Monthly Archives: March 2012

March 14, 2012 · 2:40 pm

Man on the Moon

Milos Forman directs Jim Carrey in this biopic about the zany Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman wasn’t a comedian, he was a performance artist. He didn’t tell jokes; he had characters and tricks and would try to get real reactions from his audience. Is he entertaining the audience or himself?

When people defend Jim Carrey’s acting ability they usually name Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and/or the Truman Show. The fact is that there are a dozen actors that could have played the lead in those movies. John Cusack would’ve killed as Truman. Johnny Depp could have been Eternally Sunshining. The Majestic sucks; we don’t talk about that travesty. Man on the Moon works just because of Jim Carrey. Only Carrey has the ability to transform into the enigmatic Andy Kaufman. You forget that you are watching Jim Carrey. There are times in Truman or Eternal Sunshine where he kind of flails about and you remember that you’re watching Jim Carrey and not a movie. Jim Carrey is Andy Kaufman, you forget about Jim Carrey entirely.

Most biopics are about a very famous person, but Jim Carrey is more of a celebrity than Kaufman ever was. I was born in 1985, there’s no way I ever would have heard of Andy Kaufman if it weren’t for Jim Carrey reintroducing him to the world. Without Carrey, Kaufman might have been forgotten by my generation and the ones that follow.

The cast was great. Danny DeVito and Paul Giammatti play great supporting roles. Even Courtney Love turns in a good performance as the love interest. You can almost forgive her for killing Kurt. Almost. There are lots of cameos from celebrities in Kaufman’s life. David Letterman, Lorne Michaels, the cast of Taxi, and a bunch of other celebrities show up as themselves.

The whole movie is summed up in one simple scene. Andy is sick and dying and seeks out a psychic surgeon. He realizes that it’s just a scam artist pulling a fast one and laughs at the irony.

Kaufman was larger than life, a true original. He deceived the audience and loved messing with them. It didn’t matter if they loved him or hated him, as long as their emotions were real. Real responses and reactions make real art. The film covers a lot of Andy’s great moments, from his early standup, to his SNL appearances, to his antics as Tony Clifton, and to his final triumphant show at Carnegie Hall. When you finish watching it, you want to go online and find more of his bits and material. You want to learn more about Andy Kaufman, and that’s the sign of a successful biopic.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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March 14, 2012 · 9:33 am

Skittles Riddles

I was just saying the other day that the U.S. as a whole simply doesn’t have enough varieties of Skittles. And then my prayers were answered when I saw these. I should have asked for world peace, but I’m an American, and candy is more appealing. The gimmick with Skittles Riddles is that the colors and the flavors don’t match up. So a blue Skittle could be Apple, Watermelon, Strawberry, Punch or Raspberry. That is way too much excitement for me. I just want to eat and enjoy my candy, not try to solve a mystery that I don’t give a fuck about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 13, 2012 · 9:35 am

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

I’m trying to write a decent review of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but Phoebe Cates is demonstrating a blowjob on a carrot and I can’t concentrate. Goddamn, I miss the ‘80s.

Teen movies are a hit or miss. Fast Times is a hit. If you do a movie about high school right it stays relevant. Cameron Crowe (Almost Famous, Jerry Maguire) wrote the script and Amy Heckerling (Clueless) directs this teen comedy about a couple of students trying to survive the school year at Ridgemont High.

Like most high school movies, sex is what drives the plot. They portray sex as being something special, something common, something scary, something fun… It all depends on the character. Stacy is inexperienced and doesn’t want to be. Rat is inexperienced and wants to be. Mike is inexperienced and pretends he’s not. Linda is experienced but not by much.

Fast Times launched the careers of Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Judge Reinhold, Forrest Whitaker, Nicholas Cage, and Phoebe Cates. Sorry Shannon Elizabeth, but Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool is the sexiest teen movie scene ever. This is why cinema was invented. There is a decent amount of nudity in this movie. It’s unusual because it is a female director making a comedy geared towards teenage boys, and the two main female characters have nude scenes. They aren’t demeaning scenes, but it doesn’t do much for women empowerment.

Mike Damone is a great character. Kudos to Robert Romanus for his portrayal of the sleazy and cool Mike Damone. He seems so cool and confident, offering Rat pretty solid advice on talking to girls. He is a bookie and ticket scalper, and acts like a badass. But that’s just what it is: an act. He is just another confused high school kid trying to be more grownup than he is. He makes mistakes and doesn’t own up to them. He is an asshole to Stacy, but you still can’t hate him.

Brian Backer plays Rat, the naïve nice boy who just can’t win. He is the only character that stays true to himself. He likes Stacy, tries to woo her, has a chance and blows it, and he still doesn’t give up and gets her in the end. But he stays a virgin. That’s kind of a change of pace from most high school movies where they vow to pop their cherry and finally do.

Sean Penn plays Spicoli, the school stoner. He does typical movie stoner things like ordering a pizza to class (way before Zack Morris). He has his moments, like crashing Jefferson’s car and framing the rival school so he takes it out on them. Sean Penn is a good actor. Not in this movie. He plays a funny character, but he plays it extremely over the top. He is nonfunctional, an idiot. It is insulting to stoners. Go watch Harold and Kumar, those are real stoners, not stereotypes. I like Spicoli’s character, just not Penn’s portrayal of him.

This is a movie about high school students and high school. Fittingly there is an absence of parents. Stacy and Brad’s parents always seem to be out of town. Spicoli’s annoying brother relays messages from his parents to Spicoli. There are only a few adults shown, and they are mostly authority figures like managers or teachers. Mr. Hand is a great character. We all had a teacher like him: a strict hardass that you dislike at first and then grow to respect.

Even if you’ve never seen Fast Times, you have heard of it and see references to it all the time in popular media. The Phoebe Cates pool scene is heavily parodied. If you’ve ever called someone a “wuss,” that comes directly from Fast Times. A couple decades later, American Pie would bring us “MILF”. That is a legacy of a good teen movie: bringing new catchphrases to the world.

This is a classic teen movie, up there with Porky’s and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. This movie came out thirty years ago, and high school kids are still relating to it. Just like they will in another thirty years.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 13, 2012 · 9:31 am

Skittles Crazy Cores

Pop quiz, hotshot: what’s better than a Skittle with just one flavor? A Skittle with two flavors of course, you dumbass. Crazy Cores are Skittles with a flavored candy shell with another flavored core inside. Don’t worry, the flavors aren’t too crazy. Maybe a little wild, but not crazy. It comes in Strawberry Watermelon, Mango Peach, Cherry Lemonade, Melon Berry and Blue Raspberry Lemon. Pretty tasty, not too crazy, but definitely not tame.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 12, 2012 · 11:33 am

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (book)

The Harry Potter Saga concludes in the seventh and final book. Things are much different this time around. Harry, Ron and Hermione blow off their final year at Hogwarts and embark on a quest to track down and destroy Voldemort’s remaining Horcruxes in order to defeat him. Voldemort has essentially taken over the wizarding world, forcing Harry and his supporters to go on the run. The war has started, and you can’t help but draw parallels between this war and the Nazi takeover during World War II.

Harry has no guide or mentor anymore. Dumbledore and Sirius were both selfish and died, and Harry rejected Lupin’s help. All he has is Ron and Hermione to help keep him on the right path. The friendship between Harry, Ron and Hermione is strained almost to the breaking point. Ron has always been jealous of Harry and Harry has always been stubborn. Some shit goes down and Ron decides to bail. Harry and Hermione trek on together for a bit, but Ron’s absence is noticed. It is a relief when he comes back.

Halfway through the book, the trinamic trio is still tromping from place to place. They only have one Horcrux with no clue as to how to destroy it. They don’t even know what or where the other Horcruxes are. It makes you feel very worried, you know that the book is ending soon and they are running out of time. The final third part of the book takes place in one day. Everything that happens the morning leading up to the Gringott’s raid to the fall of Voldemort occurs in one day. Sorry I didn’t put a spoiler alert there, but if you didn’t know that Voldemort dies I feel really bad for your parents. I liked the nineteen years later epilogue as well, but I think that seventeen years later would have been better.

Severus Snape is the man. He spends the entire seven books being an enigma. You can never tell where his loyalty lies. All you know is that Dumbledore trusts him, but Dumbledore makes mistakes too. J.K. Rowling’s best character is the most mysterious, but his ultimate redemption is enough cause to go back and reread the entire series, because now you know his motivation. Certain actions make sense with this new information, whereas before they seemed out of character. His final line, “Look… at…me…,” is amazing, and I love it even more because J.K. Rowling respects the reader, and doesn’t cheapen it by blatantly stating “Harry, look at me so that I can die gazing into your mother’s eyes, oh, how I loved Lily so.”

Dumbledore’s backstory makes you look at him in a new light. He was not always a great man. He had to learn about himself, what his strengths were and what his weaknesses were. You learn about his family life, and some of his shadier moments. You aren’t sure if you can fully trust him, even though you want to. This doubt heightens the drama when Harry learns he must sacrifice himself. Is Dumbledore capable of raising Harry like a lamb for slaughter?

Harry Potter steps up in the Order of the Phoenix. In Deathly Hallows, Neville Longbottom steps up. While Harry is out running around in the woods, Neville takes it upon himself to rebel against Snape and restarts Dumbledore’s Army. He protects the other students at his own expense. He was deserving enough to get the Sword of Gryffindor (like Harry back in Chamber or Secrets), and he uses the sword to kill Nagini, a.k.a. the final Horcrux. Only the most important characters destroy a Horcrux. Dumbledore destroys the ring, Harry destroyed the diary (and himself), Hermione destroyed Hufflepuff’s cup, Ron destroys the locket, the diadem was accidently destroyed by Fiendfyre, and Neville destroys Nagini. He comes full circle, from being comic relief to being Harry’s pureblood equivalent.

It is a great book, and the best ending that she could have come up with. I will never begin to understand how she could create and finish such an amazing and magical series with the pressure of the world watching, waiting, and judging. J.K. Rowling became the first ever author billionaire. She deserves all her success and more. She didn’t invent wizards or goblins or magic wands. But she made them her own, and created a timeless story that seals its place with masterpieces of literature like the Lord of the Rings and Goosebumps.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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March 12, 2012 · 11:25 am

RC Cola

Royal Crown Cola has to be the most unnecessary cola. There’s Coke, Pepsi and weird store brand colas. But then some mediocre beverage companies want to crack into the cola market, like RC Cola or Jolt Cola. Jolt has a twice the caffeine gimmick that distinguishes it a little, but RC Cola tastes like a cheap store brand cola. It has a weird gritty taste compared to the delicious smoothness of Coca-Cola Classic. There is no reason to try this soda ever. Not even if you are reviewing it for your blog. Trust me.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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March 11, 2012 · 10:09 am

Cheez-It Cheddar Jack

These are baked snack crackers made with 100% real cheese! It says so right on the box! What a time to be alive. I’ve always been a fan of the original Cheez-It Cheddar; it’s a good alternative to potato chips. Cheddar Jack is a good flavor, it is worth trying out, but original, Tobasco and the party mix are better. Cheez-Its are good for game nights or small get-togethers; a box for yourself usually goes stale because you don’t eat them all the time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 11, 2012 · 10:07 am

The Death of Superman

This is the best selling graphic novel of all time! That doesn’t mean it’s the best! It just means a lot of people bought this comic to see how the iconic Superman died. A mysterious creature named Doomsday appears, causing a trail of destruction as he makes his way towards Metropolis.

Doomsday is unstoppable. He destroys the Justice League with little effort. His strength rivals Superman’s and with each conflict he only seems to grow more powerful. Superman tries repeatedly to keep Doomsday from advancing to Metropolis. Eventually he fails, and the two have an insane battle before they beat each other to death. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

The beginning seems really dated. This isn’t a stand-alone story; it came directly from the comics so there are a few random characters and forgotten plot lines that don’t make much sense. Jimmy Olson being Turtle Boy… ok DC, that was a memorable arc. But once the action gets going it doesn’t stop until the final panel.

This isn’t a great story really. But it is essential for any collection. You have to have the best selling graphic novel of all time. That’s a given. It is entertaining, and although it lacks depth, it is still pretty interesting to see Superman straining and struggling to defeat Doomsday. It was downright shocking to see him die. I hope he comes back!

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 10, 2012 · 10:35 am

Skittles Original

Taste the Rainbow. Compare it to Skittles. Skittles taste better right? And who eats rainbows? Gay Unicorns. That’s beside the point. Skittles are the OG fruity chewy bite-sized candies. If you are ever in doubt what candy to bring to the movie theater, you can’t go wrong with a pack of Skittles. They look a little like M&Ms but they have an “S” and not an “M” on them. S&M… just realized that. Maybe we can make t-shirts of that, anyone down? They have a few standard flavors: strawberry, orange, lemon, lime, and grape. Skittles rock, I can’t imagine my childhood without this essential candy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 10, 2012 · 10:33 am

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Mac is Back! Kevin McCallister is neglected by his parents once again, but this time he’s in the Big Apple, and he’s learning that being alone in a giant city is even more fun than being Home Alone in the suburbs. And for whatever unexplained reason Harry and Marv are free from jail and decide to go to NYC too. Good times will be had by all.

This is not a good movie. It is a good sequel in that it doesn’t shit on the original. Granted Home Alone is not a deep or clever movie, but it was fun and lighthearted, and this sequel captures the look and tone of the first one. It feels like a continuation, and not just another attempt to do the exact same thing to make more money. Ok, some parts are like that, but it’s still better than Hangover 2.

Kevin is a mischievous kid, but his heart is in the right place. He finds out that Harry and Marv plan on stealing donated money for a children’s hospital, and does what he can to stop them. He also befriends a homeless lady, and learns that she is a person, not just a scary pigeon lady. What a great message to send to kids: befriend homeless people and they will teach you valuable life lessons… about living on the street.

Not to brag or anything, but I did have a Talkboy. And it was not nearly as useful for hijinks as you would think. It was basically a waste of money. And time. I wish I still had it.

This movie has the whole “friendship knows no barriers” malarkey. There is also the whole “love between mother and son” vibe. As shitty of a mom as Catherine O’Hara is (how do you lose your kid twice in two consecutive Christmases?), she loves Kevin. She knows how scared he is, and she knows where to find him. As much as these movies are about Kevin being Home Alone, it is also about the lengths a mother will go through to get back to her son.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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March 9, 2012 · 8:53 am

Skittles Blenders

The classic fruity chewy bite-sized candies get a flavor upgrade – a crazy blended fruit flavor upgrade. They have interesting names like Strawberry Lime Blast, Melon Berry Burst, Watermelon Green Apple Freeze, Mango Lemonade Freeze and Cherry Tropicolada. I don’t know what Mad Food Scientist came up with those stupid names. Melon Berries sound like something Willy Wonka would invent. How are room temperature candies being called Freeze? And Tropicolada is too much of an extreme hybrid pun, it is way too clever for me. If you like Crazy Core or Wildberry Skittles you will like the Blenders.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 9, 2012 · 8:51 am

Batman: the Dark Knight Returns

Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns is about an aging Batman who comes out of retirement to save Gotham once again. All superheroes have been retired, with the exception of Superman. Miller wrote and drew the comic, so the text and the artwork go hand in hand. The story is harsh, and the drawings are crude, creating a used, worn tone that perfectly suits a disgruntled Batman.

Batman has been retired for ten years, but Bruce Wayne still has some work to do. A few criminals from his past have been once again wreaking havoc on Gotham City. New criminals and new gangs like the Mutants have also started a reign of terror. It’s the height of the Cold War, and the Reaganesque President, the Government and Superman are also antagonists.

Batman is a little old and a little rusty. He has to find his place in a city that has forgotten how much they need him. Fighting crime isn’t as easy as it used to be. Batman recruits a new Robin, a spunky thirteen-year-old girl named Carrie Kelly. She doesn’t follow orders well, but she is a natural fighter and saves Batman a few times. There are a few returning Batman favorites like Alfred, Gordon, Selina Kyle, Two-Face and the Joker.

The media is an important character as well. Various anchormen, reporters, interviewed experts, and eyewitness reports all chime in on the Batman issue. The reader is constantly bombarded with new reports and interviews; it makes the stakes seem higher. You see how Gotham and the rest of America is going down a dangerous path. They need a hero, and Superman is not who they need.

Superman has been relegated to being the president’s puppet. The President orders Superman to go after Batman after a few plot developments. There ends up being an epic showdown between Batman’s wits and Superman’s abilities. The final fight between the two greatest DC heroes is one of the best moments in comic history. It is clever, smart, and seems underwhelming at first, but gradually you see how it was the best way to end the story.

Frank Miller did some amazing stories before he went batshit crazy and started parodying himself. This is one of his best comics, one of Batman’s best comics, and one of the industry’s best comics. It is essential reading for a Batman fan. It’s a good time, check it out.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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March 8, 2012 · 10:19 am

Titanic

James Cameron is one hell of a filmmaker. This is a movie where you know the ending. You know that the Titanic is going to sink. You know that it is doomed, but you don’t care. This was the first movie to make over a billion dollars at the box office, it just kept making money. Everyone and their mom saw this movie. It was everywhere. It didn’t even open at number one, people just saw it and kept coming back and it blew up by word of mouth.

This movie has it all: romance, adventure, death, destruction, DiCaprio…. The special effects are a little dated, but they still hold up because the story holds up. Everyone likes to make fun of this movie. They are ashamed they saw it three times in the theater and still get mad when Rose lets go. The fact is that a movie can’t make an absurd amount of cash if people aren’t going to see it. Titanic is like Nickelback, you shit on it in public, but you know every word by heart. They write some amazing songs guys.

Titanic has a case for being the best film of all time. It won eleven Oscars out of fourteen nominations. It made over 1.8 billion dollars. It was the number one film for fifteen weeks straight (until Lost in Space came out, remember that gem?).  Of course it’s not the best film, but that’s really beside the point. This movie was a sensation, it was an event. And it’s coming out in 3D so get ready for that.

Titanic really launched Leonardo DiCaprio’s career. It wasn’t his first movie, but it was bigger than anything anyone had done before. It set the tone for the rest of his filmography; he would never do a paycheck movie. He would chose quality scripts and even if they weren’t box office sensations, at least he was always good in them. Kathy Bates gets a shout out for playing the Unsinkable Molly Brown. She had a bit part, but stands out. Billy Zane steals the film as Cal. He is a very compelling actor, and I wish he starred in more films. He’s wearing a hairpiece in this film; he’s been bald since the early ‘90s. Kate Winslet did a decent job as Rose, but it was really amazing to be a kid and see full on boobs and nipples in a PG-13 movie. Maybe that’s the secret to box office success: titties for kiddies! 

There’s a lot of corny lines that get quoted often, but the most quoted is, “I’m the king of the world!” The thing is, when you go back and watch the movie again, that line is not corny. It is spontaneous, real, and a triumphant line. All those scenes at the front and the back of the ship are cliché, but they work because Cameron makes them genuine. He knows film, and he knows how to manipulate emotions. None of his stories are unique, you’ve seen them a thousand times before, but you haven’t seen them presented like this. It’s grandeur, it’s spectacle, but it’s also relatable. You try doing that.

The Titanic hits an iceberg and begins to sink. And then you see the best and worst of humanity. You see the greedy and corrupt lie and cheat their way onto lifeboats. You see others who have given up and decide to go out on their terms. You see mothers gently caressing their kids. You see people working together and fighting each other. The best and the worst often go hand in hand.

And of course there is that ambiguous ending. Is Rose dead? Is she dreaming? Will the top stop spinning? Does it matter?

Critically Rated at 12/17

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March 8, 2012 · 10:12 am

Chopsticks

White people make fun of chopsticks because they can’t use them and because white people are racist. Oprah said so. Watching white people try to use chopsticks is a great Chinese past time. Watching white people clicking those sticks together like knitting needles, struggling to get a noodle into their mouth makes me happy. There’s something comforting in seeing white people fail miserably at being cultured. It makes perfect sense to use two sticks to pick up grains of rice. Forks are like automatic cars: they are way too easy, there’s no fun if there’s no challenge. Chopsticks are like manual cars: you have to do some work to get anywhere. It’s a rite of passage to be able to use chopsticks; you have to earn the right to eat that sushi.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 7, 2012 · 9:39 am

Sporks

Sporks are amazing. They are the brunch of the cutlery world. It’s a flying car. A spoon and a fork in one handy utensil. The future is now. Sporks combine the spearing powers of a fork with the scooping/stirring/holding capabilities of a spoon. I’m pretty sure that KFC invented them. I go backpacking occasionally, and one of the first pieces of equipment I bought was a metal spork. My life was now complete. I had nothing else to live for, so I took up heroin so I have something to do.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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March 7, 2012 · 9:38 am

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)

David Yates returns to direct his second film in the Potter Franchise, the second director to do so. This is the final film where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are students at Hogwarts, and they spend a lot of time doing school activities. A much slower film than the other ones, this is setting the foundation for the Deathly Hallows adaptation.

Warner Bros. really dropped the ball with this installment. They pushed back its release date from November 2008 to July 2009, because the Dark Knight made a billion dollars and they didn’t need any more revenue in 2008. Not only did Potter fans have to wait an extra 8 months, but the studio heavily promoted Half-Blood Prince as being in IMAX 3D. The first twenty minutes were in 3D. The first twenty minutes only. You don’t even see Hogwarts in 3D. Lame, lame, lame…. Especially since Order of the Phoenix had such an amazing 3D climax. How can you do 3D so perfectly and than butcher it so drastically in the very next film?

There is a lot of emphasis of student life in this movie. There are the usual bits with Harry riding the Hogwarts Express with Ron and Hermione and stuff, but they also show the students lounging around in the dorm. They do more homework and classwork than in the last few films. Quidditch makes a glorious return. Hogwarts itself feels like another character.

This movie is more character driven than Potter 4 and 5. It feels more like Azkaban, but with less action. It is a dark story, but is lighter than the book. There are a few nitpicky criticisms that I have. Like why do they cut so much out but add totally made up events that have no impact on the story? There was no reason to have the Burrow attacked and burned down by the Death Eaters. There was no mention of it later on in the Deathly Hallows; it was just completely unnecessary. Even worse than adding unimportant events is adding unimportant characters. Sorry cute black Muggle coffee shop chick, but you suck and we could have used some Dobby time instead of you. How come Harry and Ginny barely kissed but Harry and Cho made out for about 35 minutes in Order of the Phoenix?

The whole movie is kind of a step in the wrong direction. It is really slow and some parts are down right boring. The book was kind of like that too, but they could have found some momentum in the story. Michael Gambon’s final few scenes as Dumbledore were performed well. Dumbledore looks so tired and weakened after the cave and inferi sequence, it is almost a relief to see him pass on. One of the weakest films in the franchise, but you are still going to watch it multiple times. A bad Harry Potter film is like a bad beer… it’s not really bad, its just there are way better ones out there.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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March 6, 2012 · 11:08 am

Spoons

I will forever associate spoons with Homer Simpson: “Marge, where’s that… metal dealie… you use to… dig… food?” Spoons are ideal for stirring things or shoveling soup or cereal into your mouth. I don’t like little kids who need spoons to eat mac & cheese. Grow up, you stupid baby. I like ladles; I think a giant spoon that is just for serving is a great idea. For some stupid reason spoons are really popular souvenirs. I don’t get it. Who wants a little tiny spoon with a dinosaur or Disneyland on it? Neat, you went to the Grand Canyon. And you brought back a little useless utensil with a tiny picture on it. Kudos.

If a girl asks if you want to spoon, the correct answer is “only if we fork first.”

Critically Rated at 13/17

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