The classic lemon-lime soda gets a cherry flavor boost. Cherry 7 Up is essentially a prepackaged Shirley Temple without a cherry garnish. It’s not as sugary as a Shirley Temple that you would get in a restaurant because they use grenadine. It’s kind of refreshing, but also really sugary and syrupy. And there’s no caffeine. It’s a decent soda, but there are a thousand better drinks out there, and there’s no need to waste your time on this one.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Filed under Drinks
Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers! Doesn’t that sound classy? It’s not. It’s called the Champagne of Beers because it is really carbonated and bubbly with a nice clear golden finish. It’s 4.7% alcohol, which is around average for a bad American lager. It’s Miller’s oldest brand, even older than MGD, which is news to me. It’s refreshing and drinkable, and I would prefer it over a glass of water, but there are at least fifty-seven other beers I would drink over this American Swill Lager.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Filed under Drinks
If there’s anything better than a microbrewed IPA, it is a microbrewed double IPA. If there’s anything better than a microbrewed double IPA, it is a microbrewed double IPA with a dinosaur pun. It is super malty and super hoppy. It has a hefty 8.8% alcohol content, which is better than Nyquil for getting kids to sleep. Good strong beer with lots of flavor and a dinosaur pun for a name. It doesn’t get much better than this.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Filed under Drinks
Anheuser-Busch presents Shock Top Wheat IPA. It’s a very refreshing IPA variant. It has a hefty 5.8% alcohol content, more than most wheat beers, but less than most IPAs. It’s unfiltered, which helps gives it more of a wheat beer taste than an IPA. It is a perfect hybrid of the two… if you aren’t sure if you want a Hefe/Blue Moon or an IPA, this is the beer for you. Decisions are hard to make when just wanna be drunk, so get this and start drinking.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Drinks
Diet Dr Pepper really does taste like regular Dr Pepper. There is a really slight aftertaste, but it’s the diet soda that tastes the most like its full calorie clone. Most diet sodas should taste like the real version. We have seedless watermelon and blue boner pills… come on science, do something productive with soft drinks.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Drinks
There used to be a very simple test to determine one’s cheapness. If a person goes to a bar or restaurant and orders a Bud Light, they are cheap. Ordering a Bud Light is one step up from ordering an ice water, a bunch of lemons, and a shit ton of sugar packets to make your own lemonade. But now there is Bud Light Platinum, and as much as I love to bash Bud drinkers, this is the new light beer of choice. It has a hefty 6% alcohol content, and it still tastes like a light beer. Bottom line is that it is super drinkable and that alcohol percentage will sneak up on you. Anheuser-Busch finally realized that giving Bud Light a wheaty or lime flavor isn’t nearly as awesome as making a light beer that will fuck you up faster.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Have you ever wanted to try a Pepsi with cherry flavor added to it? Try a Pepsi Wild Cherry soda-pop. Pepsi is a little more extreme than Coke. Coke’s cherry cola just has regular, boring cherries. Pepsi uses Wild Cherries. That’s too much excitement for me. The cherry flavor is a little muted compared to most cherry colas, maybe wild cherries aren’t as sweet. It’s decent, but it is still a Pepsi. Pepsi lost the cola wars for a reason… Coke is better. There are a million sodas out there, try this once, and move on with your life.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Filed under Drinks
Let me just call this an extreme soda and get that out of the way. Moving right along, Mountain Dew is a soda. I don’t know how to describe the flavor; it’s just Mountain Dew. It’s not a cola, root beer, lemon-lime, or cream soda… it’s very unique, they claim it is lemon-citrus flavored. All this time I thought lemon was a citrus. You either like the taste or hate it more than sand in your pants. The name comes from a slang term for moonshine. That’s why there’s a hillbilly on the retro bottles. It has caffeine, that’s always a plus. I wont even mention Mello Yello. Damn, ok, never mind.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Drinks
Dr Pepper is a soda that has 23 flavors all competing to make one very unique soda. It’s dark like a cola, but you can’t define its taste. There is way too much going on. It’s pretty good though. It’s not that light; it’s not that refreshing, but sometimes you feel like a Dr Pepper. They spell it without a period after the Dr, so my spellcheck is going crazy. Yes, that’s how I want it spelled, leave me alone.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Drinks
Eureka, California’s microbrewery presents Raspberry Brown. This is a brown ale with a hint of raspberry. It is a little bit north of subtle, but it isn’t really fruity. There is a slight chocolate taste; it works well with the raspberry. I can only have one or two at a time; it is more of a dessert beer than one you drink to get shitfaced. If you like Newcastle, chocolate, or raspberries you need to try this beer. It is a great craft brew. If you did a good deed today, you deserve to reward yourself with this.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Drinks
Royal Crown Cola has to be the most unnecessary cola. There’s Coke, Pepsi and weird store brand colas. But then some mediocre beverage companies want to crack into the cola market, like RC Cola or Jolt Cola. Jolt has a twice the caffeine gimmick that distinguishes it a little, but RC Cola tastes like a cheap store brand cola. It has a weird gritty taste compared to the delicious smoothness of Coca-Cola Classic. There is no reason to try this soda ever. Not even if you are reviewing it for your blog. Trust me.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Filed under Drinks
“Red Stripe. It’s beer. Hooray, beer!” See that’s is effective advertising. Good job whoever came up with that one. It’s memorable, it says the product name, and it says what the product is. It has a nice light, crisp taste, better than your average American lager like Bud or Coors. It is very drinkable and refreshing. The major downside is that the bottles are only 11.2 ounces, as opposed to 12 ounces, so you aren’t getting a full six pack. That’s pretty lame, they lose points for that.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under Drinks
Foster’s. Australian for beer. Sorry, I was obligated to say that. It really is Australian, there’s even a picture of a kangaroo on the can. This is a pretty decent lager, it is better tasting and more flavorful than typical American lagers. My friend lived in Australia for a few months and he said that no one drinks it down there. I’m kind of disillusioned now.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Drinks
This is the O.G. energy drink. It is a bit of an acquired taste, but it is better tasting than Rockstar or Monster. It is pretty good for a quick energy boost, but I feel like I’m immune to them now. Vodka and Red Bull: a staple of night clubs, and a delicious treat before work. Red Bull doesn’t really give you wings, but if you drink enough of them you might get a heart murmur.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Drinks, Random Rants
This is an 8.1% High Gravity lager. When you gotta get drunk on a budget, you gotta get a forty. If you get a forty, you might as well get a strong one. Don’t forget the paper bag. Forties taste awful, but if you drink them from a bag you look cool, and that’s worth something. This is a decent forty, it is more drinkable than some, but you’re not looking for good taste, you are looking for a good buzz. This can get you drunk, and that’s all I expect from malt liquor.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Filed under Drinks
Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda. I am not Kel though. And I doubt that you are Kel. I don’t understand people who love Fanta. In a world of root beers, cream sodas, lemon-lime sodas, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper and Coca-Cola, why would you choose orange soda? Every once in a while is alright, but if you crave orange soda you are probably a serial killer. Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy and Charles Manson all loved orange soda. You know that it’s true because this is the internet, and the internet is factual. Anyway, if you drink orange soda it’s either Fanta or Sunkist, and Fanta is decent. Anyway, no, I don’t want a Fanta. Fuck off.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Filed under Drinks
This is a coffee flavored Rockstar energy drink. This ideal for mornings when you can’t decide between coffee or an energy drink. The mocha flavor gives you a little chocolate satisfaction as well. It tastes more like coffee than a Rockstar, so don’t be a baby and try it. It makes me really jittery, more so than other energy drinks.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under Drinks
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