Category Archives: Entertainment

TV, Movies, etc

August 18, 2012 · 10:10 am

Batman: Haunted Knight

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale are reunited yet again for another Batman graphic novel. Haunted Knight is actually a collection of three short stories, all of which take place on Halloween night. The title is a pun, he’s a haunted knight and the stories take place on a haunted night. That’s clever; see what they did there?

The first story is called Fears and it’s about Batman facing his fears. He has a showdown with the Scarecrow and gets trapped in a giant corn maze and he almost goes crazy. But then he doesn’t and he escapes the maze because he’s the goddamn Batman.

The second story is called Madness. The Mad Hatter kidnaps James Gordon’s adopted daughter. The Mad Hatter has a twisted tea party with kidnapped kids and it’s up to Batman to stop the madness. There’s a parallel storyline involving a young Bruce Wayne and his pre-murdered mama reading Alice in Wonderland to him on a rainy day.

Ghosts is the final story and it’s a spin on A Christmas Carol. Bruce Wayne gets visited by the ghost of Halloween past (she looks like Poison Ivy), the ghost of Halloween present (he looks like the Joker), and the ghost of Halloween yet-to-be (and this ghost is a dead, decomposed Batman). The ghosts teach Bruce not to let Batman take over his life.

There is no sense of continuity between the stories. In fact, you’re not even sure when they take place. It must take place after the events of The Long Halloween storyline because Two-Face is referenced, but before Dark Victory because there is no mention of Robin. And they take place over three years because there are three Halloweens and there’s only one Halloween per year. I might have to double-check my math, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

The Long Halloween is awesome. Dark Victory is still good, but not as great as The Long Halloween. Haunted Knight is just lazy. Loeb and Sale make great comics, but even they are susceptible to making shitty ones. This is their Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You wanted to like it, you tried to like it, but they did everything they could to fuck it up and they succeeded in making it suck. It’s not terribly bad. It’s just soul-crushingly disappointing. There are a million better stories out there, and this collection is not necessary.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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August 17, 2012 · 10:02 am

The Lion King

The Lion King is one of the best animated films of all time. It is Disney’s best Pixar-less movie. It’s about a lion named Simba, and Simba is in line to be the king of the Pride Lands. Instead his uncle murders his father and takes over the throne. Simba must avenge his father and assume the throne, but first he runs away to live with a warthog and a meerkat and eat bugs.

The story starts with Mufasa and Sarabi celebrating the birth of their baby by having a monkey dangle him from a high rock over hundreds of wild animals. The baby is Simba, and one day he will be the Lion King, but for now he’s just a curious cub. He spends his days frolicking with and getting beat up by his friend Nala. His uncle is evil and wants to be king. His name is Scar and he has a scar. The writers either ran out of African names to use or just got really lazy. Either way, Scar keeps trying to kill Simba and/or Mufasa (whichever comes first). One day, after Simba and Nala barely escape Scar’s hyena henchmen, Mufasa tells him about the circle of life, how one day he will die and Simba will become king, and a bunch of other life lessons.

Scar eventually succeeds in killing Mufasa, and he makes Simba think that it was his fault. Simba decides to run away instead of dealing with his problems. Simba almost dies but he gets saved by Timon and Pumba. Timon is a sarcastic meerkat and Pumba is a stupid, smelly warthog. They decide to take in Simba and they teach him about Hakuna Matata and how to live a carefree life.

Simba grows up with them, but he can’t forget his past. One day, his old pal Nala shows up on their turf looking for food. Simba and Nala are ecstatic to see each other again and sparks fly. Nala is surprised to learn that Simba is still alive, and Simba is surprised to learn that Scar has taken over the throne and the kingdom is suffering. Nala tells Simba to get his shit together and claim the crown that’s rightfully his. Simba still thinks that he killed his dad and doesn’t want to go back and deal with his inner demons.

But then he talks to a monkey and a cloud that looks and sounds like his dead dad and he decides to go back. Timon and Pumba decide they have to help their friend and they hitch a ride back with Nala.

Simba confronts Scar and finds out the truth about Scar killing his dad and Simba learns it wasn’t his fault. Stuff happens and Simba emerges victorious and becomes the Lion King. And then he and Nala have a baby lion and the circle of life goes on.

If you haven’t seen The Lion King in a while, it’s worth revisiting. The plot is clichéd and tired and not at all unique. But it’s the characters and the dialog and the songs that make this a classic. The opening sequence sucks you in, and you know that you’re going to experience something special in this film. There are a lot of animal puns hidden in the dialog and song lyrics. Tim Rice and Elton John’s songs are great and enhance the movie, along with Hans Zimmer’s score.

The voice cast is pretty impressive. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Matthew Broderick play young and old Simba. James Earl Jones plays Mufasa, Rowan Atkinson (A.K.A. Mr. Bean) plays Zazu, Jeremy Irons plays Scar, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella play Timon and Pumba, and Cheech Marin and Whoopi Goldberg play hyenas. They originally wanted Tommy Chong to play one of the hyenas. Cheech and Chong in a Disney movie? There would have been way more jokes about the grasslands, that’s for sure. We missed out.

This is an awesome movie and it’s like a time machine that takes you back to when you used to watch it as a kid. You remember where you watched it, who you watched it with, you remember singing those damn songs, and trying not to cry when Mufasa dies.

This movie doesn’t have a great story. But it has great moments. It has great music. It has a great cast. It has great visuals. When you add those attributes up, it makes The Lion King better than what it should be. It’s now one of those movies that you have to see. If you haven’t seen The Lion King people look at you funny. No childhood is complete without seeing this movie. If you haven’t seen it by this point, you are probably going out of your way to avoid it, and that’s sad because you deserve a childhood.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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August 16, 2012 · 10:15 am

Batman: Dark Victory

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale reunite for the sequel to Batman: The Long Halloween. Both The Long Halloween and Dark Victory take place in the same canon as Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Gotham City is in the midst of a transition from crime families to masked freaks taking over the criminal underworld. To make matters worse, a new serial killer is in town, and he’s targeting cops. If that wasn’t enough, Bruce Wayne takes in a young orphaned circus acrobat named Dick Grayson.

The story picks up a few months after the events of The Long Halloween. There’s a new district attorney called Janice Porter, Sofia Gigante has taken over the Falcone Crime Family, Batman and James Gordon are still distraught over the whole Harvey Dent-turning-into-Two-Face incident, and a mass breakout at Arkham Asylum only makes matters worse. Not only does Batman have to deal with the warring crime families, but there’s a whole bunch of villainous freaks that he has to contend with too.

Alberto Falcone a.k.a. the Holiday killer is released and allowed to serve the remainder of his sentence in house arrest under the supervision of his brother, Mario. Alberto starts to hear the voice of his dead father telling him to return to his murderous ways and become Holiday again.

Shortly after Alberto’s release, Gotham City cops start being killed on a holiday each month. The killer leaves behind a hangman riddle on it, and the riddle is always on a document associated with Harvey Dent.

Naturally there are two main suspects as to who the Hangman killer is. It is either Harvey Dent, because everything is related to him, or it could be Alberto Falcone, because all the murders are happening on holidays. Or it could be someone else entirely. Just saying.

The personal lives of the main characters are shattered. Bruce Wayne/Batman is more isolated and alone than ever before. James Gordon has been promoted to Commissioner but at the expense of his marriage. Both men miss their friend Harvey Dent and still feel betrayed by him.

While dealing with a mafia war and a bunch of freaks, Bruce still finds time to go to the circus. But it’s not a fun night because a gangster ends up killing two trapeze artists to send a message to the circus owner; in the process Dick Grayson ends up orphaned. Bruce Wayne takes him in because he feels responsible, obligated, inclined, whatever, to take care of this young kid and teach him to hate the world and fight crime in an elaborate costume.

This comic feels like a continuation of The Long Halloween in a lot of ways. The plot is very similar. A guy is killing people on holidays and Batman has to find out who, and at the same time he has to deal with gangsters and mobsters and villainous freaks. The twist is that this time, the killer is killing cops and not mobsters. And then they tacked on a Robin origin story to spice things up.

Batman has to decide which side Catwoman is on and if she’s trustworthy again. He has to fight the Joker again. He has issues with Two-Face again.  The Scarecrow shows up. And Solomon Grundy. And the Calendar Man. And the Riddler. And a few more. It’s easy to mix up plot points between The Long Halloween and this story. It doesn’t feel as much like a continuation as much as a rehash. It’s good, but it’s not as good and nowhere as original. It’s worth reading. It’s not the best Batman story, but it’s one of the better ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 14, 2012 · 9:07 am

Using a Blanket to Mark Your Turf

If you’ve ever gone to an outdoor concert or festival, you’ve probably noticed a few groups that bring in beach towels or blankets to sit on. They stake out a spot where they can spread out their blanket, and that little plot of land becomes their territory. If you bring a towel you have a spot to lay down between sets, you have a place to leave your bags, you have a set meeting spot (I’ll meet you at the blanket). This is all perfectly acceptable behavior as long as there’s no music and you’re not too close to the stage. But if everyone around you is standing and/or moving to the beat and your ass is still parked on your blanket, it might be time to stand up and pack up your shit. There’s no point in bitching at a steady stream of strangers for stepping on your precious blanket. Yes, it is rude to step on someone’s personal belongings. But it’s also rude to claim ownership over public property by spreading out a blanket when everyone else is crammed together. Using a blanket to mark your turf is a smart idea, but you can’t be selfish about it. Drunk, stoned, and fucked up people have a right to dance and walk around during a set without worrying about stepping into your personal space. If you don’t like crowds, you shouldn’t be at a concert. That’s why they invented personal music players.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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August 13, 2012 · 8:59 am

Outside Lands 2012

The San Francisco Outside Lands Festival has come and gone again. The festival is held each year in Golden Gate Park and features multiple artists on multiple stages. The 2012 lineup featured such diverse acts as Beck, Of Monsters and Men, Foo Fighters, Andrew Bird, Justice, Alabama Shakes, Explosions in the Sky, Big Boi, The Kills, Passion Pit, Sigur Ros, Fun., Franz Ferdinand, Regina Spektor, Jack White, Santigold, Bloc Party, Dispatch, Skrillex, and the main headliners were Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Metallica, and Stevie Wonder. That’s a pretty good fucking lineup in a time when most festivals are becoming more mediocre. Coachella was so desperate for talent that they had to resort to booking holograms of dead rappers.


This is my fourth Outside Lands in five years and I live ten minutes by foot from the main entrance. I’m not trying to toot my horn, but I’m pretty much an Outside Lands expert at this point. So believe me when I say that this year was a shit show. It was fucking crowded. And that fucking sucked. I was there pretty much the entire festival. I got there around 1:00 the first day and was surprised at how busy it was. There were already lines for the bathrooms and for food. Fridays generally start getting crowded around 5:00 or 6:00, but it seemed like everyone was anxious to get in early.

I saw the two-man band Tanlines, and they put on a decent show. I headed over to the main stage, Lands End, to catch Fitz and the Tantrums, Beck, Foo Fighters, and finally Neil Young & Crazy Horse. Fitz and the Tantrums had everyone moving, even if their songs aren’t as well known. Beck played a lot of old stuff, including Loser and Devil’s Haircut, but he played a few slow songs in a row, including Lost Cause, which kind of put a damper on the mood. Dave Grohl and the rest of the Foo Fighters were great. They had a ton of energy and had everyone jumping and singing. They played a lot of old stuff and some new stuff, but everyone was feeling it.

Neil Young is old. He looks old. He doesn’t act old. He was constantly bobbing and moving to the beat, running and jumping, and generally sweating his geriatric nutsack off. He played a lot of old and obscure stuff, with a few recognizable songs thrown in to pacify the crowd. He refused to end songs and every other song had to have a ten-minute guitar solo. It got old real fast. He seemed like he was just trying to fill a two-hour set at times. I know you’re a legend, but you don’t have to be full of yourself. You’re not Clapton or Dylan… you occasionally hang out with Crosby, Stills, & Nash, but you’re not that cool.

Saturday was ridiculously busy. There were people everywhere all day long. It was almost impossible to find anyone. You had to be wearing something distinctive or be near a landmark or a recognizable flagstick. Security was pretty strict that day. They took away my Captain Morgan. That was pretty disheartening. I saw Geographer, Alabama Shakes, Big Boi, Passion Pit, and Metallica. Geographer was all right, admittedly they aren’t one of the bands that I listen to or have heard of before, but they were pretty good. Alabama Shakes was super crowded. They had a ton of people crammed together to watch them, and I listened to a few songs before my group got claustrophobic/pissed off and we left a little early. I liked what I heard, but we were too far away to get close and to get into it.

Big Boi was supposed to play Outside Lands before, but he got arrested and couldn’t make his gig. This time around he kept referring to the “technical difficulties” that kept him from playing last time, so he would take requests and also play new stuff. He played a few hits from the OutKast days like Bombs over Baghdad and Ms. Jackson. A little hip-hop is refreshing in a lineup like this. Passion Pit had everyone dancing and grooving along. Metallica was super loud and had fire. And a bunch of hits that everyone can scream along to. The fire was awesome. I’m still pissed that they shut down Napster.

Finally Sunday rolled around, and the sun still hadn’t made an appearance all weekend. We hoped that it would come out, but it stayed cloudy and overcast pretty much the whole day, with the occasional glimpse of blue sky. I started the day by catching the end of Allen Stone. What a delightful weird looking white guy. I stuck around the main stage for Fun., Franz Ferdinand, and Regina Spektor. Fun. played a great set. They really lived up to their name. Lead singer Nate Ruess was genuinely having a good time performing and it showed. They really got the crowd going, and that was one of the best acts of the day. Franz Ferdinand also got the crowd going, and everyone was having a good time. Regina Spektor was good, but it’s a slower style of music, so people were more mellow during her set.

Santigold was next on my list, and that was a great show. Everyone was dancing and singing and moving to the beat. One of the highlights was when she invited a bunch of audience members to dance on stage for a song. Bloc Party was next. They put on a decent set, but their sound was distorted. It got better as it went on, but it wasn’t as impressive as I hoped it would be.

Like most of the Outside Landers, I ended the day at Stevie Wonder. Quick fact of the day: Stevie Wonder is a blind musician. He played a bunch of songs, because he’s been around for a while and he has a bunch of songs. He even got up and walked around the stage being lead by one of his backup singers. It was very awesome and slightly awkward.

Outside Lands 2012 had a great lineup and lots of things to see, but it was really crowded. I mean super fucking crowded. At times it was not enjoyable with how many people there were. The bathroom situation was a nightmare. A lot of people (either the smart ones or the really fucked up ones) resorted to pissing in the bushes or behind the portapotties. It seems like Outside Lands is getting too big. I might skip out on it next year, but it all depends on the lineup. It always depends on the lineup.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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August 11, 2012 · 10:10 am

Forgetting Your Ticket

You hear about an awesome festival with a fantastic lineup on an ideal weekend and so you buy your tickets a few months in advance and request the time off of work. You mark the dates on the calendar and your anticipation builds as the days slowly pass until it is finally time to rock out. You’ve been planning everything out: you know which bands you’re going to see, you recruit friends to join you, you pack your bag with some snacks and stash a few joints and a flask in a hidden compartment, and you start to make your way to the concert. You’re feeling pleased and excited and slightly buzzed because you were pregaming. And then you realize that your ticket that you bought months ago is still tucked away safely in your drawer. Forgetting your ticket is worse than leaving your kid behind at Chuck E. Cheese. You feel like an amateur. You feel like you’ve failed. And you did.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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August 10, 2012 · 10:16 am

Batman: The Long Halloween (comic)

The Long Halloween is a semi-sequel to Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Writer Jeph Loeb continues the tale of a Gotham City that is still partly controlled by mobsters and gangsters, but more and more crazy Batman villains are starting to make their voices heard. A serial killer is slowly killing off members or the Falcone crime family on holidays and Batman has to find out why. He enters a crime fighting pact with Police Captain James Gordon and the new district attorney, Harvey Dent. Over the course of the 13 issues, Harvey Dent transitions himself from a moral and upstanding person to a psychotic villain known as Two-Face. If that spoiled anything for you, I’m not fucking sorry. Everyone knows that Harvey Dent becomes Two-Face.

A notorious mobster named Carmine “The Roman” Falcone tries to get Bruce Wayne to get the Gotham City Bank to launder money. This sets off a chain of events where Batman starts to investigate that Falcone family, allying with James Gordon and Harvey Dent in an attempt to stop organized crime in Gotham.

On Halloween, Jonny Viti (The Roman’s nephew) is shot and killed by an unknown assassin. Each month the killer returns to wipe out another mobster on a holiday, each victim is associated with the Falcones.

Batman, Gordon, and Harvey Dent become intent on catching the killer, who they start referring to as Holiday. Catwoman is constantly spying on Batman and always seems to be present when he’s meeting with Gordon and Dent, or whenever he’s creeping around at nighttime doing his Batman duties. Haha, Batman doodies. Batman’s not sure which side she is on, but he’s got bigger fish to fry.

Harvey Dent finds a link between the Falcone family and the Wayne family that results in Bruce Wayne getting arrested. That puts a slight damper on Batman’s relationship with Harvey Dent.

The crime war between the Falcones and their rivals, the Maronis reaches the point where Maroni agrees to testify against The Roman. Instead of a damning testimony, he hurls acid into Harvey Dent’s face. And Harvey Dent goes crazy and becomes Two-Face.

So now Batman has a new crazy villain to deal with and he still has to find out who the Holiday killer is. And there are a lot of suspects. And there’s a twist so brace yourselves.

Not only does Batman have to deal with the Falcone mobsters and the Maroni mobsters, but there’s a virtual who’s who of Batman villains that make appearances. Catwoman, the Joker, Two-Face, the Calendar Man, Solomon Grundy, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, and Poison Ivy all show up. Even though there are a few sideshows, the main storyline is tight and focused. Just sit back and enjoy where the story takes you.

Tim Sale’s artwork is gorgeous. Loeb and Sale worked together for a few projects; this is one of their better collaborative efforts (check out Superman for All Seasons for a good Superman read).

If you’ve seen any of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy (and I’m assuming you have, because who hasn’t?), then you will notice a lot of things that the movies took from this comic, especially in The Dark Knight. This story is better than The Dark Knight. It’s a murder mystery that can only be solved by the world’s greatest detective and he dresses up like a bat when it’s dark outside.

This is one of the best Batman stories ever. And one of the best comic book stories ever. It’s just a great story period. So read it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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August 8, 2012 · 8:28 am

The Wounds (film)

The Wounds is a Serbian film that I never would have heard of if it weren’t for a Serbian guy that I work with. It’s about a kid named Pinki growing up in Belgrade with his best friend Švaba during the Yugoslav wars. The two friends embrace the criminal lifestyle and their only goal is to be infamous. They evolve from kids into criminals over a few years and the movie is realistic and depressing and you are compelled to watch.

A lot of the movie gets lost in translation. This is a period piece as much as it is a gangster film, and I’m admittedly a little rusty on my Serbian history. But one thing that is universal are characters and emotions. You know who these characters are and you know what they are feeling. And when shit happens to them, you can relate to them.

The movie begins with Pinki riding shotgun with Švaba. The conversation is somewhat casual, but you can’t help but notice that Pinki is riddled with bullet holes and there is an air of tension between the two. The movie flashes back a few years to a younger Pinki and Švaba as they joyfully bully their tagalong friend, Dijabola. They constantly pick on him and ridicule him and throw fucking rocks at his head and laugh as the tears and blood run down his face.

Dijabola’s sexy mom is a TV reporter that works for a show called Puls Asfalta (or Pulse of the Asphalt). She interviews notable persons of the criminal underworld and she turns them into stars. One criminal named Dickie wants to be on the show desperately, and he’s crazy enough to get on it. He introduces Pinki and Švaba to crime and mentors them to be as crazy and ruthless as he is. The time comes when he teaches them everything he can and they no longer need him.

The friends descend deeper and deeper into despair and killing and violence means nothing to them. They only want respect and they try to get it by appearing on Pulse of the Asphalt. They both want to get with Dijabola’s sexy mom and the jealous feelings cause Švaba to shoot Pinki a few times, and the movie is back to the opening scene. Now you now why Pinki was all shot up and why there was so much tension. But the movie’s not over yet. Now you have to experience the climax. Instead of telling you what happens, you should just kill an hour and forty minutes and just watch it now. You’re not that busy, so here you go.

This movie is comparable to City of God. But in The Wounds the main character embraces crime and celebrates it. In City of God, the main character resists crime and fears it. Pinki is not a bad kid, but he still chose to be a criminal. He’s not as coldblooded as Švaba, but he doesn’t back down from anything,

The movie is very sexual. I guess sex and violence go hand in hand as far as entertainment is concerned, but still, holy shit, this film is sexual. Pinki starts by stating proudly that he masturbates, and he does so furiously and frequently. As he starts to rise up the criminal ranks, he starts fucking prostitutes. In front of Dickie and Švaba and Dijabola. And they’ll take turns and watch each other and comment. Pinki and Švaba go skinny dipping together and have no qualms about being naked together but will still insult each other by calling the other one a faggot. Pinki never has a girlfriend. He’s had sex, but he’s never made love. And there’s a difference.

There is a whole subplot involving the family lives of the two friends. Pinki lives with his parents. His dad is stuck in a dead end job in the military. He gets no respect and not much of a paycheck. When Pinki turns to a life of crime, his dad is desperate enough to ask him for work. Švaba lives with his grandma, and there are quite a few funny scenes with her as she ingests drugs and partakes of their lifestyle in the sweet and innocent way that only old ladies can accomplish. When she asks for a cigarette, they offer her a joint and call it an American cigarette. When she sees Pinki doing lines of blow and asks if it’s prescription, he responds it’s Columbian and she joins in.

This movie is subtitled, but it still sucks you in. After a few minutes you are hooked. There are a lot of references to Serbian history that will go over most people’s heads (including my own), but that doesn’t make this movie any less impactful. The movie ends on a down note. It’s not a happy way to sum up the story. But it’s the realistic way to end it. That’s how it ends for most people that choose that lifestyle. I’m trying to be vague here. Just watch it and see how you feel. By the way, the main actor died in 2000 while serving in the Serbian military under mysterious circumstances. You should honor his memory by seeing his work. I can honestly say that this is the best Serbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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August 8, 2012 · 8:18 am

Killing Time on the Internet

There are quite a few websites on the Internet these days. Over a thousand by some estimates. So while in the old days when people would go outside or socialize with a friend face to face, these days people surf the World Wide Web. Killing time on the Internet is quickly becoming a pastime. Instant gratification is supremely satisfying. If you are unsure how to pass time before work or bedtime, there’s YouTube and Google and Wikipedia and Facebook. For some people there’s still AOL. I don’t know why, but it’s still there. There’s a lot of porn out there too apparently. I’m going to have to look into that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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August 6, 2012 · 7:04 am

City of God (film)

Some movies change your life. This is one of them. It’s the story of a kid named Rocket and his struggles to escape the crime and gang activity that surrounds him in the City of God. It’s a Brazilian film and all the dialog is in Portuguese with English subtitles. A lot of people are thrown off by movies that require reading, but this is one of the best movies of all time, so don’t let a little reading deter you from experiencing this film.

The movie starts with a chicken escaping some gangsters. That’s the ideal way to start any movie by the way. The gang is running after the chicken and they cross paths with Rocket, our main character and narrator. Rocket thinks that the gang wants to kill him and the films jumps to a flashback to explain why.

It begins with the tale of the Tender Trio who spend their days doing small robberies and heists in their slum town called the City of God. Rocket’s older brother is Goose is one third of the trio, the other members are Shaggy and Clipper. The Tender Trio share their loot with the citizens in exchange for protection from the police. A young hoodlum named Li’l Dice wants his shot at the big time and he plans a hotel robbery with the Tender Trio. He’s too young to participate so they make him the lookout. Instead of keeping an eye out, he shoots the fuck out of the hotel occupants. The slaughter draws the attention of the cops and marks the end of the Tender Trio and the rise of Li’l Dice.

The movie jumps forward a few years to the ‘70s. Rocket is busy trying to stay out of trouble. He’s developed an interest in photography but is more preoccupied with losing his virginity. Li’l Dice is more preoccupied with power and wants to control the City of God. He changes his name to Li’l Zé and starts to kill off all the drug dealers to get their turf and customers. Li’l Zé’s partner in crime is Benny. While Li’l Zé is ruthless and cruel, Benny is popular and cool. He’s still a gangster, but he’s not bloodthirsty.

Zé takes over all the competition, except for a dealer named Carrot who is friends with Benny. There’s a brief period of peace for a minute, but then a gang of street kids called the Runts don’t respect the fact that there’s a new boss in town. Zé has a recruit kill a Runt to send a message. Zé also decides that he wants all the turf and wants to kill Carrot, the only thing stopping him is Benny.

Benny dies because that’s what happens when you live by the gun. And Carrot knows that Zé wants to kill him, so he starts to recruit an army. Carrot joins forces with Knockout Ned. At one point Knockout Ned was a peaceful citizen, but then Zé raped his girlfriend, killed his brother, and tried to kill Ned. So there’s a little beef between the two.

The movie moves into the ‘80s, with Carrot and Knockout Ned’s army continuously engaged in combat with Zé’s army… the sides keep recruiting and getting more firepower and the violence continuously escalates. Rocket gets an opportunity to photograph Zé and it gets published in the newspaper. Rocket thinks that his life is now in danger, and the movie comes back full circle to the beginning with Li’l Zé’s gang chasing a chicken and running into Rocket, and him fearing for his life.

What happens next is cool and I won’t give it away. But you should have seen this movie already. In fact, why haven’t you? It should be required viewing. That’s my new rule; you can’t watch any more movies until you see this one.

On the surface, the movie is about crime in the slums of Brazil. If you dig a little deeper, you realize that’s its just the exploits of a horny kid trying to get laid in the slums while occasionally having run-ins with the criminals that control his city. He’s on a quest to lose his virginity, but he doesn’t try very hard and often sabotages his chances.

Most of the actors aren’t actors. The majority are from real slums, some even from the real City of God. They were sent to actor’s workshop for a little while so they wouldn’t suck on camera, and the end result is a film that feels real, that feels like a documentary. Some of their performances will haunt you.

See this movie. Right now. It’s practically a perfect movie. The only downside is that it is subtitled. If it weren’t for my occasional drunken laziness influencing my rating, this would be a perfect score. If you are tired or drunk you don’t want to deal with reading subtitles. But if you are alert and sober, give it a go.

Critically Rated at 16.5/17

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August 4, 2012 · 9:31 am

Brisingr (book)

Brisingr is the third installment of Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle, an epic saga of a young Dragon Rider named Eragon and his dragon, Saphira, as they take on the evil King Galbatorix and try to restore freedom to Middle-earth… I mean Alagaësia. Alagaësia is a land of magic, elves, dwarves, witches, and dragons. You can’t forget about the dragons.

The book starts off a few days after the events of the second book. Eragon and Saphira are helping Roran (Eragon’s cousin) rescue his bride-to-be from the clutches of the evil Ra’zac. They kick some ass and rescue Katrina and Eragon finally gets to kill the creatures that killed his uncle. Revenge is sweet.

Roran and Katrina consummate their relationship, and so there’s a slight rush to hurry up and tie the knot so as not to taint Katrina’s honor. Eragon performs the marriage ceremony, and then has to leave to oversee the election of the new Dwarf king. Eragon narrowly escapes an attempted assassination by a dwarf clan, which helps give Orik, his friend and ally, enough votes to secure the crown for himself.

Eragon realizes that he’s still pretty fucking stupid and weak compared to Galbatorix. So he and Saphira go back to Ellesméra for some additional training with his mentor Oromis and his dragon Glaedr. Oromis and Glaedr teach Eragon about the source of Galbatorix’s power. Long story short, he’s been collecting Eldunarya, which are basically dragon souls. Dragon souls are powerful and they make you more powerful. That is how Galbatorix was able to defeat the Dragon Riders and also how he’s able to control Murtagh and his dragon, Thorn.

Eragon also uses his time in Ellesméra to make a new sword, a proper sword. A Dragon Rider’s blade is like a light saber; it’s your personalized weapon. You can use someone else’s but it will never be as powerful as your own. It’s the same concept as the wand choosing the wizard. Eragon is able to manipulate the elven sword smith into making him a new sword, which he dubs Brisingr.

With a new sword in hand, Eragon and Saphira fly back to join the Varden as they are in the middle of a battle. Eragon and Saphira show up in the nick of time and they do some damage and kill soldiers and stuff. He rescues Arya from certain death and they discover some bad magicians trying to conjure up a Shade. And then Arya kills the Shade and there’s no damage done.

The first two books have a lot of parallels to A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. They seemed like Star Wars meets Lord of the Rings. This book starts to take it in a new direction. For one thing, this book is a lot more political than the first two. Nasuada, the leader of the Varden, becomes more powerful politically and starts to play a bigger role. You get a glimpse of how the dwarves elect a king and how their society functions. Eragon has ties to the Varden, to the Dragon Riders, to the elves, to the dwarves… he must tread carefully and not step on any toes.

Eragon and Saphira spend a lot of time separated. The first two books they are practically always together. In Brisingr they are often on opposite sides of Alagaësia. There is a bond between a Dragon and its Rider, often times they act as one being. So when they are separated they feel a sense of isolation that in not fathomable.

The Inheritance Cycle will never be a classic like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or the Boxcar Children. But they are worth reading if you like magic and dragons and geeky shit like that. Christopher Paolini’s Alagaësia is a hodgepodge of fantasy clichés and characters. But he makes it his own. You will see a lot of similarities between his work and other works, but nothing is truly original anymore. Everything is a remix these days.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 3, 2012 · 10:34 am

Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt is David Spade’s best movie that doesn’t costar Chris Farley. David Spade plays Joe Dirt, a simple redneck janitor who has a mullet wig and an incredible life story. He is a loser and the world shits on him, but somehow he manages to stay positive. Director Dennie Gordon is able to make this lowbrow comedy somehow relatable. If you liked Forrest Gump but felt that it needed more scenes involving dog’s nuts getting stuck to porches, you might want to check out this movie.

This is not a good movie. It will never win any Oscars and it isn’t trying to. It’s a stupid movie and it embraces that fact. Joe Dirt is working as a custodian at a radio station when a producer sees how much of a hick he is. The producer works for Zander Kelly (Dennis Miller), a Howard Stern-type radio personality. Zander starts to interview Joe Dirt on the air, openly mocking him while discovering what makes Joe Dirt tick.

Joe reluctantly starts telling the story of his life. When he was born he was missing the top of his skull, so his parents stuck a mullet wig on his head and they fused together. His parents hated him from the start and named him Joe Dirt instead of giving him their last name. And to top it off they abandoned him at the Grand Canyon when he was eight.

Joe grows up bouncing around from foster home to foster home before he settles down in picturesque Silvertown for a few years. He meets a girl named Brandy (Brittany Daniel) and he spends his days frolicking with her and her dog Charlie, all the while trying to avoid her drunken father and Kid Rock.

Joe has a desire to find his birthparents and sets out on a mission to find them. He bums his way around, meeting a Native American and Christopher Walken and getting captured by a serial killer. As Joe keeps spewing his tale to Zander, more and more listeners are tuning in, fascinated by this upbeat hick and his zany adventures.

As Joe’s story become a national sensation, questions arise about Brandy’s intentions after it’s revealed that she hid the truth about Joe’s parents from him. Some people think it’s because she’s a bitch, but it’s really because she loves him.

Joe’s quest for his parents was sparked by his need for a home, for a family, for people who love him. And he realizes that he already had that, back home in picturesque Silvertown. And Brandy loves him, so it’s also convenient to go back.

David Spade mostly plays a sarcastic asshole. He has a very insulting comedic style; his characters are constantly belittling and putting down other people. But Joe Dirt is a nice guy who gets bullied instead of doing the bullying. Finally David Spade gets a chance to show his theatrical range.

You either like this movie or you don’t. It’s not the best comedy ever, but it’s funny enough. There are a lot of good quotes and some funny gags. It’s one of David Spade’s best movies, and I know that’s not saying much, but it’s better than anything starring Rob Schneider. That’s not worth much, but it’s still worth something.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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August 1, 2012 · 9:01 am

Groundhog Day (film not the day)

Bill Murray is awesome. Totally fucking awesome. And sometimes he makes movies. Some people think that Ghostbusters is his best film. Some people are wrong. His best movie is actually Groundhog Day. Harold Ramis (Egon from Ghostbusters) directs this fantasy about a weatherman who gets trapped in time, doomed to relive his least favorite day of the year: Groundhog Day.

Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, a cynical weatherman who dreams of moving forward career wise but finds himself stuck in a rut. He goes to Punxsutawney, PA to report on the yearly Groundhog Day festivities with his producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and his cameraman Larry (Chris Elliott).

Phil is miserable. He complains about everyone and everything. He finds himself on assignment in Punxsutawney, PA reporting on a rodent with the same name as him. You know the routine, if Phil the Groundhog sees or doesn’t see his shadow then winter will or wont happen. Whatever. Somehow Phil the Weatherman finds himself repeating the same day. Over and over again.

At first he slowly pieces together the fact that he’s not going crazy. Everyone keeps doing the same thing, and he realizes that he’s not experiencing an extreme case of déjà vu.

He does what you would do if you find yourself reliving the same day over and over again. He explores all the possibilities the day has to offer. He tries to kill himself to no avail. He hits on the random girls around time. He hits on Rita. Eventually he falls in love with Rita. He uses his time loop to learn as much about Rita as he can. He learns to play the piano, he teaches himself French poetry, and he tries to make himself her ideal man.

Phil starts to explore every aspect of the day. He meets all the citizens of Punxsutawney and uses his knowledge for good and evil. He saves lives and he steals money. He manipulates people some days and helps them the next day, even though it’s always the same day. At one point he declares himself a God. But he eventually learns his place… he has to do things the right way for the right reasons before he’s allowed to escape his prison.

Groundhog Day is a perfect film. It’s a comedy, but it has an interesting philosophical message. It’s deep. It’s layered. It has Bill Murray in his prime. If you were trapped repeating the same day over and over again, this is what it would be like. It’s a fantastical, pseudo-documentary. It’s about life. You have hopes, dreams, despair, doubts, schemes, plans, backfires, monotonous repetitions and spontaneous miracles.

Groundhog Day is a universal film. Everyone knows what it’s like to be stuck somewhere that you don’t want to be. You want to escape, you can’t always succeed but sometimes you can. And that’s why you try. If you could only repeat the same day forever you might realize what life is all about.

At one point Phil is intent on saving an old homeless guy who seems doomed to die. A nurse tries to explain “Sometimes, people just die.” Phil replies, “Not today.” He can’t avoid the old man’s fate, but he keeps trying to save his life. You can’t control what happens, but you can control what you do, and that’s what matters.

Groundhog Day is a movie that you can watch with anybody. With your friends, with your family, with a girlfriend or casual acquaintance. There’s something for everybody. If you haven’t seen it, I feel sorry for you. Watch it now and I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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July 31, 2012 · 10:00 am

Moon (film, not our satellite)

Moon is a unique film. Sam Rockwell plays an astronaut working for a lunar mining company. He’s been living in isolation on the dark side of the moon for almost three years with only an A.I. program called GERTY for company. He’s nearing the end of his stint on the moon, but things hit a snag when a clone of himself shows up. Director Duncan Jones does amazing things with an actor playing two versions of the same character and a robot voiced by Kevin Spacey. It’s a down-to-earth sci-fi character study set on the moon. And it works somehow.

Astronaut Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell) is living on the moon, working for the Lunar Industry corporation. He spends his days mining Helium-3, Earth’s main energy source. He’s alone, except for GERTY, his helpful A.I. program and taped messages from his wife Tess, who is eagerly awaiting his return back on Earth with their baby daughter, Eve. Sam starts suffering from headaches and starts blacking out and accidently crashes his lunar vehicle.

He wakes up back in his lunar base and overhears GERTY having a live conversation with Lunar Industries execs trying to keep him from going outside. And so he goes outside, and comes across the site where he crashed the lunar vehicle. He starts exploring the scene and finds someone inside the vehicle. He brings him back to base, and it turns out to be Sam Bell.

The Sam Bell that was rescued from the crash site is the original Sam Bell that we first met when the movie started, the Sick Sam. The Sick Sam thinks that the New Sam is a clone. The New Sam thinks that the Sick Sam is the clone. The New Sam is more aggressive, while the Sick Same is more passive and mellow. They try to come to grips with the situation by fighting and playing Ping-Pong. New Sam suspects that maybe they are both clones and GERTY confirms the fact.

The two Sam clones start to work together to uncover the truth behind their existence. The movie explores how you would act if you found out that your life is a lie, that your memories aren’t yours… it’s like the Truman Show meets Total Recall, but without any action and hardly any jokes. That’s a warning: there’s no action and it’s not a comedy. It’s very talky. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just means that a lot of stupid people won’t like it.

Apart from glimpses of Tess and his daughter Eve and the shady Lunar Industries execs on the lunar monitors, the only human characters are both played by Sam Rockwell. It’s a real treat to see a great actor playing two different version of the same character simultaneously on screen. They bicker and fight and try to make small talk with each other. It’s as real as it gets for being such an absurd concept. GERTY is kind of a combination of HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and Wilson from Cast Away. He’s just an object that Sam interacts with to avoid going crazy from the lack of human contact.

This is a science fiction movie that doesn’t rely on explosions to tell a story. So a lot of people won’t like it. But it’s a unique concept and they are able to humanize it and make it relatable. Props to Duncan Jones and especially to Sam Rockwell for his amazing dual performance as Sam Bell.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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July 30, 2012 · 7:11 am

The Fifth Element

The Fifth Element is a cult sci-fi classic starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, and Chris Tucker. French director Luc Besson started writing the script when he was still in high school, so the film is a bit of a passion project and you can see the love and attention to detail despite all the plot holes and action flick clichés. Seriously, how many times does Bruce Willis have to save the day?

Every 5000 years, the Great Evil comes to destroy life, because that’s what you do when you are evil. There’s only one way to destroy the Great Evil, and that a collection of four magic stones that represent the four elements: Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water. When you combine the four elements with the Fifth Element you unleash the Divine Light that defeats the Great Evil. Obviously.

Bruce Willis plays Korben Dallas, a down-on-his-luck cab driver and former soldier who lives in New York City in the year 2263. One day a half naked chick falls into his cab and he decides to help her out for some reason. The half naked chick calls herself Leeloo (played by Milla Jovovich). Not only is she described as a perfect being, she also happens to be the Fifth Element and the only thing that can save our planet. Dallas takes Leeloo to Priest Cornelius (Ian Holm), a guardian of sorts who knows all about the Fifth Element and how to save the world.

A group of evil shape shifting aliens known as the Mangalores are working with a wealthy industrialist named Zorg (Gary Oldman). Zorg is working for the Great Evil and they are after the four stones. Zorg and the Mangalores have a minor disagreement that results in the Mangalores also trying to get the stones for themselves. The stones have been left under the care of a famous blue alien singer named Diva Plavalaguna.

Dallas gets recruited by the military to try to save the world. He and Leeloo win a rigged contest to go to a Diva concert. They get to hang out with Chris Tucker, and they also get attacked by the Mangalores, I can’t decide which is worse. But Dallas ends up with the stones.

The Great Evil unleashes a giant fireball towards Earth and Dallas and the Priest and Leeloo must find out how to use the stones and unleash the power of the Fifth Element. Of course they save the day and disaster is averted. And then Leeloo and Dallas have sex in tube in front of the President and a bunch of scientists. It might be one of the best endings of all time.

Luc Besson created a unique world that is instantly recognizable. Yeah, there are aliens and spaceships and flying cars and unrecognizable technology, but they also showcase how Korben Dallas lives. He lives in a tiny cramped apartment, but the space is utilized brilliantly. His bed slides into the wall. His shower and closet come down from the ceiling. He smokes cigarettes with super long filters. The technology doesn’t seem that far out of reach, it seems obtainable and practical.

The world seems realistic, but some characters are absurdly outlandish. Gary Oldman is a great character actor, but his performance as Zorg is off-putting. He uses a ridiculous accent and you can’t take him seriously. Chris Tucker plays the annoying D.J.  Ruby Rhod. His character is a cartoon. An annoying cartoon that has no place in an action/sci-fi flick. He has little to no effect on the plot; he just serves as comic relief. But you don’t need comic relief in an action/sci-fi flick. There’s also that reoccurring and unfunny bit with Korben’s mom constantly calling and complaining to him. The less said about that the better.

The special effects are decent for the time, but they use body suits for the Mangalores and other alien species and it looks cheesy. Mangalores should be intimidating; instead they look like cheap Halloween costumes.

This isn’t the best sci-fi movie, but you should see it. It’s a little bit different than most blockbusters. It’s not a Hollywood movie. It was made in France with a French crew and French director… so when you see it you can pretend like you’re cultured and are watching a foreign film. They made a sequel to this movie called The Sixth Sense, and that film moved the franchise into the supernatural realm. It’s a very different movie in a lot of ways; it’s hard to say which one is better. But both are required viewing to be a film buff.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 28, 2012 · 8:38 am

2012 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony

The Olympics are an amazing event. Every four years, athletes from various nations get a chance to compete against the world and represent their countries. Most athletes will never get a medal; the highlight of their Olympic experience is typically the Opening Ceremony. The host country usually puts on a little display to show off how amazing their country is, and there’s a lot of music and theatrics and fireworks. Then there’s the Parade of Nations where all the represented countries get a shout out and a moment in the spotlight.

The 2008 Beijing Opening Ceremony was amazing. It was an impressive display of China’s power, and their power is in their population. They have a shit ton of people. And they can do shit in unison and that is terrifying and awesome. The London Games had a tough act to follow.

They tried though. They got renowned director Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours, 28 Days Later) to direct the show, and they had every single British celebrity you can think of make an appearance. They had Daniel Craig a.k.a. James Bond! They had the mother fucking Queen of England! They had David Beckham and J.K. Rowling and Kenneth Branagh! They even had Mr. Bean and Sir Paul McCartney (the last good living Beatle)! There are only a handful of world-famous Brits and they were all there.

There was a theme to the ceremony. I’m sure there was. But it was boring and so I don’t know what it was. At one point they were paying homage to the Industrial Revolution and they forged Olympic Rings and it was beautiful and awe-inspiring. And then that shit just kept going on and on. And on and on. Then it went on some more. By the time the Parade of Nations was starting, I was done. I have the internet; I can see what countries are competing on my own time. I don’t need to rely on NBC’s extensive Olympic coverage.

It wasn’t a terrible Opening Ceremony. It just had the bad luck of following the best Opening Ceremony of all time. The Summer Olympics have started. That’s all that matters. Let the games begin.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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July 27, 2012 · 7:06 am

The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight is the second film in Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy. It’s also the first Batman movie that doesn’t have Batman in the title. There’s your random fact for the day. Christian Bale returns as the Batman/Bruce Wayne, and Aaron Eckhart and Heath Ledger join the cast as Harvey Dent and the Joker. This might be the best comic book movie to date.

Less than a year after the events of Batman Begins, The Batman has become a symbol to the citizens of Gotham, inspiring less-than-qualified Batman wannabes to don Batarmor and fight crime. The different gangs and mobsters are afraid of the Batman. A new villain called the Joker has showed up in Gotham City and he knows how to wreak some havoc. He stages an elaborate bank heist at a mob-controlled bank and the criminal underworld starts to take notice of this wacko with clown makeup.

Batman and Lieutenant James Gordon (Gary Oldman) are still having a fun time rounding up mobsters and cleaning up the streets. After one fight involving the Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy) and some vicious dogs, Batman upgrades his Batsuit. Bruce Wayne’s personal life isn’t going so well. The love of his life Rachel Dawson is currently in a relationship with Harvey Dent. And she used to look like Katie Holmes but now she looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Times are tough all around. Bruce begins to get over his disdain for Harvey Dent because he realizes that Harvey’s image can save Gotham.

The Joker begins taking over the various mobs one by one. He starts causing more and more chaos. He threatens to kill a civilian each day until Batman reveals his true identity. He targets a judge, the police commissioner and Harvey Dent. The judge and police commissioner both die, but Batman saves Harvey from the Joker. One out of three isn’t too bad but this is saving lives, not baseball.

The Joker does more bad things, like almost killing the mayor, shooting RPGs at Harvey Dent and cop cars, kidnapping Harvey and Rachel and making Batman choose which one to save, and making Harvey Dent go crazy and become Two-Face.

He also blows up a hospital too, because, hey, why not?

Two-Face blames Batman and the newly promoted Commissioner Gordon for ruining his life. He’s ok with the Joker because his coin said he was cool I guess. He’s out for revenge and wants Gordon to feel his pain.

The Joker rigs two ferries with bombs. One ferry is filled with civilians; the other is filled with inmates from Arkham. Each ferry has a detonator to make the other ferry explode and they have a choice to blow up the other ferry first, or both ferries will blow up at midnight. While the ferry occupants are busy philosophizing the morality of murdering others to save themselves, Batman is busy tracking down and then beating up the Joker. Two-Face is busy with trying to ruin Gordon’s life while all this is going on. It’s a very busy climax. There’s a lot going on.

It ends with Batman taking the blame for Harvey Dent/Two-Face’s crimes. Batman and Gordon decide that it’s more important to preserve Harvey Dent as a symbol of hope. The Joker was out to prove that even the best person can become corrupted and evil. The Joker was right, the Joker won. But Batman cheated and took the blame. That’s not a happy ending. They basically are saying fuck the truth and let the sheep live a lie.

The Joker is one of the most iconic and notorious villains of all time. Heath Ledger steals the movie. Too bad he had to go and die. That was kind of selfish if you ask me. There’s one line that bugs me though, “Do I really look like a guy with a plan?” Yes. Yes, you do. The Joker has a lot of elaborate schemes. He had to plan it out. You can’t just improvise a bank like in the opening sequence. He manipulated Harvey Dent and twisted his mind and essentially made him his puppet. So he can rant all he wants to about how doesn’t have a plan or that he’s not a schemer, but he’s definitely a planning schemer.

Christopher Nolan created a masterpiece. This is a movie about a tortured guy facing agonizing decisions. He just dresses up like a bat and punches bad guys under the cover of darkness. Christian Bale does a great job as Bruce Wayne, but I still hate his Batman voice. Aaron Eckhart is decent as Harvey Dent but he’s nothing spectacular. Heath Ledger’s performance makes The Dark Knight a classic. If you only see one Batman movie in your life, you should see the Adam West version, but if you see two, this should be one of them.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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