Tag Archives: car

Calling Shotgun

You’re hanging out with a few friends and it’s time to go to lunch. Steve volunteers to drive and your gang starts to head to his car. The closer you get to the car, the more tension is rising between you and the other passengers. Someone is going to be riding shotgun, and everyone else has to sit in the back. It’s just a matter of seeing who says “shotgun” first. The only universal rule to calling shotgun is that you have to visibly see the car in order to claim the front seat. Blind people are terrible at this part. The first one to call shotgun gets to ride in the front seat. Riding shotgun is legit. You are the co-pilot. You get all the perks of being in the driver’s seat without being responsible for anyone’s life. You have a great view, your own door, your own window that is capable of rolling all the way down, you even have access to the radio and can DJ for the car ride. And the legroom, my god, so much legroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Double Parking

If you live in the city and drive, you hate people who double park. These motherfuckers stop in the middle of the road, put on their hazard lights, and make you drive into oncoming traffic to get around them. Sometimes the driver isn’t even in the fucking car. Now you don’t even know who to flip off. The weirdest thing about double parking is that it’s always somehow justified when you do it. Funny how the universe works.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Car Alarms

Car alarms suck. There’s no such thing as absolute silence in a city because there’s always at least one car alarm going off somewhere. It’s such a common event that nobody even pays attention anymore. When’s the last time you heard a car alarm and jumped out of your seat and ran to the window to catch a thief in the act?  You just ignore it. Fuck crime fighting.

            Most of the time it’s not even from anyone trying to steal anything, it’s usually a dickhole with a kickass sound system bumping shitty rap. The only time I enjoy car alarms is when I see somebody realize that it’s their car alarm going off. They get that Oh-Shit-I’m-A-Douchebag look on their face as they grab their keys and run outside to stop the mayhem.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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Use Your Fucking Turn Signal

Hey buddy, use your fucking turn signal. That’s awesome that you wanna turn here, but I can’t read your fucking mind. Nothing can penetrate that thick skull of yours. There’s no good reason to ignore your blinkers. Maybe you’re rebelling against public safety, maybe you’re just being lazy, or maybe you’re just a rude, inconsiderate dickhole. You have turn signals. I can see them right there. Even if they are broken you can still use those stupid arm gestures that they teach you in driver’s ed.

They install turn signals in cars for a reason. If you’re the kind of driver who consciously chooses to ignore them, do us all a favor and ignore your headlights too. You deserve to die in a car crash. Just don’t take anyone with you, motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pink Mustaches on Cars

The world hates Americans for a lot of reasons. It used to be for oil consumption and war mongering. Now it’s primarily pink mustaches on cars. Why is this even a trend? Fake mustaches on girls are bad enough, but cars aren’t people. Cars are fucking cars. The only thing they should be wearing is a cool paint color and a coat of wax. Cars are expensive. You have monthly payments to the dealer, you have to pay for insurance, you have to get gas, there’s parking passes and permits and tickets to deal with… and you spend your hard-earned money on fake pink facial hair for its grill? You are a fucking douchebag. Your car looks stupid and you look like an asshole.

Who wants a mustache ride? Not me.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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