Monthly Archives: April 2012

Miller High Life

Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers! Doesn’t that sound classy? It’s not. It’s called the Champagne of Beers because it is really carbonated and bubbly with a nice clear golden finish. It’s 4.7% alcohol, which is around average for a bad American lager. It’s Miller’s oldest brand, even older than MGD, which is news to me. It’s refreshing and drinkable, and I would prefer it over a glass of water, but there are at least fifty-seven other beers I would drink over this American Swill Lager.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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The Social Network

Michael Cera stars as Tom Anderson in The Social Network, a biopic about the rise and fall of MySpace. Tobey Maguire and Lance Bass play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on MySpace, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

Oh man, I crack myself up. David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club), directs Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake play supporting roles. If you’ve ever been on Facebook, you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

This movie is not about Facebook. It is about a good idea that’s worth money, and how money changes people. Mark Zuckerberg, a computer genius going to Harvard University, is recruited by the Winklevoss twins to help them develop a social network exclusive to Harvard students. Mark takes their idea, improves upon it, and launches thefacebook, with the help of his best friend and business partner Eduardo Saverin (Andrew “New Spider-Man” Garfield).

As thefacebook starts to blow up, the Winklevoss brothers begin to challenge Mark over stealing their idea, eventually deciding to sue. The site’s potential catches the eye of Sean Parker, the creator of Napster. Justin (N*Sync) Timberlake plays Sean Parker, and Sean’s ideas like simply calling the site Facebook add to the potential value of the social network. Sean doesn’t think that Eduardo is a good fit for the company, and Sean and Mark begin to phase him out of the company. Eduardo gets a little pissed and decides to sue.

The story is framed by Mark sitting in rooms surrounded by suits, dealing with separate lawsuits from his former best friend and the Winklevossi. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is based on a true story. That doesn’t make this a documentary. This film captures the vibe of Facebook’s creation and that’s more important than a step by step recreation of the site’s development. Both Sorkin’s script and Eisenberg’s performance make Zuckerberg a hero, but you don’t necessarily sympathize with him. Mark Zuckerberg might have stolen ideas, but he created Facebook, and the film makes that clear. He might be arrogant and treat people badly sometimes, but you never hate him.

James Garfield does a great job as Eduardo Saverin. He’s still kind of a newcomer, but in case you’ve been living under a rock, he was cast as the lead in the new Spider-Man reboot. It’s pretty safe to say that with this supporting role and the lead role in a guaranteed blockbuster will cement his status as a box office draw for the next few years.

Justin Timberlake’s music sucks. His solo career rips off 1980’s Michael Jackson. His pop group career rips off the Backstreet Boys and they ripped off New Kids on the Block. Justin Timberlake the singer sucks. But Justin Timberlake the actor is surprisingly good. I don’t want to admit that I like Justin Timberlake, so that means he is actually good. He is a natural on camera. In his first scene, he’s a suave ladies man, he seems cool and relaxed. Later after he ousts Eduardo from Facebook, he flinches when Eduardo feigns a punch. He tries to recover and regain his composure, but you see a crack in his armor. Justin Timberlake created a genuine moment on screen. He made Parker the second most interesting character in the movie, and there are a few interesting characters.

This is a great movie all around. Trent Reznor’s soundtrack is solid. Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay is solid. David Fincher’s direction is solid. The cast is solid. Even if Facebook fades away, this movie will still be good. It might not be relevant, but it will still be good.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Talking on the Phone While Using the Bathroom

How many times have you been chatting to someone on the phone, and about five minutes into the conversation you hear the toilet flush? What the fuck? The whole time you were talking to me about your sick dog you were emptying your bowels? I don’t get it. You want to hear about my day while you are mid-squat? If you’re talking to me, you better be wearing pants. I know people like to multitask, but I don’t want to talk to you while you wipe your ass. And how come I never hear you wash your hands?

Critically Rated at 3/17

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Sucker Punch

Zack Snyder made a couple of cool movies like the Dawn of the Dead remake, 300, and Watchmen, and so I was pretty excited about seeing his first movie based on his original story. It looked awesome: sexy girls, crazy visuals, over the top action, and highly stylized world. I saw it in the theater. I was never bored watching it, but I was never enthralled by anything either. When it was over, I was indifferent. I believe my initial feeling when I left the theater was “Meh”.

I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. This is the cinematic equivalent of being black out drunk in on a crazy night in Vegas… lots of pretty girls, flashing lights, loud noises, crazy fights, and you have no idea what the fuck is going on. I know there’s a plot. It’s just not a good one and it gets lost in the chaos.  The story follows Babydoll (Emily Browning) who gets committed to a mental institution by her evil stepfather. She’s scheduled to be lobotomized (never a good thing), and she escapes into fantasies, which parallel her real-life escape plan. Of course it gets needlessly complicated, and you aren’t sure what’s real and what’s imaginary and you don’t really care either.

This is one of the movies that you have to watch more than once. Not because it’s that good, but because it’s that confusing. It is so convoluted and chaotic that repeat viewings are required to comprehend what’s going on. There are a lot of cool visuals and elaborate sequences. It looks unique, and it blends a few different genres that should clash, but end up meshing well. The problem is that the story sucks. All in all, it is entertaining. But it’s not essential to own or even to watch. People think you’re weird if you’ve never seen Star Wars, but no one will ever bash you if you go your whole life without seeing this flick.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Flossing

It wasn’t enough that mankind has created toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, electric toothbrushes, and tooth picks. So we invented string for your teeth. Now we have another way to remove shit from between your teeth and cut your gums. The average person flosses only a few times a year: either when they just ate corn on the cob, or if they have a dentist appointment the next day. I have no idea why I lie to the dentist about flossing semi-regularly. He knows that I’m lying. Oh yeah, and apparently it’s not romantic to floss with your girlfriend’s hair. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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Drumline

If you remember hard enough, you might recall that Nick Cannon was a moderately successful actor before Mariah Carrey ate him. Drumline was his masterpiece. You’ve seen the plot a million times before: a cocky kid with natural talent joins a team, clashes with them for a bit, learns about teamwork and grows up a little bit, and leads the team to victory. Along the way he meets a girl, gets her, loses her and gets her again when he leads the team to victory. The twist in the plot is that the kid with talent is good at drums and the team he joins is a college marching band. It’s not original in the slightest, but the music makes it entertaining.

Nick Cannon plays Devon Miles, a drummer who gets a full scholarship to join the prestigious and fictional Atlanta A&T University marching band. He’s a great drummer, music comes naturally to him. He is really cocky. I mean really cocky. There’s no reason why anyone would like this guy. He’s a dick. He’s selfish. He doesn’t bother learning how to read music, unlike all his fellow band members. He didn’t want to cut his hair as required by the team so he quit. He changes his mind a little later, shows up to a party with clippers and everyone cheers. Yeah right, fuck you man, you just quit the team like a bitch, but whatever, its ok because you’re good at drums. He challenges the student leader and questions authority. He is not a team player, and the film vilifies the few characters that treat Devon like the asshole that he is.

Zoe Saldana (Avatar, Star Trek) plays Laila, the love interest. There is no reason why she would possibly like Devon. First off, he’s a stupid freshman, and she is a sexy upperclassman. She has a car, doesn’t live in a dorm, and can legally drink. The first few times they meet he comes off as being really arrogant, stupid, and acts superior to her. There is no reason she would ever talk to him, let alone fall for him. Zoe Saldana is sexy even when she’s a nine foot tall sparkly blue cat.

The music and the marching sequences are the redeeming aspects of the movie. The band choreography and music selections are exciting and will have you tapping your feet to the beat. A good marching band runs like a machine, each part has to work perfectly or it sucks. You get a glimpse into how marching bands function.

So the plot sucks, but the movie is redeemed by the music. Nick Cannon sucks, but his character sucks even more. The supporting cast is much more interesting and likeable. It’s a very flawed movie, but if it’s on TV I wouldn’t bash you for watching it. I wouldn’t set the DVR for it though.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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Five Second Rule

Over the history of mankind, there are a few inventions that stand out: the wheel, the light bulb, the personal computer… none are as important as the Five Second Rule. If you drop something on the floor and recover it within five seconds, no harm no foul. Germs, bacteria and other contaminates can’t do any damage if you’re fast enough. Scientists still have no idea why. Even Bill Nye is stumped. The best part about the Five Second Rule is that if you aren’t fast enough, you can always resort to the Ten Second Rule. There are starving kids in China, you shouldn’t waste anything.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Bone (comic)

Jeff Smith’s Bone is one of the best comics of all time. It transcends being a mere comic book and is one of the best fantasy epics ever, up there with Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Harry Potter. This needs to be pop culture, I want to geek out about it and have 30 minute conversations about Bone with complete strangers. Bone is the epic saga of three cousins trying to find their way home, and stumble into a hero’s journey complete with princesses, dragons, rat creatures, ghost circles and magic. It’s one of those immersive imaginary worlds that requires a map in the back of the book. That’s a sign of quality for literary epics. It is hysterically funny at times, but can turn dark and scary in a moment’s notice.

Fone Bone is the main character, the one that you relate to, the everyman. He’s got a good heart, likes to read Moby Dick, and tries to keep his cousin Phoney Bone out of trouble. Phoney is greedy, manipulative, and always plotting. His exploits got the three cousins kicked out of Boneville. He thinks of himself first and foremost, but genuinely cares about his cousins. Smiley Bone rounds out the trio, he is the comic relief. He is simple and acts dumber than he is, but occasionally has some brilliant ideas. So the three Bones from Boneville are forced to flee some angry townspeople and find themselves lost and separated in a mysterious Valley.

The Valley is where the bulk of the story takes place. You never actually see Boneville, but you can assume it is modern because they have books like Moby Dick, a CornDogHut, and paper currency. The Valley seems to be stuck in the past. There’s a tavern, an economy based on eggs and goods rather than money, and seems medieval. The Valley is home to a village populated by people called Barrelhaven, a few isolated farms, and talking creatures like Ted the Bug, Miz ‘Possum and her kids, and a giant mountain lion named Roque Ja who guards the Eastern Boarder.

Fone Bone gets separated from his cousins and eventually befriends and stays with Thorn Harvestar, a gorgeous, generous girl and her tough as nails grandma, who goes by Rose or Gran’ma. Not to spoil anything, but Gran’ma Rose just might be a usurped Queen with a hidden past. Fone develops a crush on Thorn, and you can’t blame him, ‘cause she’s smoking hot. And nice to him. Anyway, Smiley and Phoney Bone end up in Barrelhaven, and they meet some of the locals down there. Eventually everyone meets up again and the Bones go back home to Boneville.

But before that happens, strange things begin happening in the Valley. Dragons show up. Rat creatures show up. The king of the rat creatures shows up. The evil Lord of the Locusts shows up. Add a whole backstory of ghost circles, and the power of the Dreaming, and mysterious cults, and dragon origin stories and you have yourself an amazing fantasy epic. If you like Lord of the Rings but wish it was funnier, than this is the comic for you.

It is unlike any other comic. This is one of the few graphic novels that changes people’s minds about what a comic can do. It transcends boundaries. At the heart of the story is your basic Hero’s Quest, but Jeff Smith does what you’re supposed to and created his own unique universe. One that’s unique but familiar. It goes from funny to sad in a heartbeat. The panels create the illusion of movement and pacing. It’s almost like a movie on paper.

Go out and read this book. I think you are a decent human being and I want you to be happy. This comic will make your life a little better. You owe it to yourself to see what I’m talking about. There is a $40 book that has all 9 volumes in it. The artwork is in black and white, just a heads up. It doesn’t take anything away from it. The first few volumes have color versions, but they haven’t published the whole saga in color yet. Go read it if you haven’t, you won’t regret it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Video Game Accomplishment

Have you ever been proud of yourself for doing something mundane? Like reorganizing your movie collection by genre or replacing your shower curtain? These are video game accomplishments. It is the feeling you get when you finally beat a difficult boss or beat a game. You didn’t really accomplish anything. You feel like you did something, but you really just wasted your time and now you are a little bit closer to death. Oh wow, you read all the Hunger Game books in a week?!? Video game accomplishment. Oh wow, you cooked two dishes and posted it on Facebook instead of going out to eat?!? Video game accomplishment. Oh wow, you have a blog and bitch about things on the internet?!? Video game accomplishment. Oh, I made myself sad.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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