Tag Archives: sex

August 16, 2015 · 2:43 pm

Porn Shop

I was hanging out with some friends last night and we ended up doing some spontaneous barhopping. We left one bar and headed towards another when we walked past a store without any windows but with an open door. My friend was intrigued and wanted to find out what kind of store it was, so we went in. It was a porn shop. My friends had never been in one before. Their eyes went wide and we began to walk around and look at the merchandise. They had all the things you would expect to find in a porn shop. They had a nice assortment of vibrators, dildos, and strap-ons. They had fuzzy handcuffs, whips, chains, and gag balls. They had artificial vaginas, buttholes, and mouths that you can stick your dick in. They had a massive DVD porn collection with every type of fetish video imaginable for sale.

It was actually a nice porn shop. It wasn’t seedy or anything. The clerks were pretty friendly and helpful. My friend had a long conversation with them about cock rings. They even had regular customers, including one old Chinese lady who they called by name. It was pretty great actually, the old Chinese lady told the clerks that she was only stopping in because she was doing laundry down the street. I’ve gone to the bar to kill time while doing laundry, I’ve never gone to a porn shop. That old Chinese lady has her priorities.

We ended up staying in the porn shop for half an hour, a pretty impressive feat because we were just walking by. We each ended up buying something because you can’t spend thirty minutes exploring a porn shop looking at everything without buying anything. I bought a few DVDs. They were on sale, three for ten bucks. I figure it’s good to have backup for when the internet is out. It’s funny, I can’t remember the last time I bought a DVD. One friend got a few DVDs as well. My other friend bought a cock ring based on the clerk’s advice. I hope he has fun with it. The best part of the porn shop experience was seeing the giant bottle of hand sanitizer on a table by the exit. You know we used it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 25, 2015 · 6:24 pm

Listening to People Having Sex

Sex is a beautiful thing, a natural part of life. Listening to people having sex is a part of life too, albeit a shitty part of life. You hear groans and grunts, moans and creaking, skin slapping, and heavy panting, and you hope that you don’t sound like that but you know that you do. The worst thing about listening to people having sex is that you’re not getting any. You try your best to ignore it but it’s a futile exercise. You’re going to hear it and it’s going to be slightly awkward when you see them the next day. But we all went to college, and I’m sure we’ve all fooled around when there were other people in the room. It’s kind of funny that we don’t appreciate listening to people having sex but we have no problem with other people hearing us having sex. You want people to know that you’re having sex. One of the perks of getting laid is getting other people jealous that you’re getting laid.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2012 · 9:51 am

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson made her living by being the sexiest slut on the planet. She was the star of Baywatch (no offense to David Hasselhoff, but her bouncing breasts are better than yours). She had not one, but two sex tapes released to the public. Even Paris Hilton has more discretion. Pamela Anderson oozed sex appeal, and she was one of the few celebs that were sleazy enough that you though you had a shot with. But now she’s old and plastic and you feel dirty when you jack off to old pictures of her. It’s like wanking it to Britney Murphy. She’s dead and you’re a pervert. Pamela Anderson is long past attractive and a few miles past used. The sad thing is that most guys would still fuck her just to say they have. And you get the feeling she embraces that fact.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 6, 2012 · 9:08 am

Boogie Nights

Paul Thomas Anderson directs Mark Wahlberg and a great supporting cast in Boogie Nights. This tells the tale of Eddie Adams (Mark Wahlberg) who enters the adult film industry and becomes the legendary and fictional Dirk Diggler. A great supporting cast and a great soundtrack help to carry this film from being a cult classic to a cinematic necessity

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Mark Wahlberg is a legitimate actor. This role cements his legacy. Dirk Diggler could have been portrayed by a dozen or more actors. Mark Wahlberg takes control of the flick and makes Dirk Diggler a real person. Stupid as fuck, but real. His only goal in life is to make use of what he was given. He was given a large cock. And he embraces it.

Every character in this movie views sex in different ways. Sex is the theme, but it destroys people. Heather Graham plays Roller Girl, and she is always down to fuck. She doesn’t consider herself a whore or a slut thought. She has pride and respects herself even if others don’t. Julianne Moore plays Amber Waves, an aging porn star that is protective of Mark Wahlberg and desperately wants to regain custody of her kid. She’s a bad mom, knows it, and hates herself for it. Burt Reynolds plays Jack Horner, a director with delusions of grandeur. He considers himself an actual director, involved with story and plot but he’s a porn director and not much more.

Don Cheadle and John C. Reilly join the cast as washed up porn stars. Don Cheadle wants to be a cowboy and wants to start his own electronics business. John C. Reilly is constantly trying to prove himself and acts tougher than he is. He wants to be a magician, but he’s a straight up mimbo. William H. Macy plays the assistant Little Bill. He’s married to a porn star/swinger who is constantly cheating on him. It becomes a running gag. Sex isn’t casual for everyone, and he reaches the breaking point. There are a lot of other great supporting cast members. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a bizarre man crush on Dirk Diggler. Luis Guzman plays a sleazy nightclub owner who is always trying to break into the industry.

If you’re a dude you probably feel inadequate after watching this movie. You aren’t the only one. I’m sure there are support groups available. Just remind yourself that Mark Wahlberg had to use a prosthetic.

Boogie Nights is less about the porn industry and more about the amazing time that was the 1970s and ‘80s. Porn just happened to be a hot topic at that point. All the people involved in the porn industry are trying to make themselves appear legitimate. They want to be presentable to society. They are all trying to be something else. Only Mark Wahlberg as Eddie Adams wants to fully embrace the lifestyle. He wants the glory and infamy that comes with the territory; sex is the only thing that sets him apart from the crowd. He wants to be the best at the only thing he is good at… it just happens to be a taboo subject.

The industry seems exciting and glamorous at first, but it gets darker and darker as the film goes on. It destroys careers and lives, and only a few people are able to escape it. Sex is awesome, but sometimes it is a curse. This movie shows both sides of the coin.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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