criticallyrated

It’s kind of funny how life goes in cycles. My parents were both born and raised in San Francisco. They grew up, married each other, and moved to Marin County to start a family and wound up with four kids. Now my sister and I live in San Francisco. We don’t live together, but we both live in the Sunset District and that’s also where our parents lived. My house is just a few blocks from where my dad once lived, and my sister is close to my mom’s childhood home. It’s kind of cool. It’s like we are neighbors in time. I go to the same places that they used to go to. I ride the same bus lines that they did. I do the same things that they were doing thirty years earlier. Being neighbors in time makes me feel more connected to them. The past is more present than you think.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

One of the worst things about bartending is when you get citric acid in your cut. Most of the time it’s a cut that you didn’t even know that you had. Even the slightest drop of lemon or lime juice is enough to make you cringe. It’s painful enough getting a bullshit minuscule cut, but citric acid makes it ten times worse. Those fuckers from Jackass were willing to give each other self-inflicted paper cuts, but they drew the line at lemon juice. I wouldn’t wish getting citric acid in a cut upon my worst enemy. It’s something that no person should have to endure. There should be a charity to prevent it from happening. I know that I would donate a few bucks to such a worthy cause.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

There are very few things more sad and depressing than an aging porn star. I used to think that Jenna Jameson was sexy, beautiful, and stunning. Now she’s haggard and decrepit beyond description. She just has too many miles on her cooter and that’s not really attractive. It’s kind of boner-killing in fact. Nothing makes you more flaccid than an aging porn star. It’s not good porn if you can’t get hard. An aging porn star makes you think about your own mortality, and that’s not a good thing when you’re just trying to get off. The porn industry is a business that you should only be in for a few years. And I’m saying this as a career server. You should retire from the game when you start approaching your forties. Nobody wants to see flaps and folds and wrinkles in your nether regions.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Kids have forts. Adults have secret hiding spots. Everybody should have a secret hiding spot, their own little fortress of solitude. It should be a place to escape to when you need a little peace and quiet. It’s a place to reflect and a place to take girls to. My secret hiding spot is a park/viewpoint on a hill overlooking the San Francisco Bay. It’s easy to miss and hard to get to. Consider yourself lucky if I’ve taken you there. A secret hiding spot should be a shared secret. You don’t want everybody to know about it, but it should be too cool to keep it to yourself. Tell a few trustworthy people about it and it becomes an unofficial clubhouse for your group. You’ll meet there, you’ll drink there, you’ll smoke there. Your secret hiding spot should be a place you are proud of, and if it’s not than it’s not worth keeping secret.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Sports are great and rivalries make them even better. Everyone has a favorite sports team, and most teams have a rival that you hate. The Giants hate the Dodgers, the Seahawks hate the 49ers, the Celtics hate the Lakers, the Red Sox hate the Yankees (and so does everyone else). A good rivalry makes the game more intense and interesting. There is more at stake when you are playing your enemies. It’s pride, it’s honor, it’s bragging rights. You can have a losing season but still feel like champions if you beat your rivals. Case in point, I’m a Giants fan. We had a mediocre season last year, while the Dodgers won the division and went on to the playoffs. But the Giants beat the Dodgers in the season series, so at least I have something to rub in the faces of Dodgers fans. It’s not much, but it’s something so I’ll take it.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

I remember my little sisters once had a friend over and their friend left our house in a huff because my sisters wouldn’t let her feed my dog those red berries that get birds drunk. You know what I’m talking about… Those orangish-red berries that grow in bunches on that bush… I don’t know the name of the plant, I’m not a botanist, but birds eat them and then they fly into windows and die. It would be sad if it weren’t so funny. It’s evolution in action. It’s survival of the fittest. Some guys cants hold their booze, and some birds can’t handle their berries. I like those red berries that get birds drunk. I haven’t tried them, but I like them. They make life more interesting.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

A slow clap is when something climactic happens and a lone person acknowledges it by clapping, slowly at first, then faster and faster as people start joining in, and the clapping builds in intensity and loudness. A slow clap is the Hollywood movie cliche that you most want to experience in real life. You’ve always harbored a secret desire to witness something amazing or inspirational just so you can start a slow clap. You’ve probably tried it at least once. Maybe at your sister’s wedding to mixed results. It will happen. You just got to recognize your moments and seize your opportunities. I did a successful slow clap at a funeral once. It was the highlight of my day.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

86 is restaurant code for when an item is temporarily out of stock. For example, you are 86 ranch dressing if you run out of it. You might be 86 New York Strips for a few hours if the steaks aren’t fully thawed yet. It’s a 68 when you get the item back in stock and/or you can sell it again. 86 can also be taken out of the restaurant and applied to real world situations. It’s fun to say that you’ve 86ed your bad habits. It’s even more fun to refer to recently deceased celebrities as being 86ed. You might offend some people, but most people will think you’re hilariously witty and smart. 86 is a practical term. You should adopt it as your own and use it as your catchphrase.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

I saw an old old coworker on the bus today. It had been a few years since I had last seen her and we gave each other the obligatory awkward acquaintance hug. The awkward acquaintance hug is that hug you have when you see somebody that you used to be close with but haven’t seen in a long time. It’s uncomfortable. It makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes them feel uncomfortable. It makes everyone unfortunate enough to witness it feel uncomfortable. You fumble your way into an embrace that you hold for slightly too long. You ask about how they are doing. You give each other updates and mention anything newsworthy. Then you wish them good luck and find an excuse to leave. A few days later you mention that you saw so-and-so on the bus and you have a new story to share in the break room.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Sometimes you have a few hours in between things you have to do. You’ll get out of work early and have a few hours to go before you have to meet your friend for dinner. You have to find some way to pass the time. Killing time is better than simply waiting. There are lots of things to do to kill time. You can look at cool things on the internet, you can grab a bite to eat, you can get a few drinks at a bar. Nobody can judge you because you’re not getting drunk if you’re killing time. You’re not drinking, you are multitasking. Killing time is easy to learn but hard to master. I’m still learning, but I’m getting the hang of it.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

A scooter (or kick scooter) is a deck with wheels and a handlebar that you power by pushing. It’s like a skateboard with something to hang on to. Most people think of a Razor scooter whenever someone mentions scooters. They are sleek, two-wheeled, and easily transportable because they have a lightweight foldable aluminum frame. They are the best scooters and they singlehandedly reinvented a tired form of personal transportation. But there are many other brands and styles of scooters. There are three-wheeled models. There are four-wheeled models. They even have electric and motorized versions that move in excess of twenty miles per hour. And that’s pretty fucking fast when you’re only 2 inches off the ground. Scooters are a fun form of transportation, but they sure as hell make you lose street cred.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Bolt cutters are tools that you use to cut locks off of lockers. They have other uses too, but they are mostly used for cutting off locks in the break room. It’s the manager’s favorite job. They love snipping master locks off of abandoned lockers. They take pride in it. There is no such thing as privacy if there’s a pair of bolt cutters around. Bolt cutters are also dangerous. It’s easy to lose a fingertip or your manhood, so be careful while using them. You can’t be a redneck or a bike thief without owning a pair of bolt cutters. Bolt cutters. Get some. And then cut bolts.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Confession time: I am twenty-eight years old and still don’t know how to tie a tie without resorting to How-To Videos on YouTube. I own ties. I’ve worn them. I just don’t know how to tie them. I’ve tied a tie once successfully from memory. Once. I did such a good job (and I was so proud of myself) that I never untied it. I just slip it over my head and loosen and tighten it up as needed. It’s not the best system but it’s worked so far. Knowing how to tie a tie means that you are a man. I’m kind of reluctant to take that last step into adulthood. Ties might make you look sophisticated, but they can also make you look like a tool if you can’t pull it off. I’m afraid that I might look like a tool. At least I’m not the only one.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young