Tag Archives: entertainment

May 14, 2012 · 11:21 am

Independence Day (film, not the day)

Before Roland Emmerich went crazy and started spewing out ridiculous disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, he made an awesome disaster movie called Independence Day. This was one of the best summer movies of the ‘90s. It had it all: a sweet cast, amazing special effects, and good action scenes. Plus Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

The movie stars out with a bang. It starts on the moon and a giant shadow creeps across its surface, steadily heading for Earth. Before long, giant spaceships are hovering over 36 major cities across the world. As we learn about the threat, we are introduced to the main characters. Jeff Goldblum plays David Levinson, a genius who discovers a hidden code that indicates the aliens are going to attack. He goes to Washington, D.C. to warn his ex-wife who works for the President of the United States. Bill Pullman plays the President, a former combat pilot.

Will Smith plays Captain Steve Hiller, a pilot for the Marines. He wants to become an astronaut, and he has a stripper girlfriend named Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox). Randy Quaid plays Russell Casse, he’s a pilot too. Seriously, the whole world gets destroyed, but half the survivors are pilots. If you wanna survive Independence Day, you should start taking flying lessons.

The hidden code that David finds turns out to be valid, and the ships attack simultaneously across the world. Millions of people die, but if you jump into a storage closet in a tunnel, you’ll be fine. That’s how Vivica A. Fox survived. She plays a stripper in the movie by the way.

So the world’s been half destroyed, and we have no idea how to stop them. Will Smith flies around and gets one to crash and then he punches it in the face and welcomes it to Earth. And then he and the alien body get a ride from Russell Casse and his family to Area 51. And the President is there, along with David and all the other people who haven’t died yet. The alien turns out not to be dead, and we find out that they want to take over the world and they want us to die. So we decide to nuke them. And it doesn’t work, and we don’t know what to do. And we seem pretty fucked.

Then David gets an idea. He’ll simply use his Apple laptop to upload a virus to the mother ship to disable all the other ships, while simultaneously the survivors across the world will launch a global attack on the alien ships. Will Smith and David fly to the mother ship, and the President and Russell Casse and all the other survivor pilots take to the skies in a desperate attempt to save mankind.

Not to spoil anything, but we won. We beat the aliens. And David takes up smoking. He probably stops recycling too.

This movie came out when I was ten years old. It was the movie of the summer. It was like my Star Wars. It was an event. And when we went back to school we shunned the ones who didn’t see it.

There are a lot of funny moments and lots of great one-liners. There are also some touching moments, like when the President has to tell his daughter that mama ain’t coming back. Some of the actors do a great job, like Judd Hirsch as Julius, David’s father. Some of the actors do a terrible job, like James Duval as Miguel Casse, Russell’s son. He looks like he went to the Keanu Reeves School of Wooden Acting. I think Bill Pullman’s speech with the bullhorn is one of the best fake president speeches of all time. Oh, and Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

Of course there are lots of plot holes (like where’s the Secret Service?) and poorly written characters, but the movie is exciting and fun and entertaining. I like being entertained, it’s fun. I think it’s weird how everyone laughs at Russell whenever he mentions being abducted by aliens ten years earlier. They know that aliens exist now. They should be apologizing for having doubted him.

Independence Day is a cool movie. It was the first time Will Smith saved the world. He does that every other summer now. This was back when it was still special. Seriously if you haven’t seen this movie you missed the ‘90s and I feel bad for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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May 13, 2012 · 10:10 am

Rambo

Rambo IV or John Rambo is the fourth or last installment of the Rambo series. 236 people die, in case you were wondering. Slyvester Stallone is a bad ass. Very few people star in 2 successful movie franchises, but Stallone does it, and he makes Rambo and Rocky legit characters, people that you don’t want to fuck with.

The plot is generic. You’ve seen it a thousand times before. Rambo is some schmuck hired to take people into forbidden water. He is reluctant at first, but he gives in and leads a gang or recruits into no-man’s-land. Rambo acts like he is a decent person, but as soon as the action kicks in Rambo starts mowing people in half and doesn’t let up.

People die in this movie. A lot. Rambo uses crazy weapons and tactics and finds exciting new ways to mutilate and massacre the enemy. There is no recovering from that. Sly Stallone was on a shit ton of steroids and you can tell that steroids are good for you.

It might not be a good movie, but this is an awesome blockbuster. Not only is the action top notch, but the protagonist doesn’t give a shit. If you want to hurt John Rambo, you need to find John Rambo. Easier said than done. This guy is a ninja and can pop up anywhere.

It’s kind of funny that Sylvester Stallone can be M.I.A. for so long, and then he decides to resurrect his career with his biggest hits. He brought back Rocky Balboa, and named the sixth and latest movie Rocky Balboa. Woah, what a stretch. He brought back the John Rambo character as well, and the latest movie is called Rambo. What a stretch. Sly Stallone is a genius apparently. I don’t know anyone who paid cash money to see Sly Stallone on the big screen. but some people did. Good for them.

The plot is almost nonexistent. This movie exists so that you see people get mowed in half. Not white people. Little Asian people get mowed down like it is going out of style. It’s a tough time to be proud of the human race.

Rambo is a fun movie. It’s a waste of time to think differently. Just accept the fact that violence is entertaining and save us some time. Sly Stallone does a great job bring an irrelevant character back to the big screen. Too bad no one cares about Rambo anymore. His time has passed.

Rambo shoots people. He kills people. He tries to be a decent human being, but he doesn’t know how. He is a soldier. He fights and he fights with honor. He doesn’t always come through all the time, but he has no fear. Rambo wins in the end. You knew that he would. It’s Hollywood.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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May 12, 2012 · 9:43 am

Howl’s Moving Castle (film)

Hayao Miyazaki is like the Walt Disney of the Japanimation world. He makes amazing and timeless animated family films, and Howl’s Moving Castle is one of them. It’s based on the book by Diana Wynne Jones, but I never read the book, so I can’t really compare them. It’s a decent story, but the animation takes it to a new level. This is a fun fantasy film.

The movie is about a young hat maker named Sophie who makes hats. She’s kind of stuck in a rut and dreams of a better life. Instead she gets cursed by the Witch of the Waste, and Sophie gets transformed into an old woman. She can’t tell anyone about the curse, and so she leaves home to find a cure.

She helps out a scarecrow with a turnip for a head. The scarecrow is under a curse too, and even though Turnip Head can’t talk, he helps out Sophie as much as he can. Sophie eventually ends up in a moving castle, owned by a wizard named Howl. Howl has an apprentice named Merkl, and a fire demon named Calcifer (voiced by Billy Crystal).

Sophie’s country is about to enter war, and the king insists that all wizards be enlisted to help fight. Howl is a pacifist and doesn’t want to, and that kind of kicks off the larger plot. To help disrupt the war, he transforms into a bird-monster-thing, but each transformation makes it harder to return to human form. To complicate matters, a witch named Suliman is also after Howl, and a lot of stuff happens before shit gets resolved and you have your happy ending.

Miyazaki is a genius. He’s one of those filmmakers who creates a masterpiece and retires only to come out of retirement and make another amazing film. His attention to detail is impeccable. Every scene, shot, and frame is a piece of art. He makes the characters compelling and keeps the movie flowing at a good pace.

The castle is fantastic. You can sense the magic in the walls. It adds to the tone of the film and feels like another character, similar to Hogwarts in the Harry Potter movies. In films about magic and wizards it is important to have the sets feel magical and impressive.

A lot of Japanimation films can get lost in translation. Spirited Away is great movie, but unless you know the significance of bathhouse spirits in Japanese culture, you aren’t getting the full picture. Howl’s Moving Castle is based on an English author’s book, so the culture clash isn’t as evident. It also helps getting well known actors to dub the English version. Christian Bale, Billy Crystal, and Lauren Bacall are among the celebrities to voice a character.

You either like Japanimation or you don’t. There is no in-between. If you don’t know if you like Japanimation, Miyazaki is a good start. He’s got a few good movies, this is one of them. Spirited Away is probably his best. This one’s not too shabby.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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May 11, 2012 · 9:41 am

The Babe (film)

John Goodman stars as the great George Herman “Babe” Ruth in director Arthur Hiller’s The Babe. Babe Ruth is an American icon; many consider him to be the best baseball player of all time. He was larger than life and lived like he was. This biopic covers the rise and fall of his career, playing as much to the myths as to the facts. There’s heroes and there’s legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. And yes, I did steal that from The Sandlot.

The Babe Movie Poster

The movie starts with Babe’s dad giving up on him and dropping him off at St. Mary’s, an orphanage/reformatory. He’s a chubby troublemaker who gets picked on constantly. That all changes when he picks up a bat and discovers that he was made to play baseball. He’s a phenomenal pitcher and has a powerful bat. In a few short years he catches the eye of the Baltimore Orioles and leaves the orphanage to conquer the world.

Babe is too big for Baltimore, and he goes to the Boston Red Sox. Babe is too big for Boston, and he goes to the Yankees. The bulk of the film takes place in his Red Sox and Yankee days. They explore how success has gone to his head. Babe wants it all, and he can suddenly have it all, and since he’s just a big kid he goes nuts. He has a good heart, but he’s brash and impulsive and hurts people without meaning to.

John Goodman does a decent job as the Babe. He is a little too old to be playing him, and he’s also too fat. Most actors would have to gain weight to play him, but Goodman could stand to lose a few pounds. There are dozens of actors that could have done a better job. Babe Ruth was larger than life, it was his exploits that make the movie interesting, not Goodman’s portrayal of him.

The Babe is like a kid. He has no manners. He is blatant and just says whatever is on his mind. He has no social skills; he uses other people’s toothbrushes and farts at fancy parties. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he will be ecstatic one moment and having a tantrum the next. He has a habit of calling people Dad, a sign of his broken childhood.

Trini Alvarado plays Helen, Babe’s first wife. He loves her, and marries her, and starts a family with her. And he wants to be with her. But he can’t. He can’t be contained. He wants to party and go to the city, not stay at home and play house. So he goes out, and girls throw themselves at him, and people kiss his ass, and he feels happy. But he hurts Helen over and over again. They separate, but the whole relationship shows how damaged Babe is. Eventually he finds love again, and this time Claire (Kelly McGillis) is able to handle him, she acts like a parent figure and gives him rules and boundaries.

They humanize Babe off the field, and they embellish what he did on it. He never hit a popup so high that he got an infield home run. He never hit 2 homeruns for a sick kid in the hospital. He might have called his shot, but it was not that dramatic. He hit three homers in one game in the twilight of his career as a Brave, but he didn’t retire right after.

People often debate about who the best baseball player of all time is. Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Ty Cobb, Hank Aaron, Lou Gehrig, and Stan Musial are all in discussion, but Babe Ruth was a 100% natural talent. He singlehandedly changed the game. Not only is he arguably the best homerun hitter of all time, but he’s also considered one of the best pitchers of all time.

This is not a great baseball movie. It’s not really a good movie either. It’s just an average movie made about a great man. I’m not one for remakes, but I think we can do a better Babe Ruth movie. It doesn’t have to be 3D or in IMAX, but Americans love baseball and Americans love Babe Ruth. So anyway, this is an alright movie, it could have been better.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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May 9, 2012 · 8:35 am

The Avengers

It’s very refreshing to go to the movies and pay a shit ton of money and know that you are going to be entertained. Very few films come with that kind of guarantee. The Avengers is one of those movies. It has everything you want in a summer blockbuster: a great cast, a great director, great characters, great special effects, and great story. Joss Whedon knows how to direct large ensemble casts, and every character gets adequate screen time and at least one memorable moment. The Avengers kicks off the summer blockbuster season, and it’s going to be a tough act to follow. The world is in trouble and the Avengers must assemble, and it takes a while, but they learn to overcome their differences and become a team (and a family), and save they New York City and the world.

There is a huge cast. Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Samuel L. Jackson all show up. And they all get their moment to shine. There is no lead, but Robert Downey, Jr. wants you to think it’s him. Quick props to Clark Gregg as Agent Phil Coulson. He has no powers, but he was no doubt a hero. He inspired the Avengers to become the Avengers, with a little manipulation from Nick Fury.

It might be helpful to first watch Iron Man, Iron Man 2, the Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger but it’s not necessary. I never saw Captain America, and I don’t feel like I had to. I understood his role and position on the team, and each Avenger gets ample screen time to establish or reestablish characters. Hawkeye and the Black Widow each get a good introduction scene; you learn their personalities, their capabilities and get a sense of who they are.

Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America all have dramatic entrances. You know the real heroes have arrived when they show up. The first half hour to 45 minutes kind of drags, but it’s important for the plot and it’s never really boring. As soon as the Helicarrier gets attacked and Banner transforms into the Hulk, the movie kicks into overdrive and never gives up. The action is intense and overwhelming. It’s sensory overload like Transformers, but unlike Transformers you are aware of what’s happening. You know who the villains are, who the heroes are, and what’s at stake.

Some of the funniest moments happen in the midst of battle. The Hulk in particular had some great moments (throwing the ejected pilot, sucker punching Thor, beating the shit out of Loki). Mark Ruffalo became the best Hulk with the shortest amount of screen time. BTW, Lou Ferrigno voiced the Hulk, a little nerd knowledge for you. Each hero has their share of quips though. It’s very reminiscent of comics: some spectacular display of violence followed by a witty remark.

Comic book fans will jizz in their pants. There are so many hidden Marvel moments to get excited about. Everyone loves a good Stan Lee cameo, but there are so many references to the Marvel Universe that your geeky head will explode. There is too much to take in, and you have to see it multiple times and talk about it to people nerdier than you are just to calm down a little. It makes you feel like a little kid, asking who that was, or what this was about. It’s rare to be excited about a movie these days. Don’t take it for granted.

I saw it in 3D. I was a little skeptical, because most films shot in 2D that get converted to 3D look terrible. The 3D is shoddy and the characters look like cardboard cutouts. A simple test is to take off your 3D glasses: blurry means that it is 3D, unblurred and in-focus means you wasted your money. This movie is actually 3D, and it’s worth paying a few extra bucks for the full experience. The cinematography alone is impressive, so seeing it in 2D is not missing out on much. Everybody wins. There are some great shots in the NYC battle. There’s a rapid shot where the camera is looking through the shattered rear window of a cab. Another great shot shows Captain America’s reflection in an overturned motorcycle’s mirror.

So this movie has already been ridiculously hyped. It has made over $207 million in its first 3 days in the US. It’s made over $1.008 billion. It’s already the #11 movie of all time. It wont be Avatar status, but it’s going to be in the top ten for sure. This isn’t the best movie of all time. But it will be a lot of people’s favorite movie. And you can’t fault them for that. This movie is a great blockbuster. There are a lot of great characters, funny moments, and jaw-dropping special effects. And it has heart.

Joss Whedon compares the Avengers to a family. They don’t always get along. They fight and bicker and argue with each other. But they come together when the need to. They work together and they save New York City. And saving New York City is always good.

This movie appeals to everyone. I saw it with three lesbians and an old man. We all had a blast. This is an awesome movie and I can’t wait to see it again. It is one of those movies that you geek out over and you do your best Iron Man and Hulk impressions to try and recreate the magic. Just see it already. Don’t be the only one left out.

Critically Rated at 15.5/17

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May 8, 2012 · 10:03 am

Green Lantern (film)

The Green Lantern is an iconic DC comic. The Green Lantern Corps is an intergalactic police force that patrols the DC universe. Each Green Lantern has their own sector to protect, and each Green Lantern gets a power ring and power lantern that lets them harness their willpower to control over the physical world. There are a bunch of different Green Lanterns, but this movie is about Hal Jordan. Sorry Guy Gardner. Ryan Reynolds plays Hal Jordan and Martin Campbell directs.

Most superhero movies really play up the origin story. As if you can’t enjoy Superman until you see Clark Kent growing up for an hour. This movie doesn’t do that. They give you a little background on the Green Lantern Corps, and you spend a little bit of time with Hal Jordan, but it jumps into the main plotline pretty quick. An evil alien named Parallax fought a Green Lantern named Abin Sur. Abin Sur escaped to Earth and passed his lantern and ring on to Hal Jordan. Parallax somehow comes back and takes infects Hector Hammond’s brain and makes him the antagonist.

Hal and Hammond fight a few times. Hal quits the Green Lanterns for a little bit. Hector Hammond gets more and more powerful. Hal has a change of heart and rejoins the Corps, just in time to beat Hammond and save the world from Parallax.

Hollywood likes to make big blockbusters. But just because you have a $200 million budget and an established character with a built-in fan base doesn’t mean you will have a hit. A decent script is way more beneficial for box office success. The special effects in this movie are sometimes slightly awesome, but they don’t mean anything. It’s just eye candy. And you actually feel bad because everything looks great but sounds stupid because of the half-assed script. It’s not a terrible as you might think, but when you have good comic book movies like the Dark Knight and the Avengers it makes this translation seem even worse.

There is a decent supporting cast. Blake Lively plays the love interest. Peter Sarsgaard plays Hector Hammond. Angela Bassett and Tim Robbins also show up unnecessarily in supporting roles for some reason. Geoffrey Rush and Michael Clark Duncan lend their voices to a couple of CG Green Lantern aliens. Ryan Reynolds should stick to comedies. He’s just not cut out to be an action star.

This movie had a lot of potential. And it was pretty shitty. It’s not the worst superhero movie ever made, it is just really disappointing. You wonder how they blew $200 million to make such a mediocre movie. There are no memorable moments that stand out. No director will ever look upon this shit for inspiration. It’s just a really expensive exercise in futility.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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May 7, 2012 · 8:48 am

Lords of Dogtown

Dogtown and Z-Boys and the Lords of Dogtown go hand in hand. Dogtown and Z-Boys is an awesome documentary about how a group of kids revolutionized skateboarding. Lords of Dogtown is its Hollywooded-out film counterpart. Catherine Hardwicke directs and Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, John Robinson, Victor Rasuk, and Michael Angarano lead the cast.

The documentary primarily focuses on Stacy Peralta, Tony Alva, and Jay Adams, and the movie does the same. The movie adds a character named Sid (Michael Angarano), who hangs out with them and has an inner ear problem. They surf, skate, and raise mayhem on the streets of Dogtown. They hang out at the Zephyr Skate Shop and try to impress the cool owner Skip Engblom (played by Heath Ledger). I know Heath Ledger kicked ass as the Joker and a lot of people were surprised that he really could act. Watch the documentary and the movie back to back and compare Heath Ledger’s performance to the real life Skip Engblom. He becomes Skip Engblom, he is Skip Engblom.

One glorious day, Skip gets polyurethane wheels and skateboarding changed forever. The new wheels grip the pavement, and the boys go crazy with the possibilities. They start curving and carving and copying surfing moves. Skip decides to start a skateboard team and forms the Z-Boys.

The Z-Boys tear it up at skating contents and start getting noticed. They discover that empty swimming pools are great for skating, and push the sport to new heights. Stacy, Tony, Jay and the other Z-Boys not only revolutionized the sport, they started a new industry. Skating become profitable and companies and sleazy businessmen start coming after the Z-Boys. The team breaks up and friendships start to dissolve. Stacy and Tony become rich and successful, and they handle it in different ways. Jay thinks that skating stopped being fun, so he joins a violence gang. And then they find out that Sid’s inner ear problem was a brain tumor. He gets his dad to empty their swimming pool, and invites Stacy, Tony and Jay to skate it. The friends are reunited, however briefly, and skate for fun again, however briefly.

The movie is decent, but the documentary is better. You should watch the documentary before you watch the movie version. Hollywood has a tendency to whitewash movies. I couldn’t help but notice that Jeff Ho is completely missing. The same Jeff Ho of Jeff Ho & Zephyr Surfboard Productions. He was Skip Engblom’s fucking boss. And he’s just not there. You’ll notice the film borrows a few quotes and songs from the documentary too. It makes them feel connected.

By the way Catherine Hardwicke directed Twilight. So this movie just lost a few cool points by association. Fucking Twilight.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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May 6, 2012 · 9:08 am

Boogie Nights

Paul Thomas Anderson directs Mark Wahlberg and a great supporting cast in Boogie Nights. This tells the tale of Eddie Adams (Mark Wahlberg) who enters the adult film industry and becomes the legendary and fictional Dirk Diggler. A great supporting cast and a great soundtrack help to carry this film from being a cult classic to a cinematic necessity

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Mark Wahlberg is a legitimate actor. This role cements his legacy. Dirk Diggler could have been portrayed by a dozen or more actors. Mark Wahlberg takes control of the flick and makes Dirk Diggler a real person. Stupid as fuck, but real. His only goal in life is to make use of what he was given. He was given a large cock. And he embraces it.

Every character in this movie views sex in different ways. Sex is the theme, but it destroys people. Heather Graham plays Roller Girl, and she is always down to fuck. She doesn’t consider herself a whore or a slut thought. She has pride and respects herself even if others don’t. Julianne Moore plays Amber Waves, an aging porn star that is protective of Mark Wahlberg and desperately wants to regain custody of her kid. She’s a bad mom, knows it, and hates herself for it. Burt Reynolds plays Jack Horner, a director with delusions of grandeur. He considers himself an actual director, involved with story and plot but he’s a porn director and not much more.

Don Cheadle and John C. Reilly join the cast as washed up porn stars. Don Cheadle wants to be a cowboy and wants to start his own electronics business. John C. Reilly is constantly trying to prove himself and acts tougher than he is. He wants to be a magician, but he’s a straight up mimbo. William H. Macy plays the assistant Little Bill. He’s married to a porn star/swinger who is constantly cheating on him. It becomes a running gag. Sex isn’t casual for everyone, and he reaches the breaking point. There are a lot of other great supporting cast members. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a bizarre man crush on Dirk Diggler. Luis Guzman plays a sleazy nightclub owner who is always trying to break into the industry.

If you’re a dude you probably feel inadequate after watching this movie. You aren’t the only one. I’m sure there are support groups available. Just remind yourself that Mark Wahlberg had to use a prosthetic.

Boogie Nights is less about the porn industry and more about the amazing time that was the 1970s and ‘80s. Porn just happened to be a hot topic at that point. All the people involved in the porn industry are trying to make themselves appear legitimate. They want to be presentable to society. They are all trying to be something else. Only Mark Wahlberg as Eddie Adams wants to fully embrace the lifestyle. He wants the glory and infamy that comes with the territory; sex is the only thing that sets him apart from the crowd. He wants to be the best at the only thing he is good at… it just happens to be a taboo subject.

The industry seems exciting and glamorous at first, but it gets darker and darker as the film goes on. It destroys careers and lives, and only a few people are able to escape it. Sex is awesome, but sometimes it is a curse. This movie shows both sides of the coin.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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May 3, 2012 · 9:01 am

Big

If you’ve ever wanted to perform a duet with an old man on a giant keyboard in a toy store, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you’ve seen this gem from the ‘80s. Penny Marshall directs and Tom Hanks is Big. It’s the story of a kid who makes a wish and becomes trapped in an adult’s body. It’s a scenario that’s been done a thousand times before, but this is the gold standard of body switching movies.

12-year old Josh is too short for a ride at a carnival. He sees a Zoltar Speaks wishing machine, and wishes that he was big. The next day he wakes up and he is now a 30-year old man. His mom thinks that he was kidnapped, so Josh turns to his friend Billy for help. Billy gets Josh a hotel room in the city, and helps him get a job, and essentially teaches him how to be an adult, even though he’s still a kid too.

Josh is working for a toy company, and since he’s still a kid, he knows what kids want. His boss notices him and promotes him. A yuppie executive named Paul dislikes Josh for his instant success, and Paul’s girlfriend Susan starts to become attracted to Josh. She dumps Paul and starts a relationship with Josh. He likes her, but he knows that he can’t be thirty forever and so he goes back to being a kid.

On the surface, this is just a lighthearted comedy. Josh and Billy are great friends, and they have a lot of fun just playing and being immature. Tom Hanks goes a great job of acting like a kid. Compare Tom Hanks in Big to Robin Williams in Jack. Tom Hanks seems innocent and childlike, while Robin Williams just does a parody of what he thinks kids are like. Jared Rushton plays Billy, the best friend. He really is the glue that holds this film together. He helps Josh out; he is his guide to the adult world. It’s also kind of weird that no one would say anything about a 30-year old man constantly hanging out with a 12-year old boy and they clearly aren’t related. Plus Billy is constantly going in and out of the city by himself. His best friend was seemingly kidnapped, but Billy’s parents just let him do whatever he wants apparently. Maybe they don’t love him.

So Josh is just a little kid, but Susan doesn’t know that and basically instigates a relationship with him. She uses her body as a sexual weapon. She seduces him and has sex with him. It’s a very weird case of statutory rape, but rape is rape, and she definitely raped him. He isn’t emotionally or mentally capable of making adult decisions.

The Zoltar Speaks wishing machine raises a few questions. I know that this isn’t Harry Potter or anything, it’s trying to be a fantastic depiction of the real world, but the fact is that some company can manufacture magic. Even if there is only one wishing machine that actually grants wishes, the implications of such a device would change the world. If you knew there was a machine that granted wishes you would use that shit all the time. When Josh wishes to go back to being a kid, he should have also asked for a puppy. And Susan knows about it, why doesn’t she wish for something to make her happy, like a puppy? And even best friend Billy knows about it, but he didn’t wish for anything either, like a puppy. There are three main characters that know about a mechanical genie that will make your dreams come through, and only one character that uses it to make wishes. And he didn’t even ask for a puppy.

Watch this movie. Watch it again if you’ve seen it before. It’s always enjoyable.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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May 2, 2012 · 9:54 am

Swamp Thing: Love and Death (Book 2)

Alan Moore is a genius. A scary, angry looking genius. Swamp Thing has some of his best stories. He didn’t create the character or the comic, he just made it awesome. Love and Death is the second compilation of his Swamp Thing comics. When Moore first took over, he changed the Swamp Thing from being a man turned into a plant monster into a plant monster that was never a human and just thought it was

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The collection starts with a bang as the Swamp Thing comes to terms with the fact that he was never Alec Holland. He finds the body of the man he thought he was and buries him. It marks the end of an era; Swamp Thing is no longer a Len Wein character, now he has evolved into a much deeper and darker character. The whole comic becomes more adult. It’s not for little kids. It’s for adult readers, the first comic to be published monthly without the Comics Code Authority Seal of Approval.

There’s a three-issue arc about Abigail dying. The Swamp Thing goes through extraordinary events to bring her back. He ventures into the afterlife and makes his way down to Hell. Hell is terrifying and horrifying, and it reminded me of the Hell scenes in What Dreams May Come. I know that movie came out way after this comic, but I saw the movie first so shut up.

This is when my review gets lazy. There are a few other stories in this compilation too. One’s about cute little aliens arriving in the Swamp. There’s one where you discover that there’s been more than one Swamp Thing. There’s one about Abigail and the Swamp Thing doing weird things that no human should do with a plant monster. There’s really no way to do Alan Moore justice by paraphrasing material of this caliber, I just hope that you are slightly intrigued and decide to read Swamp Thing.

If you like Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman, you will like Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing. You might even recognize a few characters that they both use. The Swamp Thing universe takes you places. There are internal struggles and external battles. The storylines have unlimited potential. The Swamp Thing goes to Hell and back and ends up hooking up with a sack of meat. There’s really nothing that Moore can’t do and make feasible.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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May 1, 2012 · 9:01 am

The Shawshank Redemption

Some movies transcend the big screen and will change your life. The Shawshank Redemption is one of those movies. The first time you see it you want to run around shouting about it and share it with the world. Frank Darabont directs this adaptation of a short Stephen King novella, and Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman headline the amazing cast. Tim Robbins plays Andy Dufresne, a hotshot banker who gets locked up for killing his wife and her lover.

Andy’s not cut out for prison. He doesn’t belong there, he kind of strolls around like he doesn’t have a care in the world. He maintains his innocence, but so do all the other prisoners except for Red (Morgan Freeman), the only guilty man in Shawshank. Andy and Red form a friendship, and he makes a few more friends as well. Tim Robbins does a great job, but Morgan Freeman steals every scene that he’s in, plus he narrates the movie (which is always awesome cause his voice is like sexual chocolate).

Prison life kinda sucks. Especially when you’re constantly getting man-raped by the Sisters. And when the corrupt warden relies on your prodigious banking skills to launder money. And when a sadistic guard will beat the shit out of anyone for any reason. And when you’re getting thrown into solitary confinement for months at a time.

Despite a few minor setbacks like those, Andy is able to maintain his sanity when a lesser man would break. He finds flashes of freedom by celebrating the little things in life. He makes a deal with the guard and gets a few bottles of beer and Morgan Freeman goes, “We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation. As for Andy, he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer.” Another memorable part is when he broadcasts the opera music over the loudspeaker and all the prisoners drop what they are doing and listen in silence. Little victories like these make you all warm and fuzzy inside like an Irish coffee in the shower.

Some of the happier moments are really inspirational, and you kinda want to go to prison. Then you remember the man-rapes and realize you’re stupid.

The Shawshank Redemption

So here comes a little spoiler: Andy actually is innocent. He’s just a victim of circumstance. He also escapes at the end. Oh yeah, another spoiler. Not only does he escape, he escapes in spectacular fashion. It’s not super spectacular, there’s no ninjas or exploding hot air balloons, but it’s a memorable reveal that blows your mind the first time you see it.

Most chicks don’t like prison movies. But they like this movie. That’s because it’s not really a prison movie. It just takes place in a prison. It’s about a man who finds freedom, hope, and happiness within himself. So even though he’s trapped he’s free. Brooks (the decrepitly old inmate) got institutionalized, and when he finally got released he couldn’t handle the world. He had no friends, no family, no hope. He was trapped in his freedom, and took his own life. Red is going down the same path as Brooks, but Andy’s friendship saved him. You have two choices: get busy living or get busy dying.

The Shawshank Redemption is one of the best movies of all time. Go to IMDB and see for yourself. It’s practically a perfect picture. If you don’t like this movie you have no soul.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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April 30, 2012 · 8:49 am

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

There are comedies and there are Judd Apatow comedies. Comedies just try to make you laugh. Judd Apatow tries to make you laugh and cry and he usually succeeds. He makes dramadies. They are more reminiscent of real life; they are full of real situations that you can relate to, they just happen to much prettier and wittier people. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Jason Segel plays Peter Bretter, who decides that going to Hawaii is the best way to get over his ex-girlfriend. Of course she shows up at the same resort with her new boyfriend, and Peter must find a way to start forgetting Sarah Marshall.

It’s easy to forget about your hot ex-girlfriend when you get a hot new girlfriend. Mila Kunis plays Rachel, the hot new girlfriend. She’s a concierge at the hotel that Peter stays at. They strike up a friendship that eventually evolves into a relationship, but she is reluctant to get involved with a tourist.

Jason Segel is a great comedic actor. Mila Kunis is sexy and funny and brunette. Kristen Bell is sexy and funny and blonde. Russell Brand plays Sarah’s new boyfriend, famous rock star Aldous Snow. Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, and a whole bunch of other funny people also make cameos. The whole cast is solid, and they play off each other well.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about moving on from a doomed relationship. Through a bunch of random flashback depicting the highs and lows of their time together, you see how they just don’t mesh well. They are both the victim and the villain, and that happens a lot. Relationships don’t always work out, but that doesn’t mean one person is at fault.

There’s a running gag about Peter’s unfinished Dracula musical done with puppets. You hear a few songs and see a couple of scenes from the play. I hope that they make a full length Muppet Dracula movie. This flick just wetted my appetite. I want the real thing.

If you’ve never seen this movie, you should. I’m warning you know that there the movie is bookended by shlong. It’s not like Watchmen, it’s not an awkward CG blue shlong, but it’s there and it’s unnecessary and I don’t like that I’ve written this much about Jason Sigel’s cock.

There’s a half-assed sequel about Aldous Snow that changes his character around completely, but it doesn’t have anything to do with this movie. This movie is good. It’s relatable, there are lots of quotable lines, and it’s an honest comedy. You can tell that it was a passion project for Jason Segel. He did a great job and made a great movie. Kudos to him. I’ll always remember Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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April 28, 2012 · 9:37 am

The Incredibles

Pixar knows how to make good movies. They don’t always make them (Cars 2, cough cough), but they know how to make them. And The Incredibles is a good movie. Director Brad Bird’s film is about a man burdened with a family trying to relive his old glory days. When he was a superhero. And his family all have powers too, but they aren’t super enough, and so he ditches them on fake business trips to fight crime for a mysterious boss that ends up being his arch-nemesis. It’s not just a great computer animated movie; it’s also one of the best superhero movies to date.

Craig T. Nelson provides the voice for Mr. Incredible, Holly Hunter plays his wife, Elastigirl. Samuel L. Jackson plays Frozone. And Jason Lee steals the flick as Syndrome, the evil villain who turned to crime after Mr. Incredible rejected him as a sidekick. Holly Hunter has a weird lispy voice and it’s not fun to listen to. She’s the only complaint I have with the casting. Everyone else is great and helps out the movie. She’s a decent actress, but her voice makes me want to rupture my eardrums with a sharpened pencil.

Superheroes are larger than life. Especially in this movie. The Incredibles do, well, incredible things. Mr. Incredible is super strong. Elastigirl is super flexible. The daughter Violet can turn invisible and project force fields. The son Dash has super speed. And baby Jack-Jack can do anything. They all have amazing powers and gifts, but it’s the family dynamic that you relate to. It grounds the movie in reality, so that when fantastic things start happening you actually care about what happens to them. If you make your characters believable, the unbelievable seems more likely. This is the first Pixar movie where people are the main characters. People like talking toys and bugs, but they can relate to other people easier.

Originally this movie was going to be traditionally animated. It might have still been a decent movie, but the scope of the movie would have been lost. The action sequences are dynamic, and the sets are impressive and immersive. Computers make better environments that hand-drawn pictures on paper can’t emulate. The Incredibles has to be a computer-animated movie; live-action or traditional animation doesn’t suit the tone of the movie.

This is a movie that you can watch with anyone. You want to share this experience. It’s a great family flick, but you can watch it with your spouse or secret lover, you can watch it after the Super Bowl with a couch full of drunks. Grandma can watch it. Little Timmy can watch it. And everyone will be entertained. People like to be entertained.

The Incredibles is an awesome movie. It is why people go to the movies. They want to laugh and cry, and be thrilled and be taken on a ride. You want to see things that you’ve never seen before, and if it’s a good movie, you want to see those things again and again. If you can watch a movie multiple times and it’s still fresh and exciting, than it’s a good piece of art. Good job Brad Bird. Good job Pixar. You done good. Now make a sequel already.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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April 27, 2012 · 9:05 am

Ghostbusters II

If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! I’m not trying to be clever, who else would you call? Who else is even a possibility? Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson and Bill Murray are the Ghostbusters, and they’re back in their second film, again directed by Ivan Reitman. The first film is a classic; there is no denying that. But this is a great sequel, and I know a lot of people consider this blasphemy, but I think it is on par, or maybe even better than the original. That doesn’t mean it’s better, it means it’s more Ghostbustery.

The first film of a franchise generally spends a lot of time introducing and establishing characters. In sequels, you already know the main characters, so you can just jump right into the story. That’s how Ghostbusters II starts. It begins five years after the events of the first movie, and the Ghostbusters are no more. But this is a sequel, and the stakes have to be higher. Right of the bat, pink slime is creeping out of cracks in the sidewalk and Dana Barrett’s baby goes for a wild ride in his carriage. She goes to Egon and Ray for help, and the Ghostbusters reunite to find out what is going on.

What is going on is that the soul of a 17th Century tyrant is slowly regaining power and is threatening to take on a physical form and take over the world. That’s pretty shady. Vigo the Carpathian is a much more formidable opponent than a giant marshmallow man. I think that a scary painting that comes to life (who also controls a river of slime) is a little bit scarier than a demon that lives in a refrigerator and a giant candy mascot. Vigo uses Dana Barrett’s boss, Dr. Janosz Poha (Peter MacNicol), to try to kidnap Dana’s baby, Oscar. Oscar is going to the vessel, the body that Vigo will take over.

Naturally the Ghostbusters have a problem with this, and since Dana Barrett is a paying customer, they have to take him down. They discover a river of slime running underneath New York. They find out that the slime is a psyscho-reactive substance, a manifestation of negative emotions, and that it feeds off of angry, surly New Yorkers. The more pissed off and negative they are, the more powerful Vigo and his slime gets, and that in turn releases more and more ghosts. The Ghostbusters find out a way to use happy, positive emotions to control the slime, and use technology to animate the Statue of Liberty in order to fight the ghosts, because that makes total sense. Janosz successfully kidnaps Oscar, and the Ghostbusters have until 12:00 on New Year’s Eve to save the world.

There are a few reasons why this sequel is as good or better than the original. First off, everybody likes Slimer. And Slimer had a decent intro in the first movie, but he is actually helpful in this movie. He drives Louis to the museum, which was pretty important to advancing the plot. Slimer is the ghost mascot of the Ghostbusters, he was hardly in the first movie, but was featured prominently in the cartoon show and this sequel. There are better and more elaborate ghost-catching montages. Rick Moranis is awesome. And his character, Louis Tully, is expanded and has a lot more lines and scenes. He even gets some loving from Janine, the Ghostbuster’s secretary (who also has a bigger and better role to play). Even Ernie Hudson gets more screen time as Winston. Remember that there are four Ghostbusters, and Winston only showed up halfway through the first movie and didn’t do anything really. Winston is there from the get-go and has a cool first scene with Ray as they work a birthday party, establishing that they are now failures. He’s still not quite a lead, but his character actually involved in the plot now.

Vigo the Carpathian is a terrifying villain. He’s a creepy painting that slowly becomes more and more powerful throughout the film. The first movie uses demons named Zuul and Gozer, but you hardly see them. The destructor arrives in the form of the gigantic Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I know it’s comedy, but that shit’s absurd even for the ‘80s. Vigo is scary. He even turns the comical Janosz into a disturbing henchman for the underworld… the scene were his eyes become headlights will forever be etched into my memory.

The first movie had great moments. It will always be a classic. But I think that this sequel did more to establish Ghostbusters as a franchise. There are a lot of iconic Ghostbusters moments in this one…. The Statue of Liberty, Slimer the Bus Driver, more Winston, more Louis, the river of slime, the courthouse ghosts, baby-eating bathtubs… the list goes on and on.

Ghostbusters is a great movie. Ghostbusters II is a great sequel and a great movie. They celebrate that they are back, and you are glad they are. And Bill Murray is reason enough to watch this movie. So watch it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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April 24, 2012 · 9:01 am

Jackass: The Movie

There aren’t too many TV shows that are able to make the transition to the big screen, much less be successful enough to spawn a few sequels. It’s even more impressive that a reality show could become a comedic cinematic franchise. There’s not even a plot or a theme, it’s just a bunch of clips. And it’s awesome.

Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, Chris Pontius, Steve-O, Wee Man, Ehren McGhehey, Preston Lacy, Dave England and the late Ryan Dunn are a new breed of stuntmen. They play practical jokes on each other and on unsuspecting people, but they also do extremely dangerous stunts. Johnny Knoxville almost died a few times filming this movie. They also do painful things, like intentionally getting paper cuts on the webbing between their fingers and toes. I can still hear the whole theater groaning and squirming when Steve-O paper cuts the corner of his mouth.

Jackass is a rarity. It came out before YouTube was huge. I don’t think a group of friends could become movie stars filming themselves being dumbasses anymore. Johnny Knoxville sort of made the conversion to acting, he’s been in a lot of movies where he doesn’t have to get a concussion to get screen time. The rest of the Jackass crew are just having fun being young and stupid, and you can tell that their laughs are genuine. In Jackass Number Two, they are a little bit older, a little bit more extreme. You can tell they are starting to go through the motions. By the third one, they are looking a lot older, and they aren’t having as much fun. You can tell that it’s a paycheck movie, they don’t really want to be doing this shit anymore, they just have to because it’s their job. And Steve-O sucks when he’s sober.

Ryan Dunn is the heart of the Jackass crew. He did all the things that no one else wanted to do. Like sticking a toy car up his ass and acting mystified when the doctor shows him the X-rays. He seemed the most genuine of the guys. He didn’t have the ego that Johnny Knoxville or Bam Margera has, and only those two guys and Steve-O are more famous than him. It was pretty sad when he passed away. At least he won’t be forgotten.

Jackass: The Movie doesn’t need a plot or a story. There’s not denying that it has characters though. These guys are nuts, and they do dumb, dangerous and sometimes disturbing stunts and we get to sit back and laugh at them. Watch them movie if you haven’t yet, but I wouldn’t watch it with your grandma.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 23, 2012 · 9:56 am

Shrek Forever After

Shrek is a great movie. Shrek 2 is almost as great, but is even funnier. Shrek the Third sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked. Terrible, horrible, awful…. But Shrek Forever After is pretty good, a much improved film over the third flick. And it has a pun in the title. Mike Mitchell directs and Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas all return.

In Shrek Forever After, Shrek makes a bad wish and the evil Rumpelstiltskin erases the day he was born. So basically Shrek has 24 hours to get Fiona to kiss him with Donkey’s help or he will fade from existence. The problem is that because he was never born, Donkey and Fiona don’t recognize him. Shrek and Donkey aren’t friends, and Fiona doesn’t love him.

Everybody has seen Shrek. Ok, maybe not everybody, but most cool people have. And if you are cool and have seen Shrek, you probably liked it and watched it a few times. Maybe you even bought it, I don’t know. But if you’ve seen it a few times, you know it pretty well, and so it’s pretty cool to go back and explore all the differences from the first movie. This movie goes back to the original movie, and tries it’s best to recreate it while still being it’s own movie. I hope that makes sense.

There’s an actual plot. It’s an interesting story, and it doesn’t need to rely on outdated pop culture references to help lengthen the running time (like in Shrek 3). It’s not a classic movie like the first in the franchise. It’s not even as good as Shrek 2. But it’s a solid sequel, a worthy addition to the franchise. Shrek 3 should not have been made, but Shrek 4 is a good story. If they had a box set without the third movie I would buy it.

There are a few new characters like Rumpelstiltskin and the Pied Piper and a whole bunch of ogres. Even returning characters have different personalities because this is an alternate reality, a “what if” story. It’s kind of a refreshing look at familiar characters.

Watch it if you liked the first two Shrek movies. Ignore the third one. You’re not missing much. They called this one The Final Chapter, but I can see them making another one. It made $752,600,867 worldwide and that’s enough incentive to put Shrek back on the big screen. I know they made a Puss in Boots spin-off but that’s not the same thing. I can’t think of a good movie title pun for it though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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April 22, 2012 · 8:49 am

Marvels

Kurt Busiek’s Marvels is an epic history of key moments in the Marvel Universe. Instead of being shown from the side of metahumans, it is shown from the side of regular people. Marvels is the story of photojournalist Phil Sheldon. He experiences firsthand the awe and fear that superheroes inspire. The Human Torch, Namor, Captain America, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, a few X-Men and tons of other Marvel characters make appearances.

The story is pretty interesting, but once again the artwork takes center stage. Alex Ross is an amazing artist. Marvels lets him cut loose and depict iconic figures and important moments in the Marvel Universe is stunning, almost photorealistic paintings. Kingdom Come was all aged DC characters, well past their prime. Marvels depicts most of the important Marvel characters in all their glory. The panels seem to come to life.

If superheroes were real, life would be pretty shitty for normal people. And there are a lot more normal people than superheroes. Therefore, the world would be pretty shitty. People would live in a constant state of fear. They would rely on heroes to save them, because that’s what heroes do. But if they don’t get saved, they blame the heroes. If the heroes save the world, the normal people will forget after awhile. Marvels tries to tackle those issues. Phil Sheldon fears the Marvels, grows to accept them, rely on them, and ultimately defend them.

Marvels is a pretty awesome comic. The four issues cram a lot of important Marvel events and characters into a cohesive and interesting story. The artwork transcends the material, and your jaw drops with each turn of the page. It is simply beautiful art. It helps to humanize the heroes, makes them more down-to-earth and approachable, while at the same time idolizing them and putting them on a pedestal. Go read this now. Or at least Google Image Alex Ross paintings and admire those.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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