of the first film without realizing that they have done all the same shit before.

Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifinakis stumble their way through their way through the plot, periodically spitting out semi-memorable one liners. They are trying to find out where Teddy is, and each time time they get closer to finding out his location, they get face another setback.

Ken Jeong returns as Chow, in an even bigger and more exposed role. He plays a bigger character, he actually effects the plot.

The Hangover sequel borrows heavily from the plot of the original. You can deduce what will happen and when it will happen and if you are surprised than you are an idiot and can’t pay attention. This movie is a comedy. It’s not trying to fool you.

The movie is funny but it’s not as funny as the original. They are trying to recapture the feel of the first by completely copying each scene with a slight variation. Instead of finding a baby, they find a monkey. Not the same, and not as funny.

You are trying to pretend that it’s funny and that you like it. But you are lying to yourself. It’s like going skydiving for the second time… you are just going through the motions and the thrill is gone. It’s not as great as you remember, because it was totally new the first time.

The Hangover is a great comedy. It’s funny and original. The Hangover Part II is a decent sequel to a great comedy. It’s less funny and less original. It’s tired. It’s a rehash. It’s a YouTube sequel. You could have made a better follow-up and you didn’t and I hate you for that.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Twister (film, not the awesome game)

Twister was the first Hollywood movie released on DVD. That alone is reason enough to watch this movie. Jan de Bont (Speed) directs Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister. They play a couple of storm chasers who track down tornadoes. For science.

Helen Hunt plays Jo, a meteorologist with a traumatic tornado-ridden past. Bill Paxton plays Bill Harding, her husband who shows up seeking her signature to finalize their divorce so he can marry his bitch girlfriend Melissa (Jami Gertz). Bill and Jo used to partners, both on the field and in the sack, but now Bill is out of the tornado chasing game. Jo has developed a tornado researching device based on Bill’s designs that they codenamed DOROTHY. Bill and Melissa tag along with Jo and her team of storm chasers as they attempt to launch DOROTHY before a rival team of storm chasers launch their own rip-off version of DOROTHY and steal all the credit.

Cary Elwes plays the rival storm chaser, Jonas Miller. He has a corporate sponsorship. He is like Team X-Bladz and Jo’s side is like Team Pup ‘N Suds. And if you don’t get that reference I feel sorry for you. Jonas swoops in and tries to take all the good twisters, but he doesn’t understand them like Jo or Bill. Cary Elwes has a ridiculous accent in this movie. I can’t tell if he’s trying to be Southern or Midwestern, but c’mon, you’re Cary Elwes and we know you are English and we want to hear your English accent. You don’t see Hugh Grant trying to talk like an American.

Bill is trying to move on with his life with Melissa, but he can’t escape the fact that storm chasing is in his blood. And so he returns to his old ways, and starts to go on the hunt for the chance to release DOROTHY into a tornado so that they can use science to develop an early warning system. With each new and more powerful tornado he experiences, he becomes closer to Jo and more distant to Melissa.

By the time the final and most powerful tornado shows up, a motherfucking F5, Bill and Jo are fully reconciled and Melissa can fuck off. Bill and Jo manage to deploy DOROTHY and tornadoes will never again plagued mankind. Happy endings rule.

This is a weird blockbuster. It has a bunch of actors that you recognize, but none of them are really movie stars. Bill Paxton is famous, but he’s not Brad Pitt. Helen Hunt was really big for a while but she faded away. You recognize Cary Elwes from the Princess Bride, Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. You might even recognize Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday from Lost). But most of the actors aren’t that big. The special effects were cutting edge at the time, but they look dated now. Flying cows just aren’t that impressive anymore.

Twister is an action film, but sometimes it seems like a horror movie. Especially how the tornadoes seem to stalk Jo. She can’t escape them. They killed her father and they keep coming after her. It’s pretty suspicious how each one of the twisters becomes more violent. First it’s a weak F1 which escalates into an F2, and then there’s and F2, and later an F3. Then an F4 almost wipes out Jo and her group and tries to kill her aunt. And then an F5 forms and heads straight for her and almost kills her, mirroring the F5 that killed her dad. Nature is a bitch and it hates Helen Hunt.

Watching this movie now is a trip. This movie came out in 1996 and you forget about how there was no technology back then. They storm chasers communicate by radio, not by iPhone or Droids. They have archaic computers and software to simulate weather patterns, not with iPads or knockoff tablets. Alan Ruck’s whole character could be replaced by Tom Tom or any standard GPS.

I feel like everyone has seen this movie. You almost had to. But it’s not that good. It’s really dated, it doesn’t hold up. It’s a decent story of man versus nature, but I always thought that man versus bad man with a gun is a better story.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Running for the Bus

Running for the bus is always a bad idea. If you run for the bus and miss it, now you are out of breath and slightly sweaty and you feel awkward for your desperate sprint to futility, and you are stuck waiting a few minutes for the next bus. Even if you run for the bus and reach it in time, now you are out of breath and slightly sweaty on the bus. It’s a lose-lose situation and you will never impress anyone running for the bus.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Eldest (book)

Eldest is the second book in Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle. It continues the story of a young Dragon Rider named Eragon and his dragon Saphira as they continue their fight against the forces of the evil King Galbatorix. If you like dragons, war, magic, and epic tales of revenge and honor than you’ll like these books. Paolini is a young writer, and his style is a bit easier to read than authors like Tolkien.

The story picks up just a few days after the events of Eragon. The leader of the Varden, Ajihad, is suddenly attacked and killed. Murtagh is also attacked and presumed dead. Eragon’s scar that he got from fighting the Shade causes him to have seizures a few times a day, with no way to stop them. Things aren’t off to a cheerful start. Ajihad’s daughter, Nasuada, assumes control of the Varden.

Eragon and Saphira go off to Du Weldenvarden, home of the elves, to continue training as a Dragon Rider. When he arrives he meets Oromis and Glaedr. Oromis is the last true Dragon Rider and Glaedr is his dragon. Oromis is broken though, he can only do easy spells. Glaedr is missing a leg, he too is broken. Eragon also finds out that Arya is a princess. He starts to have feelings for her, but she doesn’t feel the same.

Oromis and Glaedr teach Eragon and Saphira what it means to be bonded. Eragon and Saphira become more dependent on each other and their connection grows even stronger. The Elves have a ceremony called the Blood-Oath Celebration, and Eragon is transformed into an Elf-Human hybrid, and he gets superhuman senses and gets stronger and stuff. Even better, his back gets healed and he no longer has seizures from doing normal Dragon Rider stuff. And even though he’s kinda Elvish now, Arya still won’t have him and so he’s sad about that.

While Eragon is learning more about magic and Dragon Ridering, the story occasionally flashes over to Roran, Eragon’s cousin. Galbatorix can’t get to Eragon easily, so he sends the Ra’zac to Carvahall to get Roran. Roran leads the people of Carvahall in a battle against the Ra’zac and they manage to hold their own, but Roran’s fiancé Katrina gets snatched by the Ra’zac. Roran vows to get her back, but until then he has to protect the people of Carvahall. He decides the best way to do that is to evacuate the town and get all the villagers to leave and join the Varden.

The Varden meets the evil king’s army for the Battle of the Burning Plains. Eragon and Saphira show up in time for the battle. Roran and the people of Carvahall show up in time too. And there’s fighting and violence and suddenly another Dragon Rider appears. And it’s Murtagh! He didn’t die, and now he’s working for Galbatorix.

A lot of people compare the first book to Star Wars, and you can definitely see similarities. Eldest has a lot of similarities to Empire Strikes Back. The protagonist finds a new mentor to train him, one who is even older and wiser than the previous one. He leaves his training early to help his friends in a fight. There’s a huge revelation involving family. And basically all the characters you know and love return and there’s a few new ones, and the story gets more complex and darker.

This is a fun fantasy novel. Paolini has a very clear idea for how his universe works. This book really explores how magic works in Alagaësia. There are rules and consequences if you break the rules, like he did in the subplot with Elva, the baby that he thought he blessed but actually cursed.

If you like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones but can’t get through a chapter in those books, you should try the Inheritance Cycle. It’s not an easy read, but it’s an easier read. It’s more like Rowling than Tolkien. There’s still a lot of detail, themes, and layers, it’s just presented in a more friendly fashion.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

An Onion Ring Hiding in Your Fries

It’s late at night and you’re in the mood to eat shitty food and so you go to Burger King or maybe Jack in the Box and hit up the drive-through. You order a regular value meal because you’re too cheap to upgrade. You pay, you get your food, and you get on your way. As you start scarfing down your burger, you grab a handful of fries to shove in your mouth, but something doesn’t feel right. You look down at your handful of fries and see a golden deep-fried object. It’s an onion ring hiding in your fries. It’s like a fast food prize for adults. You didn’t pay for that o-ring, but it’s there and you’re going to eat it because you’re only human and it’s delicious. You have to be thankful for the little things in life, and that’s one of the better little things.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express is a stoner action film staring Seth Rogen, James Franco and Danny McBride. David Gordon Green directs and Judd Apatow produces. It’s about a stoner who witnesses a murder and gets wrapped up in the middle of a drug war. I hate when that happens.

Seth Rogen is Dale Denton, a 25-year-old process server who dreams of being on the radio someday. He smokes weed and buys from a smalltime dealer named Saul (James Franco). Saul sells Dale some rare weed called Pineapple Express, and Dale goes back to work. He’s waiting to serve a guy named Ted Jones (Gary Cole) ,and he witnesses Ted and a cop (Rosie Perez) kill an Asian guy. Dale freaks out, tosses his roach and goes to Saul for help.

Saul buys his weed from a guy named Red (Danny McBride), and Red buys from Ted. Pineapple Express is really rare and Ted is the supplier, so he is able to trace it back to Saul and Dale.

They go on the run. They spend the night in the woods and have a little bonding time. The next day they go to visit Red and find out if he’s told Ted anything. And he did, because he was threatened by two henchmen (Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson). Dale and Saul get in a clumsy stoner fight with Red, and they escape before Ted’s henchmen come back.

They go to warn Dale’s high school girlfriend (Amber Heard) and her family that they might be in danger. And even though her dad tries to kill Dale and Saul, he’s able to convince them to hide out a hotel.

Dale and Saul have a fight, and Dale says that they were never friends. Saul gets caught by Ted’s men and Dale decides he has to save him. He gets Red to help, but Red bails at the last minute and Dale confronts Ted’s gang alone. He gets captured pretty quickly and is reunited with Saul in a cell.

They chose a pretty good night to get captured, because Ted’s rivals, the Asians, stage a raid of Ted’s base. Saul and Dale manage to escape and they are killing their way out, while the Asians are killing their way in, and Ted’s guys are killing everyone. Even Red comes back to kill some people.

Dale, Saul, and Red all manage to survive. And they celebrate by getting breakfast and deciding to be best friends.

If you are a fan of quality entertainment, you might recall a show called Freaks and Geeks. Judd Apatow developed that show and Seth Rogen and James Franco starred in it. It’s good to see them working together again. Even Kevin Corrigan guest starred in an episode.

This movie has a few cool action scenes, but it never forgets that it’s a comedy. So the fights have gags in them. Saul and Dale don’t know how to fight and it shows. The car chase scene was completely absurd and it was really fun to watch,

As with a lot of Apatow movies, the dialog seems to flow. Everything seems improvised. James Franco and Seth Rogen are perfect for this movie, but Danny McBride steals the movie as Red. He has so many great lines. And he can’t die.

Pineapple Express is a solid comedy. People will still be quoting it in twenty years. It doesn’t take itself too seriously… that whole subplot with the Asians feels pretty tacked on and I’m sure that it’s intentional. All things considered, it’s a fun film and comedies should be fun.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Wearing Your Shirt Inside Out

Sometimes you’re tired in the morning, and not quite there mentally, but you still go about your normal routine to get ready for work. Somehow you get to work on time, you trudge through the day, and you come back home. And you realize that you were wearing your shirt inside out the whole day. And you know people saw, because people notice shit like that. And they might not have told you, but they definitely told their friend, and they definitely laughed at you.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Pulp Fiction

There are a few ways that men prove they are men. We light fires. We memorize sports statistics. And we quote Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino is movie nerd and you can tell that he knows how to make a great film. He might lift things from obscure movies, but he has his own style and voice and he makes movies that you can watch over and over again.

The movie is non linear. There are three main stories that are somewhat self-contained, but certain events and characters are common in all the segments. The film starts with Pumpkin (Tim Roth) and Honey Bunny (Amanda Plummer) staging a robbery in a restaurant, before it jumps into the first story about Vincent Vega (John Travolta). Vincent and his partner Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) are two hit men working for Marcellus Wallace (Ving Rhames). Vincent and Jules make casual conversation before they kill off Brett, some fool who owes Marcellus Wallace money. Later Vincent has to take Marcellus Wallace’s wife out to dinner and keep her company. Vincent and Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) go to Jack Rabbit Slim’s, a ‘50s style diner and enter a dance contest and they win. They have chemistry, but there’s no way that Vincent can act on it. While Vincent is talking to himself in the bathroom, Mia finds his heroin, assumes that it’s coke, and overdoses. Vincent manages to save her life and his own in the process.

The next segment is about Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis), an aging boxer who agrees to throw a fight for Marcellus Wallace. He then bets on himself to win and beats the other boxer to death. Now he’s a rich man but has to get out of town before Marcellus Wallace finds him. His girlfriend forgets to pack his gold watch, and the sentimental value is through the roof, so he has to go back to get it. He gets his watch and nearly gets away, but he runs into Marcellus Wallace and they have one of those savage street fights where you end up trapped in a pawnshop by two sadistic rapists and their pet gimp. While Marcellus is getting some unwanted attention, Butch manages to escape, but comes back to save Marcellus from getting more raped.

The last part is about Jules, and the film jumps back to Vincent and Jules shooting Brett. After the kill him, a guy that was hidden in the bathroom jumps out and unloads his gun at Vincent and Jules but doesn’t hit anything. Random fact of the day: the guy that was hiding in the bathroom is Alexis Arquette, better known as the tranny Arquette. Jules is convinced that it was a miracle he didn’t get shot. And then Vincent shoots Marvin in the face and they have do deal with that. They have to get off the road and get cleaned up. And then they get breakfast.

They get breakfast at the same restaurant that you see in the beginning, and sure enough Honey Bunny and Pumpkin are robbing the place and the movie comes full circle.

This movie requires repeated viewings. It is just so dense, and the stories are so interwoven and integrated that you will always note something new. Not only will you notice previously neglected details, but also you will be able to absorb the dialog. The dialog flows like poetry. Christopher Walken’s cameo is his best monolog on film. Harvey Keitel stands out as the Wolf and has some great lines.

The soundtrack is amazing. Tarantino has a gift for choosing the perfect song to suit the scene. He doesn’t resort to using cheesy pop hits by popular artists, and that’s why the soundtrack still holds up today.

This is a great movie. It’s a cult classic and it inspired a bunch of copycat movies. Tarantino makes movies for movie nerds. He steals stuff from other movies and doesn’t hide it or deny it. And even though he takes stuff, he still personalizes it and makes it his own. He has his own style from copying from multiple genres and it works. He makes great movies, and if Pulp Fiction is a respectable favorite movie to have.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Finding Money

You could be having the worst day of your life, but nothing makes you smile like putting your hands in the pockets of a jacket you haven’t worn in a while and finding twenty bucks. It’s like a present from your forgetful self. Sometimes you’ll be trudging along the street and you’ll notice a little piece of paper with a familiar face on it. It might just be a five, but that’s a Slurpee and some munchies at 7-Eleven. Finding money on the ground at the bar is like winning the lottery.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Boy Meets World

When I was a kid, Friday nights were reserved for ABC’s TGIF lineup. Boy Meets World was one of my favorite shows growing up. I grew up watching that show. Ben Savage is Cory Matthews, the Boy who meets the World for seven seasons, taking him from middle school to high school to college. The first couple of seasons were grounded in reality and it was a family show. Then something happened and the show became self-referential and a parody of itself. And it was awesome.

Cory Matthews is a regular kid growing up in Philadelphia. He lives with his parents Alan and Amy (William Russ and Betsy Randle), his older brother Eric (Will Friedle), and his younger sister Morgan (played by Lily Nicksay and later Lindsay Ridgeway). He spends his days hanging out with his best friend Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong) and later on with his girlfriend Topanga (Danielle Fishel). He lives next door to his perpetual teacher, Mr. Feeny (William Daniels).

At first Cory deal with issues like falling asleep in class and failing a test, thinking his mom is having an affair before realizing it’s a misunderstanding, and dealing with an embarrassing haircut. In later seasons the storylines become absurd: Eric goes to Hollywood and joins the cast of Kid gets Acquainted with Universe for an episode, Cory becomes a WWII soldier who gets amnesia, Shawn gets into college.

This really isn’t a good show. If I didn’t grow up watching it, I probably wouldn’t like it. But I did grow up watching it, and so if I’m channel surfing and catch it, I have to watch it. It’s a curse.

The show has a hazy sense of continuity. Topanga had an older sister that disappeared and she became an only child. Shawn had an older sister and a half-brother that both disappeared, but that’s cool because later he got another half-brother (Matthew Lawrence) who became a cast member. Cory’s sister disappeared for a season and came back as a different actress. Mr. Turner (Anthony Tyler Quinn) was a big character for a while, and then he got in a motorcycle accident and never showed up on camera again. Minkus (Lee Norris) was the stereotypical nerd and he also vanished for a few seasons before he popped up when they graduated from high school.

When you’re watching the show season by season you can see that it gets really bizarre. My guess is that they replaced the writers with people who had never seen the show. They just made up backstories and histories to spice up episodes, and never bothered to see if it conflicted with continuity.

The show was on from September 24, 1993 until May 5, 2000. This show was the 90’s. You get to see Cory and Shawn grow up, both physically and emotionally. They had to revamp the show a few times, and it jumped the shark quite a few times. But people love to watch a train wreck, so they kept coming back each week, for seven seasons. You can’t deny that it’s a cult classic. It’s no Saved by the Bell, but it’s still a staple of my generation’s childhood.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment